Aww, man, where to begin? My name is Jimmy, and I have dipped for more than half of my life. I started dipping when I was 17. My last dip was Monday, April 11. So, now its Friday night, what's it been like?
The friggin mind games are killing me. I'm telling myself the stupidest crap, stuff that IN MY HEAD makes a whole lot of freaking sense.
My last dip was Monday, 9 am. By Tuesday at 4 pm I'm driving to the gas station. I'm telling myself, "I'm not ready (to quit), it'll be easier if I set this up better." Yeah, I'll be more determined! More... more what? I don't friggin know, but it'll be easier next time I quit!!! I'm not ready to quit right now!!!
Monday was my birthday, my quit day. If I screw it up I'll have to wait another year to quit on my birthday. My moto day. Somehow I fought off the mindgame with a mindgame.
I went into the gas station and found some seeds, Giant seeds, Frank's hot sauce flavored. I also got myself a frigging tub of ice cream. I walked up to the counter, fully prepared to be totally disappointed in myself when i said, "Cope long-cut."
I swear, things got real slow motion and it was like everything was underwater. I remember trying to run my card through the machine and trying to ignore the lady when she asked if I needed anything else- why the crap would she ask me that?
I remember this spiritual tug of war, this feeling of desperation in my soul that feared I was going to buy the can of cope, and when the mid point of my transaction passed without cope in my pocket, suddenly the fear was I'd leave without it.
But I did leave without it. I don't know how, but I won that battle- the first palpable battle of my, so far, 5 day war. That situation was so drawn out, so long in duration... what I'm trying to say is that my dirty little nic slut is only able to squeeze my balls for so long before she fades away. That Tuesday Battle Royale was one of a kind. The typical bout is kind of like getting horny, as frikkin weird as that sounds. Like that avatar of the bouncing boobs I've seen on this site, MikeA- I saw that and I was like "Holy!" and I leaned in to watch it, it had my attention for a minute, but then it faded as I went on to do something else. My battle went on as long as it did because I LET IT. She had me by the balls in my house, during my decision to go to the store, during my walk through the parking lot, getting the seeds and the ice cream, and that weird slow motion checkout experience, she didn't let go until I left the parking lot to go home. Up until leaving the parking lot, I fully expected to let myself fail. Maybe I needed this to happen, I don't know.
After the "win" I told my wife I was a quitter. She has no way of knowing what I'm going through, but it was my accountability announcement- though I have been telling her I'm trying to quit for a couple of years now, mainly just to get her off my back when she would tell me I had "something" in my teeth.
So here I am, on Friday, and 8 lbs heavier. Speaking of which, I don't mind the weight, I'll work it off when I start riding again. Anyway, know what I'm telling myself now?
"See how easy it was to quit? You can go back to dipping now knowing you can quit anytime you want! And it will be even easier next time because you'll be ready to quit, better prepared!"
WTH? I say this crap out loud and it sounds frikking stupid, but in my head in the middle of the night its like I had a vision from God.
I've still got this "I cannot have fun without dip," feeling that comes with those "trigger" moments. We all know what they are, and even just reading other peoples' descriptions of them brings her icy claws to squeeze my balls. The problem is I have so many freaking trigger moments because I always had a dip in.
I think the worst mind game, at day 5, is this feeling in me that my life with dip is not over. That someway, somehow, I know I will justify giving in. The feeling its all hopeless, or that I'm cursed somehow. That I'm destined to fail because where I am now isn't real, dip in my mouth is real. The thousands and thousands of times I've gone to the bathroom to put in the dip and that subsequent feeling of, "whatever happens in the next 4 hours I'm set." I don't get to have that "I'm set" feeling anymore. Or do I?
Could it be that when I got rid of that last dip, was that my moment? Whatever happens for the rest of my life... I'm set.
Gonna sign the roll call tomorrow. This crap ain't easy, for sure, and it ain't over at 5 days by a long shot.
