Thank you for reading this introduction, my record of quitting, and my accountability to anyone reading this.
I've been chewing for about 18 years, which is really hard for me to believe. I used to just chew on weekends, or with certain friends, or in any of several standard circumstances in which we like to chew. My true dependency started about 10 years ago. I started to chew to relieve the enormous stress I was encountering in my private equity role. I was the CFO or senior finance guy for nine different companies. If they needed someone to enter AP into Quickbooks, that is what I did. If they needed someone to negotiate with their three banks and 100 investors, that is what I did. There is a way to do that and survive, and I was not doing it that way.
One day, I was driving from one company that needed money to another company that had a shitty business plan and bad leader. I had to fix both companies. I was dying. I jammed what felt like a fist-full of chew in my mouth and started sucking. I pounded on the steering wheel, begging the nicotine to kick in and rescue me. You know the story - over time, it just took more and more.
I have a big family, and I have a highly visible role in business, so I am almost always around people. I chew any time I am alone - it is my solace, and it is my friend that knows me better than everyone else. I chew in the bathroom, in the car, and if I can hide it from my family, I hide and chew at home. My wife is aware that I chew, but other than the last time she gave me a hard time about it - years ago - we don't talk about it. I pretend to myself and to her that it is not a habit. She knows better, of course, but for some reason decided not to bicker about it any more. Probably choosing battles.
Last week, my company needed to take out a life insurance policy on me. When I saw the questions about tobacco, I knew that this time, unlike previous times getting insurance, I couldn't get away with lying and just cutting back a bit. I would need to quit in order to avoid the tobacco user premium. So, on July 2, I threw away the three cans of chew that I had laying around. Today, I am five days quit.
Almost right away, I was very lethargic. I had no idea how much I relied on the stimulant of nicotine. I got a bad headache that Advil wouldn't cure. A few days later, I entered the fog. Having never felt this way, I Googled withdrawal symptoms from chewing tobacco, and found all my symptoms on the NIH page. I also found this page. That was yesterday. I looked around, read some forums, met some people, and realized that holy shit - I am a bona fide addict. This isn't going to be easy.
Last night, I had insomnia. I finally fell asleep at 4am. I woke up again at 8am, and for some reason laid back down. I woke up three hours later. I'm hoping that this phase of the quit is almost over - I actually feel better today than I did yesterday. I got the advice of a couple people on the chat, and bought some seeds and some fake chew. I think the fake stuff might keep me company, because the truth is that I really miss that part. I like chewing, probably because I have associated it with being by myself for those rare moments when I can be. We'll see, and I get it that almost no one stays on the fake stuff forever, and there is a reason. I will encounter that reason at some point.
I know where my greatest risk of losing my quit lies. I don't lead a stress-free life. I have challenges, like all of us, managing my family and keeping everyone happy and raised well. This summer, with all of our kids around, their ridiculously expensive activities will add stress to my wife more than myself. I can already hear myself in the back of my head saying "get back on thew chew, you need to keep yourself up so you can help her stay up." I haven't told her about my quit. I haven't told her because I don't want her wondering how I am doing and worrying about my state of mind. I don't want her to carry any of the burden. I recognize the problem this brings - it is most wise to tell those around us about our quit, to keep us accountable and to keep them in our corner. Maybe I will tell her, and maybe I won't, but I am going to have to make this my journey as much as possible, because my best excuse is that I could "postpone" my quit and get her through the stressful period she is experiencing right now. I just got off the phone with her - I would rather be the same guy I was last week right now. But that guy was killing himself, and I can focus on the long game. She wouldn't get any short-term comfort from me telling her I quit; I can man up and do this. Maybe I will give her my 100 day coin when I earn it. Then she will know I'm actually quit.
And that is my focus now - 100 days. I am excited about the accountability of this site, and feeling the personal reward of knowing I made it to that milestone that seems a long fucking way away right now. I read someone's HOF entry today, which said that it was just another +1 day at this point. Coasting past 100 days sounds pretty good to me, and I believe that I can make it stick if I can make it that far.
Thank you, again, for reading this. I really appreciate the community and the accountability. I am really looking forward to writing my HOF post.
