Thank you, I understand that Nicotine is a addiction thankfully one I have never had. When he quit before I was very supportive and he tells me now he's not where he wants to be with it and he's dissapointed in himself but I think it's a bunch of BS by his attitude because he hasn't even attempted to quit again and he actually has started buying it, he won't admit it but I know he has and he is doing it all the time now even when he's with me but yet he lies to me about that to and I'm not dumb I can smell it. And like I tell him any time it comes up no one can change this except you (meaning him). I'm just tired of feeling the way I feel about it and it is affecting the way I feel toward him, because he's lying to me, he's insensitive and so seems unlike the man I know. I just resent him sometimes for this and I'm newly married and a little worried.
Baby,
You have married an addict. Addiction doesn't go away once the addict stops using. It can start up again at any time.
I myself stopped for over 3 years from 2006-2009. I started again because I thought that one wouldn't hurt me. I started bumming from my friends every time I saw them from there on out. I started purch
In April of 2010, my wife found some smokeless tobacco flakes on the ground by the trashcan. I had been hiding it from her until then, and she was very upset she had not seen it before.
I saw it as a chance to come clean and chew anytime I wanted.
She was upset at this even more because now she had to smell it and deal with it. It was not the easiest time.
In May of 2011, I started thinking about quitting again. I didn't talk to her about it. I went to Walmart and bought some Smokey Mountain Snuff (non-nicotine chew). I set it on my refrigerator. She saw it and was ecstatic I was quitting again. I said I wasn't ready just yet, and that the purchase was for later.
I quit at the end of June. I didn't tell her immediately. I didn't make a large fanfare about it. I simply did it and I told her on day 2.
She rolled her eyes at me.
She's now happy with my quit (unless I'm bitching about the drama here), but it took me almost a year and a half before I realized I wanted to quit again.
It's a process, and unfortunately you cannot be part of the decision making. Quitting means that he has to want it more than anything else in this world. Your support, our support, and the tools he uses to quit are ammunition in his quit, but ultimately he is the one pulling the trigger.
The only advice I can offer you other than that is that you are freshly married to an addict. It's common to have these feelings right away in marriage. He was an addict when you married him, and he'll be an addict until the day he dies. Don't hate him for this. Accept him and his flaws. It's OK to offer solutions to this addiction or be supportive, but it's not OK to expect him to be what he is not.
Communication with him is always the best solution in a marriage. Tell him what you liked about him when he wasn't using (breath, not having to clean up little flakes around the house, not having to watch him run to the "bathroom" after dinner just to throw one in, etc.). Tell him how much you love him, and that his addiction has turned him into a liar and driven a wedge between you two. Tell him why it bothers you so much. You may even want to consider writing it down so that you can edit it and make sure that your point is driven home.
If you think he is lying to you, simply investigate rather than assuming he is. If his breath smells like chew, ask him to show you his gums. If you find a can, set it out for him. Let him know that lying is unacceptable, but don't nag. He's not being honest with himself either. All of us thought we had pulled the wool over our loved one's eyes as well.
In the end, it's all his decision baby.
