SKOAL MONSTER

[redyota]

Once upon a highschool I knew a tank sized fattapotamus named "Hope" .  She was a useless chewed bubblegum looking ginormous wad of girth that wore Salmon colored shorts which showed her questionably colored panties as she contorted and wobbled her elephant sized particulars up the rope in the gym.  Like watching a steroidal jellyfish trying to screw a giant licorice whip.

I Hope I can quit, I hope this works, I hope, I hope , I hope.......... your a moron. I hope your paying attention.

Like the high school Hope O Saurus , hoping to quit is useless and won't get it done. When you say you "hope you can quit", you transfer the responsibility of quitting to some  unicorn riding quit fairy and away from yourself. You might as well wish on a star that you'll be quit in the morning. "I wish I could quit? " of all the defeatest idiotic garbage " hope to quit"  and "wish I could" are two tell tale signs of impending failure. Where is the responsibility for your own self control?
Nothing keeps you from quitting but you, and the lies you tell.  Hope isn't for quitters


ITS A DECISION. You  decided to quit? then quit Dammit.  Choices have consequences and rewards. To quit means to face withdrawl, it requires the confrontation of triggers without using nicotine. It will not always be easy,but get over it. This is the price you pay to earn your freedom.Besides, what have you ever earned of value that was easy? ( Besides Bubba's undying love) . it won't always be hard either, so look forward to that. You learn to live life without a chemical addiction.The reward is bigger than High School Hope's ever expanding ass.  Better relationships, your self respect, freedom, control, health, perhaps your very life. Maybe the next dip is the one that kills you?

You can't hope your way to freedom from nicotine, but you can choose it.

You can hope you win the lottery, you can hope the train is on time, you can hope the waitress doesn't stick her thumb in your soup. You can even hope that you don't accidentally drop the soap in the jail shower and become Bubba the steroidal rapists new love interest.  But you can't hope to quit. You have failed before you start with that thinking.  You CAN quit or not quit, but there is no hope.

Try is Hope's buck toothed half retarded sexually ambigous twin sister. You can try a new flavor of edible underoos, you can try to run a marathon, you can even "try" to wiggle free from your prison paramour Bubba when he tells you to hold still "just for a second, just to see how it feels."

Try implies an attempt, and an attempt provides an opportunity for failure.  Yoda once told me " Do or do not, there is no try" You have no option for failure. This is your life. Try is for games of chance, athletes and aspiring porn stars about to take 12 inches in the can. Try is not for quitters, try is for failures, because in this game you either win or die.

Truckerick posted something along the following lines which
speaks to the difference between try and do.The difference between success and fail.

  "Once the warriors had been off loaded from their boats onto their enemy's shore, the Greek commanders would shout out their first order…"burn the boats!" The sight of burning boats removed any notion of retreat from their hearts and any thoughts of surrender from their boats being set to the torch. As the boats turned to ash and slipped quietly out of sight into the water, each man understood there was no turning back and the only way home was through victory."

Burn your boat and quit with resolve ,  no acceptable possibility but success.

Quit or don't. If you quit, it is unconditional. There is no just one, there is no reward chew, no I'm sad chew, no it's too hard, you quit and agree to ride the wave. It's like Bubba said , "there is really no half way, its either in or its out cupcake" Your either fully quit and take personal responsibility for your actions, or you don't  and you ultimately relapse. But it's easier to blame UST then to blame ourselves. Its easier to lie that it can't be done, I'll quit tomorrow, I'm too addicted, its not the right time, I hope I can, I wish I can, I'm going to try. Screw hope ( not high school Hope you sicko, wtf is wrong with you?) I meant hoping to quit, and screw try as well, DO IT. It is easier than you think. Is it going to hurt a bit? probably, but pain is temporary and quit is forever as they say. Chicks dig scars, no guts no glory etc etc. Gather up your courage and get quit or stay quit, but for your own good don't hope and don't try.

The choice, ......and it is a choice, is yours. The responsibility of  achieving success is yours as well, no one can cause your failure  but you. No one, not even Bubba is going to sneak up behind you and jam a peach skoal suppository in your mouth.
That failure is by your hand alone.

P.S.
IF Bubba gets behind you Peach skoal is the least of your worries. 

Stay quit suckers

sm

If this doesn't belong in w.o.w., I don't know what does. Very nice work, sm.

Second the motion. Also, probably on a comedy page somewhere.

"Like watching a steroidal jellyfish trying to screw a giant licorice whip." 'crackup'

Another classic, sm. Thank you.

[theo3wood]

Once upon a highschool I knew a tank sized fattapotamus named "Hope" . She was a useless chewed bubblegum looking ginormous wad of girth that wore Salmon colored shorts which showed her questionably colored panties as she contorted and wobbled her elephant sized particulars up the rope in the gym. Like watching a steroidal jellyfish trying to screw a giant licorice whip.

I Hope I can quit, I hope this works, I hope, I hope , I hope.......... your a moron. I hope your paying attention.

Like the high school Hope O Saurus , hoping to quit is useless and won't get it done. When you say you "hope you can quit", you transfer the responsibility of quitting to some unicorn riding quit fairy and away from yourself. You might as well wish on a star that you'll be quit in the morning. "I wish I could quit? " of all the defeatest idiotic garbage " hope to quit" and "wish I could" are two tell tale signs of impending failure. Where is the responsibility for your own self control?
Nothing keeps you from quitting but you, and the lies you tell. Hope isn't for quitters


ITS A DECISION. You decided to quit? then quit Dammit. Choices have consequences and rewards. To quit means to face withdrawl, it requires the confrontation of triggers without using nicotine. It will not always be easy,but get over it. This is the price you pay to earn your freedom.Besides, what have you ever earned of value that was easy? ( Besides Bubba's undying love) . it won't always be hard either, so look forward to that. You learn to live life without a chemical addiction.The reward is bigger than High School Hope's ever expanding ass. Better relationships, your self respect, freedom, control, health, perhaps your very life. Maybe the next dip is the one that kills you?

You can't hope your way to freedom from nicotine, but you can choose it.

You can hope you win the lottery, you can hope the train is on time, you can hope the waitress doesn't stick her thumb in your soup. You can even hope that you don't accidentally drop the soap in the jail shower and become Bubba the steroidal rapists new love interest. But you can't hope to quit. You have failed before you start with that thinking. You CAN quit or not quit, but there is no hope.

Try is Hope's buck toothed half retarded sexually ambigous twin sister. You can try a new flavor of edible underoos, you can try to run a marathon, you can even "try" to wiggle free from your prison paramour Bubba when he tells you to hold still "just for a second, just to see how it feels."

Try implies an attempt, and an attempt provides an opportunity for failure. Yoda once told me " Do or do not, there is no try" You have no option for failure. This is your life. Try is for games of chance, athletes and aspiring porn stars about to take 12 inches in the can. Try is not for quitters, try is for failures, because in this game you either win or die.

Truckerick posted something along the following lines which
speaks to the difference between try and do.The difference between success and fail.

"Once the warriors had been off loaded from their boats onto their enemy's shore, the Greek commanders would shout out their first orderÂ…"burn the boats!" The sight of burning boats removed any notion of retreat from their hearts and any thoughts of surrender from their boats being set to the torch. As the boats turned to ash and slipped quietly out of sight into the water, each man understood there was no turning back and the only way home was through victory."

Burn your boat and quit with resolve , no acceptable possibility but success.

Quit or don't. If you quit, it is unconditional. There is no just one, there is no reward chew, no I'm sad chew, no it's too hard, you quit and agree to ride the wave. It's like Bubba said , "there is really no half way, its either in or its out cupcake" Your either fully quit and take personal responsibility for your actions, or you don't and you ultimately relapse. But it's easier to blame UST then to blame ourselves. Its easier to lie that it can't be done, I'll quit tomorrow, I'm too addicted, its not the right time, I hope I can, I wish I can, I'm going to try. Screw hope ( not high school Hope you sicko, wtf is wrong with you?) I meant hoping to quit, and screw try as well, DO IT. It is easier than you think. Is it going to hurt a bit? probably, but pain is temporary and quit is forever as they say. Chicks dig scars, no guts no glory etc etc. Gather up your courage and get quit or stay quit, but for your own good don't hope and don't try.

The choice, ......and it is a choice, is yours. The responsibility of achieving success is yours as well, no one can cause your failure but you. No one, not even Bubba is going to sneak up behind you and jam a peach skoal suppository in your mouth.
That failure is by your hand alone.

P.S.
IF Bubba gets behind you Peach skoal is the least of your worries.

Stay quit suckers

sm

If this doesn't belong in w.o.w., I don't know what does. Very nice work, sm.

[Skoal Monster]

Once upon a highschool I knew a tank sized fattapotamus named "Hope" . She was a useless chewed bubblegum looking ginormous wad of girth that wore Salmon colored shorts which showed her questionably colored panties as she contorted and wobbled her elephant sized particulars up the rope in the gym. Like watching a steroidal jellyfish trying to screw a giant licorice whip.

I Hope I can quit, I hope this works, I hope, I hope , I hope.......... your a moron. I hope your paying attention.

Like the high school Hope O Saurus , hoping to quit is useless and won't get it done. When you say you "hope you can quit", you transfer the responsibility of quitting to some unicorn riding quit fairy and away from yourself. You might as well wish on a star that you'll be quit in the morning. "I wish I could quit? " of all the defeatest idiotic garbage " hope to quit" and "wish I could" are two tell tale signs of impending failure. Where is the responsibility for your own self control?
Nothing keeps you from quitting but you, and the lies you tell. Hope isn't for quitters


ITS A DECISION. You decided to quit? then quit Dammit. Choices have consequences and rewards. To quit means to face withdrawl, it requires the confrontation of triggers without using nicotine. It will not always be easy,but get over it. This is the price you pay to earn your freedom.Besides, what have you ever earned of value that was easy? ( Besides Bubba's undying love) . it won't always be hard either, so look forward to that. You learn to live life without a chemical addiction.The reward is bigger than High School Hope's ever expanding ass. Better relationships, your self respect, freedom, control, health, perhaps your very life. Maybe the next dip is the one that kills you?

You can't hope your way to freedom from nicotine, but you can choose it.

You can hope you win the lottery, you can hope the train is on time, you can hope the waitress doesn't stick her thumb in your soup. You can even hope that you don't accidentally drop the soap in the jail shower and become Bubba the steroidal rapists new love interest. But you can't hope to quit. You have failed before you start with that thinking. You CAN quit or not quit, but there is no hope.

Try is Hope's buck toothed half retarded sexually ambigous twin sister. You can try a new flavor of edible underoos, you can try to run a marathon, you can even "try" to wiggle free from your prison paramour Bubba when he tells you to hold still "just for a second, just to see how it feels."

Try implies an attempt, and an attempt provides an opportunity for failure. Yoda once told me " Do or do not, there is no try" You have no option for failure. This is your life. Try is for games of chance, athletes and aspiring porn stars about to take 12 inches in the can. Try is not for quitters, try is for failures, because in this game you either win or die.

Truckerick posted something along the following lines which
speaks to the difference between try and do.The difference between success and fail.

"Once the warriors had been off loaded from their boats onto their enemy's shore, the Greek commanders would shout out their first orderÂ…"burn the boats!" The sight of burning boats removed any notion of retreat from their hearts and any thoughts of surrender from their boats being set to the torch. As the boats turned to ash and slipped quietly out of sight into the water, each man understood there was no turning back and the only way home was through victory."

Burn your boat and quit with resolve , no acceptable possibility but success.

Quit or don't. If you quit, it is unconditional. There is no just one, there is no reward chew, no I'm sad chew, no it's too hard, you quit and agree to ride the wave. It's like Bubba said , "there is really no half way, its either in or its out cupcake" Your either fully quit and take personal responsibility for your actions, or you don't and you ultimately relapse. But it's easier to blame UST then to blame ourselves. Its easier to lie that it can't be done, I'll quit tomorrow, I'm too addicted, its not the right time, I hope I can, I wish I can, I'm going to try. Screw hope ( not high school Hope you sicko, wtf is wrong with you?) I meant hoping to quit, and screw try as well, DO IT. It is easier than you think. Is it going to hurt a bit? probably, but pain is temporary and quit is forever as they say. Chicks dig scars, no guts no glory etc etc. Gather up your courage and get quit or stay quit, but for your own good don't hope and don't try.

The choice, ......and it is a choice, is yours. The responsibility of achieving success is yours as well, no one can cause your failure but you. No one, not even Bubba is going to sneak up behind you and jam a peach skoal suppository in your mouth.
That failure is by your hand alone.

P.S.
IF Bubba gets behind you Peach skoal is the least of your worries.

Stay quit suckers

sm

[RickDicolus]

SM,
You've always been a big help with the more cerebral aspects of quitting. I know cerebral aspects of anything around here are frowned upon so I just wanted to congratulate you on your "promotion" to moderator. Keep up the good work man.

[Skoal Monster]

ONE TRUTH

One small detail that has made all the difference. I remember dipping and wanting to quit. I mean REALLY wanting to quit. Fear of cancer wanting to quit, pray to God wanting to quit, try anything wanting to quit. Wife crying begging me to quit, kids spitting on the ground to be like Daddy wanting to quit.

I'd feel the desire to quit and remember previous attempts. A day, a week, 6 months. I would laugh at myself because I was so stupid. How could I hate something having so much power over me, get free of it, then forget I hated it, miss it , go back, and restart the cycle. 'bang head'

A promise to myself.
No matter what happened, if I could ever break free again, I would remember how bad I wanted to quit. I lose the fear of addiction from time to time, I tell myself secrets about a dip or a smoke , I forget alot of the struggle to get here, But I clearly remember my promise made in a moment of clarity. If I could want to free myself of something so bad when I had it, then I know that wanting it when I have successfully gained my freedom is addiction and not truth. The simple memory of my desire to stop works on all my lies like a shield.

Hold onto something, your reason for quitting, the emotion behind it. Write it down. There may come a day where you forget your an addict, a day where you think one won't hurt, a day where you believe you can quit again at will. On that day you will need to remember how bad you wished you never tried it, how hard it was to gather the strength to quit, how much you hated the control it had on you, how much you wished , prayed, begged, and pleaded to get quit. If you can tap into that you'll never look back, no matter what your inner addict whispers in your ear.

sm

[Skoal Monster]

Rocky posted one of my late night rambles, and I got a couple of PM's on it. As I was responding to Lochi , I laid out my own theory about where my mind is aton day 479 regarding use rationalizations. I think one key to success is really being able to identify your "inner addict" feeding you reasons why you should have a dip, smoke etc. In any case, here is my deal. The Words of wisdom link is below as reference.

index.php?showtopic=3416

I just read your rationalization message in WORDS OF WISDOM section.  Bro - You were speaking right to me this morning.  I needed to read your words.  I have been a mother fucker lately to my family and I have been questioning whether I am a better parent with or without the dip? 

I keep forgetting that shit kills and I'm much better off alive (and a fucktard) then dead to my family.  I know that much for sure. 

Thanks for your help!  And please continue posting your thoughts.  You have a way with words!!

Lochi21 - Day 91

Glad it helps, sometimes all the drugs I do combine just right and I get a rational thought. ( Just kidding....kind of)

91 days is huge, but it's just a start. YOur going to have good and bad days. You WILL still make up reasons why you need to dip. At least I do. Funny thing is you'll recognize your own bs. I can actually laugh at myself now when I think " I'm really stressed out, maybe I should have a dip" it used to piss me off that I still thought like that, now, although annoying , its just lame. I don't know about the future but I think I may have that little whisper for a long time, maybe forever. I have decided that's ok. It is the price I have to pay because I started dipping in the first place. Kind of like a physical scar from some dumbass thing I did as a kid. Only this scar is a mental one .

The guys that cave after 100 or even 1,000 forget. They forget that they're addicts. They forget that the whisper is never going away. They forget how hard it was to get to 100 days clean. I am still getting better at catching myself rationalizing why I could or should dip again. Mostly because I watch the new guys saying the same stupid shit, only they believe it still. I think I win in the end, as long as I stay quit one day at a time, I'll keep healing.

I dipped for 8,000 plus days. My 479 kicks ass, but 8,000 days of dipping is a long time . It will take a bit to unlearn all that shit. It'll take a bit to learn who the hell I am without dip. Smokey once said "Bout time we start reclaiming control of other aspects of our lives and choices, eh? Hate to break it to you Octopussies, but this isn't just about quitting nicotine."

In my opinion it is also about letting go of an imaginary crutch and learning how to run without it, and Smoke is right about reclaiming control of our lives and choices. This is one of my favorite quotes, because it really puts the shit in perspective.


sm

[Greg5280]

This thead should be read beginning to end. What an awesome collection of quit wisdom all in one place.

Allec,
SM is a wise quitter. His posts have helped me quite a bit. Spend some time in here.... very good stuff.

[allec]

This thead should be read beginning to end. What an awesome collection of quit wisdom all in one place.

[Lochi21]

Journal

Monday, May 10, 2010 12:10 AM CDT

I'm sliding backwards. I have been angry since Christmas because life is either at a standstill or going backwards. During the last 5 years I felt I was gradually doing better. I would have dips of depression and sadness, but then I would come back. However, the last 6 months have had fewer days of happiness than sadness. I'm angry that I'm not on that gradual incline towards happiness. I want to enjoy life, but there is a cloud hanging over me at all times. For the first time, I am actually contemplating an anti-depressant. I recently told a friend that I still cry every day - sometimes a lot, sometimes a little. She said, "Still, after all this time?" It won't ever go away, but I thought it would continually get better.

I'm sure part of it has to do with Alexa graduating. Her hockey team made it to state for the second year in a row. In the past two years, the best games I have seen the team play have been the section championship games at Gustavus (where Tom and I went to college). Tom's work-study job was at the hockey rink. Last year, they beat Mankato West (Tom's high school) to go to state. I told Alexa that Dad had to be there because Hutch was playing Mankato West at Gustavus - how could he NOT be there!

Alexa has her last choir concert in a couple of weeks. I know I will cry. They sing a goodbye song for the seniors as we watch a slide show of their baby pictures and senior pictures.

We are planning to have Tom's high school and college friends come at the end of her graduation party to tell stories about him for the kids. We all love to here stories about him. It's hard to celebrate when he isn't here to celebrate with us. I know graduation day will be hard - watching her, knowing that she is missing him.

We recently had to junk Tom's Ranger. It was too old and needed too many repairs. Mackenzie and I had the hardest time parting with it. She drove it right after Tom died until she had Kenra. It was letting go of one more piece of him.

Connor recently hit a homerun, and I know he wished Tom were there to congratulate him. Tom would have loved to see him all dressed up for the homecoming dance. He would enjoy teasing Connor's about his girlfriend! Tom would be proud of his grades and the quality of his character.

Tori really needs her dad to give her a big hug. She is such a good girl, but anytime she makes a mistake she thinks she is letting him down. He needs to tell her that he loves her no matter what. She beats herself up sometimes. It isn't enough for me to tell her Tom loves her no matter what.

I'm so proud of the people our children are growing up to be. I'm happy they have so much of Tom's character in them. I wish he were here to share in my joys as I watch them grow and mature.

Thanks for your continued support. I need the words of encouragement.

Jenny

I will never never never put that shit in my mouth again.

sm

me neither, thanks for keeping it all in focus sm

Was having a rough day, first craves I have had in several days. I think they just rolled down the right side of my face.

Glad I found this today. I needed it.

Tears. I needed to read this in the worst way. Thanks SM!

[d45murf]

Journal

Monday, May 10, 2010 12:10 AM CDT

I'm sliding backwards. I have been angry since Christmas because life is either at a standstill or going backwards. During the last 5 years I felt I was gradually doing better. I would have dips of depression and sadness, but then I would come back. However, the last 6 months have had fewer days of happiness than sadness. I'm angry that I'm not on that gradual incline towards happiness. I want to enjoy life, but there is a cloud hanging over me at all times. For the first time, I am actually contemplating an anti-depressant. I recently told a friend that I still cry every day - sometimes a lot, sometimes a little. She said, "Still, after all this time?" It won't ever go away, but I thought it would continually get better.

I'm sure part of it has to do with Alexa graduating. Her hockey team made it to state for the second year in a row. In the past two years, the best games I have seen the team play have been the section championship games at Gustavus (where Tom and I went to college). Tom's work-study job was at the hockey rink. Last year, they beat Mankato West (Tom's high school) to go to state. I told Alexa that Dad had to be there because Hutch was playing Mankato West at Gustavus - how could he NOT be there!

Alexa has her last choir concert in a couple of weeks. I know I will cry. They sing a goodbye song for the seniors as we watch a slide show of their baby pictures and senior pictures.

We are planning to have Tom's high school and college friends come at the end of her graduation party to tell stories about him for the kids. We all love to here stories about him. It's hard to celebrate when he isn't here to celebrate with us. I know graduation day will be hard - watching her, knowing that she is missing him.

We recently had to junk Tom's Ranger. It was too old and needed too many repairs. Mackenzie and I had the hardest time parting with it. She drove it right after Tom died until she had Kenra. It was letting go of one more piece of him.

Connor recently hit a homerun, and I know he wished Tom were there to congratulate him. Tom would have loved to see him all dressed up for the homecoming dance. He would enjoy teasing Connor's about his girlfriend! Tom would be proud of his grades and the quality of his character.

Tori really needs her dad to give her a big hug. She is such a good girl, but anytime she makes a mistake she thinks she is letting him down. He needs to tell her that he loves her no matter what. She beats herself up sometimes. It isn't enough for me to tell her Tom loves her no matter what.

I'm so proud of the people our children are growing up to be. I'm happy they have so much of Tom's character in them. I wish he were here to share in my joys as I watch them grow and mature.

Thanks for your continued support. I need the words of encouragement.

Jenny

I will never never never put that shit in my mouth again.

sm

me neither, thanks for keeping it all in focus sm

Was having a rough day, first craves I have had in several days. I think they just rolled down the right side of my face.

Glad I found this today. I needed it.

[RAZD611]

Journal

Monday, May 10, 2010 12:10 AM CDT

I'm sliding backwards. I have been angry since Christmas because life is either at a standstill or going backwards. During the last 5 years I felt I was gradually doing better. I would have dips of depression and sadness, but then I would come back. However, the last 6 months have had fewer days of happiness than sadness. I'm angry that I'm not on that gradual incline towards happiness. I want to enjoy life, but there is a cloud hanging over me at all times. For the first time, I am actually contemplating an anti-depressant. I recently told a friend that I still cry every day - sometimes a lot, sometimes a little. She said, "Still, after all this time?" It won't ever go away, but I thought it would continually get better.

I'm sure part of it has to do with Alexa graduating. Her hockey team made it to state for the second year in a row. In the past two years, the best games I have seen the team play have been the section championship games at Gustavus (where Tom and I went to college). Tom's work-study job was at the hockey rink. Last year, they beat Mankato West (Tom's high school) to go to state. I told Alexa that Dad had to be there because Hutch was playing Mankato West at Gustavus - how could he NOT be there!

Alexa has her last choir concert in a couple of weeks. I know I will cry. They sing a goodbye song for the seniors as we watch a slide show of their baby pictures and senior pictures.

We are planning to have Tom's high school and college friends come at the end of her graduation party to tell stories about him for the kids. We all love to here stories about him. It's hard to celebrate when he isn't here to celebrate with us. I know graduation day will be hard - watching her, knowing that she is missing him.

We recently had to junk Tom's Ranger. It was too old and needed too many repairs. Mackenzie and I had the hardest time parting with it. She drove it right after Tom died until she had Kenra. It was letting go of one more piece of him.

Connor recently hit a homerun, and I know he wished Tom were there to congratulate him. Tom would have loved to see him all dressed up for the homecoming dance. He would enjoy teasing Connor's about his girlfriend! Tom would be proud of his grades and the quality of his character.

Tori really needs her dad to give her a big hug. She is such a good girl, but anytime she makes a mistake she thinks she is letting him down. He needs to tell her that he loves her no matter what. She beats herself up sometimes. It isn't enough for me to tell her Tom loves her no matter what.

I'm so proud of the people our children are growing up to be. I'm happy they have so much of Tom's character in them. I wish he were here to share in my joys as I watch them grow and mature.

Thanks for your continued support. I need the words of encouragement.

Jenny

I will never never never put that shit in my mouth again.

sm

me neither, thanks for keeping it all in focus sm

Was having a rough day, first craves I have had in several days. I think they just rolled down the right side of my face.

[cdforecheck]

Journal

Monday, May 10, 2010 12:10 AM CDT

I'm sliding backwards. I have been angry since Christmas because life is either at a standstill or going backwards. During the last 5 years I felt I was gradually doing better. I would have dips of depression and sadness, but then I would come back. However, the last 6 months have had fewer days of happiness than sadness. I'm angry that I'm not on that gradual incline towards happiness. I want to enjoy life, but there is a cloud hanging over me at all times. For the first time, I am actually contemplating an anti-depressant. I recently told a friend that I still cry every day - sometimes a lot, sometimes a little. She said, "Still, after all this time?" It won't ever go away, but I thought it would continually get better.

I'm sure part of it has to do with Alexa graduating. Her hockey team made it to state for the second year in a row. In the past two years, the best games I have seen the team play have been the section championship games at Gustavus (where Tom and I went to college). Tom's work-study job was at the hockey rink. Last year, they beat Mankato West (Tom's high school) to go to state. I told Alexa that Dad had to be there because Hutch was playing Mankato West at Gustavus - how could he NOT be there!

Alexa has her last choir concert in a couple of weeks. I know I will cry. They sing a goodbye song for the seniors as we watch a slide show of their baby pictures and senior pictures.

We are planning to have Tom's high school and college friends come at the end of her graduation party to tell stories about him for the kids. We all love to here stories about him. It's hard to celebrate when he isn't here to celebrate with us. I know graduation day will be hard - watching her, knowing that she is missing him.

We recently had to junk Tom's Ranger. It was too old and needed too many repairs. Mackenzie and I had the hardest time parting with it. She drove it right after Tom died until she had Kenra. It was letting go of one more piece of him.

Connor recently hit a homerun, and I know he wished Tom were there to congratulate him. Tom would have loved to see him all dressed up for the homecoming dance. He would enjoy teasing Connor's about his girlfriend! Tom would be proud of his grades and the quality of his character.

Tori really needs her dad to give her a big hug. She is such a good girl, but anytime she makes a mistake she thinks she is letting him down. He needs to tell her that he loves her no matter what. She beats herself up sometimes. It isn't enough for me to tell her Tom loves her no matter what.

I'm so proud of the people our children are growing up to be. I'm happy they have so much of Tom's character in them. I wish he were here to share in my joys as I watch them grow and mature.

Thanks for your continued support. I need the words of encouragement.

Jenny

I will never never never put that shit in my mouth again.

sm

me neither, thanks for keeping it all in focus sm

[Skoal Monster]

Journal

Monday, May 10, 2010 12:10 AM CDT

I'm sliding backwards. I have been angry since Christmas because life is either at a standstill or going backwards. During the last 5 years I felt I was gradually doing better. I would have dips of depression and sadness, but then I would come back. However, the last 6 months have had fewer days of happiness than sadness. I'm angry that I'm not on that gradual incline towards happiness. I want to enjoy life, but there is a cloud hanging over me at all times. For the first time, I am actually contemplating an anti-depressant. I recently told a friend that I still cry every day - sometimes a lot, sometimes a little. She said, "Still, after all this time?" It won't ever go away, but I thought it would continually get better.

I'm sure part of it has to do with Alexa graduating. Her hockey team made it to state for the second year in a row. In the past two years, the best games I have seen the team play have been the section championship games at Gustavus (where Tom and I went to college). Tom's work-study job was at the hockey rink. Last year, they beat Mankato West (Tom's high school) to go to state. I told Alexa that Dad had to be there because Hutch was playing Mankato West at Gustavus - how could he NOT be there!

Alexa has her last choir concert in a couple of weeks. I know I will cry. They sing a goodbye song for the seniors as we watch a slide show of their baby pictures and senior pictures.

We are planning to have Tom's high school and college friends come at the end of her graduation party to tell stories about him for the kids. We all love to here stories about him. It's hard to celebrate when he isn't here to celebrate with us. I know graduation day will be hard - watching her, knowing that she is missing him.

We recently had to junk Tom's Ranger. It was too old and needed too many repairs. Mackenzie and I had the hardest time parting with it. She drove it right after Tom died until she had Kenra. It was letting go of one more piece of him.

Connor recently hit a homerun, and I know he wished Tom were there to congratulate him. Tom would have loved to see him all dressed up for the homecoming dance. He would enjoy teasing Connor's about his girlfriend! Tom would be proud of his grades and the quality of his character.

Tori really needs her dad to give her a big hug. She is such a good girl, but anytime she makes a mistake she thinks she is letting him down. He needs to tell her that he loves her no matter what. She beats herself up sometimes. It isn't enough for me to tell her Tom loves her no matter what.

I'm so proud of the people our children are growing up to be. I'm happy they have so much of Tom's character in them. I wish he were here to share in my joys as I watch them grow and mature.

Thanks for your continued support. I need the words of encouragement.

Jenny

I will never never never put that shit in my mouth again.

sm

[Kdip]

Great stuff SM!!!! What every addict should read and take to heart!!!! Thanks for posting this story!!!

[Helios]

Great stuff SM.

Again.

Thank you.