Mark4

[Spence249]

I'm a retread quitter, meaning its my second time through. I was 6-days into my quit and, bam, I caved. Back to Day 1. Because of that i wanted to start a new introduction because the guy who posted originally has gone and is changed. This is my reaffirmation to my group, but more of a personal journal thats starts today.

I started dipping in high school, about 30 years ago. I hid it well as I can now say, I was embarrassed by it and I hid/denied how bad it controlled me. I tried to quit a dozen times and failed. Feeling an extreme need to get free of this once and for all I began a quest to figure out how to do this and ended up here at KTC. I did what was asked of me and was 100% sincere about doing this - I had to quit.

6 Days in I caved... and told my group about it. I caught holy hell for this as I should, but all that was a distant concern as to why I really caved. I really wanted this and I caved? After a LOT of soul searching, I think it all boils down to finding that line where you aren't planning a quit, thinking about it, want to do it, but that line in your mind where you draw a line in the sand and say it ends here. It is a choice. Left or Right. At first, I didn't fully get that, but its huge. This small distinction cost me dearly and I caved. There will never be a good time to quit, theres not even a good time after you quit as I learned. Life got crazy + no line in the sand = cave.

I am an addict, we are supremely gifted at lying; to ourselves, to our wives, our bosses, anyone or anything that dare get between me and my cancerous, family breaking, lip rot. I read a lot of crap here about brotherhood and accountability and had these weirdoes sending me their cell numbers, and that was cool, thought it may come in handy if I run into a bad day. What I learned the hard way is, if its not an vibrant active daily communication network, it won't be enough to talk you off a cliff on a day you are about to cave. In an emergency you don't have time to develop friendships, you need some damn help now, people who know you - you need first responders especially at the outset of a quit. When life pushed me and the nic bitch said, oh I'm here sweetie, there was no network, there wasn't anything but the nic offering me some quick relief and more life being owned by it. I failed, you will fail: without brothers in the fight on speed dial.

I'm glad to now have lots of numbers but what I changed was making a list of First Responders, these are people I hit up and begged to let me nag them day and night and several times a day. People I'd come cry to when a crave was kicking my butt. My First Responders:

cbird
Bronc
H-Prime
Slug.Go
Leonard Thompson
Raider

I suck at this as I have demonstrated, but now there is a line in my life which this will not cross. And some brave souls have stepped up to help me keep my word and faithful to that line. They talk about ODAAT a lot, Im still OHAAT - One Hour At A Time.

I now carry that quit contract, but I modified for my life and family adding their names and things.

I came really close to leaving this place after my cave because of the hyper negative reaction and over the top abuse I received. But IM still standing! More important was that wild reaction helped me see the gravity of my addiction. This isn't about getting yelled at, its about my life. Once I realized how big this demon was, and drew my line, I knew i needed help, and all these raging quitters in here ASKING to help me quit - well could there be any better place to be? I'm so far from perfect and Im just one decision away from another cave - if that dont keep you up at night, nothing will. This is all or nothing battle and I brought a BB Gun to a war the first time. This second time....I'm still a screwed up addict, but I think I have the people and tools around me to be successful and defend my line, and I now carry a .44, literally.

Tomorrow will be my first Day 7 and Im stoked and nervous.

Hang in there brother. We're all here for you and each other.

[Raider]

I'm a retread quitter, meaning its my second time through. I was 6-days into my quit and, bam, I caved. Back to Day 1. Because of that i wanted to start a new introduction because the guy who posted originally has gone and is changed. This is my reaffirmation to my group, but more of a personal journal thats starts today.

I started dipping in high school, about 30 years ago. I hid it well as I can now say, I was embarrassed by it and I hid/denied how bad it controlled me. I tried to quit a dozen times and failed. Feeling an extreme need to get free of this once and for all I began a quest to figure out how to do this and ended up here at KTC. I did what was asked of me and was 100% sincere about doing this - I had to quit.

6 Days in I caved... and told my group about it. I caught holy hell for this as I should, but all that was a distant concern as to why I really caved. I really wanted this and I caved? After a LOT of soul searching, I think it all boils down to finding that line where you aren't planning a quit, thinking about it, want to do it, but that line in your mind where you draw a line in the sand and say it ends here. It is a choice. Left or Right. At first, I didn't fully get that, but its huge. This small distinction cost me dearly and I caved. There will never be a good time to quit, theres not even a good time after you quit as I learned. Life got crazy + no line in the sand = cave.

I am an addict, we are supremely gifted at lying; to ourselves, to our wives, our bosses, anyone or anything that dare get between me and my cancerous, family breaking, lip rot. I read a lot of crap here about brotherhood and accountability and had these weirdoes sending me their cell numbers, and that was cool, thought it may come in handy if I run into a bad day. What I learned the hard way is, if its not an vibrant active daily communication network, it won't be enough to talk you off a cliff on a day you are about to cave. In an emergency you don't have time to develop friendships, you need some damn help now, people who know you - you need first responders especially at the outset of a quit. When life pushed me and the nic bitch said, oh I'm here sweetie, there was no network, there wasn't anything but the nic offering me some quick relief and more life being owned by it. I failed, you will fail: without brothers in the fight on speed dial.

I'm glad to now have lots of numbers but what I changed was making a list of First Responders, these are people I hit up and begged to let me nag them day and night and several times a day. People I'd come cry to when a crave was kicking my butt. My First Responders:

cbird
Bronc
H-Prime
Slug.Go
Leonard Thompson
Raider

I suck at this as I have demonstrated, but now there is a line in my life which this will not cross. And some brave souls have stepped up to help me keep my word and faithful to that line. They talk about ODAAT a lot, Im still OHAAT - One Hour At A Time.

I now carry that quit contract, but I modified for my life and family adding their names and things.

I came really close to leaving this place after my cave because of the hyper negative reaction and over the top abuse I received. But IM still standing! More important was that wild reaction helped me see the gravity of my addiction. This isn't about getting yelled at, its about my life. Once I realized how big this demon was, and drew my line, I knew i needed help, and all these raging quitters in here ASKING to help me quit - well could there be any better place to be? I'm so far from perfect and Im just one decision away from another cave - if that dont keep you up at night, nothing will. This is all or nothing battle and I brought a BB Gun to a war the first time. This second time....I'm still a screwed up addict, but I think I have the people and tools around me to be successful and defend my line, and I now carry a .44, literally.

Tomorrow will be my first Day 7 and Im stoked and nervous.

Glad you hung in there. Most would have bailed over the ass beating you took. You know the rules. Glad to be quit with you today.

[mark4]

I'm a retread quitter, meaning its my second time through. I was 6-days into my quit and, bam, I caved. Back to Day 1. Because of that i wanted to start a new introduction because the guy who posted originally has gone and is changed. This is my reaffirmation to my group, but more of a personal journal thats starts today.

I started dipping in high school, about 30 years ago. I hid it well as I can now say, I was embarrassed by it and I hid/denied how bad it controlled me. I tried to quit a dozen times and failed. Feeling an extreme need to get free of this once and for all I began a quest to figure out how to do this and ended up here at KTC. I did what was asked of me and was 100% sincere about doing this - I had to quit.

6 Days in I caved... and told my group about it. I caught holy hell for this as I should, but all that was a distant concern as to why I really caved. I really wanted this and I caved? After a LOT of soul searching, I think it all boils down to finding that line where you aren't planning a quit, thinking about it, want to do it, but that line in your mind where you draw a line in the sand and say it ends here. It is a choice. Left or Right. At first, I didn't fully get that, but its huge. This small distinction cost me dearly and I caved. There will never be a good time to quit, theres not even a good time after you quit as I learned. Life got crazy + no line in the sand = cave.

I am an addict, we are supremely gifted at lying; to ourselves, to our wives, our bosses, anyone or anything that dare get between me and my cancerous, family breaking, lip rot. I read a lot of crap here about brotherhood and accountability and had these weirdoes sending me their cell numbers, and that was cool, thought it may come in handy if I run into a bad day. What I learned the hard way is, if its not an vibrant active daily communication network, it won't be enough to talk you off a cliff on a day you are about to cave. In an emergency you don't have time to develop friendships, you need some damn help now, people who know you - you need first responders especially at the outset of a quit. When life pushed me and the nic bitch said, oh I'm here sweetie, there was no network, there wasn't anything but the nic offering me some quick relief and more life being owned by it. I failed, you will fail: without brothers in the fight on speed dial.

I'm glad to now have lots of numbers but what I changed was making a list of First Responders, these are people I hit up and begged to let me nag them day and night and several times a day. People I'd come cry to when a crave was kicking my butt. My First Responders:

cbird
Bronc
H-Prime
Slug.Go
Leonard Thompson
Raider

I suck at this as I have demonstrated, but now there is a line in my life which this will not cross. And some brave souls have stepped up to help me keep my word and faithful to that line. They talk about ODAAT a lot, Im still OHAAT - One Hour At A Time.

I now carry that quit contract, but I modified for my life and family adding their names and things.

I came really close to leaving this place after my cave because of the hyper negative reaction and over the top abuse I received. But IM still standing! More important was that wild reaction helped me see the gravity of my addiction. This isn't about getting yelled at, its about my life. Once I realized how big this demon was, and drew my line, I knew i needed help, and all these raging quitters in here ASKING to help me quit - well could there be any better place to be? I'm so far from perfect and Im just one decision away from another cave - if that dont keep you up at night, nothing will. This is all or nothing battle and I brought a BB Gun to a war the first time. This second time....I'm still a screwed up addict, but I think I have the people and tools around me to be successful and defend my line, and I now carry a .44, literally.

Tomorrow will be my first Day 7 and Im stoked and nervous.

[Mogul]

Mark, I'm only in my 130's of quit, but I love it. I love being quit. Do you? Does it make you feel somewhat satisfied to not be someone's bitch? I don't mean that in a derogatory way, just that nicotine is owning you at thus point, but for a few days you were winning. This is a brotherhood, you get to know people, make friends, stay quit TOGETHER. just yesterday GrizzClaws noticed I hadn't posted roll. My dad had a minor heart attack and I was with my family. Claws saved my ass because he was on the lookout for his brothers. That's badass quitting right there.

You figure out what you need to stay quit. KTC offers the very best quit available. You can take it to the extreme here. Figure out what you want and go get it

[Winter Green]

Be angry about it and be done. Life will throw curveballs every now and then. You just need to decide how you will deal with them. It's nobody else's decision but yours and yours alone. Sorry that things are not going well right now but keeping control of your quit is what we are concerned with. Glad you are back on here.

Ive made my posts in June and Introductions, I think those are the 2 I was supposed to post in. Thanks for your comments. My decision to quit is still there, but this failure has helped wake me up what it takes to get my body there as well.

QLF EDD

[mark4]

Be angry about it and be done. Life will throw curveballs every now and then. You just need to decide how you will deal with them. It's nobody else's decision but yours and yours alone. Sorry that things are not going well right now but keeping control of your quit is what we are concerned with. Glad you are back on here.

Ive made my posts in June and Introductions, I think those are the 2 I was supposed to post in. Thanks for your comments. My decision to quit is still there, but this failure has helped wake me up what it takes to get my body there as well.

[mark4]

At what would have been my Day 7, I caved. My excuse was real and urgent to me, but itÂ’s just an excuse. I wimpled out and convinced myself the fatigue and symptoms of quitting could be paused a bit with a pinch. It didn't work. That was Saturday afternoon; the dip, the can, and the nausea they caused all went down the toilet one after the other.

Despite all the comments here, and demands to "answer the 3 questions" now, I had to stop and think about this quit and KTC. This isn't about pleasing you, or making some grade with vets, its about my life. I'm questioning if I can even fully quit or should I even be here at KTC. But then I think, if not now, when? ItÂ’s a time bomb in my mouth that thankfully hasn't gone off. What would it take to get my body where my head wants it... My only answer is IÂ’ve got to get and stay around guys who know and been there and get tight enough with them that I can overcome this phase of my quit. The real tragedy would be to give up all the way and surrender to this demon. So I came back here to ask for a second chance. Not to please anyone, but to wage war on this addiction that has me hard.

What am I going to do differently? IÂ’ve got to plan more and take it more serious. As urgent and serious as this has been, it wasn't enough. People send me numbers but I've not done anything with them, which has to change, it has changed. I am also starting physical workouts to fight the terrible nighttime craves. Caving has also shown me what was weak about my quit. My resolve to quit has to be deeper and stronger than the urge to dip.

Lastly, I failed to post roll on Saturday. Unrelated, I also caved that day, in the afternoon. This was not planned and one had nothing to do with the other. Sunday I hopped on in the afternoon and posted roll as Day 7. Knowing I had caved, I searched around for what’s-next material and didn't find any. This morning I posted roll again (day 8), and told several people what had happened and asked what my next steps are. I also told anyone who asked how I was doing – this was not something being hidden. I didn’t know what happened in this situation and the day was hardly a thought. I now understand on Sat I should have posted a Day 1.

So I ask the KTC Quitters if you'll accept this apology and know I truly want to be here and do this, I need you much more than you need me. I understand how I can lose integrity by caving, but it’s about something I need to improve and do, not laziness or character flaws. I can’t apologize for being weak, but if my weakness is such that I cave again, I will promise to quietly remove myself from this forum for good. But this is not an option for me – I’ve got to get this done. And I'm here submitting myself to a bunch of guys I'll never know in person for the opportunity to break the addiction with their help. If you need to crucify me, so be it, but I'm just looking for men to do what you all yelled at me for - being alone in this.

Its up to you, I'll respect the process by not checking back here until i hear back from someone.

Mark

[Knockout]

Funny, I remember giving you my number and clearly stating "don't you even think about caving before you contact me".

Perhaps you should read up on how to handle a bad crave and re-evaluate just how serious you see this addiction. If you don't text or call another quitter as soon as a bad crave hits, you're an idiot.

Want to be quit? Answer the fucking questions and man up.

[Raider]

Be angry about it and be done. Life will throw curveballs every now and then. You just need to decide how you will deal with them. It's nobody else's decision but yours and yours alone. Sorry that things are not going well right now but keeping control of your quit is what we are concerned with. Glad you are back on here.

[MonsterMedic]

Dude, missed you on roll call this weekend. Hope your weekend plan is holding up.

Sent him an email.

Half assed quit

Posed Roll this am. Day 8. What happened over the weekend Mark? Remember to use your resources to post roll daily. Want to see you stay quit.

I'm sorry I'm just now replying, took me a while to find this part of the site. I had no idea those people had sent me a message until Raider did and it got emailed to me somehow.

Straight up, I had some very bad things happen Friday with my business and trying to deal with lawyers and this fog/crave madness, I ended up taking dip. Stupid thing was, it made me sick as I am now detoxed, so it didn't help. I dumped the can out and havent bought anymore - back on my quit. I don't know if this is what is called a "cave" or if I should post roll or start over at Day 1, don't know, but I did stumble. I posted roll Sunday and did uphold my commitment, but again, not sure where i stand or it should be Day 1 again.

This has no bearing on my quit and its not a half ass quit. This quit is a must for me, regardless of trips, stumbles, etc. But I do feel like I let Juners and this process down. But with or without you, this addiction will die.

You tell me whats next. And truly, thanks for even noticing and caring enough to post this.

Dude, you need someone you can reach out to when you're feeling like you need a dip. Going out and buying a can is NOT staying quit and it IS a cave.

You have to stay strong in your quit. Find someone to keep you accountable by texting every day. Posting roll doesn't seem to be enough to keep you quit. Find someone who will do it personally.

[AppleJack]

I'm sorry I'm just now replying, took me a while to find this part of the site. I had no idea those people had sent me a message until Raider did and it got emailed to me somehow.

Straight up, I had some very bad things happen Friday with my business and trying to deal with lawyers and this fog/crave madness, I ended up taking dip.  Stupid thing was, it made me sick as I am now detoxed, so it didn't help. I dumped the can out and havent bought anymore - back on my quit. I don't know if this is what is called a "cave" or if I should post roll or start over at Day 1, don't know, but I did stumble. I posted roll Sunday and did uphold my commitment, but again, not sure where i stand or it should be Day 1 again.

This has no bearing on my quit and its not a half ass quit. This quit is a must for me, regardless of trips, stumbles, etc. But I do feel like I let Juners and this process down.  But with or without you, this addiction will die.

You tell me whats next. And truly, thanks for even noticing and caring enough to post this.

This is some weak shit bro.

Yes. You caved. You're still owned by nicotine.
Dude... I have bad things happen to me too. My mom is practically dying from smoking for 45 years. I had to drop some sick money into my house this fall. My Durango is leaking oil. My toe hurts. There's a boogey I just... can't... reach. I'm STILL QUIT! You feel me? You're making excuses.

Despite what you said, your quit IS half assed. Get with it. Answer these questions...

What happened?
Why did it happen?
What are you going to do different this time?

[Grizzlyhasclaws]

Dude, missed you on roll call this weekend. Hope your weekend plan is holding up.

Sent him an email.

Half assed quit

Posed Roll this am. Day 8. What happened over the weekend Mark? Remember to use your resources to post roll daily. Want to see you stay quit.

I'm sorry I'm just now replying, took me a while to find this part of the site. I had no idea those people had sent me a message until Raider did and it got emailed to me somehow.

Straight up, I had some very bad things happen Friday with my business and trying to deal with lawyers and this fog/crave madness, I ended up taking dip. Stupid thing was, it made me sick as I am now detoxed, so it didn't help. I dumped the can out and havent bought anymore - back on my quit. I don't know if this is what is called a "cave" or if I should post roll or start over at Day 1, don't know, but I did stumble. I posted roll Sunday and did uphold my commitment, but again, not sure where i stand or it should be Day 1 again.

This has no bearing on my quit and its not a half ass quit. This quit is a must for me, regardless of trips, stumbles, etc. But I do feel like I let Juners and this process down. But with or without you, this addiction will die.

You tell me whats next. And truly, thanks for even noticing and caring enough to post this.

You need to get serious. You don't sound serious to me at all. Examine yourself and come back when you WANT to quit.

[mark4]

Dude, missed you on roll call this weekend. Hope your weekend plan is holding up.

Sent him an email.

Half assed quit

Posed Roll this am. Day 8. What happened over the weekend Mark? Remember to use your resources to post roll daily. Want to see you stay quit.

I'm sorry I'm just now replying, took me a while to find this part of the site. I had no idea those people had sent me a message until Raider did and it got emailed to me somehow.

Straight up, I had some very bad things happen Friday with my business and trying to deal with lawyers and this fog/crave madness, I ended up taking dip. Stupid thing was, it made me sick as I am now detoxed, so it didn't help. I dumped the can out and havent bought anymore - back on my quit. I don't know if this is what is called a "cave" or if I should post roll or start over at Day 1, don't know, but I did stumble. I posted roll Sunday and did uphold my commitment, but again, not sure where i stand or it should be Day 1 again.

This has no bearing on my quit and its not a half ass quit. This quit is a must for me, regardless of trips, stumbles, etc. But I do feel like I let Juners and this process down. But with or without you, this addiction will die.

You tell me whats next. And truly, thanks for even noticing and caring enough to post this.

[Raider]

Dude, missed you on roll call this weekend. Hope your weekend plan is holding up.

Sent him an email.

Half assed quit

Posed Roll this am. Day 8. What happened over the weekend Mark? Remember to use your resources to post roll daily. Want to see you stay quit.

[Winter Green]

Dude, missed you on roll call this weekend. Hope your weekend plan is holding up.

Sent him an email.

Half assed quit