50 Days of Living Free.
This is the first time I have ever really tried to quit. I mean I gave some weak ass attempts in college where I lasted a day or two. I also tried the gum and lozenges but I didn’t follow the plan I just used them whenever until I talked myself into buying the “good stuff.” I knew all along that the only way to quit was to go cold turkey but I didn’t want to go through it, I thought it would be too hard and I thought it wouldn’t be worth it. The past few years I have really struggled with the thought of quitting, I was planning it out and waiting for the perfect time but you know what? That perfect time just never came- there was always an excuse, a noble reason, a lie.
On May 30, 2013- I had a few beers and was getting ready to go to bed. I went to the kitchen sink to wash my dip down the drain but the sink was full of dishes. I opted to throw it in the garbage but when I did that I reached all the way down and didn’t have anything to bury it in- I thought to myself “self you should throw this away somewhere else or you going to get caught” but I was tired and slightly drunk so I thought fuck it. Well that morning 05/31/2013 the wife found it and asked me what I thought it was… And I fucking tried to lie about it!!! WOW. I spent that day at home and made the decision that I needed to get my priorities straight- ruin my life or set myself free. I went through the entire house and purged every hidden can that I could find- they were empty but I knew that I would lick em clean if given the chance- I have ran out before and didn’t have a good reason to leave the house so I was pretty good at making sure I left a few cans with a little in it to help me get through those times. I made it through the weekend and found this place on the following Monday. I know that I would not be looking at 50 days quit without this site. I also know that I would not be looking at this without the support of my wife. I quit this addiction everyday by promising you my brothers and by promising to my wife that I will not use nicotine. I have learned by reading other peoples adventures through this that I will have to continue to make this promise for the rest of my life. Sure, as time goes by I won’t have to log in and post roll or tell my wife the same thing but I will have to keep it close and know that the bitch is there waiting for me to come back.
What else have I learned along the way??
I apparently suffer some sort of social anxiety- whenever I am in a group and I have to say something personal I feel like my heart is beating a thousand times per second and my face is on fire. While it isnÂ’t new it is much more intense than what I remember.
I went fishing sometime around the 20 day mark and ran across a garter snake- I don’t like snakes but I seriously fucking freaked out when I saw it- I thought I was “having the big one” I trudged on to the hole I wanted to get to but then on my return I was filled with so much anxiety about seeing that fucking snake again. I have never felt like that and now I understand how debilitating that can be. I had to talk myself all the way back. It was mostly calling myself a pussy and things of that nature but wow what a horrible feeling.
Going places with the family is much less stressful for me. I no longer have to figure out a way to smuggle enough with me to keep a dip in my mouth at all times. Or have to worry that my stash might be found if it is an overnighter or longer. I used to think that it would be harder without that shit now I see what a lie I told myself-
