"I feel like I'm standing over a cliff, blindfolded with a bunch of strangers telling me to jump and that everything will be o.k." or something to that effect is what I wrote on the newly discovered chat board Father's Day night. The quitters in the room knew how I was feeling before I did but let me spout anyway... "It's been such a big part of my life for so long, what will I do when it's gone?" Be free and live your life, they said.
"I want to, I'm going to, as soon as I'm ready", I typed with a big fat lip and a bottle full of brown shit by the bedside. "I know you've got balls man, why not now? You're here for a reason", they reasoned, "what's stopping you from dumping the shit and getting on with it?" I didn't know. "Got kids?" Yup. "Want to be around for them for awhile?" Yup. "You're no different than anyone else here, grow a set, take the leap, own it, honor the process, sign up and post roll everyday." So I did.
6 Days in and the headaches have subsided, my mouth feels smooth and my breath is fresh. Triggers are everywhere because if I wasn't eating or sleeping I was dipping or thinking about it. When I woke up, in the car, at work, watching T.V., at the movies, after meals, early morning, early afternoon, early evening and the time right before bed are the only times I think about it now but I understand the bitch will fade. Our 25 year relationship has run its course.
Not going it alone has gotten me to this point and I suspect is what will help me the rest of today and the following days. My family and friends couldn't be happier or more proud but it's you all, the perfect strangers who pushed me over the cliff and packed the parachute that eased the fall who I owe a debt of gratitude.
I'm looking forward to paying that back some day by helping some other poor schlep take back his life and be around to watch his grandkids grow.
I will not spit in your face for saving my life, I will not spit today.