OK. Weekend recap as I think this is important to get down on something that will be there forever instead of just my brain, which has been known to be unreliable plus a total cunt at times. Friday was bad. Three weeks in and feeling great. On a worktrip 12 hours away from home...not great. This was my wheelhouse for chewing. I would binge chew every time I was out of the house for an extended period of time. But this weekend I felt solid. I made the 12 hour drive out no problem. Well I shouldn't say no problem because that Nic Bitch was on my shoulder everytime I got gas "Hey, you're golden! You got this. Just a grab a tin or two for the trip and be quit when you get home. No big deal." I fought her off. So like I said no big deal. Then I worked my ass off working nights+ ending out to 16 hours days and didn't have time to think about chew. Then Friday night came and I finally had some time off. I went to the bar to watch some some playoff baseball and drank a little more than I planned. Still not a big deal since I was walking back to the hotel anyway.
Once I got back I got the most intense urge since the quit. The fact that I was drunk and my decisions were absolutely impaired did not help. I was ready to get in my truck and go to the nearest gas station and grab some cope mint and shove it in my lip.
I didn't.
I fought with myself. I texted Brisingr way to late. Sorry about that bro. He didn't respond but just the fact that I was putting words down again that I was not going to end my quit helped me stay quit.
Again today alone with nothing else to do I went to bar to watch football, and on my walk back to the hotel I stopped at the gas station and took a leak. Then I stared at the glorious memorial to Cope Mint they had behind the counter. And I ran. Ran out the store, and didn't stop for awhile.
I know why a lot of vets say to stay away from alcohol. I never really got it because I was a ninja dipper and when I drank I normally drank with people so I never associated the drinking with dipping. The issue is not the association. It's the lowered inhibitions. You need to be extra vigilant while intoxicated or else the fucking bitch will weasel her way in and convince you to just go for one more lip.
I know I am an addict. I know that I can win against this addiction. I know that I need this site and this brotherhood to get through. I know without a doubt I would have caved at some point during this trip if not for this site and you guys. Thank you again December! I owe you my life.
