I fully admit that you are all right.
Sapper,
I started dipping in 1995 as a 20-something; a late bloomer. I was ashamed of it and hid it from everyone. I was a chef at the time and worked 90+ hours a week. If I was at work I was going a mile a second and didn't have time to think about it. As soon as I got out of work I was filling my face in solitude.
Girlfriends came and went. They never knew. I made sure my house was "dip proof" whenever I left. The can was in my bag. The spitter (12 oz aluminum can) was in the back of a drawer at my desk. I never got caught.
I met my wife (a Rn in a NICU) in 1995 but we didn't date until 2001. From that first date until today we are inseparable, and yet I still dipped as a ninja and never got caught. I wouldn't spend the night at her place very often because I needed to get home to dip. If she stayed at my place I would struggle. Once she moved in I started taking multiple showers a day just for a few minutes of dip time. I would "shit" for the longest time. Irritable bowel syndrome, Crohn's diseases, and other illnesses were mentioned. Nope, I was fine, just hiding in the shitter dipping happily. I never slowed down. I managed to find time alone to ingest 1+ cans a day.
I wanted to quit when we got engaged. That didn't happen. I wanted to quit when we got married. That didn't happen. I wanted to quit when our first daughter was born. That didn't happen. I wanted to quit when our second daughter was born. That didn't happen. I did quit when I had a cancer scare from my dentist on 10/10/2012, 493 days ago. Now, for 16 years I dipped as a ninja and damn it I was going to quit as a ninja.
The first few days were easy. I was pissed at it! Then, it started to get rough. My wife has always worked nights and weekends, so I am Mr Mom a lot. A three year old and a baby was tough. I was foggy as could be but more noticeable was the fact that I was just miserable and hating everything about myself and my life.
I had met sox2012 for lunch in the early 20s of my quit. He too was a ninja and suggested I come clean to the wife and get her support. No way! For 16 years I dipped as a ninja and damn it I was going to quit as a ninja.
A few days later, day 28 to be exact, I was pissed, angry, pushing homicidal. At dinner my older daughter looked at me and then said to my wife, "Daddy doesn't seem happy anymore. What did we do?" That was my breaking point.
That night when the girls were taking a bath I talked to my wife. She asked if I was cheating on her, if I wanted a divorce. She asked about every situation that that could make a man "unhappy" to be at home with his family. I told her I was had been using tobacco and that I had quit, and that was why I "was a little off". It was the most difficult words I have ever spoken. Did she then understand? Hell no! She was pissed! She said that I had lied to her all those years (some chick logic about lying by omission, I still donÂ’t get that). I told her about KTC. I told her about the guys. I told her about Sox2012.
The next few days were nothing special, but her hatred towards me lessened. Not once, even to this day, has she ever said "I'm proud of you for quitting. I know it's hard". She doesn't understand
this addiction. She knows that I will drop what I'm doing to meet a quitter in person if that opportunity arises. She knows that I am on KTC a lot. She knows there are a slew of contacts in my phone that all start with "KTC - ". She has grown to accept these facts. I don't know if the likes it or not. That doesn't matter, but she now knows I'm quit and that she and ours girls are getting the benefits of a happier husband and father, that doesn't lie, steal time and/or money, and one that doesn't hide from them to romance a slow death sentence.
This fight is difficult. Get all the help you can and start at home. Like quitting, it will suck in the beginning, but it will keep getting better with every +1.
