Day 19 - timing is unfortunate, i find reading the posts less and less help at exactly the time that my quit is becoming more difficult. i've decided to hide in my room...maybe that's a weird way to think about it, but it's basically what I'm doing by posting on my own thread instead of posting in my quit group where everyone will read it and potentially respond to it. guess i don't feel like having a cyber conversation. i'll sit it here by myself and say whatever the fuck i want because for some reason, i feel like that will be more help than anything else today.
i've decided that fog is a bad word for the fog. i mean i guess it's good b/c everyone knows what you're talking about, but it's more like my head is twice as heavy as it was yesterday. at the same time, everything from my neck up has taken on a life of it's own. my brain thinks whatever the fuck it wants to - random thoughts in slow motion that make no sense, but before i realize it, i'm walking in traffic. my mouth is also a creature all it's own. i have no idea what's going to come out of it, but i'm sure it will offend somebody. Even my ears have deserted me - or maybe it's the connection between my ears and my brain - it seems like that connection is a light switch that i used to control and now I don't. it flicks on randomly during the day and all the sudden i can hear what people are saying to me. but every time it clicks on, people are saying things like, "are you listening to me?", or "what do you think about that?", or "so do you think we should do that?". Always a question, though. that stupid fuckin switch always flips on when someone's asking me a question. It would be a lot fuckin easier if people would ask more yes or no questions - at least give me a fightin' chance. what the fuck.
so it's friday. thank god. i just gotta make it through the day and then i can spend two days pretending like i have no responsbilities. i'm going to see how long i can go this weekend without making a single decision about anything. my brain is clearly busted, so i think i'll stop using it. that's the beauty of NYC, i can stumble around Time Square in pajamas stained with cheese doodle powder, drooling all over myself and singing gospel tunes and nobody would even turn to look at me. maybe i'll give that a try.
i don't know what else i want to write about, but for some reason this is cathardic (i don't care if i spelled that wrong). it's like there's a whole bunch of crap in my head that's making it hard to think, so maybe if i just get some of it out...it's like stream of consciousness...i read a book once called the the sound and the fury by faulkner. hard ass book to read, but i was determined. he writes in a stream of consciousness style that's hard as fuck to follow. the book is the same story told four times from the perspective of four different characters. the first one is the retarded brother - you think my head is fucked up... anyway, at the end of the book, i didn't think i got it. it was too hard to follow, but then someone asked me what the book was about and I was almost surprised that i could tell them. it was like faulkner was able to put the story in my head without my realizing it. it was a pretty seriousness mind fuck. now something else is putting shit in my head, but it's decidedly less fun...and it's way too much shit...that's why my head is heavy...too much extra shit...shit i don't need...shit on my shoes....i gotta take a shit....what was I talking about
so i been listening to my ipod as I've been writing this - no point in actually concentrating on what i'm saying since this is just a spew of bullshit anyway (i apologize to anyone who's wasted their time reading this shit). so i just listened to a blues tune by Dr. John that could pretty easily be altered to be a song about the fog...check this out...
I saddled a cow
I milked a horse
I greeted the time clock
Punched out my boss
All because....
All because I let you go
Long ago, I let you go
Ahhh me, oh my, oh no
Long ago, I let you go
Long ago, I let you go
My head is swimming
Nearly blew my fuse
Tied knots in my spaghetti
Poured ketchup on my shoes
All because...(chorus)
I smoked my pillow
I patted my pipe
I hugged my quilt
And I kissed it goodnight
All because...(chorus)
not bad, right - that's the most coherent thought I've had all day, so at least pretend like you're impressed with it. you gotta be nice to me, or i'll kick you out of my room. fuck i need a nap.
