Time to Grow a Spine

[kneedragger]

Feels Good to Play the Blues
IÂ’m used to playing piano at least a little bit every day and I frequently play for hours at a time. But, in the past, I also frequently dipped while I was playing. Over the last two weeks, IÂ’ve stayed away from the piano because I was worried about it being a trigger for me. I didnÂ’t know how strong the association would be between playing and dipping. I was worried about not being able to concentrate; not being able to make progress as quickly as I used to. I was scared to see evidence of something that I wonÂ’t be as good at without dip. IÂ’ve practiced sporadically during my quit, but definitely not every day. I even cancelled my last lesson because I hadnÂ’t been practicing regularly and I didnÂ’t think it was worth the money. I was really starting to worry that it was going to be a long time before I could get back to enjoying playing again.

Last night, I figured I was safe to sit and play since my wife was reading in the living room. I played through a couple of easy blues tunes, sticking mostly to stuff I knew really well. I figured IÂ’d save myself the frustration of trying to work on something new that would require more concentration. But after a few minutes, I really felt like I was playing pretty well. I decided to try a boogie blues pattern I was working on right before I quit. It was up-tempo and IÂ’d been struggling with the chord changes. But for some reason, something clicked last night and I was able to really get a groove going with this boogie pattern. I even started doing a little improv over the left-hand bass line. I was so psyched to see my playing progress, I thought I was gonna break down and cry like a little bitch. Just one more step in slowing proving to myself that thereÂ’s nothing I canÂ’t do without dip.

[Greg5280]

Some good ass dip rage right there... I love it

[kneedragger]

Stay Away from Electronics
In all the reading I’ve done on this site, nobody told me the impact that my quit was going to have on electronics.  For the benefit of all you newbies, you should know that when you quit, electronics and technology cease to work for you.  The more expensive, cutting edge or exciting the technology, the more you can be assured that it will not work for you as a result of your quit.  It will be fuckin’ broke, I assure you.

But that’s not all that’s broke.  Your ability to fix your exciting new electronic device is also fuckin’ broke.  As a result of your quit, you are officially dumb as a bag of hammers and trying to fix your new gadget yourself will look a lot like washing a baby with a fire hose.

So you go back to the store to try to get help and you learn that our entire system of commerce…also fuckin’ broke.  As evidenced by the douchebag saleperson who was willing to make any claim necessary to get you to part with your hard earned money  and sell you a glitzy electronic gadget that he obviously knew was broken.  You have no recourse with this douchebag because he will take one look at your electronic gadget and ask, “Did you try to fix this yourself?”

But wait, there’s still technical support…this is your only remaining hope, but as a result of your quit, all technical support personnel around the world have been replaced by the dumbest fuckers to ever walk on hind legs.  However, they will not know that they’re dumb.  You will yell at them, scream at them, curse at them and they will very politely apologize and put you on hold for 30 minutes.  Eventually you will be disconnected when you hurl your phone against the wall.  As a result, your phone will no longer work…you will try to fix it yourself and the whole cycle will begin again…

youÂ’ve been warnedÂ…

'crackup'

Mmmmm, delicious dip rage. Drink it in.

Also:

Drivers are WAY more moronic.

Seriously? Grocery store cashiers were NEVER this fucking slow before.

Has everybody always been this smug and joyful about me being miserable? Fuckers.

On the positive side, I've acquired a new power with which I can predict how fucking stupid the next thing someone says is going to be with a 99.9% success rate. As it turns out, 99.9% of what people say to me is mind-numbingly predictable, stupid and irritating as fuckall! And I, the great Kreskin, can predict this!

Stupid world doesn't know it's stupid. Stupid!

Seriously, while I'm in a little funk right now, I have had periods where the world gets properly paced, smarter, nicer and less hell-bent on cock-blocking my happiness, believe it or not! It does get better, as they say.

Rock on quitter!

That's some funny shit man. I needed that...thanks for the post. -KD

[GlennFtheKodiak]

I hate everyone and everything. That is all.

'bang head'

Dip is for fags. Just remember that.

[teamgreen]

Stay Away from Electronics
In all the reading I’ve done on this site, nobody told me the impact that my quit was going to have on electronics.  For the benefit of all you newbies, you should know that when you quit, electronics and technology cease to work for you.  The more expensive, cutting edge or exciting the technology, the more you can be assured that it will not work for you as a result of your quit.  It will be fuckin’ broke, I assure you.

But that’s not all that’s broke.  Your ability to fix your exciting new electronic device is also fuckin’ broke.  As a result of your quit, you are officially dumb as a bag of hammers and trying to fix your new gadget yourself will look a lot like washing a baby with a fire hose.

So you go back to the store to try to get help and you learn that our entire system of commerce…also fuckin’ broke.  As evidenced by the douchebag saleperson who was willing to make any claim necessary to get you to part with your hard earned money  and sell you a glitzy electronic gadget that he obviously knew was broken.  You have no recourse with this douchebag because he will take one look at your electronic gadget and ask, “Did you try to fix this yourself?”

But wait, there’s still technical support…this is your only remaining hope, but as a result of your quit, all technical support personnel around the world have been replaced by the dumbest fuckers to ever walk on hind legs.  However, they will not know that they’re dumb.  You will yell at them, scream at them, curse at them and they will very politely apologize and put you on hold for 30 minutes.  Eventually you will be disconnected when you hurl your phone against the wall.  As a result, your phone will no longer work…you will try to fix it yourself and the whole cycle will begin again…

youÂ’ve been warnedÂ…

'crackup'

Mmmmm, delicious dip rage. Drink it in.

Also:

Drivers are WAY more moronic.

Seriously? Grocery store cashiers were NEVER this fucking slow before.

Has everybody always been this smug and joyful about me being miserable? Fuckers.

On the positive side, I've acquired a new power with which I can predict how fucking stupid the next thing someone says is going to be with a 99.9% success rate. As it turns out, 99.9% of what people say to me is mind-numbingly predictable, stupid and irritating as fuckall! And I, the great Kreskin, can predict this!

Stupid world doesn't know it's stupid. Stupid!

Seriously, while I'm in a little funk right now, I have had periods where the world gets properly paced, smarter, nicer and less hell-bent on cock-blocking my happiness, believe it or not! It does get better, as they say.

Rock on quitter!

[CaseyG]

Stay Away from Electronics
In all the reading IÂ’ve done on this site, nobody told me the impact that my quit was going to have on electronics. For the benefit of all you newbies, you should know that when you quit, electronics and technology cease to work for you. The more expensive, cutting edge or exciting the technology, the more you can be assured that it will not work for you as a result of your quit. It will be fuckinÂ’ broke, I assure you.

But thatÂ’s not all thatÂ’s broke. Your ability to fix your exciting new electronic device is also fuckinÂ’ broke. As a result of your quit, you are officially dumb as a bag of hammers and trying to fix your new gadget yourself will look a lot like washing a baby with a fire hose.

So you go back to the store to try to get help and you learn that our entire system of commerce…also fuckin’ broke. As evidenced by the douchebag saleperson who was willing to make any claim necessary to get you to part with your hard earned money and sell you a glitzy electronic gadget that he obviously knew was broken. You have no recourse with this douchebag because he will take one look at your electronic gadget and ask, “Did you try to fix this yourself?”

But wait, thereÂ’s still technical supportÂ…this is your only remaining hope, but as a result of your quit, all technical support personnel around the world have been replaced by the dumbest fuckers to ever walk on hind legs. However, they will not know that theyÂ’re dumb. You will yell at them, scream at them, curse at them and they will very politely apologize and put you on hold for 30 minutes. Eventually you will be disconnected when you hurl your phone against the wall. As a result, your phone will no longer workÂ…you will try to fix it yourself and the whole cycle will begin againÂ…

youÂ’ve been warnedÂ…

Dip Rage ain't she a bitch. Hang in there.

[kneedragger]

Stay Away from Electronics
In all the reading IÂ’ve done on this site, nobody told me the impact that my quit was going to have on electronics. For the benefit of all you newbies, you should know that when you quit, electronics and technology cease to work for you. The more expensive, cutting edge or exciting the technology, the more you can be assured that it will not work for you as a result of your quit. It will be fuckinÂ’ broke, I assure you.

But thatÂ’s not all thatÂ’s broke. Your ability to fix your exciting new electronic device is also fuckinÂ’ broke. As a result of your quit, you are officially dumb as a bag of hammers and trying to fix your new gadget yourself will look a lot like washing a baby with a fire hose.

So you go back to the store to try to get help and you learn that our entire system of commerce…also fuckin’ broke. As evidenced by the douchebag saleperson who was willing to make any claim necessary to get you to part with your hard earned money and sell you a glitzy electronic gadget that he obviously knew was broken. You have no recourse with this douchebag because he will take one look at your electronic gadget and ask, “Did you try to fix this yourself?”

But wait, thereÂ’s still technical supportÂ…this is your only remaining hope, but as a result of your quit, all technical support personnel around the world have been replaced by the dumbest fuckers to ever walk on hind legs. However, they will not know that theyÂ’re dumb. You will yell at them, scream at them, curse at them and they will very politely apologize and put you on hold for 30 minutes. Eventually you will be disconnected when you hurl your phone against the wall. As a result, your phone will no longer workÂ…you will try to fix it yourself and the whole cycle will begin againÂ…

youÂ’ve been warned

[Volp]

I hate everyone and everything. That is all.

Hang in there brother, it gets better. I can't say when but it does. You'll go through a couple a periods of raging and hating the world for a while. It's normal for what you're doing to your body. Also, there's a beautiful spot, right here on KTC, for all your bitching and raging needs. Get Your Bitch On was created for just this feeling. You got dip rage and would rather not put your fist through a co-workers skull? Go out and call him a mother fucker out there. Someone cut you off in traffic with texting her BFF? Let it all out on GYBO. Not only is good for you to vent there instead of at home or the office but we love reading a good rage. It helps remind us of our own struggles we went through in the early days and you'll get good feedback for many.
Stay strong my man. You can do this.

[kneedragger]

I hate everyone and everything. That is all.

[mustangs21089]

GET OUT OF MY HEAD YOU GAP-TOOTHED, STANK-ASS, HAIRY FUCKIN' WHORE!!!!

haha i feel the same way!!!

[kneedragger]

A fork in the Road
I had a bit of a breakthrough this weekend as I was fighting a monster craving.  I thought this story might be helpful to others who are trying to develop strategies for staying nic free early in their quits.

Sunday afternoon, I was on the subway heading to my stop on West 72nd St.  I was having a serious craving and I knew that there was a tobacco shop at the 72nd St. subway station.  I started to feel very anxious about caving and I was really freaking out.  I thought about staying on the subway to avoid walking past the shop, but then I’d have to walk home from 79th street.  I knew of at least three places to buy dip between 79th and my apartment on 70th.  I was starting to feel trapped and I was fumbling through my wallet looking for my phone numbers. 

But somehow in the midst of all this, I had a moment of clarity.  I realized that there was no way to cave at that moment.  I was on a subway car, beneath the ground with no dip and no way to get dip.  I was safe.  I realized that I wasn’t in the middle of a fight, but I was approaching one.  I had time to think about how to handle the real fight when the time came.

Realizing I was safe helped me calm down and take a few deep breaths.  Then I heard the words of my KTC brothers in my ears.  “Embrace the suck”.  The weird thing was I couldn’t really find “the suck”.  I tried to identify where in my body I physically felt the need to dip.  Was there some pain that I knew could only be alleviated with nicotine…absolutely not.  Was it like hunger…not necessarily pain, but some physical manifestation of my need for nicotine…nope.  I couldn’t find anything.  There was literally nothing happening in my body that signified any need for anything.  In fact, I felt pretty fuckin’ good.  That’s when I realized the source of my anxiety was clearly between my ears.  That really fuckin’ pissed me off.

When the subway reached 72nd street, I braced myself for the fight ahead.  But this time, the fight would be a single moment in time.  A single decision.  I could turn right out of the subway station and walk into the tobacco store, or I could turn left and head straight to my apartment.  But it would be a single moment.  I would not let my mind turn the fight into more than it was.  I would boil it down to a single decision and then I would make the right decision for all the reasons I had decided to quit in the first place.  As I walked up the stairs I listed all the reasons in my head.  I’m done being a slave to the nic bitch, I want to grow old with my wife and family, I’m tired of lying to the people I love, etc…

By the time I got to the top of the stairs, the battle was short and decisive.  I didn’t hesitate, slow down or even look to the right.  I walked out of the subway and felt the sun on my face.  I put on my shades, smiled to myself and walked straight home.

Yo that's the fucked up thing about this place. You would have caved no doubt if not those KTC voices swirling around your head. It is weird how it works like that, but it does, and that's why it is so vital to remain on here and stay involved. Way to fight that crave.

Nice to have another New Yorker on here (although I am from Jersey). I know exactly what store you were talking about - my Pops actually lives over there somewhere and I have been on that Subway and stop 10 zillion times. You won't be able to avoid every store, shit there's one every half block, but as long as you have that support group in your head you will do fine and the craves will lessen.

Ah shit, Glen. Can't believe someone else on this site knows that store...it's such a shithole. I'm actually embarrassed that I used to put anything in my mouth that came from that store. Oh well. Guess there's no secrets in the fox hole. We're in this fight together, so all my KTC brothers might as well know about the kinds of shitholes I would frequent to get my fix. Most of those guys recognized me and had a tin of mint waiting for me when I came through the door. I used to think that was cool...fuckin' pushers...

[sensei]

A fork in the Road
I had a bit of a breakthrough this weekend as I was fighting a monster craving.  I thought this story might be helpful to others who are trying to develop strategies for staying nic free early in their quits.

Sunday afternoon, I was on the subway heading to my stop on West 72nd St.  I was having a serious craving and I knew that there was a tobacco shop at the 72nd St. subway station.  I started to feel very anxious about caving and I was really freaking out.  I thought about staying on the subway to avoid walking past the shop, but then I’d have to walk home from 79th street.  I knew of at least three places to buy dip between 79th and my apartment on 70th.  I was starting to feel trapped and I was fumbling through my wallet looking for my phone numbers. 

But somehow in the midst of all this, I had a moment of clarity.  I realized that there was no way to cave at that moment.  I was on a subway car, beneath the ground with no dip and no way to get dip.  I was safe.  I realized that I wasn’t in the middle of a fight, but I was approaching one.  I had time to think about how to handle the real fight when the time came.

Realizing I was safe helped me calm down and take a few deep breaths.  Then I heard the words of my KTC brothers in my ears.  “Embrace the suck”.  The weird thing was I couldn’t really find “the suck”.  I tried to identify where in my body I physically felt the need to dip.  Was there some pain that I knew could only be alleviated with nicotine…absolutely not.  Was it like hunger…not necessarily pain, but some physical manifestation of my need for nicotine…nope.  I couldn’t find anything.  There was literally nothing happening in my body that signified any need for anything.  In fact, I felt pretty fuckin’ good.  That’s when I realized the source of my anxiety was clearly between my ears.  That really fuckin’ pissed me off.

When the subway reached 72nd street, I braced myself for the fight ahead.  But this time, the fight would be a single moment in time.  A single decision.  I could turn right out of the subway station and walk into the tobacco store, or I could turn left and head straight to my apartment.  But it would be a single moment.  I would not let my mind turn the fight into more than it was.  I would boil it down to a single decision and then I would make the right decision for all the reasons I had decided to quit in the first place.  As I walked up the stairs I listed all the reasons in my head.  I’m done being a slave to the nic bitch, I want to grow old with my wife and family, I’m tired of lying to the people I love, etc…

By the time I got to the top of the stairs, the battle was short and decisive.  I didn’t hesitate, slow down or even look to the right.  I walked out of the subway and felt the sun on my face.  I put on my shades, smiled to myself and walked straight home.

Yo that's the fucked up thing about this place. You would have caved no doubt if not those KTC voices swirling around your head. It is weird how it works like that, but it does, and that's why it is so vital to remain on here and stay involved. Way to fight that crave.

Nice to have another New Yorker on here (although I am from Jersey). I know exactly what store you were talking about - my Pops actually lives over there somewhere and I have been on that Subway and stop 10 zillion times. You won't be able to avoid every store, shit there's one every half block, but as long as you have that support group in your head you will do fine and the craves will lessen.

Great job! Life is really a series of decisions. It's amazing what you will learn about yourself when you quit nicotine and start paying attention.

'clap'

[GlennFtheKodiak]

A fork in the Road
I had a bit of a breakthrough this weekend as I was fighting a monster craving. I thought this story might be helpful to others who are trying to develop strategies for staying nic free early in their quits.

Sunday afternoon, I was on the subway heading to my stop on West 72nd St. I was having a serious craving and I knew that there was a tobacco shop at the 72nd St. subway station. I started to feel very anxious about caving and I was really freaking out. I thought about staying on the subway to avoid walking past the shop, but then IÂ’d have to walk home from 79th street. I knew of at least three places to buy dip between 79th and my apartment on 70th. I was starting to feel trapped and I was fumbling through my wallet looking for my phone numbers.

But somehow in the midst of all this, I had a moment of clarity. I realized that there was no way to cave at that moment. I was on a subway car, beneath the ground with no dip and no way to get dip. I was safe. I realized that I wasnÂ’t in the middle of a fight, but I was approaching one. I had time to think about how to handle the real fight when the time came.

Realizing I was safe helped me calm down and take a few deep breaths. Then I heard the words of my KTC brothers in my ears. “Embrace the suck”. The weird thing was I couldn’t really find “the suck”. I tried to identify where in my body I physically felt the need to dip. Was there some pain that I knew could only be alleviated with nicotine…absolutely not. Was it like hunger…not necessarily pain, but some physical manifestation of my need for nicotine…nope. I couldn’t find anything. There was literally nothing happening in my body that signified any need for anything. In fact, I felt pretty fuckin’ good. That’s when I realized the source of my anxiety was clearly between my ears. That really fuckin’ pissed me off.

When the subway reached 72nd street, I braced myself for the fight ahead. But this time, the fight would be a single moment in time. A single decision. I could turn right out of the subway station and walk into the tobacco store, or I could turn left and head straight to my apartment. But it would be a single moment. I would not let my mind turn the fight into more than it was. I would boil it down to a single decision and then I would make the right decision for all the reasons I had decided to quit in the first place. As I walked up the stairs I listed all the reasons in my head. IÂ’m done being a slave to the nic bitch, I want to grow old with my wife and family, IÂ’m tired of lying to the people I love, etcÂ…

By the time I got to the top of the stairs, the battle was short and decisive. I didnÂ’t hesitate, slow down or even look to the right. I walked out of the subway and felt the sun on my face. I put on my shades, smiled to myself and walked straight home.

Yo that's the fucked up thing about this place. You would have caved no doubt if not those KTC voices swirling around your head. It is weird how it works like that, but it does, and that's why it is so vital to remain on here and stay involved. Way to fight that crave.

Nice to have another New Yorker on here (although I am from Jersey). I know exactly what store you were talking about - my Pops actually lives over there somewhere and I have been on that Subway and stop 10 zillion times. You won't be able to avoid every store, shit there's one every half block, but as long as you have that support group in your head you will do fine and the craves will lessen.

[kneedragger]

A fork in the Road
I had a bit of a breakthrough this weekend as I was fighting a monster craving. I thought this story might be helpful to others who are trying to develop strategies for staying nic free early in their quits.

Sunday afternoon, I was on the subway heading to my stop on West 72nd St. I was having a serious craving and I knew that there was a tobacco shop at the 72nd St. subway station. I started to feel very anxious about caving and I was really freaking out. I thought about staying on the subway to avoid walking past the shop, but then IÂ’d have to walk home from 79th street. I knew of at least three places to buy dip between 79th and my apartment on 70th. I was starting to feel trapped and I was fumbling through my wallet looking for my phone numbers.

But somehow in the midst of all this, I had a moment of clarity. I realized that there was no way to cave at that moment. I was on a subway car, beneath the ground with no dip and no way to get dip. I was safe. I realized that I wasnÂ’t in the middle of a fight, but I was approaching one. I had time to think about how to handle the real fight when the time came.

Realizing I was safe helped me calm down and take a few deep breaths. Then I heard the words of my KTC brothers in my ears. “Embrace the suck”. The weird thing was I couldn’t really find “the suck”. I tried to identify where in my body I physically felt the need to dip. Was there some pain that I knew could only be alleviated with nicotine…absolutely not. Was it like hunger…not necessarily pain, but some physical manifestation of my need for nicotine…nope. I couldn’t find anything. There was literally nothing happening in my body that signified any need for anything. In fact, I felt pretty fuckin’ good. That’s when I realized the source of my anxiety was clearly between my ears. That really fuckin’ pissed me off.

When the subway reached 72nd street, I braced myself for the fight ahead. But this time, the fight would be a single moment in time. A single decision. I could turn right out of the subway station and walk into the tobacco store, or I could turn left and head straight to my apartment. But it would be a single moment. I would not let my mind turn the fight into more than it was. I would boil it down to a single decision and then I would make the right decision for all the reasons I had decided to quit in the first place. As I walked up the stairs I listed all the reasons in my head. IÂ’m done being a slave to the nic bitch, I want to grow old with my wife and family, IÂ’m tired of lying to the people I love, etcÂ…

By the time I got to the top of the stairs, the battle was short and decisive. I didnÂ’t hesitate, slow down or even look to the right. I walked out of the subway and felt the sun on my face. I put on my shades, smiled to myself and walked straight home.

[kneedragger]

I doubt I've got this figured out enough for it to qualify as wisdom. But I want to document my triggers and my plans for dealing with them. Thought I'd post it in case it helps others identify and plan for serious cravings. If you have other ideas for dealing with these, please reply and let me know

Triggers:
Driving – Fucking huge trigger. Constantly passing gas stations. Requires more willpower than I possess
Plan – I live in the city so I don’t have to drive every day. Try to limit driving to those occasions when there will be someone else in the car with me. Cancel plans that require long drives for at least a couple of weeks. Keep my dip alternatives with me if I have to drive – sunflower seeds, hooch, lots of bottled water.

Piano – Late night practice sessions on the piano
Plan – I’ve trained myself to believe I can’t concentrate on working through a tough lesson or working out a new riff unless I have dip as my concentration crutch. I have to train myself to see that’s not true, but I have to do it in small steps. I should practice for short periods of time, but avoid practicing when I’m alone in the house. Having my wife around will also help keep me honest. Avoid practicing late at night when my wife is asleep.

Racetrack – Too many other riders use tobacco so it’s constantly in my face
Plan – Cancelled my track day scheduled for this Saturday. Not feeling the willpower yet. In the future, I think this might be a good place to use Hooch as a crutch, but like piano, I have to slowly learn to enjoy this without the nic bitch.

Movies – at home or in the theatre
Plan – I can give up movies for a while. This is actually an easy one.

Stressful Situations at Work – I’ve learned that I have no mechanism for dealing with stress. My stress level has been high lately, causing severe back pain, canker sores and loss of sleep. Given my situation at work, I don’t expect relief from these high stress levels in the foreseeable future.
Plan – I need to get back in the gym but can’t do that until I cope with my back pain. Continue with physical therapy, and run to the extent possible. Contact doctor about other resources for stress management and relief.