So, I found this site and quit for the final time all on Monday afternoon. Oh yes, I've "quit" before. You could suppose I'm sort of a sadistic MF, as for the last year or so I have been so ashamed of my disease called addiction that I "quit" every Friday afternoon to be nic free with my wife and daughter. After reading most of the posts here the last 2 days, I'm sure you guys understand how that went. Nic free Fri. afternoon to Monday morning at the closest gas station? The words bat shit crazy bastard come to mind....I think those came from my wife. And she should know, she's put up with the dip bombs in the sink, hidden cans, sneaking down to the basement, and all of the other stupid shit for 18 years of marriage. She doesn't believe in quit anymore. Honestly, I never made it to Monday morning. I would usually be a freaking train wreck by saturday night and get out of bed to sneak a dip in the basement. And so on...
I am here, and I have posted roll my first 3 days not because I make yet another promise to quit to anyone. I have Quit. past tense. I think most of you can relate to the self loathing and guilt we twist in as we put yet another pinch in, even as the more intelligent part of our mind screams in denial. The intelligent part never wins. I know the only reason I can say I have Quit is because I have spent the entire time since I quit with this site minimized in the background, and it gets pulled up every time I want to go buy a can of Kodiak. Yes, basically just read this for the last two days straight. I have known for a long time what addiction has done to me. I don't like who I've become. I don't like being anyone's whore. And yes, I can feel it in my bones, those brothers around me actually do know what the hell they are talking about. Wives and children may hear you, but only the addict truly understands.
So, at the risk of going on in a gibbering fog trying to say things others have already said before with far more repose, I quit. And this is my third day. And I think Chewie must be laughing at me , because I am so pissed off. Dip rage is real, and I so bad want to break my fucking keyboard on the face of the guy dipping down the hall. I want to chase down that squirrel in the parking lot and kill it. The whole world is stupid, and everyone is just a bunch of faggots. Then I start laughing at myself, just as surely as some of you chuckle at me now.
That whackjob nic whore is almost 3 full days behind me. Tomorrow it will be 4. And when I hear her siren call in the future, you may rest assured I will have my best smile on as I turn and walk on. This isn't about hoping or wanting, trying or participating for me. I can't stand that shit. This is about what you do. It's not about talking about how you feel. Be accountable and take action. Participation trophies don't interest me.
So with all that being said, I quit. I will reaffirm that tomorrow, and the next day, and the next. And keeping in mind if feels like a horse just kicked me in the face and I feel a little bit crazy, I do want make sure you guys will break it off in my arse if you should not see my name. I've quit before by myself. It didn't work.
And lastly, I am scared to death to go home before the wife and kid are in bed. I might hate the world right now, but also know myself well enough to know I will lash out at them. They deserve better.
