11/20/14 - Day 494
Heavy Hearted Holiday
This is the first year that I am forced to make a choice that is very painful and difficult to do. Some of you know that upon my father's passing I learned that I have another brother and a sister that I did not know existed. If you could imagine living 36 years of your life believing that you have June and Ward Cleaver as parents and they did everything perfect; 2.5 kids (1/2 sister), white picket fences, community outreach, school board members, everything. All of that shattered simply by reading a couple of unknown names on a will/trust statement. Then finally learning and the overwhelming feelings of being lied to for your entire life, followed by the anger of wanting a brother my whole life only to learn I had one; all while grieving the loss of my father and my grandfather; two men whom though not perfect meant the world to me. These two men, taught me damn near everything I know. Dad sucked with money by grandpa was damn good with it. Grandpa sucked at physical labor, but dad was always ready and willing to work. The ethics, morals and beliefs that I got came from them. Now all of that was in question...
I faced all of these life hurdles while quitting tobacco. Sure I could have been like any other caver and decided I had to have it. But I quit for me not them. I also decided that my prefect crumbling life was worth my being clean, as I had to have something to hang my hat on in this time. I love my wife and kids to death and without them I would have probably done something very brass and stupid during this tumultuous time. Life totally sucked for me, yet at the same time I was in the midst of starting a new job and have grown into quite a professional as well. I dove "all in" to work as I did my quit and it has worked out great (except for all the travel). My career has never been better, money being made, more work coming in and I am really picking up steam.
Yet in all of this one of my sisters whom I can't say I was really close to like a friend but our kids are close in age and attend the same school, she decided to take it upon herself to become the executor of my dad's estate. Though we would sit and discuss how things would go she did the opposite. She nor her husband are well informed when it comes to Mechanical or Construction things and yet she was cycling and selling off my dad's possessions. My mother laid dormant watching all this unfold almost as though my sister had her scared of speaking up or as though she wanted reminders of my dad gone from her sight. Sold the house, bought a new one that I recommended they avoid because it needed a new roof, updated plumbing, had foundation cracks, etc.; as I asked who pays for the repairs for the time being. I watch as dad's tools and relics disappear for pennies on the dollar. I finally took a stand in front of all as I calmly asked why things were changing from what was discussed (keep in mind I asked this in front of my mother, my grandmother, my sister, my brother-in-law and my wife. It was met with sarcastic and demeaning response with which a heated exchange of words that ended in my punching my hand through a metal filing cabinet in a fit of rage. I have since regretted this action but what is done is done. Since that fateful day everyone has been scared to talk to me and has dubbed me a psycho. I have made a mends with my wife and my mother, but my sister has said and done things that have hurt my wife and I beyond all of that. My wife is a fixer and she wants to get in the middle and make things better; yet my sister has ignored her numerous attempts. No other conversations have happened and quite frankly I am at peace with that.
However, yesterday I received an e-mail from this sister inviting my family over for Thanksgiving, including her in-laws as well. Bear in mind that since the cabinet incident I did attend the birthday of my nephew and a couple of other events. I have chosen that this year we will not be attending her holiday feast. I can't bear through another event of no one discussing the white elephant in the room. Yet now I get to discuss with my kids why we will not be participating with them. In lieu of that I am arranging another holiday feast in which I am inviting my mother and grandmother to. All of this has been widely discussed with my wife who again wants to fix, but her stubborn husband is not ready to just give in without a voice or a discussion with someone who clearly only sees her side as right.
Since my father's passing I was the one who went to my mom to help complete her honey-do list that dad left; then they sold the house. I get it she wanted a new start but with a new house and getting rid of all my dad's Navy stuff, fireman stuff, cars, tools, everything; it is completely void of my father's memory. At the funeral home I saw these neat little necklace charms where they would take my father's thumbprint and place it on silver. I order one for my mother and all of my father's children, when they arrived my sister somehow received the information and I did not. She picked them up, delivered one to my mom on what would have been their anniversary and then mailed me mine. All of the rage and anger that was in me the day of the cabinet incident roared right back. I have since simmered down and never did anything but internalize that angst.
I am not asking for advice here but rather am using this opportunity to write it all down in the hope that any negative energy about all of this will go away. I pray daily for things to change but most of all I pray for patience with my wife so this doesn't become a wedge between my wife and I. All of this family drama bullshit, travel from home and on top of that general life stress is a lot to bear but I am seizing this day as all others and keeping my head held high. Just sucks that I can write all this shit down and re-read an old Jerry Springer story line.
Fuck man I had the perfect life. I remain here and present and will do that continuously. Though I haven't opened up about all of this before it feels good to do it now and to share it with my extended family of brothers and sisters here. All of you from KTC are saviors for me and without you I would just have one more problem to deal with.
No tears today, no fears today just opening the book a little more.
P
