DAY 239
Starting to remember some semblance
Well I am not only getting closer to that quarter comma, but am also getting closer to turning another year older (Saturday March 2nd). But this time, it will be the first birthday in 23 years since I turned 18 years old, that I will do so without nicotine in my system. I do say that it really seems surreal as I continue to thank this site and the friends and family that I have met here for this success.
And I do say that things are much better, and as everyone asks the one question as to “when will I return to normal’, well after close to 240 days (officially 239) I have to say that I am starting to see it in myself for the first time after so long.
Let me explain.
If we all remember that long ago, when we had to apply for college, the application had that one essay we had to write as to why we would be good for the college and/or who we were. Well I was never one who could speak of myself, and still have trouble doing so, so for this I had an uncanny ability where I stepped ‘outside’ of myself and wrote it in 3rd person format. And when I turned it in to my guidance counselor and English teachers to review, they could not believe I had written it from that point of view. This style also showed as I remember before sporting events and other times back than where I could step back and see myself as I was, sort of an onlooker.
Well for the past 20 years, I cannot recall a single time where I had been able to continue with this ability. It wasnÂ’t until about 2-3 weeks ago, and maybe it was a crave or something, and it almost scared me, but I felt myself step back and this time I was seeing what I can just say was a vision of a memory where I was sitting on the couch at home, late at night with the kids and wife asleep and me spitting into a can. I remember standing there just shaking my head, almost pitying myself.
When I shook myself out of this vision, I grabbed a piece of wintergreen gum, and felt a smile come to my face. I am beating a necessary evil that was a part of my life. I have taken control and know that this is still early and that I have a long way to go, but for the first time I really feel that I am getting back to who I am deep inside.
I wanted to pen this down as a reminder to myself that 240 days does not equal the 23 years, so new guys if you have read this, I urge you, give it time and use the tools that this site offers as it is not only a life saver but a life returner, and although we are all still and will be still addicts, we will at some point get back to who we were before.
Thanks for listening and for this week this is probably only the first as inspiration and reflection comes from turning another year older.
