When I was raised in New Jersey, I wouldn't have even thought of being a tobacco user (future addict). I looked upon smokers with disgust and didn't really know anything about dip.
Sophomore year at Virginia Tech, my roommate used Grizzly Wintergreen. He was a closet dipper, would never use in public (something I've also come close to) If in public, not around people who knew me. I remember not liking it at all the first time but by the end of college, I would often smoke for a quick buzz and would dip to concentrate during studying. Maybe more often than that as I remember a friend letting me know that I would never be able to quit dip.
After college and living alone, I would dip while reading. Numerous times during a stint working in Dover DE, I would quit dip by smoking the occasional cigarette.
I have never really admitted to being a nicotine addict. My wonderful wife has dealt with me hiding my tobacco use. I've tried to quit so may times and have successfully vacationed from nicotine for one long period (around 2 years) and multiple short periods (4-8 months). Since I was this college student at 19, I've probably only used tobacco 50% of the time - hardly ever on weekends, mostly to and from work. The problem is that I'm now 40.5 and have failed at quitting twice recently when I thought I was fully committed. Once was last fall (2012) - I used a family vacation to Disneyland as a great launch to quit (lasted 3-4 months) and when I turned 40 this summer (lasted 3-4 months). I also tried to quit this past fall with the help of nicotine gum.
I previously read articles on KillTheCan including Jenny Tom's story and identified with so many of the struggles and confessions of fellow dippers quitters. I put up the nasty cancer pictures up for my home page - would quickly click away if I was using.
The time has come for me to quit because of the gigantic guilt and emotional struggles it causes. Plus I have to do bloodwork for medical insurance again - if nicotine shows, then I have to pay more. When I see fellow dippers and smokers on my construction jobsites, I look at them with a large amount of disgust while at the same time knowing that I'll quickly put a large wad in my mouth for the commute home.
Being a closet dipper, I always try to hide it from my wife. So chewing gum to help stop dip work some but I often chewed gum to hide the nasty stink. Also made sure that I had a toothbrush, paste, and water available before I arrived home. I had hiding places in my trucks for the nasty Grizzly to hide - would have to change them after I would tearfully admit to my wife that I was using again. One of the worst parts about dipping was that I would look forward to my Monday morning commute so I could dip again.
My phone won't let me copy all so posting roll has been difficult on the weekend. Should be better on work days on my laptop or maybe I'll finally use this tablet more.
I so much wanted to say to my 3 boys who are 10,9,7 that I quit before I turned 40. NOW I CAN SAY I QUIT WHEN 40 ON Jan 30th, 2014.
I am trying to do this without gaining weight and getting in shape for a ski trip I've got planned with my wife for the first week of March.
I'm really impressed with some of my fellow quitters in the May group - I have a tough time functioning, let alone posting solid statements and encouragements at roll call.
Written at the end of Day 4 - now I can leave for the Super Bowl party - I have so many bad (and good) memories of dip. I can't stand breaking my promises to my wife and myself. I WANT TO BELIEVE IN MYSELF AGAIN!!!
