This post contains my musings about the last couple days and how very well KTC handles the mud life throws at quitters.
Holidays are relaxing, right? Not this one. No fewer than 4 mini-geddons since Saturday, and the confluence of all the stress and doing the most urgent things basically overwhelmed me. Yeah, I'm still quit. No contrary to common addict-belief, Nic wouldn't have helped at all - in fact, I would still be wound tight if the NB was still here. It is really sad that it took me this long to quit. I am thinking so much clearer and faster it amazes me. I have a lot more time than I did as a user. Heck, I've been telling myself that I could have been one of those top-of-the-class peeps had I quit earlier...it sounds good in my head anyway.
From personal reflection, I tend to be fairly straightforward guy, tending more toward painfully short bluntness and away from filtered thoughts as my stress/fatigue increase. It's something I'm working on, but it still a problem. I also tend to be an outlet for people to offload stress - normally isn't a problem, I just go about my business and never notice. Keep that in mind as you read the background; Que sob story. Apparently moving is one of the top 3 most stressful things in life, and from my friends say, conducting home repairs/fixeruper/plumbing leaks are pretty bad too. Having a severely stressed spouse, problems at work - all these are on the top stressor list too. My Fiancee moved from big city to my little city. We're poor by american standards, but found a pretty solid little house for 300 a month. Well, at 300 a month I know that there's some stuff that we will need to handle - washer-dryer hookups, some fit-n-finish stuff, maybe change some lights, etc - nothing huge, absolutely nothign gave me pause. Granted, I grew up a tractor riding, blue collar tobacco using (idiot) farm boy who can fix a lot of stuff, so "no big deal, I'll get it fixed eventually" clashed with her more refined expectations. She's not from my background, to say the least. She would be stressed about the house not being clean and everything working like Southern Homes and Gardens thinks it should. (think fancy city girl marries country boy and you pretty much have the picture). Plus she is studying for the bar - I cannot think of any more stressful thing to do. You could not pay me enough to go through that again. Her family comes down and find problems that literally did not exist before they showed up. (If I EVER find murphy...). Naturally her parents have some misgivings (her bro is with me though - house is legit) and all that impress-the-inlaws stress builds. They leave, but now she's having major issues with the house and minor stress attacks because she's worrying herself to death over it (it really is a good house), the bar, money worries, being in a small town and only knowing my family, moving stress, all that jazz. I'm dealing with personnel and politic issues at the VFD, and preparing for a really busy trial term. And then funk hits.
I used to be a "really sweet guy" back in highschool. After some experiences rocked how I perceived my world, Innocent Bombero changed a lot, especially after becoming an addict, starting drinking, and all but leaving church for a long time. I changed; instead of being patient, now my fuse gets short and I can be quite the jerk. I was there last August after I finished the bar. Went to visit fiancee (then gf) the day after (bad mistake) up in DC - she had a sweet summer job and had almost a week left there, so instant vaca. Planned it all summer, but I got there and acted basically the opposite of how she envisioned it all summer. She HATES tobacco and can smell it from across the room, so I'd stopped using when I got off the plane, brushed my teeth, and continued along my way. By the time the 3 day trip was over I was in full-blown angry addict mode, and by the end of the week I had badly hurt her feelings. Took a long time to get past that. There is a lot of stuff like that that I'm pretty ashamed of, but that ultimately brought me back around.
I'm back in church, have almost given up drinking all together, we are making big progress in our relationship, and I'm quit.As we all know, nicotine changes you. As an addict I followed the typical pattern, but I hung out with some asshole addicts, and picked up a lot of their other bad habits. I ran away from the church, paid only lip service to God, and pretty much lived my life like everybody else. About a year ago I started coming around. Started sporadically going to church with some new friends, being more responsible, cleaning up my act, and failing to kick the NB. I found this site in February and lurked until April. I got mad one night that I was being controlled by some insidious thing, and I rage quit. I got through the first week of quit by avoiding everybody I could, or at least minimizing time around people. that's the introvert I guess. Made it through, hit a couple little bumps and skirmished wit hthe fog until almost 20 days. Hit an amazing clear patch, and I thought I'd broken through. Nope - NB only retreated to counter attack.
Boom, day 29. NB unleashed the archers. sent in the infantry on 30. By 32 the heavy knights routed my amazing quit back into the castle of WTF IS GOING ON... and then came the siege guns and battering rams. (Sorry. I was liberal arts and hung out with the history guys. At least it'd make a cool movie battle scene). By 35 I was beginning to crack. Nothing was going right - concentration was shot, I was a being a dick again, everything was gettign fouled up. Last night was bad - basically we were both at our breaking points and it spiraled from there. That is when I posted this:
Bombero -35- fighting the funk, trying to hold personal life together. FUCK NICOTINE AND ALL THE SHIT SHE DUMPED ON ME
Over the next 24ish hours, Aug14 and several other quitters PM, texted, and Rollcalled (yup. New word) me, even some who I haven't had much interaction with so far. I've plugged in, but I tried not to bother people with my problems until it is at the do-or-die stage, opting instead to keep the quit raucous and upbeat. I am the quitter who is far more likely to call and say something like "I can't make it through the next 5 minutes and I need backup now" than most other scenarios. Not to say that I don't take my quit seriously - it's dead serious - I'm just stubborn and fiercely independent like that I guess. So while it doesn't seem like much, those minor actions helped me make it through last night and today. I've added some more numbers to my list, yet another layer of accountability. My goal is that if I ever caved, that every last person on this site would hunt me down and rain fiery anger on my head. I know that the more accountability I have, the easier my quit will be, and hopefully the easier I can make somebody else's quit.
This novella written for you tonight so that you know 1. Last couple days were too much for me 2. the KTC system got me through it, 3. AUG14 and the "old guys" who encouraged me are awesome, and 4. way more than you ever wanted to know about me.
Stay Quit.
'tanks' NICOTINE 'biggun'
