Wow, Greg! Congrats, suga! You sure deserve it. Always be proud of yourself; not just with your accomplishments but with your help also in the accomplishments of others, like myself. -xo
Thanks to all of you for inspiring me. -xo
Some of this was part of my first post, I rewrote it into an article for a writing website. I hope you enjoy it!
You Never Know
In order to see into the future one must learn from their past, right? Believe me, I'm no saint so I must have learned alot, eh? Umm, well .. as for addiction I never quite learned from my mistakes. I started dipping smokeless tobacco probably as many do, a friend was doing it to rebel. So why not join in? I went along for the ride. You never know what you're missing until you try, right? It wasn't long after that, when I turned sixteen, I started doing it more. I did it the only private spot a teenager had, umm, the bathroom. My head would say, (yes, my head talks to me) "Shh, no one really has to know, right? Honestly, I'm not hurting anyone like those who smoke and fill the air with disgusting toxins. I can quit whenever I want." My favorite hangout was the bathroom now. Until the warden, my mother started to investigate the fascination I had with the toilet.
(Knock Knock)
"What's going on in there? Are you alright?" my mother would say.
"Umm, er .. well yeah! I'm just using the bathroom - geesh, MOM!" I would declare back.
Soon my mother questioned me more and more. Hmm, I'll fool her. I started dipping in the shower. She is not going to wonder why I'm taking a shower, I thought to myself. Yet after a few months, I was again being grilled by her.
"WHAT? Are you writing a freakin' book about me?" I retorted.
Finally, she stopped asking questions. I assume because I never gave any answers.
As the years came and went, my addiction started to settled in. I would never truly understand how Copenhagen would effect my life, my marriage and my children. Oh yes, marriage! I forgot to mention that, huh?
My high school sweetheart and I got married in our early twenties. Not long after, I was finding it harder and harder to keep my secret .. well a secret. I would always excuse myself to be alone, constantly brushing my teeth so I wouldn't be found out and running around like a crazed person to find a can of snuff if several convenience stores were out. Then came the dreadful day. Ohhh, I remember it so clearly. There was alot of yelling, disbelief and unfortunately mistrust because, you see, I was a woman with an addiction and my husband had just found my spit cup.
"YOU do WHAT? .. NO, tell me who has been in my house! I mean it, C'mon", my husband yelled. I sat there with the eyes of a scared little puppy dog who had just been scolded for soiling the carpet. "I know there was a guy in here. Haven't we always been honest to one another? Why won't you tell me the truth?", he pleaded with me. While he was ranting, the only thing I could do was stare at the floor. Oh, how do I explain any of this? I inhaled deeply and slowly the words crept through my quivering lips. "But honey, the truth is I really dip Copenhagen and have since I was sixteen or so." I looked up into his eyes. I could see the anger. I felt the tension. That day I actually had to take a dip in front of my husband, the person I love, just so he would believe me. I've never seen a look on anyones face as the day he watch me pack Copenhagen into my bottom lip. I saw how his jaw clinch. My heart felt like I betrayed the only person who ever loved me. He said, "You're beautiful and no woman does that. It's absolutely disgusting! I want you to quit now!" I shot back with, "Excuse me? But I would LOVE you NO matter what YOU did so why CAN'T you love me for the WAY I am?" My final words were, "I can quit whenever I want to." The damage was done. I was an addict and he was about to become my torture.
My addiction has gotten me into many fights with my husband. I do have to say I tried to be respectful. I didn't push it into his face and do it around him. I always brushed my teeth afterwards. He just hated it so and maybe a part of him hated me too for being so weak. As time slipped through the cracks so did my self worth. Finally, I just didn't care if I was hurting him or not. This was my life and I need it more than anything else. Looking back, I see how selfish I was. During that point in my life I was determined though to dip any minute I possibly could. So I began to do it around him. Yes, he hated it, but lived with it.
There were times he would threaten me. "I am GOING to TELL your MOTHER! She'll tell you how DISGUSTING it is!", screaming at the top of his lungs. Ultimately, I got tired of hearing this conversation over and over again so I ended up telling my mother. Here I was over thirty, telling my mom I dipped Copenhagen. I was ashamed. Yet I still woke up every morning to put that first dip in. I would pathetically take my lunch break to drive around and dip the whole time instead of eating food. So many times I would have to rush from the living room to the bathroom because the doorbell rang.
(Ding Dong - Ding Dong)
Spit, rinse ... spit, rinse ...
(Ding Dong - Ding Dong)
Brushing as fast as I could. Either they would leave by the time I got to the door or I would greet my visitor with nicely fresh breath. I never wanted anyone to know. After many years, .. after several times of trying to quit, .. after new year resolutions and through my husbands heartache, I finally see what my secret, my habit, my addiction for what it is and I am ashamed of myself and the lack of respect I had for my body and health.
To see me out and about, you probably would have never known. Heck, you might have past me at some point in the mall or I could be your next door neighbor but behind my make-up and hair all done up, behind the nice clothes, behind this sensitive woman was a can packin' Copenhagen fanatic. It was a drug. It was MY drug for so long. It's upsetting to know that at any moment I could easily access it. Any moment whatsoever, I could drive to the store and have my drug. I bet it's safe to say that you might be one of the ones thinking, What's the big deal? It's just tobacco and nicotine. ................ Wrong! I'll show you why.
My husband and I have always watched Intervention on AE. If you haven't seen it, the program depicts how a concerned family steps in and tries to help the person they love to take back control of their life without their addiction. ( commonly you'd see illegal drug use, alcoholics, eating disorders, gamblers .. etc) During a show one night, I turned to my husband and said "I wish someone would do an intervention on me." Without a bit of sympathy, he replied, "You CAN stop at anytime. ANYtime you WANT. It's not an addiction. You just don't have the willpower or the need to want to give it up!"
Tears began to trickle down my cheeks until it started flowing like a leaky faucet. Yet, there wasn't a plumber who could fix my leak or my broken spirit that night. I don't know why I tried explaining because if you have never been addicted to something it's hard to show that person what it's like. That was several months ago. I do remember thinking if I tried to quit again, I want to be more educated. I was tired of having this hump on my back, this burden attached to me that I couldn't seem to get rid of. I searched the web and found that addiction to nicotine is higher than the addiction to crack or heroin. And the success rate for recovering from nicotine is less than those two drugs as well. I was astonished. I knew I needed help. I made an agreement with myself that on Jan 1st 2007, I was going to quit. It's saddens me to say that it only lasted a whole six hours before I broke down and bought a can. Three days later, something happened unexpectedly.
I stopped packing Copenhagen into my lip.
That's the day I quit using; to everyone else it was just an average normal day but to me it was the day I found something I had been searching for all my life .. .. myself! I will always be an addict like any recovering alcoholic or drug user. I know my addiction started with a stupid ridiculous dare at the ripe age of sixteen. Now twenty years later, I'm proud to say I am the one in control my life ... not my addiction.
Thinking about quitting?
You never know what you're missing until you try, right?
It's Day 336 and I have a bright future ahead of me.
-mylilsecret
