cbird65 to cbird to bird ... either way here's the back story

[cbird65]

17 Jan 2013, 08:06

How many brothers/sisters have we seen fall away and start finger banging a can? Do you think they or you are cured or think you the nic bitch just gave up because of the awesomeness of your quit? You are now bordering the terminally unique. You are not now nor will you ever be out of her reach.

You may not have a drop of nicotine coursing through you body but the lingering effect mentally and physically persists.

The addict part of me lives in the back of my brain, in the darkness, waiting for me to become less vigilant, complacent, not needing to do the things I have done over the last year in order to stay clean.

There is no starting over. It is a conscious choice, and a potentially deadly one at that I /we face daily. I will never be cured. I can't afford to walk away from all the things that got me clean and helped me to stay clean.

I am an addict. I always will be. I post roll here daily to remain a clean addict, one day at a time and every damned day.

No, I am not attempting to be clever just to get you to post. I want you to post because I know by adding my promise every damned day is first thing I do in my daily battle with the bitch and it takes nicotine off the table for the day.

My .02

I spent a great deal of time effort and money to have anyone else expound on a this subject .....  Coach take it away
(Coach Steve stops by the Glass House of April 12 after putting the twins to sleep. As he walks in the front door he overhears the sound of a semi-argument happening in the living room)

Cbird: Every damned day Rated, every damned day
Rated: Yeah, yeah I hear you Bird....but I just feel how I feel
Texasjack: {sitting on the couch} Hell Rated, I still feel my nuts before I walk out of the door....
Rated: {perplexed} Feel your nuts?
Texasjack: Oh....hehe....did I say nuts? I meant I felt for a can.....yeah that's what I meant...
Cbird: Well you feel your nuts too right?
Texasjack: True....
Rated: How did this conversation get where it's at?
CS: {leaning in the doorway} It's because I'm tired like fuck and my thoughts are bleeding together
Rated: So you think about feeling TJ's nuts?
CS: Not exactly....I was thinking about feeling my own nuts but TJ was speaking in the narrative....it hard to explain
Rated: Kinda like how being an addict is hard to explain?
CS: Yeah.....about that, what the fuck are we even debating here?
Cbird: Rated doesn't think he's an addict
Rated: That's not what I said!
Cbird: Yes it is
Rated: Ok fine....what do you think Coach?
CS: Are you serious?
Rated: About what?
CS: About not being an addict?
Rated: Well....yeah
CS: What the fuck Rated?
Rated: What?
CS: Dude.....do you not remember yourself over a year ago?
Rated: Nah I remember Coach
CS: Do you?
Rated: I think
CS: Think harder...
Rated: Yeah....still not there...
CS: Dammit Rated, well then allow me to entertain you with my memories. Lets start with the times that I would leave the house or office and realize that I left my can behind. Ever happen to you? Do you remember the feeling of panic when you feel for the can in your pocket and it isn't there?
Rated: I guess.....
CS: Well I do...I remember that feeling very well. I also remember the automated response of finding the nearest gas station and having to direct the nice middle eastern clerk to the proper brand, "not that green can, it's the other one, no those are pouches." The overweight black lady behind me has one hand on her hip sighing loudly as the clerk fumbles with the can and tries to figure out how much it costs. "These things are expensive...better to buy two and get dollar off," he says as he points to the 2 for whatever $ amount sign behind the counter. Another loud sigh from behind me. "No thanks, just the one."
(Coach Steve finishes and everyone is sitting speechless giving Coach heart eyes :wub: )
ERDVM: That was beautiful Coach.....
CS: Thanks ERDMV!
ERDVM: Say what?
CS: ERDMV? That's what your newb calls you? Is that the Emergency Room Doctor of Masculine Vaginas?
ERDVM: Good one Coach....I see what you did there, at least I'm not hiding in a fucking trash can
TJ: Oh yeah that reminds me, Vadge, some chick that sounded like a dude called here looking for you. I can't remember his / her name though.....
ERDVM: Amy.....
TJ: You know him / her?
ERDVM: Sigh.......not as much as I should......
(Just then, Luby pops out of the trash can in the corner of the room with the fake elevator trick. He looks around at everyone, looks at his watch, and then does the fake elevator trick back into the trash can)
Rated: {clearing his throat} Ahem.....
CS: Ah yes Rated....back to the issue at hand. Just like MCarmo said, addicts can regain control of their lives and still be addicts. And just like Cbird, ERDMV, TJ, Beast and others, I find no shame in calling myself an addict. In fact, acknowledging that I am an addict every damn day makes life a little easier. I know that I can never use tobacco in any form ever again. There are no lingering thoughts in my mind about having just that one. It's off the table and it starts with my promise on this here roll page every single fucking morning
ERDMV: {spreading his arms} Group hug?
BWB: Ugh......
TJ: Oh come one Beastie, just one group hug?
BWB: I'll do it if Cbird does it
Cbird: Oh I'm all about a group hug!
BWB: Dammit.....ok lets get this over with
(As the group hugs, TJ slips his hand onto Cbird's butt and gives it a little pinch)
Cbird: {continuing the group hug} TJ.....
TJ: Sorry.....I get a little homo in these touching moments
Rated: I love you gheys
(Just then, CS slaps Rated on the back of the head)
Rated: {rubbing his head} Ow! What the hell was that for?
CS: For making me stay up past my bedtime
Rated: Oh...sorry Coach
CS: It's ok Rated....its all good as long as you don't get anymore hair brained ideas about not posting roll.....

[cbird65]

16 Jan 2013, 08:38

At your own risk -  Fair warning to any and all of you who feel they have their addiction in check and can wander off to blaze a trail on their own ~ you are an addict and will be until the day you die.  Why would you turn your back on a process that has been successful for nearly a year or more?  To those you feel this is a status update report depot – pull your heads out of your collective butts and get with the program we all started over a year ago.

We post roll every damned day ~ FIRST THING~ Update your status on facebook

We keep our word every damned day

We rinse and repeat every damned day

This F’n revolving door of quitters who think they are cured or posting roll only makes them think of dip more or whatever lame ass excuse they so they can justify in the addict thinking brain that they can fade away has got to STOP!

You fade away and pretty soon, there isn’t anyone for you to be accountable and then the F’n bitch slithers back one day and she looks so incredibly hot that just one won’t be that big of a deal. 

Now you’re kneeling at the Bitch’s alter

Amen brother, we should not lose our desire to remain quit, happy to be on board with you

Thanks Cbird. Still scared and still remembering Day 1. Love ya Brother.

Very well said and really great words of wisdom friend!

cbird is right.. I USED to be one of those (should I post or not) thinkers. Addiction has many arms, justification is one of them. The bitch wants you to come up with an excuse not to post, so she can slip her foot in the door. I haven't' missed roll yet, and I feel stronger for it. Posting roll won't ruin your day, but not posting very well could.... Quit

[cbird65]

01 Jan 2013, 08:27

Day 368  - Happy New Year!

Ventured back into the liar f the bitch (the same party I quit at last New Year’s) and guess who was sitting there with a smirk on her face, Ms. Niccy the Bitch.
I was armed with gum, my trusty can of Hooch, the digits on speed dial if needed but I also had the opportunity to talk w 3 quit brothers yesterday.  Two of the calls were to new guys just looking for some help the last to a good friend I've had the honor of battling this addiction with for a year now.  Thanks bro!

The evening proceeded as usual, too much food, some drink and cards.  For the next 3 hours I watched two guys finger bang their cans.  Both knew I am quit and neither attempted to flaunt their poison.   Oddly, each congratulated me on one year quit, to which I only replied, When you are ready, I'll be here to help if I can.

There was no mad scramble to spit a dip out and try to cover up the lingering cat turd taste in my mouth Ms. Niccy and Copenstanken used to leave.  So as we counted down at midnight, my wife paused before kissing me and said for the 5th or 6th time that evening how proud she was on me.  I'll be storing that image in my quit vault!

Bravo!!!!!  Fucking Champed out quit right there.

Nice work cbird, the battle seems to always go on but our opponent is getting weaker keep kicking that ass and leading the way

Wish I was there, I would have kissed you too. Nice work brother.  :wub:

Nicd work bro!!! I was at a party and MS Nic was everywhere in the form of cancer sticks.  Didn't crave at all during the party but had a F'n dream that I bought a pack of non-filter cigs and smoked at least one of them.

[cbird65]

28 Dec 2012, 16:18
Day 364

Inch by inch, mile by mile...

Coming up on one year quit and the wife and I will be going to the home of some very good friends of ours for a New Year’s Eve party. This is the same party I walked out on the nic bitch last year and am currently going through my mental quit list to fortify my quit. The bitch will be present so I will be armed with my trusty list of phone numbers, my stand by in case of emergency can of Hooch classic and atomic fireball gum. I have read and re-read a number of quitter’s introductions to dust off the memory of the “suck zone” and I am more pissed off I allowed myself to be a slave 35 years.

I am not infallible but I am determined that today I will not cave. I will post with my beloved group of April 12 and with the random thirty other groups tomorrow and then I’ll get up and do it again.

Be mindful, that you nor I will ever be cured but the fight gets a little easier over time provided we stay in "quit condition". Get your hands up and protect your quit!!

For those of you who are still fighting with the decision of quitting, just do it. Rip the freaking shackles off and tell the nic bitch to pound sand. How much longer do you want to silently kill yourself? Isolate yourself? And wastefully throw your money down the drain? Enough is enough.

Flush the shit down the toilet and set the cans on fire if you need a funeral for the bitch then go join the open Pre-Hall of Fame class (April 2013) and post your promise to remain quit today. Follow through with your promise and repeat tomorrow. If you can, help some other quitter out there.

[cbird65]

25 Dec 2012, 07:30
Day 361

Merry Christmas to one and all. Quitting is a perfect gift to yourself. It should be a decision based 100% on you, eventhough others around you will benefit from you quit.

[cbird65]

13 Dec 2012, 08:17

Accountability Brotherhood & Success

It’s what makes KTC a haven of quit for me but it seems to get lost with the revolving door of cavers taking a dump on this site and on all of us each time they have a “F-it” moment.

After hitting the Hall last April, I was challenged to write out another goal that required a physical and mental component, like a dumbass that challenge was the Dallas Marathon.   Last Sunday I finished my first marathon and believe me, it was not pretty.  There are similarities in running a race like that and quit – both take a very long time, requite mental toughness, dedication and they both hurt like a mother . 

During what seemed to be the longest day on earth for me I had battle the urge not quit running repeatedly. 

There were friends, family and other runners who had already finished the course that were cheering as I rounded the final turn and headed for the finish line.

After finishing the race this past Sunday, I was exhausted mentally and physically and said I wouldn’t put myself through that torture again.

Today is the following Thursday and I am committing myself to another marathon in April. 

The biggest difference between running and our quit… in the race, there is a finish line and when you cross it they give you medal and a shirt that says FINISHER on it.

I want my quit to say FINISHER!!!

:wub:

congratulations on finishing one marathon and committing to another!.
That running bug can bite real hard, I have seen it happen to several people.
Not me thankfully, but other people.

How about a shirt that says Daily Finisher?

proud to quit with you and congrats

The site maybe littered with shoemakers, but the majority are people like yourself that inspire us.. Congrats on your race, and so proud of you and your quit..

Very proud of you man.

If you are looking for "finisher" t-shirts here at the Ktc, we gave our stock to Gmann....but for different reasons.

[cbird65]

As Coach Steve writes, ‘my vigor is up’!  To all you asshats who think they need to rewrite the book of quit … think again.  For the umpteenth time, KTC is about BROTHERHOOD, ACCOUNTABILITY & SUCCESS. 

What actions are required?

Posting Roll Daily
Keeping Said Promise
Repeating Tomorrow

Quit is not a sprint, it’s the longest freakin race of your lifetime but it’s made easier by focusing on a 24 hour window.  Kind of like the marathon I am attempting on Dec 9th.  Can I run full on for 26.2 miles...probably not but can I run for 2 minutes and walk for 1, my training says I can and I will.

Post roll every day, help as many people along the way but to your own quit be true.  Shakespeare, I am not but the point is you must protect your own quit and make it THE priority.  Oddly, others will see that example and want to emulate.

PS - It's not about you so stop reading the 'news articles' -

ITS ABOUT THE QUIT

VLF!!!!

Haha. Vigor Like Fuck.

To add to what Cbird is saying, it really chaps my ass to see people forget or ignore what helped them quit in the first place. If an alcoholic gets sober by going to AA meetings, stops going and then starts drinking again, where do you think the alcoholic goes to get sober again? If the person with depression goes to the therapist and starts taking meds to help the depression, then stops taking meds and stops going to the therapist, when the depression returns, where does that person go to get help again? Why is it not the same with KTC for some people? Drama you say? Please spare me your BS explanation.

I don't agree with everything said on this website nor do I have to. I don't like everyone on this website, nor do I have to. All I have to do is follow the simple recipe that Cbird has identified. If I do that, I know I'll stay quit.

p.s. Apologies to Cbird if this rant is redundant, I seem to have an issue with that (just ask J2B)

Redundant Like Fuck

Sorry, had to.  Just so you know all three of you have received my votes for KTC Heisman this year...

[cbird65]

 
  28 Nov 2012, 14:28
Day 334 -

Thanksgiving has come and gone but while I was in OKC, I had an opportunity to meet up with the good Dr Vadge for a nice long drink. My drink started around 1:00PM so by the time Vadge showed up, I was feeling no pain. We yacked for a couple of hours and found out we had a friend in common that lives north of me in TX. Long story short, I called my buddy of 15 years today and found out he's now 3 months quit. I asked him why he quit and he read off a laundry list of reasons: fear of cancer, tired of a raw lip, losing taste, spending money, kids getting older and finally he said your dumb ass. I told him not to blame it on me and he replied, well "if bird can do it, hell anyone can"......Zactly!!!!!

One word of warning, if you plan to meet up for drinks with the good Doctor; make sure you are not in his examination room and you keep an eye on your drink at all times

[cbird65]

 22 Nov 2012, 05:21
Thanksgiving Day 2012 Quit Day 328


Today marks another day added to list of "first times in 35 yrs. to enjoy". Thanksgiving is and has always been a reflective holiday for me and today I give thanks for this site and ALL of the nutcases who have impacted my quit. There are so many who come to mind and more than a handful have become true friends.

I look back briefly to see the Day 1 marker I planted in my quit. No, I'm not boasting, I don't ever want to forget the absolute SUCK. I am looking forward to new chapters to write and will remain confident that I am responsible for my actions and reactions. I will no longer be a slave to a drug in a can. The light has been turned on and I now see I can live without the brain masking drug and habit I selfishly clung to 35 freakin' years.


We are quickly approaching some of the most stressful times and want to encourage you guys to lean on each other when you're not "feeling the quit". Remember all of the craves that have been beaten down and use the tools you've learned here. Be ready to help, encourage or challenge another who might be struggling.


Own It & Protect It

[cbird65]

 13 Nov 2012, 08:13

Over the last 300 + days I have seen a lot of quitters come and go and have witnessed the joyous occasions and the tragic. Remember all of those “instances” were excuses we used in our minds to justify using nicotine.

One thing stands out in mind as the differentiator- the finality of the word decision.

Decision- what does that word mean to you? Does it have a circumstantial equation built into it or have you drawn a line in the proverbial sand saying. “No More”. Let’s take word decision a step further and add "dedicated" to it. The good Dr. Webster defines it: committed to a goal or way of life

So we who have decided to quit poisoning our minds and bodies with nicotine have committed to a goal to no long use the drug that fogged our brains. Goals to in my world are defined and written out. My dad taught me early in life, “If you don’t write it down your chances of success are slim”. He also said I need to periodically gauge the progress of the goal and have an urgency about your decision. I use the spreadsheet to track my performance and to hold myself and my brothers/sister in quit accountable.

My decision last New Year’s Eve was my line in the sand and I resolve to daily re-commit my mind to that promise I made to myself – the guy on the other side of the mirror. I reached out and shook his hand, looked him in the eye and gave my word.

So today, Day 319, I’m still here posting every damn day because in my mind, I don’t want to let the door I have nailing shut to open back up, not even a crack.

Take what you want – leave the rest but you will not change my mind on the decision I have made in my heart and mind.

[cbird65]

08 Sep 2012, 06:50
DAY 253 -

The new class Dec 2012 is coming out of their fog- and the ongoing topic is having a quit plan and exchanging numbers.

Quit plans are critical- if you have no goal or game plan - you have no direction

Here's my .02 on digits - if all you are doing is exchanging numbers and not calling those brothers - you are nothing more than a phone book and a phone book isn’t going to help you when a white knuckle crave comes crashing into your life.
I don’t want acquaintances in my phone – I want QUIT BROTHERS and the only why you develop those is through regular communication – go old school – pick up the phone and talk – it might seem uncomfortable at first but you got nothing to lose and a friend to gain who will help you in your daily fight.

[cbird65]

 14 Jul 2012, 07:36
Chalk this up to the ramblings of a 40-something white guy trying to occupy his mind while running 7 miles in the Texas heat this morning.

No, I’m not Bruce Jenner by any stretch of the imagination or Hydro either… So I’m out running this morning in the drudgery of the Texas heat(thanks to my damn schnauzer for waking me and the missus up 4 times last night) needless to say, my normal 5:45AM run didn’t begin until 9:00AM - It’s Friday and I’m my own boss so I make the hours don’t hate.

Anyway, during my run I saw three things that I am going to link together. One dead bird, one dead squirrel and one crushed empty can of Smokey Mountain Mint.

Dead bird, - maybe it’s the newbie who tries to fly out of the nest too early only to find itself at the mercy of Mother Nature. New guys, stay away from alcohol or any other substance that would lower your quit resolve. Have an emergency quit plan (phone numbers, toothpicks, candy, fake herbal chew, exercise, whatever it takes to dodge a crave/cave).

Sadly, one dead squirrel. They are not cuter or rank higher in the food chain but I applaud their work ethic. They are always gathering food, storing it away. Unfortunately, it wasn’t fast enough to dodge that truck delivery poison to the local convenience store. Applies to any aged quitter – if you are not paying attention (posting, keeping your quit strong by helping others and keeping yourself and your quit bros/sisters accountable) you will “get dead”

One crushed can of Smokey Mountain Mint: I remember the littering PSA campaign of the 70s and the crying Indian, I’m not applauding littering but I am glad to see there are other guys in my area using fake to keep the nic bitch off their backs.

OK, I’m done – pick which group you want to be in and OWN IT

[cbird65]

 09 Jul 2012, 09:40
Day 192


I guess I'm wired differently - if I caved and broke my promise to myself, God, family and all the support here, I would feel like I betrayed every trust imaginable.

I don’t expect re-treads to grovel but show some humility and respect of other quitters who day in and day out keep their promise and try to be active role models to the younger quitters.

I don’t remember who wrote it but the say was: “the tools on this site are ammunition for your quit gun; however, it is completely up to you to load the gun and pull the trigger when being attacked. You failed to either load the gun or pull the trigger. It’s time to identify the answer and then further explore why.

Did life just get so difficult you had to poison your body again with nicotine? Better question, did nicotine make all your problems disappear?

Post roll
Keep promise
Repeat tomorrow

Everyone has read this but not everyone will commit this as a daily mantra.

Choose which side of the fence you want to be on because straddling it, isn’t an option in the long run.

[cbird65]

  23 Jun 2012, 16:49
Day 176

Just chillin on a Saturday afternoon. I worked Car Care (free oil & filter change for widows and single moms at our church) this morning 7AM-Noon-
came home and went straight to the yard work task -

After the de-funking shower- updated the spreadsheet and jumped on chat - - got some running advise from the Wick-meister and found out we're going to have about 10 KTC guys show up at the DFW meet on Tues.

I was reading some of the posts in Sept and it dawned on my I didn't put in pinch of Hooch before hitting the yards today. That is the 1st time in 35 yrs to mow a yard without copenstankin or Hooch

[cbird65]

21 Jun 2012, 15:02

Here we go again – another handful of cavers limping into the new Pre- HOF class and low and behold we have a few with some serious days quit – supposedly 600 and another recent HOF is now deemed as a re-tread.

Anger and shock are just a couple of my immediate reactions.

Angered and shocked that they would be so careless with something they fought so long to protect. But one thing I am not and that is doubtful. I will not let the negative actions of a handful of people shake my resolve

How do I prevent a cave from happening to me?

The first one is second nature to me now on day 174 Post daily.

Secondly, renew you quit on a regular basis. Make it a habit of retracing your steps by going back and reading through the suck period, you guys remember that….Day 1 through whatever before you felt like you could walk in public without ripping into someone. How many of our spouses would let us get away with the argument, I told you I loved you on our wedding day and not repeat it again?? If you don’t love yourself enough to recommit to your quit then why did you make the decision in the first place?

Pay if forward. The more invest in others here they become and it also strengthens the Brotherhood of KTC. It’s kind of a catch 22 also, if you’re helping a newbie, they are looking to you for guidance and now you are or should be an example for them to follow.

So the question is, does your quit merit following?