I'm A Douche

[SWJ]

Day #5 started today. Started strong. Today is going to be one of those days when The Habit is clearly weaker than I am. Last night was different though.

I broke.

Not like you might think - I did not cave in to The Habit - That's not going to happen. Instead, I found something else about this addiction that needed to be addressed - My honesty.

After supper, I told my wife that I had something to tell her - That it was partly bad and partly good. She looked worried and frightened and in that beautiful, innocent face I saw what I had done to her and I started to cry a little.

I told her that I had lied to her since we had known each other. I told her that every time she had caught me and I had promised to quit, I had not. I told her that I had NEVER gone more than 12 hours without tobacco, and I told her how sorry I was, and I told her about you guys, and I cried.

Some of those tears were for all the times I had snuck off to be by myself to enjoy a dip, and some of them were for the times that she had found a full can hidden in my spot and thrown it away... Most of them though, were because the husband I've been doesn't meet the husband that she deserves, and I'm ashamed of that. I told her that too.

But I also told her that I wasn't going to fail. Although this is my first attempt at quitting, I am only going to need one time, I told her. I promised her that I wouldn't let her down  I told her again how so very sorry I was...

And the tears told her all the rest.

She knows that I'm dangerous when I set my mind on something. She knows that I am ultra-competitive and have a tendency to literally believe that I can do anything.

And because of the tears, she knows that I am being truthful. She knows how terribly sorry I am and she knows that the time has come. She knows how much I love and adore her and she knows that I do not fuck around when I make a decision.

I was broken last night after supper because I needed to be.

Today, though, I am rock solid because I want to be.

[abouttime487]

I feel your pain SWT - I too am fighting the bear - and I AM WINNING - I too have a wife and 2 kids who deserve a dad to be around for a long time. I too would like a dip but not gonna go get one not this time. Proud to be walking this trail beside you.

abouttime487 - day 10

[Sandman32]

Nice post Wally, looking good, you've got the attitude to make it.

[QuittinTime]

"I don't think I'll do it though -"

Nice post SWJ, just one edit, change this to I know I WILL NOT do it.

[Rkymtnman]

VERY well written. I imagine a few of us on here can totally relate to where you are coming from.

Now come back here and read this every time you NEED a dip. Better yet - print it out and carry it with you so you'll always have it handy.

Welcome to April '09.

[Kdip]

SWJ, I really like you attitude. I lived the big lie and hid my dip addiction from my wife and family for years. Nothing was better for me than a frech juicy dip of cope out of a newly opened can. I finally decided to choose them over Dip Shit 135 days ago. Best Decision I ever made. You can DO this too - one day at a time. It will start to get better after the first week or so. 'Finger' Grizzely. PM if you need anything.

[SWJ]

Day #4 started today. Days 1-3 were easier than I thought they would be, but today is tough. I miss my Grizzly. I miss the taste, I miss the slight buzz, I miss the smell of a brand new, freshly opened can, I miss that first pinch, and the ridiculous little amount of excitement that I got when I realized that this can was fresher and more moist than the last can. God, I could use a dip right now...

I don't think I'll do it though -

First, I told myself that I wouldn't. Second, I told all of you that I wouldn't. I haven't told my wife that I've stopped yet, but my plan was to wait until I got an entire week under my belt to tell her. Third, I don't need the dip. I want it, but I don't need it.

Short term...? Quitting sucks. I hate quitting and I miss dipping.
Long term...? It's the right thing to do  I'd much rather The Quit suck a little bit, than suck a LOT because I'm going to die. I don't really want to quit, but I don't want to die even more.

For my own sake, I'm going to go through writing down my reasons for quitting again - You can read them, but right now they're for me - If I don't write these down again, I'm afraid I will go directly to the convenience store for the Grizzly, so here they are:

1. I don't want my wife to marry someone else because I died from this shit.
2. I don't want some other dude living in my house because I died from this shit.
3. I don't want anyone else taking care of my 7 year old little boy. I am the only person on earth who knows how to love him the best.
4. My twelve year old son needs me - I promised him that I would be around for a long, long time  I don't want him asking some other guy some day why I lied to him.
5. My wife deserves better. I am ashamed of having lied to her all this time and I am going to be the man she deserves me to be.
6. I don't want to think about some other dude laughing and joking with his friends about dating my wife because he heard that her first husband was some kind of an idiot and killed himself with dip...
7. My wife and I made our family - Without the 2 of us, there would be no 4 of us.
8. I love my family and they love me.
9. Without me though, some other man would eventually come into their lives.
10. My family needs me and I need them - Nothing is more important to us than each other and the three of them deserve to be proud of me instead of ashamed and embarassed
11. My wife deserves the marriage that she always wanted - Tobacco is the ONE thing that has come between us and THAT is OVER.

I DON'T CARE IF I HAVE TO WRITE THIS OVER AND OVER EVERY DAY FOR THE NEXT YEAR. I am THROUGH with tobacco - I miss it, but I no longer care more about that than I do about the important things: Love, family, health, wisdom, and so on. Grizzly, Kodiak, whatever - There is NO way that they compare with the things that are important to me now.

The hold that tobacco had on me is slipping away and the habit is losing its grip.
It will undoubtedly catch someone else today and start the struggle anew, but the struggle here is DONE.

There is no way that tobacco can step to my Ninja willpower.

[Josh]

This place will help. It still helps me. You'll do this. One day at a time brother.

[leaf67]

Those are indeed some powerful reasons to quit. I also came to this website as a first time quitter 159 days ago driven by the very same thoughts. An addiction to nicotine was stealing moment after moment of the present while for 15 years I managed to close a blind eye to the real possibility of short-changing my future with my wife and 3 children. Enough. I followed the path laid down by the people on this website to make it a one and only quit. In reading your post I am also conviced that you will do it on the first try. Get it done. I admire your first step!

[SWJ]

Thanks, Josh - It's Day #2 and so far, it has not been that difficult...Yet... In my short time here I have become convinced that this place will help me when it does get tough.

Thanks for the kind words -

[Josh]

Yes you can do it on your first try. Just put it down. Lay it down, pray, cuss, cry -- do whatever it takes for you. It'll suck for a little while and you'll wonder if you've got the strenght. Rest assured, you can beat this just like I did and just like everybody else who posts here did. I haven't had a dip of Copenhagen for 308 days now. It's hard to believe. I've been there, and so have the rest of these guys. You can do it. Stay strong.

[SWJ]

On Sunday, I decided to quit. For some reason I started thinking about what life for my family would be like without me and I decided to quit. I looked at my wife and my two little boys and I decided to stop this habit that I have enjoyed for the last 13 years. I also decided to write down some of the things that I was thinking, and I want to put them here - Maybe for my own reasons, but also maybe because they might help someone else.

1) I don't want my wife to ever marry someone else because I'm not around anymore

2) I don't want some other man living in my house with my family one day because I'm not around anymore

3) It hurts my heart to think about someone sitting in my place at the supper table

4) I don't want someone else trying to "win over" my seven year old little boy. Only I know how to love him with all my heart

5) My twelve year old needs me to be his dad. When he was very small, I made him a promise that I would be around for him for a long, long time

6) My wife deserves more. She has always been honest and giving with me, and I have not done the same for her. I am ashamed of myself and am determined to be the husband she deserves to have

7) I shudder at the thought of another man one day making jokes and talking to his friends about dating my wife

8) My wife and I built our family together - Without the two of us, there would not be four of us and I want to continue to be a part of how special that is

9) I love my family  they love me. I have been selfish and hurtful and the three most important people in my life have loved me anyway

10) If I wasn't around anymore...eventually my wife and our boys would find another husband and dad to take my place...and for what...?

11) My family needs me. Nothing is as important as that except righting the wrongs I have done and making my wife and our boys proud of me.

I don't know if any of this makes sense, but I am determined to make this work. I have never tried to quit before, but am convinced that I can do it on the first try...