Day 116
I had a great past 5 days until yesterday. Doesn't help I came down with a head cold!!! This weeks symptoms are a bit different. My muscle tension is back into my throat and neck area (seems to move around quite a bit) and the feeling of adrenaline going through my body, but an irritating type of adrenaline, where my body feels like it want's to explode.
To be honest most of this is self inflicted stress I am placing on myself as at work, I strive to be the best I can be and want to complete and accomplish everything. When I am unable too I come down hard on myself for some reason and I can't seem to just let it go. I wear the failure and stress on my shoulder and that is what's causing me so much turmoil. Well, that and I'm still going through withdrawals! I need to teach myself that it's okay to fail or not get to everything and that I am only one person and can only do so much......why is that so hard for me to do???? Very strange....I see other people at work do absolutely nothing and live care free and still retain their jobs, so why can't I live care free or tell my mind to live care free? Don't sweat the small stuff!!! I have never been told by my superiors that I do a bad job in the 16 years working for the same company....
I'm thinking it maybe 200 - 300 days before I feel my best and I know I will have to push through this ODAAT!!! I savor the good days and pray for more of them to come and I know I can do something about that myself....stop worrying and start living!!!
Sometimes it is easy to forget where you've come from and how far you've come. Your brain was jacked up for a long long time dude, it is going to take some time to get to good/better/best. But it will happen. What you are feeling today is a whole lot better than where you've been. I took some snips of your intro just to help you think about how hard you've fought and how far you've come. You should be proud as fuck of your progress:
This was you 99 days ago:
On day 16 (1/5/16) at work I suddenly felt really tired, then a bit of panic started. I drove home doing my best to take my mind off of the anxiety I was feeling that there's something very wrong. I felt the same as that night when I went to the ER except I had no racing heart. I felt a pressure on my chest, severe stomach pains, burping, severe anxiety, and some depression. I almost wanted to go back to the hospital. The next day I called into work and did not go in. Keep in mind I knew nothing about nicotine withdrawal until today or of this web site, i was alone. I was up all night filled with stomach cramps, anxiety, depression, constant sweating then being cold, and constant burping. I lost my appetite and any smell made me want to vomit.
I went to see my doctor that morning and he had no idea what was causing this. He ended up putting me on zoloft, the smallest dose. That was a huge mistake as it made me feel 100 times worse with my symptoms and i quickly got off that after 2 days (1/7/16). The doctor gave me a small dose of xanax next, which I did not take.This past Thursday I started feeling there was nothing to live for and everything that made me happy no longer could make me happy. My mind raced that I was going crazy and panicking trying to find an answer for the way I was feeling. I felt helpless, lost, scared, thinking about my life and having it feel like it was going to end like this. It was a constant feeling that overtook me that I couldn't shake off. The heavy chest, stomach issues, loss of appetite and my mind going insane was unbearable. I made an appointment with a psychologist to help with my new anxiety and depression and did everything to learn about relaxation techniques. They helped some but I still had that feeling.
when you leave your mind with nothing to do or think about. So I am writing you all right now to occupy my mind.
This was you 91 days ago:
Now, onto the fight. Day 24 and my head is in the fog right now. I can feel my heartbeat in my chest and am just a bit on edge today. Funny thing is that I feel that way right now, but I didn't feel this way when talking to the counselor. This is what happens
I am tired today as I had a rough night with no sleep. I know I was battling those damn nic receptors in my brain all of them panicking wanting to know where their nic was at. I denied them and will continue to deny them. It was a helluva fight as there still launching volleys at each other in my head. I am winning and will win this fight
81 Days ago...
I am feeling the Hypnic Jerks quite a bit now and hope they go away. I think it's a side affect from the Xanax or either I have a vitamin deficiency. I am looking for help online and yet there is no cure and doctors have no idea how to treat it. I am praying to god that I don't have to go through this nightly or I will lose sleep every day. I get scared it will affect my ability to work, but I got to stop worrying, it's probably making it worse!
After this, you went through a lot, so lets skip to ... 36 days ago:
On Nicotine: no exercise, did not even drink water, breakfast came in the form of a large beef and bean burrito, doughnuts, and an energy drink. Lunch was a sandwich, chips, candy bar, yogurt, and another energy drink. Dinner was sometimes fast food, frozen pizzas, and some times regular cooked meals. During the day I would squeeze in another 1-2 energy drinks. I would come home and eat, the relax with the nic bitch, pop some sleeping pills, then go to bed. I couldn't sleep regularly without the sleeping pills....wonder why? Weight 247 and blood pressure 190/95
Off Nicotine: exercise at least 30 mins a day, drink tons of water, For breakfast I have a super food smoothie in the morning with arugula, spinach, kale, banana, pineapple, blueberries, raspberries, strawberries, almonds and flax seeds, along with a protein bar. Lunch is celery and carrots with some dipping sauce, whole grain organic bread meat sandwich, an apple, trail mix, and a protein bar. Dinner is a salmon fillet, steak, or pork no larger than 8oz, super food salad w/ avocado and tomatoes, and either whole grain rice or a raw vegetable. Dessert is another super smoothie. I sleep like a baby. Weight 217 and blood pressure 125/72
Now if I can make changes like that physically, I know I can make the changes mentally!!! Just takes a little longer.....
________________
You are gonna have some ups and downs... but you are getting to a much better place. One Day At A Time.
