50 days.
Felt pretty good this weekend when I hit 50. Most of my quit brothers are well past this mark, but 1/2 a chub is better than 1/3 chub. I didn't have any celebrations, i just posted roll early, and quit all day. My quit was challenged this weekend though.
1. Friday night, a referring hospital called and wrongly chewed my ass. Threatening
to send her business elsewhere.
2. Saturday morning a good friend and colleague, who is 3.5 years quit from
opiates, whom I supervise, had a positive result for alcohol come back on his
urine test. He is 30 days from getting fully licensed again.
3. Saturday night, a quit brother called me with major marital problems that are
likely going to adversely affect his quit.
4. Mother in Law fell and broke her damn hip. Had surgery Sunday.
5. Sunday had a major, ridiculous fight with my wife.
So did I cave - hell no, I aint no crack whore. Did I crave nicotine - actually no. Did I crave easy, passive solutions - yes. But I am no longer that person who will just tell you whatever to avoid conflict. My brain is no longer medicated with nicotine 24 hours a day. It is quite liberating to wear my big-girl panties around and handle life's problems like an adult. I used to somehow handle life's curveballs, but without nicotine it is just different somehow. So, I went with my heart and I dealt, honestly, with all my issues.
1. Dr. Paranoid's Office Manager, you were not so combative when I repeated your complaint and told you that i was offended by your suggestion. Nor were you so demanding, when I ended our conversation and called your boss directly. Guess what, she only apologized 6 times for your drama and still refers to me.
2. Dr. Friend, I called you because I care for you. Yeah, we work great together and will make a lot of money together if you stay sober, but that's not why I care. I researched the urine test and false positives are common at such a low level. Ultimately, when you gave me your word, I believe you.
3. KTC Brother, you might read this. I think the conversations we had this weekend were very positive, and I hope you know that i was completely honest with you. I will keep your confidence, but if you will let me ask around the site some, I am sure I could find you some additional help. I am still worried about your quit.
4. MNL. Your only 60, very healthy. But next time use a ladder vs a chair.
5. Wife. I know it is a little weird with me being quit. Im dealing with things like a 15 year old - the last time i didn't have nicotine running through my body. We have both been very busy, and with 4 kids, are lives are rarely dull. However, please don't think that you can manipulate me anymore. i.e.-get in a fight and yell enough that you know i will/would/used to go to the garage and pack my lip with medication. Being completely honest with myself and to you is weird to me too. I think that us being honest with each other will only strengthen us in the long run.
So, yeah, I've just rambled and pretty much just vomited on this page. This isn't meant to be zen-ful, or life-changing, its mostly just for me. 1/2 HOF is what it is - 50 days of quit. I'm still just one fuck up away from losing it all - we all are. However, I am quit today and I'll deal with tomorrow's problems tomorrow - without nicotine.
