12 days off

[pavetheway]

Self Exploring Vadge

What in our fucked up psyches makes us want to use again?  Is in our DNA?  Has it been there all along?  Was it there when we started watching Rainbow Connection? When we first hit the back of a baseball off a tee? Is it a longing for control? For rebellion? For the past? Because of Fear? 

I do not know. 
ItÂ’s probably all of these and more.

I do know that I havent thought about using nicotine since yesterday.  Now wait....before any of you lovely gheys begin calling me out ... I wasn’t in some cataleptic state at Kum N Go mumbling Copenhagen or anything... It was just the usual fleeting feeling that Im sure most of us still experience post HOF.   It doesn’t scare me.  Its just strange.  Its Life. Its Reality.

I texted with a recent caver the other day.  He says he just wanted what he was missing.  Im not sure he realizes exactly what he was missing.  But.....deep down, I think he does know.   I think we all do.  He had grown weary of wearing the yoke of abstinence.  (~Russell Brand ref). He had grown tired of the battle that we all face every damned day (Vigor ref). He started to feel alone (Coach Steve ref).  Even though there are literally thousands of similar addicts all around us.  Even though he knew the Addiction Law, the health risks, the absolute betrayal he was initiating.  Even though anyone here would drop everything to talk to him, he chose the easy way.  He started seeing ghosts and lies of the past.  He chose to unhitch the yoke and step back into the House of False.  Where we all used to live.  With our fatties, and our spit bottles, and our shame.  Where we could ignore Reality.  Where we werent encumbered by the thoughts of forever. Where we could sit on beanbag chairs and just watch Life through dirty windows.  Where the cost was absolute fealty and daily suicide. 

It’s been a strange week for me. 
Ive contemplated fading away. 
Ive grown weary of the petty drama. 
Ive been accused of things that are not true. 
Ive had “time to move on” thoughts.

But, true to that old story, we will always be addicts.  Me included.  Trying to forget that is dangerous. Trying to ignore the thought process of an addicted mind will only lead to failure. 

So... I choose to remember.  Every Day.  With my promise.  With all of you. 

Vadge 430.

I couldn't get past rainbow connection, sounds like a ghey match maker....off to google I go!

Oh Bruce, Kermit would be very upset.

Good words from the good doc, thanks as the more I keep reading from all of you the more I keep my head down, my armor up and moving forward never looking back again for any reason.

I got turned on a little when I read "Self exploring Vadge".

So proud of you man.

I'm glad you're here, Vadge. I've had similar feelings myself and know we aren't the only ones. It's extra frustrating to me when these feelings are brought about by the very people who are supposed to be helping us through our daily battle to remain quit!
It's very upsetting when people use their power (so to speak) in a negative way. Even though it is our choice on a daily basis to keep our promise to stay nicotine free, sometimes the actions of others cause us to make the wrong decision. "With great power comes great responsibility" :) I don't EVER want something I've said to play any part in a fellow quitter going back to the can (or pack). We are ALL addicts.
I'm so glad you were able to get past the childishness of the unnecessary drama... Heart you my friend!

:wub:

"sometimes the actions of others cause us to make the wrong decision"

I strongly disagree with this statement. I hold myself accountable for making the right decisions in my life....especially when it comes to the quit. In my 434 days on KTC I've been involved in lots of petty drama and I've spewed my share of bullshit (in addition to taking other people's bullshit along the way). Never, not once did I try to use the name calling and petty drama as an excuse. And anyone who wants to tell me that something I said drove them back to the can, well......its just another weak excuse. People leave KTC because they want to and they cave because they want to.....some of these folks simply prefer to use the actions of others as an excuse for their own failings.

No Excuses Like Fuck.

I agree with Coach Steve like Fuck!

No matter how many days it is still a battle we need to win on a daily basis!

Surprise, surprise...A small portion of what's written taken away from the rest of the statement has been misinterpreted. :o Haha!! I actually pretty much said the same thing you did Coach...

The full sentence actually read, "Even though it is OUR CHOICE on a daily basis to keep our promise to stay nicotine free, sometimes the actions of others cause us to make the wrong decision."

For every action, there is a reaction.

Action- Coach Steve voices his strong opinion of disagreement to me on a message forum for all to see.

Reaction (choice A)- I cry like a bitch and run to a pack of smokes claiming he hurt my feelings and nicotine will make it all better.

Reaction (choice B )- I move on with my opinion and my quit and come back tomorrow and post day 257.

I chose B and so did Vadge :) That was my point. You boys can have your club house back now.

No girls allowed. They are icky....

[2mch2lv4]

Self Exploring Vadge

What in our fucked up psyches makes us want to use again?  Is in our DNA?  Has it been there all along?  Was it there when we started watching Rainbow Connection? When we first hit the back of a baseball off a tee? Is it a longing for control? For rebellion? For the past? Because of Fear? 

I do not know. 
ItÂ’s probably all of these and more.

I do know that I havent thought about using nicotine since yesterday.  Now wait....before any of you lovely gheys begin calling me out ... I wasn’t in some cataleptic state at Kum N Go mumbling Copenhagen or anything... It was just the usual fleeting feeling that Im sure most of us still experience post HOF.   It doesn’t scare me.  Its just strange.  Its Life. Its Reality.

I texted with a recent caver the other day.  He says he just wanted what he was missing.  Im not sure he realizes exactly what he was missing.  But.....deep down, I think he does know.   I think we all do.  He had grown weary of wearing the yoke of abstinence.  (~Russell Brand ref). He had grown tired of the battle that we all face every damned day (Vigor ref). He started to feel alone (Coach Steve ref).  Even though there are literally thousands of similar addicts all around us.  Even though he knew the Addiction Law, the health risks, the absolute betrayal he was initiating.  Even though anyone here would drop everything to talk to him, he chose the easy way.  He started seeing ghosts and lies of the past.  He chose to unhitch the yoke and step back into the House of False.  Where we all used to live.  With our fatties, and our spit bottles, and our shame.  Where we could ignore Reality.  Where we werent encumbered by the thoughts of forever. Where we could sit on beanbag chairs and just watch Life through dirty windows.  Where the cost was absolute fealty and daily suicide. 

It’s been a strange week for me. 
Ive contemplated fading away. 
Ive grown weary of the petty drama. 
Ive been accused of things that are not true. 
Ive had “time to move on” thoughts.

But, true to that old story, we will always be addicts.  Me included.  Trying to forget that is dangerous. Trying to ignore the thought process of an addicted mind will only lead to failure. 

So... I choose to remember.  Every Day.  With my promise.  With all of you. 

Vadge 430.

I couldn't get past rainbow connection, sounds like a ghey match maker....off to google I go!

Oh Bruce, Kermit would be very upset.

Good words from the good doc, thanks as the more I keep reading from all of you the more I keep my head down, my armor up and moving forward never looking back again for any reason.

I got turned on a little when I read "Self exploring Vadge".

So proud of you man.

I'm glad you're here, Vadge. I've had similar feelings myself and know we aren't the only ones. It's extra frustrating to me when these feelings are brought about by the very people who are supposed to be helping us through our daily battle to remain quit!
It's very upsetting when people use their power (so to speak) in a negative way. Even though it is our choice on a daily basis to keep our promise to stay nicotine free, sometimes the actions of others cause us to make the wrong decision. "With great power comes great responsibility" :) I don't EVER want something I've said to play any part in a fellow quitter going back to the can (or pack). We are ALL addicts.
I'm so glad you were able to get past the childishness of the unnecessary drama... Heart you my friend!

:wub:

"sometimes the actions of others cause us to make the wrong decision"

I strongly disagree with this statement. I hold myself accountable for making the right decisions in my life....especially when it comes to the quit. In my 434 days on KTC I've been involved in lots of petty drama and I've spewed my share of bullshit (in addition to taking other people's bullshit along the way). Never, not once did I try to use the name calling and petty drama as an excuse. And anyone who wants to tell me that something I said drove them back to the can, well......its just another weak excuse. People leave KTC because they want to and they cave because they want to.....some of these folks simply prefer to use the actions of others as an excuse for their own failings.

No Excuses Like Fuck.

I agree with Coach Steve like Fuck!

No matter how many days it is still a battle we need to win on a daily basis!

Surprise, surprise...A small portion of what's written taken away from the rest of the statement has been misinterpreted. :o Haha!! I actually pretty much said the same thing you did Coach...

The full sentence actually read, "Even though it is OUR CHOICE on a daily basis to keep our promise to stay nicotine free, sometimes the actions of others cause us to make the wrong decision."

For every action, there is a reaction.

Action- Coach Steve voices his strong opinion of disagreement to me on a message forum for all to see.

Reaction (choice A)- I cry like a bitch and run to a pack of smokes claiming he hurt my feelings and nicotine will make it all better.

Reaction (choice B )- I move on with my opinion and my quit and come back tomorrow and post day 257.

I chose B and so did Vadge :) That was my point. You boys can have your club house back now.

[Grizzly25]

Self Exploring Vadge

What in our fucked up psyches makes us want to use again?  Is in our DNA?  Has it been there all along?  Was it there when we started watching Rainbow Connection? When we first hit the back of a baseball off a tee? Is it a longing for control? For rebellion? For the past? Because of Fear? 

I do not know. 
ItÂ’s probably all of these and more.

I do know that I havent thought about using nicotine since yesterday.  Now wait....before any of you lovely gheys begin calling me out ... I wasn’t in some cataleptic state at Kum N Go mumbling Copenhagen or anything... It was just the usual fleeting feeling that Im sure most of us still experience post HOF.   It doesn’t scare me.  Its just strange.  Its Life. Its Reality.

I texted with a recent caver the other day.  He says he just wanted what he was missing.  Im not sure he realizes exactly what he was missing.  But.....deep down, I think he does know.   I think we all do.  He had grown weary of wearing the yoke of abstinence.  (~Russell Brand ref). He had grown tired of the battle that we all face every damned day (Vigor ref). He started to feel alone (Coach Steve ref).  Even though there are literally thousands of similar addicts all around us.  Even though he knew the Addiction Law, the health risks, the absolute betrayal he was initiating.  Even though anyone here would drop everything to talk to him, he chose the easy way.  He started seeing ghosts and lies of the past.  He chose to unhitch the yoke and step back into the House of False.  Where we all used to live.  With our fatties, and our spit bottles, and our shame.  Where we could ignore Reality.  Where we werent encumbered by the thoughts of forever. Where we could sit on beanbag chairs and just watch Life through dirty windows.  Where the cost was absolute fealty and daily suicide. 

It’s been a strange week for me. 
Ive contemplated fading away. 
Ive grown weary of the petty drama. 
Ive been accused of things that are not true. 
Ive had “time to move on” thoughts.

But, true to that old story, we will always be addicts.  Me included.  Trying to forget that is dangerous. Trying to ignore the thought process of an addicted mind will only lead to failure. 

So... I choose to remember.  Every Day.  With my promise.  With all of you. 

Vadge 430.

I couldn't get past rainbow connection, sounds like a ghey match maker....off to google I go!

Oh Bruce, Kermit would be very upset.

Good words from the good doc, thanks as the more I keep reading from all of you the more I keep my head down, my armor up and moving forward never looking back again for any reason.

I got turned on a little when I read "Self exploring Vadge".

So proud of you man.

I'm glad you're here, Vadge. I've had similar feelings myself and know we aren't the only ones. It's extra frustrating to me when these feelings are brought about by the very people who are supposed to be helping us through our daily battle to remain quit!
It's very upsetting when people use their power (so to speak) in a negative way. Even though it is our choice on a daily basis to keep our promise to stay nicotine free, sometimes the actions of others cause us to make the wrong decision. "With great power comes great responsibility" :) I don't EVER want something I've said to play any part in a fellow quitter going back to the can (or pack). We are ALL addicts.
I'm so glad you were able to get past the childishness of the unnecessary drama... Heart you my friend!

:wub:

"sometimes the actions of others cause us to make the wrong decision"

I strongly disagree with this statement. I hold myself accountable for making the right decisions in my life....especially when it comes to the quit. In my 434 days on KTC I've been involved in lots of petty drama and I've spewed my share of bullshit (in addition to taking other people's bullshit along the way). Never, not once did I try to use the name calling and petty drama as an excuse. And anyone who wants to tell me that something I said drove them back to the can, well......its just another weak excuse. People leave KTC because they want to and they cave because they want to.....some of these folks simply prefer to use the actions of others as an excuse for their own failings.

No Excuses Like Fuck.

I agree with Coach Steve like Fuck!

No matter how many days it is still a battle we need to win on a daily basis!

[Coach Steve]

Self Exploring Vadge

What in our fucked up psyches makes us want to use again?  Is in our DNA?  Has it been there all along?  Was it there when we started watching Rainbow Connection? When we first hit the back of a baseball off a tee? Is it a longing for control? For rebellion? For the past? Because of Fear? 

I do not know. 
ItÂ’s probably all of these and more.

I do know that I havent thought about using nicotine since yesterday.  Now wait....before any of you lovely gheys begin calling me out ... I wasn’t in some cataleptic state at Kum N Go mumbling Copenhagen or anything... It was just the usual fleeting feeling that Im sure most of us still experience post HOF.   It doesn’t scare me.  Its just strange.  Its Life. Its Reality.

I texted with a recent caver the other day.  He says he just wanted what he was missing.  Im not sure he realizes exactly what he was missing.  But.....deep down, I think he does know.   I think we all do.  He had grown weary of wearing the yoke of abstinence.  (~Russell Brand ref). He had grown tired of the battle that we all face every damned day (Vigor ref). He started to feel alone (Coach Steve ref).  Even though there are literally thousands of similar addicts all around us.  Even though he knew the Addiction Law, the health risks, the absolute betrayal he was initiating.  Even though anyone here would drop everything to talk to him, he chose the easy way.  He started seeing ghosts and lies of the past.  He chose to unhitch the yoke and step back into the House of False.  Where we all used to live.  With our fatties, and our spit bottles, and our shame.  Where we could ignore Reality.  Where we werent encumbered by the thoughts of forever. Where we could sit on beanbag chairs and just watch Life through dirty windows.  Where the cost was absolute fealty and daily suicide. 

It’s been a strange week for me. 
Ive contemplated fading away. 
Ive grown weary of the petty drama. 
Ive been accused of things that are not true. 
Ive had “time to move on” thoughts.

But, true to that old story, we will always be addicts.  Me included.  Trying to forget that is dangerous. Trying to ignore the thought process of an addicted mind will only lead to failure. 

So... I choose to remember.  Every Day.  With my promise.  With all of you. 

Vadge 430.

I couldn't get past rainbow connection, sounds like a ghey match maker....off to google I go!

Oh Bruce, Kermit would be very upset.

Good words from the good doc, thanks as the more I keep reading from all of you the more I keep my head down, my armor up and moving forward never looking back again for any reason.

I got turned on a little when I read "Self exploring Vadge".

So proud of you man.

I'm glad you're here, Vadge. I've had similar feelings myself and know we aren't the only ones. It's extra frustrating to me when these feelings are brought about by the very people who are supposed to be helping us through our daily battle to remain quit!
It's very upsetting when people use their power (so to speak) in a negative way. Even though it is our choice on a daily basis to keep our promise to stay nicotine free, sometimes the actions of others cause us to make the wrong decision. "With great power comes great responsibility" :) I don't EVER want something I've said to play any part in a fellow quitter going back to the can (or pack). We are ALL addicts.
I'm so glad you were able to get past the childishness of the unnecessary drama... Heart you my friend!

:wub:

"sometimes the actions of others cause us to make the wrong decision"

I strongly disagree with this statement. I hold myself accountable for making the right decisions in my life....especially when it comes to the quit. In my 434 days on KTC I've been involved in lots of petty drama and I've spewed my share of bullshit (in addition to taking other people's bullshit along the way). Never, not once did I try to use the name calling and petty drama as an excuse. And anyone who wants to tell me that something I said drove them back to the can, well......its just another weak excuse. People leave KTC because they want to and they cave because they want to.....some of these folks simply prefer to use the actions of others as an excuse for their own failings.

No Excuses Like Fuck.

[2mch2lv4]

Self Exploring Vadge

What in our fucked up psyches makes us want to use again?  Is in our DNA?  Has it been there all along?  Was it there when we started watching Rainbow Connection? When we first hit the back of a baseball off a tee? Is it a longing for control? For rebellion? For the past? Because of Fear? 

I do not know. 
ItÂ’s probably all of these and more.

I do know that I havent thought about using nicotine since yesterday.  Now wait....before any of you lovely gheys begin calling me out ... I wasn’t in some cataleptic state at Kum N Go mumbling Copenhagen or anything... It was just the usual fleeting feeling that Im sure most of us still experience post HOF.   It doesn’t scare me.  Its just strange.  Its Life. Its Reality.

I texted with a recent caver the other day.  He says he just wanted what he was missing.  Im not sure he realizes exactly what he was missing.  But.....deep down, I think he does know.   I think we all do.  He had grown weary of wearing the yoke of abstinence.  (~Russell Brand ref). He had grown tired of the battle that we all face every damned day (Vigor ref). He started to feel alone (Coach Steve ref).  Even though there are literally thousands of similar addicts all around us.  Even though he knew the Addiction Law, the health risks, the absolute betrayal he was initiating.  Even though anyone here would drop everything to talk to him, he chose the easy way.  He started seeing ghosts and lies of the past.  He chose to unhitch the yoke and step back into the House of False.  Where we all used to live.  With our fatties, and our spit bottles, and our shame.  Where we could ignore Reality.  Where we werent encumbered by the thoughts of forever. Where we could sit on beanbag chairs and just watch Life through dirty windows.  Where the cost was absolute fealty and daily suicide. 

It’s been a strange week for me. 
Ive contemplated fading away. 
Ive grown weary of the petty drama. 
Ive been accused of things that are not true. 
Ive had “time to move on” thoughts.

But, true to that old story, we will always be addicts.  Me included.  Trying to forget that is dangerous. Trying to ignore the thought process of an addicted mind will only lead to failure. 

So... I choose to remember.  Every Day.  With my promise.  With all of you. 

Vadge 430.

I couldn't get past rainbow connection, sounds like a ghey match maker....off to google I go!

Oh Bruce, Kermit would be very upset.

Good words from the good doc, thanks as the more I keep reading from all of you the more I keep my head down, my armor up and moving forward never looking back again for any reason.

I got turned on a little when I read "Self exploring Vadge".

So proud of you man.

I'm glad you're here, Vadge. I've had similar feelings myself and know we aren't the only ones. It's extra frustrating to me when these feelings are brought about by the very people who are supposed to be helping us through our daily battle to remain quit!
It's very upsetting when people use their power (so to speak) in a negative way. Even though it is our choice on a daily basis to keep our promise to stay nicotine free, sometimes the actions of others cause us to make the wrong decision. "With great power comes great responsibility" :) I don't EVER want something I've said to play any part in a fellow quitter going back to the can (or pack). We are ALL addicts.
I'm so glad you were able to get past the childishness of the unnecessary drama... Heart you my friend!

:wub:

[wastepanel]

Self Exploring Vadge

What in our fucked up psyches makes us want to use again?  Is in our DNA?  Has it been there all along?  Was it there when we started watching Rainbow Connection? When we first hit the back of a baseball off a tee? Is it a longing for control? For rebellion? For the past? Because of Fear? 

I do not know. 
ItÂ’s probably all of these and more.

I do know that I havent thought about using nicotine since yesterday.  Now wait....before any of you lovely gheys begin calling me out ... I wasn’t in some cataleptic state at Kum N Go mumbling Copenhagen or anything... It was just the usual fleeting feeling that Im sure most of us still experience post HOF.   It doesn’t scare me.  Its just strange.  Its Life. Its Reality.

I texted with a recent caver the other day.  He says he just wanted what he was missing.  Im not sure he realizes exactly what he was missing.  But.....deep down, I think he does know.   I think we all do.  He had grown weary of wearing the yoke of abstinence.  (~Russell Brand ref). He had grown tired of the battle that we all face every damned day (Vigor ref). He started to feel alone (Coach Steve ref).  Even though there are literally thousands of similar addicts all around us.  Even though he knew the Addiction Law, the health risks, the absolute betrayal he was initiating.  Even though anyone here would drop everything to talk to him, he chose the easy way.  He started seeing ghosts and lies of the past.  He chose to unhitch the yoke and step back into the House of False.  Where we all used to live.  With our fatties, and our spit bottles, and our shame.  Where we could ignore Reality.  Where we werent encumbered by the thoughts of forever. Where we could sit on beanbag chairs and just watch Life through dirty windows.  Where the cost was absolute fealty and daily suicide. 

It’s been a strange week for me. 
Ive contemplated fading away. 
Ive grown weary of the petty drama. 
Ive been accused of things that are not true. 
Ive had “time to move on” thoughts.

But, true to that old story, we will always be addicts.  Me included.  Trying to forget that is dangerous. Trying to ignore the thought process of an addicted mind will only lead to failure. 

So... I choose to remember.  Every Day.  With my promise.  With all of you. 

Vadge 430.

I couldn't get past rainbow connection, sounds like a ghey match maker....off to google I go!

Oh Bruce, Kermit would be very upset.

Good words from the good doc, thanks as the more I keep reading from all of you the more I keep my head down, my armor up and moving forward never looking back again for any reason.

I got turned on a little when I read "Self exploring Vadge".

So proud of you man.

[SirDerek]

Self Exploring Vadge

What in our fucked up psyches makes us want to use again?  Is in our DNA?  Has it been there all along?  Was it there when we started watching Rainbow Connection? When we first hit the back of a baseball off a tee? Is it a longing for control? For rebellion? For the past? Because of Fear? 

I do not know. 
ItÂ’s probably all of these and more.

I do know that I havent thought about using nicotine since yesterday.  Now wait....before any of you lovely gheys begin calling me out ... I wasn’t in some cataleptic state at Kum N Go mumbling Copenhagen or anything... It was just the usual fleeting feeling that Im sure most of us still experience post HOF.   It doesn’t scare me.  Its just strange.  Its Life. Its Reality.

I texted with a recent caver the other day.  He says he just wanted what he was missing.  Im not sure he realizes exactly what he was missing.  But.....deep down, I think he does know.   I think we all do.  He had grown weary of wearing the yoke of abstinence.  (~Russell Brand ref). He had grown tired of the battle that we all face every damned day (Vigor ref). He started to feel alone (Coach Steve ref).  Even though there are literally thousands of similar addicts all around us.  Even though he knew the Addiction Law, the health risks, the absolute betrayal he was initiating.  Even though anyone here would drop everything to talk to him, he chose the easy way.  He started seeing ghosts and lies of the past.  He chose to unhitch the yoke and step back into the House of False.  Where we all used to live.  With our fatties, and our spit bottles, and our shame.  Where we could ignore Reality.  Where we werent encumbered by the thoughts of forever. Where we could sit on beanbag chairs and just watch Life through dirty windows.  Where the cost was absolute fealty and daily suicide. 

It’s been a strange week for me. 
Ive contemplated fading away. 
Ive grown weary of the petty drama. 
Ive been accused of things that are not true. 
Ive had “time to move on” thoughts.

But, true to that old story, we will always be addicts.  Me included.  Trying to forget that is dangerous. Trying to ignore the thought process of an addicted mind will only lead to failure. 

So... I choose to remember.  Every Day.  With my promise.  With all of you. 

Vadge 430.

I couldn't get past rainbow connection, sounds like a ghey match maker....off to google I go!

Oh Bruce, Kermit would be very upset.

Good words from the good doc, thanks as the more I keep reading from all of you the more I keep my head down, my armor up and moving forward never looking back again for any reason.

[Bruce]

Self Exploring Vadge

What in our fucked up psyches makes us want to use again?  Is in our DNA?  Has it been there all along?  Was it there when we started watching Rainbow Connection? When we first hit the back of a baseball off a tee? Is it a longing for control? For rebellion? For the past? Because of Fear? 

I do not know. 
ItÂ’s probably all of these and more.

I do know that I havent thought about using nicotine since yesterday.  Now wait....before any of you lovely gheys begin calling me out ... I wasn’t in some cataleptic state at Kum N Go mumbling Copenhagen or anything... It was just the usual fleeting feeling that Im sure most of us still experience post HOF.  It doesn’t scare me.  Its just strange.  Its Life. Its Reality.

I texted with a recent caver the other day.  He says he just wanted what he was missing.  Im not sure he realizes exactly what he was missing.  But.....deep down, I think he does know.  I think we all do.  He had grown weary of wearing the yoke of abstinence.  (~Russell Brand ref). He had grown tired of the battle that we all face every damned day (Vigor ref). He started to feel alone (Coach Steve ref).  Even though there are literally thousands of similar addicts all around us.  Even though he knew the Addiction Law, the health risks, the absolute betrayal he was initiating.  Even though anyone here would drop everything to talk to him, he chose the easy way.  He started seeing ghosts and lies of the past.  He chose to unhitch the yoke and step back into the House of False.  Where we all used to live.  With our fatties, and our spit bottles, and our shame.  Where we could ignore Reality.  Where we werent encumbered by the thoughts of forever. Where we could sit on beanbag chairs and just watch Life through dirty windows.  Where the cost was absolute fealty and daily suicide. 

It’s been a strange week for me. 
Ive contemplated fading away. 
Ive grown weary of the petty drama. 
Ive been accused of things that are not true. 
Ive had “time to move on” thoughts.

But, true to that old story, we will always be addicts.  Me included.  Trying to forget that is dangerous. Trying to ignore the thought process of an addicted mind will only lead to failure. 

So... I choose to remember.  Every Day.  With my promise.  With all of you. 

Vadge 430.

I couldn't get past rainbow connection, sounds like a ghey match maker....off to google I go!

[ERDVM]

Self Exploring Vadge

What in our fucked up psyches makes us want to use again? Is in our DNA? Has it been there all along? Was it there when we started watching Rainbow Connection? When we first hit the back of a baseball off a tee? Is it a longing for control? For rebellion? For the past? Because of Fear?

I do not know.
ItÂ’s probably all of these and more.

I do know that I havent thought about using nicotine since yesterday. Now wait....before any of you lovely gheys begin calling me out ... I wasnÂ’t in some cataleptic state at Kum N Go mumbling Copenhagen or anything... It was just the usual fleeting feeling that Im sure most of us still experience post HOF. It doesnÂ’t scare me. Its just strange. Its Life. Its Reality.

I texted with a recent caver the other day. He says he just wanted what he was missing. Im not sure he realizes exactly what he was missing. But.....deep down, I think he does know. I think we all do. He had grown weary of wearing the yoke of abstinence. (~Russell Brand ref). He had grown tired of the battle that we all face every damned day (Vigor ref). He started to feel alone (Coach Steve ref). Even though there are literally thousands of similar addicts all around us. Even though he knew the Addiction Law, the health risks, the absolute betrayal he was initiating. Even though anyone here would drop everything to talk to him, he chose the easy way. He started seeing ghosts and lies of the past. He chose to unhitch the yoke and step back into the House of False. Where we all used to live. With our fatties, and our spit bottles, and our shame. Where we could ignore Reality. Where we werent encumbered by the thoughts of forever. Where we could sit on beanbag chairs and just watch Life through dirty windows. Where the cost was absolute fealty and daily suicide.

ItÂ’s been a strange week for me.
Ive contemplated fading away.
Ive grown weary of the petty drama.
Ive been accused of things that are not true.
Ive had “time to move on” thoughts.

But, true to that old story, we will always be addicts. Me included. Trying to forget that is dangerous. Trying to ignore the thought process of an addicted mind will only lead to failure.

So... I choose to remember. Every Day. With my promise. With all of you.

Vadge 430.

[luby]

After reading that, I feel the need for another Bricktown adventure.

Agreed. Nothing like drinking and laughing for hours to liven up a work trip. Good stuff erd!

[pavetheway]

After reading that, I feel the need for another Bricktown adventure.

[wastepanel]

I'm very proud of you.

Give me back my dog.

[loot]

bring a damned tear to LOOTs eye

[G]

Goo stuff.

[30isEnuff]

“Divine Quit Protection?”

One year ago last weekend, cbird65 (aka bird aka peeturd aka the Watcher aka Vigor) unknowingly helped me off the Edge and jumpstarted my quit. It happened in Dallas at a soccer tournament.

This weekend, I so happened to again be in Dallas, at a soccer tournament, and Vigor unknowingly kept me safe again....

Last Friday night, I took a rain check on the usual Excessive Parental Drinking the Friday Night Before a Soccer Tournament get together.
I had other plans.
I had a date.
At BoneDaddyÂ’s.
With Vigor, Rocket, and Bruce (and Angel and Lust, but that is for another time)

Long story short...I was able to officially meet Bruce and Rocket in person. There is something so overwhelmingly profound that happens when you meet your fellow quitters face to face. I mean, on a lot of levels, they know as much or MORE about me than some of my closest “real” friends or family. They know my secrets, my struggles, my wins, my losses. They know me, and I know them, because, we are all the same. We are all addicts. We all drink the “Kool Aid” every day.

So after a few too many beers, one too many shots of Don Julio, some raucous humor, and flirting with the scantly clad wait staff, I left BoneDaddyÂ’s with a smile on my face, partial wood, and a revived quit. Slept awesome that night in the Hyatt. Had dreams of Angel and Lust....

The next day at breakfast, I was asked where I was last night. I told them I met up with some friends (still seems a little awkward to say I met up with some friends who are addicts and who I make a promise to every day on the interweb...). I got the expected jeers and post game report.

“Man, we got hammered last night. Crown Black. We missed you. We even had a cigar for you....”

....

....


“A cigar?” I question.

....

....

“Well I’m glad I missed that then”, I respond.

“What do you mean?" asks friend. "Oh yeah, youre still all no nicotine arent you”.

“Yep", I nod and smile, "379 days today.”


Was this some divine direction from some higher power? Was it the essence of L00t? Or maybe the prayers of Chewie and Mule? Yes and no. It was the cumulative power of thousands of nicotine addicts that saved me. Im not saying I would have caved last Friday night. But, I am saying that it would have been a much less enjoyable evening. Probably requiring me to leave the party. Probably requiring me to contact a few of you “just to chat” (man slang for “help me”). I know at least, my connection and daily promise with you all, kept me from a dangerous situation. Kind of like deciding to take one route, and finding out later there was a major accident on the other one. You might not have crashed, but ...

Guys, this stuff works. Many of you are struggling today. New and old. Sometimes Life keeps pushing and pushing and pushing. We all sometimes “long” for the “normal of yesterday”. We mistakenly start to think nicotine was/is the magical leygate to that time. But.... It wasn’t normal back then. We werent normal. We chose to medicate and ignore Life, vs learning how to be Brave. And Authentic. And Vulnerable. Life sucks sometimes. And we Hurt. And that is OK. But....in all of us lives the Power to Choose. Choose to Push Back. Choose to Reach Out before you reach into a can of cancer. Reach Out so that you don’t have to do this alone.

Yep. I'll take this flavor of Kool Aid every day.

'Cheers' Great Stuff. Thank you for sharing...my woodie just got more woodier today!