Day 28
Life is good. The strong cravings have been reduced to a simple thought which is easily dismissed. Feeling better and stronger with every day that passes. Posted 100% roll and I intend to keep my promise each day to myself and every other quitter here who can keep their promise to do the same. I've found old empty chew cans, half packs of cigarettes, half full snus containers, and even a full sealed can in a basket in the kitchen the other day. The stuff was literally everywhere and I trashed them all. What was really sweet was that when I found the sealed can my wife and kids were all there in the kitchen. I announced what I had found, they watched as I opened the seal, cracked it open, and dumped it right in the trash while they were watching. I have to admit it smelled great to me, but not once did I even consider stuffing that garbage in my face. After all I made a promise, never again one day at a time.
Since the agony and fog has cleared I have realized that the nic bitch had been stringing me along like a puppet for as long as I can remember. They caused me and especially my wife a lot of pain and suffering over the last 23 years. The lies told, irritability, and mood swings if I didn't get my fix were in control of my actions and mood. I took it out on her for so long that a new trust will have to be rebuilt with her one day at a time. She is pre-menopausal now and I was able to extend grace and sympathy towards her this weekend, where I would have just retaliated and got equally in her face which could have been another big step backwards. It felt great to be in control and able to stay calm with a storm raging around me.
The last 4 weeks have given me much time to reflect on myself, my actions, and my integrity. I've always thought of myself as an honest person, but I have found out that it all starts with being honest with myself and my actions. I have made a daily commitment to further honor my self, my wife, and my God by not looking at any porn, and have made it almost 2 weeks now. It's hard because it is everywhere around me. Even when I post roll I am bombarded with hotties of the day, avatars, smilies, even the lunatic in charge of my group is a goat fucker who named our November quit group the cunt faces. Now I just post roll and roll on without much interaction there any more.
Looking forward I see a long struggle with alcohol that will need to be addressed in time. What am I gaining from all of this is? FREEDOM. Freedom from the controlling, abusive, and destructive addictions I allowed to take my life from me. It may seem strange, but freedom from these things is liberating and feels great. No more lies to cover up, no more sneaking away to use, no more guilt and pain. Please say a prayer for me if you think about it. I can use all I can get.
Thanks for staying quit with me, proud to be quit with you all today, and tomorrow we'll do it all over again.
