Day 1... I quit

[worktowin]

Day 241

Started a new band project! This is something I've been moving toward for more than a year. Getting it thought out, recruiting the right guys, covering all angles, revising schedules, studio time, rehearsal space, writing time, blah, blah, blah. We had our first meeting last night and I'm giddy like it's Christmas eve! This is the first time in years where my music work will be... my work. Not a commercial project, not a hired gun... my/our stuff. Merry Freakin' Christmas to me!

So, this first get together is to hash out logistics. How will we go about the process, what do we want to move toward, etc. My house/home studio is the logical choice to meet. The guys start arriving and I'm just stoked! I've played music with most of these guys for close to 10 years and a few of them are VERY good friends... more like family really. As some of us are standing at the door my bass player arrives. I'll call him Joe. We greet, I hand out beers, and I chat him up for a bit.

Um... something is off.

I'm looking at him and wondering what the hell it is and then it hits me like a truck. He's got a dip in!! WTF!? This man who I've known for years, spent hour upon hour with, been to his house, rode in his car... has a dip in! Now, granted, in that room I was the only one who noticed because of my own ninja credentials. He had in what I called the "polite party dip". Enough to feed the need but hidden enough in the pocket so as not to be seen. I saw it. How did I not know? How on earth did I NOT KNOW!? It literally blew my mind. I thought I was the good ninja... Joe kicked my ass! Anyway, the night goes off without a hitch. The meeting is full of energy and everyone is looking forward to this project. However, at the back of my mind, all night, I'm still in a state of "wtf!?". I'm at work this morning and it's still buggin' me and I'm not sure why. Not like I'm unfamiliar with people who dip! I gotta admit I had flashes of jealousy. Wishing it was still me a little bit. Stupid addict brain sigh Anyway... as I'm thinking about it, it slowly begins to dawn on me that I'm actually thinking a little bit less of my friend Joe. How could he!? What a sneak! What a liar! What a slave! What a... oh... yeah. That was me. For 25 years.

I was pretty ashamed of myself. But for God's grace and KTC that would have been me last night. Easily. I'm glad to have caught a glimpse of that "old me" again. This new me is MUCH better off.

Throughout this project it will be my goal to, as gently as possible, eduacte him. Point him towards this awesome brotherhood. Show him what real freedom is.

Rock on...

Wow! What a revelation for you brother! I can understand how that is burning in your mind. Ultimately you see yourself and you wish you could just shake and wake him up. It's hard to see someone you care about live as a slave. And the news of him being a slave is likely just as discerning. Anyway that's not you anymore and hopefully he comes to the light, but you my friend are in the light!

Good job Apple. As you know, quitting is a personal decision. Maybe he isn't ready; maybe he is ready but scared (hence the polite ninja dip). Don't let his decision to slowly kill himself cause you to look at him with anger, just pitty.

He's still a friend. Have you thought about pulling him aside and saying, "Dude, I never knew you dipped. I bet you never knew that I dipped. But I quit 241 days ago. Do you want to quit?"

Evil is striking a chord. I have a lady that works for me whose husband dips. A lot. And she was telling me this week about his high bp, acid reflux, anxiety, cancer scares...

No one knows I did this. With the exception of my wife. But I'm beginning to think... My life is do much better, I owe it to her to say something. Not there yet, but getting closer.

AJ - think about it. You've sure helped a lot on here and I'm sure feel satisfaction from that. No need to push, but Evils suggestion seems perfect. I may follow the advice myself....

[Evil_Won]

Day 241

Started a new band project! This is something I've been moving toward for more than a year. Getting it thought out, recruiting the right guys, covering all angles, revising schedules, studio time, rehearsal space, writing time, blah, blah, blah. We had our first meeting last night and I'm giddy like it's Christmas eve! This is the first time in years where my music work will be... my work. Not a commercial project, not a hired gun... my/our stuff. Merry Freakin' Christmas to me!

So, this first get together is to hash out logistics. How will we go about the process, what do we want to move toward, etc. My house/home studio is the logical choice to meet. The guys start arriving and I'm just stoked! I've played music with most of these guys for close to 10 years and a few of them are VERY good friends... more like family really. As some of us are standing at the door my bass player arrives. I'll call him Joe. We greet, I hand out beers, and I chat him up for a bit.

Um... something is off.

I'm looking at him and wondering what the hell it is and then it hits me like a truck. He's got a dip in!! WTF!? This man who I've known for years, spent hour upon hour with, been to his house, rode in his car... has a dip in! Now, granted, in that room I was the only one who noticed because of my own ninja credentials. He had in what I called the "polite party dip". Enough to feed the need but hidden enough in the pocket so as not to be seen. I saw it. How did I not know? How on earth did I NOT KNOW!? It literally blew my mind. I thought I was the good ninja... Joe kicked my ass! Anyway, the night goes off without a hitch. The meeting is full of energy and everyone is looking forward to this project. However, at the back of my mind, all night, I'm still in a state of "wtf!?". I'm at work this morning and it's still buggin' me and I'm not sure why. Not like I'm unfamiliar with people who dip! I gotta admit I had flashes of jealousy. Wishing it was still me a little bit. Stupid addict brain sigh Anyway... as I'm thinking about it, it slowly begins to dawn on me that I'm actually thinking a little bit less of my friend Joe. How could he!? What a sneak! What a liar! What a slave! What a... oh... yeah. That was me. For 25 years.

I was pretty ashamed of myself. But for God's grace and KTC that would have been me last night. Easily. I'm glad to have caught a glimpse of that "old me" again. This new me is MUCH better off.

Throughout this project it will be my goal to, as gently as possible, eduacte him. Point him towards this awesome brotherhood. Show him what real freedom is.

Rock on...

Wow! What a revelation for you brother! I can understand how that is burning in your mind. Ultimately you see yourself and you wish you could just shake and wake him up. It's hard to see someone you care about live as a slave. And the news of him being a slave is likely just as discerning. Anyway that's not you anymore and hopefully he comes to the light, but you my friend are in the light!

Good job Apple. As you know, quitting is a personal decision. Maybe he isn't ready; maybe he is ready but scared (hence the polite ninja dip). Don't let his decision to slowly kill himself cause you to look at him with anger, just pitty.

He's still a friend. Have you thought about pulling him aside and saying, "Dude, I never knew you dipped. I bet you never knew that I dipped. But I quit 241 days ago. Do you want to quit?"

[Erussell]

Day 241

Started a new band project! This is something I've been moving toward for more than a year. Getting it thought out, recruiting the right guys, covering all angles, revising schedules, studio time, rehearsal space, writing time, blah, blah, blah. We had our first meeting last night and I'm giddy like it's Christmas eve! This is the first time in years where my music work will be... my work. Not a commercial project, not a hired gun... my/our stuff. Merry Freakin' Christmas to me!

So, this first get together is to hash out logistics. How will we go about the process, what do we want to move toward, etc. My house/home studio is the logical choice to meet. The guys start arriving and I'm just stoked! I've played music with most of these guys for close to 10 years and a few of them are VERY good friends... more like family really. As some of us are standing at the door my bass player arrives. I'll call him Joe. We greet, I hand out beers, and I chat him up for a bit.

Um... something is off.

I'm looking at him and wondering what the hell it is and then it hits me like a truck. He's got a dip in!! WTF!? This man who I've known for years, spent hour upon hour with, been to his house, rode in his car... has a dip in! Now, granted, in that room I was the only one who noticed because of my own ninja credentials. He had in what I called the "polite party dip". Enough to feed the need but hidden enough in the pocket so as not to be seen. I saw it. How did I not know? How on earth did I NOT KNOW!? It literally blew my mind. I thought I was the good ninja... Joe kicked my ass! Anyway, the night goes off without a hitch. The meeting is full of energy and everyone is looking forward to this project. However, at the back of my mind, all night, I'm still in a state of "wtf!?". I'm at work this morning and it's still buggin' me and I'm not sure why. Not like I'm unfamiliar with people who dip! I gotta admit I had flashes of jealousy. Wishing it was still me a little bit. Stupid addict brain sigh Anyway... as I'm thinking about it, it slowly begins to dawn on me that I'm actually thinking a little bit less of my friend Joe. How could he!? What a sneak! What a liar! What a slave! What a... oh... yeah. That was me. For 25 years.

I was pretty ashamed of myself. But for God's grace and KTC that would have been me last night. Easily. I'm glad to have caught a glimpse of that "old me" again. This new me is MUCH better off.

Throughout this project it will be my goal to, as gently as possible, eduacte him. Point him towards this awesome brotherhood. Show him what real freedom is.

Rock on...

Wow! What a revelation for you brother! I can understand how that is burning in your mind. Ultimately you see yourself and you wish you could just shake and wake him up. It's hard to see someone you care about live as a slave. And the news of him being a slave is likely just as discerning. Anyway that's not you anymore and hopefully he comes to the light, but you my friend are in the light!

[AppleJack]

Day 241

Started a new band project! This is something I've been moving toward for more than a year. Getting it thought out, recruiting the right guys, covering all angles, revising schedules, studio time, rehearsal space, writing time, blah, blah, blah. We had our first meeting last night and I'm giddy like it's Christmas eve! This is the first time in years where my music work will be... my work. Not a commercial project, not a hired gun... my/our stuff. Merry Freakin' Christmas to me!

So, this first get together is to hash out logistics. How will we go about the process, what do we want to move toward, etc. My house/home studio is the logical choice to meet. The guys start arriving and I'm just stoked! I've played music with most of these guys for close to 10 years and a few of them are VERY good friends... more like family really. As some of us are standing at the door my bass player arrives. I'll call him Joe. We greet, I hand out beers, and I chat him up for a bit.

Um... something is off.

I'm looking at him and wondering what the hell it is and then it hits me like a truck. He's got a dip in!! WTF!? This man who I've known for years, spent hour upon hour with, been to his house, rode in his car... has a dip in! Now, granted, in that room I was the only one who noticed because of my own ninja credentials. He had in what I called the "polite party dip". Enough to feed the need but hidden enough in the pocket so as not to be seen. I saw it. How did I not know? How on earth did I NOT KNOW!? It literally blew my mind. I thought I was the good ninja... Joe kicked my ass! Anyway, the night goes off without a hitch. The meeting is full of energy and everyone is looking forward to this project. However, at the back of my mind, all night, I'm still in a state of "wtf!?". I'm at work this morning and it's still buggin' me and I'm not sure why. Not like I'm unfamiliar with people who dip! I gotta admit I had flashes of jealousy. Wishing it was still me a little bit. Stupid addict brain sigh Anyway... as I'm thinking about it, it slowly begins to dawn on me that I'm actually thinking a little bit less of my friend Joe. How could he!? What a sneak! What a liar! What a slave! What a... oh... yeah. That was me. For 25 years.

I was pretty ashamed of myself. But for God's grace and KTC that would have been me last night. Easily. I'm glad to have caught a glimpse of that "old me" again. This new me is MUCH better off.

Throughout this project it will be my goal to, as gently as possible, eduacte him. Point him towards this awesome brotherhood. Show him what real freedom is.

Rock on...

[ParadigmDawg]

200 days brudda!! Congrats! Enjoy the heck out of today. Quittin with you all day long!

Dude, I missed you two hundy...congrats!!!!!!

Like I have always said..."A" is for Apple...."J' is Jack.....

[Erussell]

There's a badass ol' Stealers Wheel tune I dig. A partial lyric reads, "clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, here I am, stuck in the middle with you".

Reading the site today the lyric could be, "Liars to the left of me, cavers to the right..."

These cats let themselves get too far from home. Far too left. Far too right. Dangerous ground in all respects. You need to be here in the middle. The middle is solid ground and there are some mighty strong people to help you out. Better yet... Willing to help you out. We do things for a reason... It works. Freedom has a price and the KTC way is it. It's hardcore but that's what makes it sweet. When you're fighting for your life against an addiction... Stuck in the middle is where you wanna be. The rest of us are here too...

Sadly? Too many of them are too worried about their little feelings getting hurt around here. They're not serious about their quit. They're playing with it....

we stick together - lions and hyena prey on the game that stray from the heard - the survivors hang out in the middle of the heard - that's where I want to be. Jbob

The message folks is simple folks keep in the middle we are here because all other methods have failed too harsh then like Phil said you are playing with your quit.

Thank god the USMC was kind enough to extract my feelings. I have just one and it doesn't care for drama.

FUCK'EM IF THEY CAN'T TAKE A JOKE!!!
FUCK'EM IF THEY CAN'T TAKE THEIR QUIT SERIOUSLY!!!
FUCK'EM IF THEY CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!!

All the way... It's the only way!

Wow some deep quit knowledge dropped in here. I agree with all said. 100% all the way. Quit quit quit quit. I want to be quit. I want to use KYC exactly the way it was meant, many others before me have proven it a success. Close all doors, use KTC letter by letter, for not to, is to leave open doors!!!!

[AppleJack]

There's a badass ol' Stealers Wheel tune I dig. A partial lyric reads, "clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, here I am, stuck in the middle with you".

Reading the site today the lyric could be, "Liars to the left of me, cavers to the right..."

These cats let themselves get too far from home. Far too left. Far too right. Dangerous ground in all respects. You need to be here in the middle. The middle is solid ground and there are some mighty strong people to help you out. Better yet... Willing to help you out. We do things for a reason... It works. Freedom has a price and the KTC way is it. It's hardcore but that's what makes it sweet. When you're fighting for your life against an addiction... Stuck in the middle is where you wanna be. The rest of us are here too...

Sadly? Too many of them are too worried about their little feelings getting hurt around here. They're not serious about their quit. They're playing with it....

we stick together - lions and hyena prey on the game that stray from the heard - the survivors hang out in the middle of the heard - that's where I want to be. Jbob

The message folks is simple folks keep in the middle we are here because all other methods have failed too harsh then like Phil said you are playing with your quit.

Thank god the USMC was kind enough to extract my feelings. I have just one and it doesn't care for drama.

FUCK'EM IF THEY CAN'T TAKE A JOKE!!!
FUCK'EM IF THEY CAN'T TAKE THEIR QUIT SERIOUSLY!!!
FUCK'EM IF THEY CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!!

All the way... It's the only way!

[Pinched]

There's a badass ol' Stealers Wheel tune I dig. A partial lyric reads, "clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, here I am, stuck in the middle with you".

Reading the site today the lyric could be, "Liars to the left of me, cavers to the right..."

These cats let themselves get too far from home. Far too left. Far too right. Dangerous ground in all respects. You need to be here in the middle. The middle is solid ground and there are some mighty strong people to help you out. Better yet... Willing to help you out. We do things for a reason... It works. Freedom has a price and the KTC way is it. It's hardcore but that's what makes it sweet. When you're fighting for your life against an addiction... Stuck in the middle is where you wanna be. The rest of us are here too...

Sadly? Too many of them are too worried about their little feelings getting hurt around here. They're not serious about their quit. They're playing with it....

we stick together - lions and hyena prey on the game that stray from the heard - the survivors hang out in the middle of the heard - that's where I want to be. Jbob

The message folks is simple folks keep in the middle we are here because all other methods have failed too harsh then like Phil said you are playing with your quit.

Thank god the USMC was kind enough to extract my feelings. I have just one and it doesn't care for drama.

FUCK'EM IF THEY CAN'T TAKE A JOKE!!!
FUCK'EM IF THEY CAN'T TAKE THEIR QUIT SERIOUSLY!!!
FUCK'EM IF THEY CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!!

[traumagnet]

There's a badass ol' Stealers Wheel tune I dig. A partial lyric reads, "clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, here I am, stuck in the middle with you".

Reading the site today the lyric could be, "Liars to the left of me, cavers to the right..."

These cats let themselves get too far from home. Far too left. Far too right. Dangerous ground in all respects. You need to be here in the middle. The middle is solid ground and there are some mighty strong people to help you out. Better yet... Willing to help you out. We do things for a reason... It works. Freedom has a price and the KTC way is it. It's hardcore but that's what makes it sweet. When you're fighting for your life against an addiction... Stuck in the middle is where you wanna be. The rest of us are here too...

Sadly? Too many of them are too worried about their little feelings getting hurt around here. They're not serious about their quit. They're playing with it....

we stick together - lions and hyena prey on the game that stray from the heard - the survivors hang out in the middle of the heard - that's where I want to be. Jbob

The message folks is simple folks keep in the middle we are here because all other methods have failed too harsh then like Phil said you are playing with your quit.

[iizphilister]

There's a badass ol' Stealers Wheel tune I dig. A partial lyric reads, "clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, here I am, stuck in the middle with you".

Reading the site today the lyric could be, "Liars to the left of me, cavers to the right..."

These cats let themselves get too far from home. Far too left. Far too right. Dangerous ground in all respects. You need to be here in the middle. The middle is solid ground and there are some mighty strong people to help you out. Better yet... Willing to help you out. We do things for a reason... It works. Freedom has a price and the KTC way is it. It's hardcore but that's what makes it sweet. When you're fighting for your life against an addiction... Stuck in the middle is where you wanna be. The rest of us are here too...

Sadly? Too many of them are too worried about their little feelings getting hurt around here. They're not serious about their quit. They're playing with it....

[AppleJack]

There's a badass ol' Stealers Wheel tune I dig. A partial lyric reads, "clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, here I am, stuck in the middle with you".

Reading the site today the lyric could be, "Liars to the left of me, cavers to the right..."

These cats let themselves get too far from home. Far too left. Far too right. Dangerous ground in all respects. You need to be here in the middle. The middle is solid ground and there are some mighty strong people to help you out. Better yet... Willing to help you out. We do things for a reason... It works. Freedom has a price and the KTC way is it. It's hardcore but that's what makes it sweet. When you're fighting for your life against an addiction... Stuck in the middle is where you wanna be. The rest of us are here too...

[Pinched]

Day 50

This will be wordy. Sorry...

I realize I never posted a proper intro. Not really. Aside from a few delarations of resolve and other generic tidbits, I posted nothing about ME. I was reluctant to and now, 50 days later, I think I know why. Ninja mentality.

Sadly, the biggest part of my life was dip and for 25 years I hid it and lied about it. You can't do something (lie) for that long and not have it infect your personality. The end result is never opening up or letting people close because you have a dirty little secret that needs hid. Retarded right!? Addict rationalization 101. Part II of said retardation?... I don't like ME. The "real" me can see all of the above for what it is and loathes it. I... don't like... ME. Quitting created a bizzare situation. I stopped doing what I hated about myself so I had no more reason to dislike myself (well, there ARE other reasons but that's another post). BUT... too many years hiding my secret made it too strong. I actually have to learn to be ME... without the seret dictating the shots. Whoa.

I'm 42. I'm a professional muscian. Because that doesn't always pay alot (music... not as glam/lucrative as you think!) I also work for the school district where I live. Married 18 years to a woman who should have beat my ass blue years ago for lying/hiding stuff/ruining my health/wasting our families money/etc. She's awesome - I owe her. I'm dad to an 11 yr old daughter. She's my heart. I've been an active music minister for 10 years. I don't really like to cuss a whole lot other than fairly standard fare like helldamnshit. However... a beautifully placed F bomb is very satisfying. I am a dipper of 25 years and (call me out for this next statement, I don't care) I fucking loved it and... I fucking hated it. You will understand the duality of that statement. I suffer from anxiety/panic attacks too. Yaaay. This was mostly under control until I quit then... my good friends anxiety and panic perked up - the nic bitch woke 'em up because she had to leave the building. My quit has not seen a smooth moment yet. I fight every damn day. Hard... Every. Damn. Day. I don't feel better yet. I know my health is better... my doc and dentist assure me of that. Cool.

These last 50 days have been the hardest, yet most rewarding thing I have ever done. Cold turkey - no substitutes. Quit.

I did that... for ME.

Bump...you are a long way from here bro

A long way. Congratulations on another big milestone. The days keep getting better from here. You've been a great inspiration to many of this site. Doesn't it feel great to no longer hide and feel guilty? To just be you, and enjoy the sense of freedom? Well done.

Way to go A.J.! 200 second floor! I quit with you.

Thanks guys! Everyone of you out there in KTC land help me. Doesn't matter if we've communicated or not... The stories, the struggles, the ups, the downs, the victories... The caves. Every bit of it helps keep me on track.

I can barely stand to read that day 50 post. Ugh.
It's so full of desperation, uncertainty, self loathing, fear... You name it.
That wasn't me. That isn't me. That was still the loss of nicotine speaking.

200 days today. Free. THIS... Is me! Rock on y'all.

Never had a doubt that I would be congratulating you on 200 days of freedom! Keep kicking ass Shane!

Shane you have been a huge inspiration to me; keep on quitting and helping make newbies veterans one day at a time.

[Dougie]

Day 50

This will be wordy. Sorry...

I realize I never posted a proper intro. Not really. Aside from a few delarations of resolve and other generic tidbits, I posted nothing about ME. I was reluctant to and now, 50 days later, I think I know why. Ninja mentality.

Sadly, the biggest part of my life was dip and for 25 years I hid it and lied about it. You can't do something (lie) for that long and not have it infect your personality. The end result is never opening up or letting people close because you have a dirty little secret that needs hid. Retarded right!? Addict rationalization 101. Part II of said retardation?... I don't like ME. The "real" me can see all of the above for what it is and loathes it. I... don't like... ME. Quitting created a bizzare situation. I stopped doing what I hated about myself so I had no more reason to dislike myself (well, there ARE other reasons but that's another post). BUT... too many years hiding my secret made it too strong. I actually have to learn to be ME... without the seret dictating the shots. Whoa.

I'm 42. I'm a professional muscian. Because that doesn't always pay alot (music... not as glam/lucrative as you think!) I also work for the school district where I live. Married 18 years to a woman who should have beat my ass blue years ago for lying/hiding stuff/ruining my health/wasting our families money/etc. She's awesome - I owe her. I'm dad to an 11 yr old daughter. She's my heart. I've been an active music minister for 10 years. I don't really like to cuss a whole lot other than fairly standard fare like helldamnshit. However... a beautifully placed F bomb is very satisfying. I am a dipper of 25 years and (call me out for this next statement, I don't care) I fucking loved it and... I fucking hated it. You will understand the duality of that statement. I suffer from anxiety/panic attacks too. Yaaay. This was mostly under control until I quit then... my good friends anxiety and panic perked up - the nic bitch woke 'em up because she had to leave the building. My quit has not seen a smooth moment yet. I fight every damn day. Hard... Every. Damn. Day. I don't feel better yet. I know my health is better... my doc and dentist assure me of that. Cool.

These last 50 days have been the hardest, yet most rewarding thing I have ever done. Cold turkey - no substitutes. Quit.

I did that... for ME.

Bump...you are a long way from here bro

A long way. Congratulations on another big milestone. The days keep getting better from here. You've been a great inspiration to many of this site. Doesn't it feel great to no longer hide and feel guilty? To just be you, and enjoy the sense of freedom? Well done.

Way to go A.J.! 200 second floor! I quit with you.

Thanks guys! Everyone of you out there in KTC land help me. Doesn't matter if we've communicated or not... The stories, the struggles, the ups, the downs, the victories... The caves. Every bit of it helps keep me on track.

I can barely stand to read that day 50 post. Ugh.
It's so full of desperation, uncertainty, self loathing, fear... You name it.
That wasn't me. That isn't me. That was still the loss of nicotine speaking.

200 days today. Free. THIS... Is me! Rock on y'all.

Never had a doubt that I would be congratulating you on 200 days of freedom! Keep kicking ass Shane!

[AppleJack]

Day 50

This will be wordy. Sorry...

I realize I never posted a proper intro. Not really. Aside from a few delarations of resolve and other generic tidbits, I posted nothing about ME. I was reluctant to and now, 50 days later, I think I know why. Ninja mentality.

Sadly, the biggest part of my life was dip and for 25 years I hid it and lied about it. You can't do something (lie) for that long and not have it infect your personality. The end result is never opening up or letting people close because you have a dirty little secret that needs hid. Retarded right!? Addict rationalization 101. Part II of said retardation?... I don't like ME. The "real" me can see all of the above for what it is and loathes it. I... don't like... ME. Quitting created a bizzare situation. I stopped doing what I hated about myself so I had no more reason to dislike myself (well, there ARE other reasons but that's another post). BUT... too many years hiding my secret made it too strong. I actually have to learn to be ME... without the seret dictating the shots. Whoa.

I'm 42. I'm a professional muscian. Because that doesn't always pay alot (music... not as glam/lucrative as you think!) I also work for the school district where I live. Married 18 years to a woman who should have beat my ass blue years ago for lying/hiding stuff/ruining my health/wasting our families money/etc. She's awesome - I owe her. I'm dad to an 11 yr old daughter. She's my heart. I've been an active music minister for 10 years. I don't really like to cuss a whole lot other than fairly standard fare like helldamnshit. However... a beautifully placed F bomb is very satisfying. I am a dipper of 25 years and (call me out for this next statement, I don't care) I fucking loved it and... I fucking hated it. You will understand the duality of that statement. I suffer from anxiety/panic attacks too. Yaaay. This was mostly under control until I quit then... my good friends anxiety and panic perked up - the nic bitch woke 'em up because she had to leave the building. My quit has not seen a smooth moment yet. I fight every damn day. Hard... Every. Damn. Day. I don't feel better yet. I know my health is better... my doc and dentist assure me of that. Cool.

These last 50 days have been the hardest, yet most rewarding thing I have ever done. Cold turkey - no substitutes. Quit.

I did that... for ME.

Bump...you are a long way from here bro

A long way. Congratulations on another big milestone. The days keep getting better from here. You've been a great inspiration to many of this site. Doesn't it feel great to no longer hide and feel guilty? To just be you, and enjoy the sense of freedom? Well done.

Way to go A.J.! 200 second floor! I quit with you.

Thanks guys! Everyone of you out there in KTC land help me. Doesn't matter if we've communicated or not... The stories, the struggles, the ups, the downs, the victories... The caves. Every bit of it helps keep me on track.

I can barely stand to read that day 50 post. Ugh.
It's so full of desperation, uncertainty, self loathing, fear... You name it.
That wasn't me. That isn't me. That was still the loss of nicotine speaking.

200 days today. Free. THIS... Is me! Rock on y'all.

[B-loMatt]

Day 50

This will be wordy. Sorry...

I realize I never posted a proper intro. Not really. Aside from a few delarations of resolve and other generic tidbits, I posted nothing about ME. I was reluctant to and now, 50 days later, I think I know why. Ninja mentality.

Sadly, the biggest part of my life was dip and for 25 years I hid it and lied about it. You can't do something (lie) for that long and not have it infect your personality. The end result is never opening up or letting people close because you have a dirty little secret that needs hid. Retarded right!? Addict rationalization 101. Part II of said retardation?... I don't like ME. The "real" me can see all of the above for what it is and loathes it. I... don't like... ME. Quitting created a bizzare situation. I stopped doing what I hated about myself so I had no more reason to dislike myself (well, there ARE other reasons but that's another post). BUT... too many years hiding my secret made it too strong. I actually have to learn to be ME... without the seret dictating the shots. Whoa.

I'm 42. I'm a professional muscian. Because that doesn't always pay alot (music... not as glam/lucrative as you think!) I also work for the school district where I live. Married 18 years to a woman who should have beat my ass blue years ago for lying/hiding stuff/ruining my health/wasting our families money/etc. She's awesome - I owe her. I'm dad to an 11 yr old daughter. She's my heart. I've been an active music minister for 10 years. I don't really like to cuss a whole lot other than fairly standard fare like helldamnshit. However... a beautifully placed F bomb is very satisfying. I am a dipper of 25 years and (call me out for this next statement, I don't care) I fucking loved it and... I fucking hated it. You will understand the duality of that statement. I suffer from anxiety/panic attacks too. Yaaay. This was mostly under control until I quit then... my good friends anxiety and panic perked up - the nic bitch woke 'em up because she had to leave the building. My quit has not seen a smooth moment yet. I fight every damn day. Hard... Every. Damn. Day. I don't feel better yet. I know my health is better... my doc and dentist assure me of that. Cool.

These last 50 days have been the hardest, yet most rewarding thing I have ever done. Cold turkey - no substitutes. Quit.

I did that... for ME.

Bump...you are a long way from here bro

A long way. Congratulations on another big milestone. The days keep getting better from here. You've been a great inspiration to many of this site. Doesn't it feel great to no longer hide and feel guilty? To just be you, and enjoy the sense of freedom? Well done.

Way to go A.J.! 200 second floor! I quit with you.