Day 1... I quit

[Derk40]

200 days brudda!! Congrats! Enjoy the heck out of today. Quittin with you all day long!

[traumagnet]

Day 50

This will be wordy. Sorry...

I realize I never posted a proper intro. Not really. Aside from a few delarations of resolve and other generic tidbits, I posted nothing about ME. I was reluctant to and now, 50 days later, I think I know why. Ninja mentality.

Sadly, the biggest part of my life was dip and for 25 years I hid it and lied about it. You can't do something (lie) for that long and not have it infect your personality. The end result is never opening up or letting people close because you have a dirty little secret that needs hid. Retarded right!? Addict rationalization 101. Part II of said retardation?... I don't like ME. The "real" me can see all of the above for what it is and loathes it. I... don't like... ME. Quitting created a bizzare situation. I stopped doing what I hated about myself so I had no more reason to dislike myself (well, there ARE other reasons but that's another post). BUT... too many years hiding my secret made it too strong. I actually have to learn to be ME... without the seret dictating the shots. Whoa.

I'm 42. I'm a professional muscian. Because that doesn't always pay alot (music... not as glam/lucrative as you think!) I also work for the school district where I live. Married 18 years to a woman who should have beat my ass blue years ago for lying/hiding stuff/ruining my health/wasting our families money/etc. She's awesome - I owe her. I'm dad to an 11 yr old daughter. She's my heart. I've been an active music minister for 10 years. I don't really like to cuss a whole lot other than fairly standard fare like helldamnshit. However... a beautifully placed F bomb is very satisfying. I am a dipper of 25 years and (call me out for this next statement, I don't care) I fucking loved it and... I fucking hated it. You will understand the duality of that statement. I suffer from anxiety/panic attacks too. Yaaay. This was mostly under control until I quit then... my good friends anxiety and panic perked up - the nic bitch woke 'em up because she had to leave the building. My quit has not seen a smooth moment yet. I fight every damn day. Hard... Every. Damn. Day. I don't feel better yet. I know my health is better... my doc and dentist assure me of that. Cool.

These last 50 days have been the hardest, yet most rewarding thing I have ever done. Cold turkey - no substitutes. Quit.

I did that... for ME.

Bump...you are a long way from here bro

[traumagnet]

200 days bro strong work!

[BearHawk]

6 months ago the phrase "3 week Family Vacation" would have damn near sent me into a panic attack. Where the hell was I gonna stash that much Skoal!? How much should I take!? Can I retrofit some small portion of the Mustang's trunk to be a secret compartment!? (That sounds like a joke... It isn't! Some of you understand). Barring that I would maybe have to do a little research, maybe make a few calls to some mini-marts close by to where we were staying. My. God! The energy expended to feed my addiction. 192 days ago that would have been my focus of our family vacation.

Well... We just got back. Wow.
Miles driven... 2700
Money spent... +/- $6k
Fun had... Immeasurable
Chew hidden/consumed/bought... ZERO!

Here's a few things I learned on this vacation:
1) Central California from, like, Chico down past LA is an armpit. Why the hell do people live there!? I had some people tell me it has its own kinda charm. Nope. You're wrong. And you drive like retards. (My apologies to my brothers and sisters who live there... No offense!)
2) Driving 2700 miles in a 5 speed manual Mustang is fun AND torture.
3) I love my wife and daughter but... Traveling with 2 females and sharing one bathroom most of the time is, um, trying. So glad to be a dude too! I like my low maintenance gender.
4) Trying to keep up with an 11 year old girl on her first trip to Disneyland is like trying to keep up with a crack addict looking for a fix. Get out of the way... Just hand her the money.
5) It's mid October... Why the hell am I sweating!? It's 85 degrees? That ain't right Southern California.
6) Meeting my fellow quitters is fun. JBradley and his awesome family were a joy to run into @Disneyland!
7) Imposing on your KTC family is a must! It builds this brotherhood and it solidifies every aspect of accountability. More than once I had bros post up for me because I was on the road. They jumped at it no questions asked and I never felt like I was imposing. It's how we do things. Hell... Trauma even did it without me asking a few times. He was getting antsy waiting for me to do it so he preempted my request. Thanks to Fleas and Trauma and NoMoreDip for keeping me on track.
8) This is the most profound/exciting one ~ it's possible, at this stage, to go days without even thinking of chew. Read that again. Soak it up. I had stretches of days where, other than posting roll or texting someone to do it for me, it NEVER crossed my mind. That's a beautiful thing boys and girls. It makes the hellish beginning worth every clawed inch forward.

So... Good vacation? Yeah, totally.

Happy to quit with you all!

Great thoughts Apple! I'm glad you survived your vacation with two girls. We are difficult and complicated but generally worth it. :)

Welcome back.

Thanks LHG!

My brotha! Glad to see you're back!!

Hey not all SoCal is an armpit but you have to get out of the city. The coastal towns are nice but the mountains are much better. yes the roads SUCK but you learn a lot. We love our warm weather. While others are freezing we are comfortable. We get cold down here when the temp goes below 60. I love road trips brother. Gonna spend my anniversary up there in crazyland here in a few weeks. Fortunately my children are all grown up, so if they come they have to pay their way and not be a pain in my ass. I totally understand what you are talking about when it came to the stashing of snuff for road trips. I can tell you almost every good stop from SD to Yosemite to get snuff and how to hide it. This up coming vacation will be something to look forward too.

[iizphilister]

6 months ago the phrase "3 week Family Vacation" would have damn near sent me into a panic attack. Where the hell was I gonna stash that much Skoal!? How much should I take!? Can I retrofit some small portion of the Mustang's trunk to be a secret compartment!? (That sounds like a joke... It isn't! Some of you understand). Barring that I would maybe have to do a little research, maybe make a few calls to some mini-marts close by to where we were staying. My. God! The energy expended to feed my addiction. 192 days ago that would have been my focus of our family vacation.

Well... We just got back. Wow.
Miles driven... 2700
Money spent... +/- $6k
Fun had... Immeasurable
Chew hidden/consumed/bought... ZERO!

Here's a few things I learned on this vacation:
1) Central California from, like, Chico down past LA is an armpit. Why the hell do people live there!? I had some people tell me it has its own kinda charm. Nope. You're wrong. And you drive like retards. (My apologies to my brothers and sisters who live there... No offense!)
2) Driving 2700 miles in a 5 speed manual Mustang is fun AND torture.
3) I love my wife and daughter but... Traveling with 2 females and sharing one bathroom most of the time is, um, trying. So glad to be a dude too! I like my low maintenance gender.
4) Trying to keep up with an 11 year old girl on her first trip to Disneyland is like trying to keep up with a crack addict looking for a fix. Get out of the way... Just hand her the money.
5) It's mid October... Why the hell am I sweating!? It's 85 degrees? That ain't right Southern California.
6) Meeting my fellow quitters is fun. JBradley and his awesome family were a joy to run into @Disneyland!
7) Imposing on your KTC family is a must! It builds this brotherhood and it solidifies every aspect of accountability. More than once I had bros post up for me because I was on the road. They jumped at it no questions asked and I never felt like I was imposing. It's how we do things. Hell... Trauma even did it without me asking a few times. He was getting antsy waiting for me to do it so he preempted my request. Thanks to Fleas and Trauma and NoMoreDip for keeping me on track.
8) This is the most profound/exciting one ~ it's possible, at this stage, to go days without even thinking of chew. Read that again. Soak it up. I had stretches of days where, other than posting roll or texting someone to do it for me, it NEVER crossed my mind. That's a beautiful thing boys and girls. It makes the hellish beginning worth every clawed inch forward.

So... Good vacation? Yeah, totally.

Happy to quit with you all!

Great thoughts Apple! I'm glad you survived your vacation with two girls. We are difficult and complicated but generally worth it. :)

Welcome back.

Thanks LHG!

My brotha! Glad to see you're back!!

[AppleJack]

6 months ago the phrase "3 week Family Vacation" would have damn near sent me into a panic attack. Where the hell was I gonna stash that much Skoal!? How much should I take!? Can I retrofit some small portion of the Mustang's trunk to be a secret compartment!? (That sounds like a joke... It isn't! Some of you understand). Barring that I would maybe have to do a little research, maybe make a few calls to some mini-marts close by to where we were staying. My. God! The energy expended to feed my addiction. 192 days ago that would have been my focus of our family vacation.

Well... We just got back. Wow.
Miles driven... 2700
Money spent... +/- $6k
Fun had... Immeasurable
Chew hidden/consumed/bought... ZERO!

Here's a few things I learned on this vacation:
1) Central California from, like, Chico down past LA is an armpit. Why the hell do people live there!? I had some people tell me it has its own kinda charm. Nope. You're wrong. And you drive like retards. (My apologies to my brothers and sisters who live there... No offense!)
2) Driving 2700 miles in a 5 speed manual Mustang is fun AND torture.
3) I love my wife and daughter but... Traveling with 2 females and sharing one bathroom most of the time is, um, trying. So glad to be a dude too! I like my low maintenance gender.
4) Trying to keep up with an 11 year old girl on her first trip to Disneyland is like trying to keep up with a crack addict looking for a fix. Get out of the way... Just hand her the money.
5) It's mid October... Why the hell am I sweating!? It's 85 degrees? That ain't right Southern California.
6) Meeting my fellow quitters is fun. JBradley and his awesome family were a joy to run into @Disneyland!
7) Imposing on your KTC family is a must! It builds this brotherhood and it solidifies every aspect of accountability. More than once I had bros post up for me because I was on the road. They jumped at it no questions asked and I never felt like I was imposing. It's how we do things. Hell... Trauma even did it without me asking a few times. He was getting antsy waiting for me to do it so he preempted my request. Thanks to Fleas and Trauma and NoMoreDip for keeping me on track.
8) This is the most profound/exciting one ~ it's possible, at this stage, to go days without even thinking of chew. Read that again. Soak it up. I had stretches of days where, other than posting roll or texting someone to do it for me, it NEVER crossed my mind. That's a beautiful thing boys and girls. It makes the hellish beginning worth every clawed inch forward.

So... Good vacation? Yeah, totally.

Happy to quit with you all!

Great thoughts Apple! I'm glad you survived your vacation with two girls. We are difficult and complicated but generally worth it. :)

Welcome back.

Thanks LHG!

[AppleJack]

It was awesome to meet you there as well. Wish we could have talked for a little more but when Disney calls we have to take a backseat!

I only had a week out there but I agree 100% that it was amazing not thinking about chewing at all. I got to expend 100% (maybe a little more) of my energy, time, and thoughts with my family.

Proud to quit with you!

Good stuff man! Thanks!

[jbradley]

It was awesome to meet you there as well. Wish we could have talked for a little more but when Disney calls we have to take a backseat!

I only had a week out there but I agree 100% that it was amazing not thinking about chewing at all. I got to expend 100% (maybe a little more) of my energy, time, and thoughts with my family.

Proud to quit with you!

[FishinDipShit]

6 months ago the phrase "3 week Family Vacation" would have damn near sent me into a panic attack. Where the hell was I gonna stash that much Skoal!? How much should I take!? Can I retrofit some small portion of the Mustang's trunk to be a secret compartment!? (That sounds like a joke... It isn't! Some of you understand). Barring that I would maybe have to do a little research, maybe make a few calls to some mini-marts close by to where we were staying. My. God! The energy expended to feed my addiction. 192 days ago that would have been my focus of our family vacation.

Well... We just got back. Wow.
Miles driven... 2700
Money spent... +/- $6k
Fun had... Immeasurable
Chew hidden/consumed/bought... ZERO!

Here's a few things I learned on this vacation:
1) Central California from, like, Chico down past LA is an armpit. Why the hell do people live there!? I had some people tell me it has its own kinda charm. Nope. You're wrong. And you drive like retards. (My apologies to my brothers and sisters who live there... No offense!)
2) Driving 2700 miles in a 5 speed manual Mustang is fun AND torture.
3) I love my wife and daughter but... Traveling with 2 females and sharing one bathroom most of the time is, um, trying. So glad to be a dude too! I like my low maintenance gender.
4) Trying to keep up with an 11 year old girl on her first trip to Disneyland is like trying to keep up with a crack addict looking for a fix. Get out of the way... Just hand her the money.
5) It's mid October... Why the hell am I sweating!? It's 85 degrees? That ain't right Southern California.
6) Meeting my fellow quitters is fun. JBradley and his awesome family were a joy to run into @Disneyland!
7) Imposing on your KTC family is a must! It builds this brotherhood and it solidifies every aspect of accountability. More than once I had bros post up for me because I was on the road. They jumped at it no questions asked and I never felt like I was imposing. It's how we do things. Hell... Trauma even did it without me asking a few times. He was getting antsy waiting for me to do it so he preempted my request. Thanks to Fleas and Trauma and NoMoreDip for keeping me on track.
8) This is the most profound/exciting one ~ it's possible, at this stage, to go days without even thinking of chew. Read that again. Soak it up. I had stretches of days where, other than posting roll or texting someone to do it for me, it NEVER crossed my mind. That's a beautiful thing boys and girls. It makes the hellish beginning worth every clawed inch forward.

So... Good vacation? Yeah, totally.

Happy to quit with you all!

Awesom brotha!! sounds like you had a great time! reminds me of when id go camping or fishing with my wifes family, id hide a whole roll in my tackle box and make up some lame excuse on why i have to fish on the other side of the lake lol. if ive learned anything the last couple days is that the lies ive told trying to uphold and defend my habit are not worth the trust lost with your loved one. I used to think oh its just dip its not a big deal... she will get over it.. but i was wrong. for one thing; women never forget ANYTHING! and secondly they know this shit would eventually kill us and why would they let us kill ourselves slowly with poison?

and yes, I live on the border of cen cal and i can honestly say there aint shit out there haha

[LionHeartedGirl]

6 months ago the phrase "3 week Family Vacation" would have damn near sent me into a panic attack. Where the hell was I gonna stash that much Skoal!? How much should I take!? Can I retrofit some small portion of the Mustang's trunk to be a secret compartment!? (That sounds like a joke... It isn't! Some of you understand). Barring that I would maybe have to do a little research, maybe make a few calls to some mini-marts close by to where we were staying. My. God! The energy expended to feed my addiction. 192 days ago that would have been my focus of our family vacation.

Well... We just got back. Wow.
Miles driven... 2700
Money spent... +/- $6k
Fun had... Immeasurable
Chew hidden/consumed/bought... ZERO!

Here's a few things I learned on this vacation:
1) Central California from, like, Chico down past LA is an armpit. Why the hell do people live there!? I had some people tell me it has its own kinda charm. Nope. You're wrong. And you drive like retards. (My apologies to my brothers and sisters who live there... No offense!)
2) Driving 2700 miles in a 5 speed manual Mustang is fun AND torture.
3) I love my wife and daughter but... Traveling with 2 females and sharing one bathroom most of the time is, um, trying. So glad to be a dude too! I like my low maintenance gender.
4) Trying to keep up with an 11 year old girl on her first trip to Disneyland is like trying to keep up with a crack addict looking for a fix. Get out of the way... Just hand her the money.
5) It's mid October... Why the hell am I sweating!? It's 85 degrees? That ain't right Southern California.
6) Meeting my fellow quitters is fun. JBradley and his awesome family were a joy to run into @Disneyland!
7) Imposing on your KTC family is a must! It builds this brotherhood and it solidifies every aspect of accountability. More than once I had bros post up for me because I was on the road. They jumped at it no questions asked and I never felt like I was imposing. It's how we do things. Hell... Trauma even did it without me asking a few times. He was getting antsy waiting for me to do it so he preempted my request. Thanks to Fleas and Trauma and NoMoreDip for keeping me on track.
8) This is the most profound/exciting one ~ it's possible, at this stage, to go days without even thinking of chew. Read that again. Soak it up. I had stretches of days where, other than posting roll or texting someone to do it for me, it NEVER crossed my mind. That's a beautiful thing boys and girls. It makes the hellish beginning worth every clawed inch forward.

So... Good vacation? Yeah, totally.

Happy to quit with you all!

Great thoughts Apple! I'm glad you survived your vacation with two girls. We are difficult and complicated but generally worth it. :)

Welcome back.

[AppleJack]

6 months ago the phrase "3 week Family Vacation" would have damn near sent me into a panic attack. Where the hell was I gonna stash that much Skoal!? How much should I take!? Can I retrofit some small portion of the Mustang's trunk to be a secret compartment!? (That sounds like a joke... It isn't! Some of you understand). Barring that I would maybe have to do a little research, maybe make a few calls to some mini-marts close by to where we were staying. My. God! The energy expended to feed my addiction. 192 days ago that would have been my focus of our family vacation.

Well... We just got back. Wow.
Miles driven... 2700
Money spent... +/- $6k
Fun had... Immeasurable
Chew hidden/consumed/bought... ZERO!

Here's a few things I learned on this vacation:
1) Central California from, like, Chico down past LA is an armpit. Why the hell do people live there!? I had some people tell me it has its own kinda charm. Nope. You're wrong. And you drive like retards. (My apologies to my brothers and sisters who live there... No offense!)
2) Driving 2700 miles in a 5 speed manual Mustang is fun AND torture.
3) I love my wife and daughter but... Traveling with 2 females and sharing one bathroom most of the time is, um, trying. So glad to be a dude too! I like my low maintenance gender.
4) Trying to keep up with an 11 year old girl on her first trip to Disneyland is like trying to keep up with a crack addict looking for a fix. Get out of the way... Just hand her the money.
5) It's mid October... Why the hell am I sweating!? It's 85 degrees? That ain't right Southern California.
6) Meeting my fellow quitters is fun. JBradley and his awesome family were a joy to run into @Disneyland!
7) Imposing on your KTC family is a must! It builds this brotherhood and it solidifies every aspect of accountability. More than once I had bros post up for me because I was on the road. They jumped at it no questions asked and I never felt like I was imposing. It's how we do things. Hell... Trauma even did it without me asking a few times. He was getting antsy waiting for me to do it so he preempted my request. Thanks to Fleas and Trauma and NoMoreDip for keeping me on track.
8) This is the most profound/exciting one ~ it's possible, at this stage, to go days without even thinking of chew. Read that again. Soak it up. I had stretches of days where, other than posting roll or texting someone to do it for me, it NEVER crossed my mind. That's a beautiful thing boys and girls. It makes the hellish beginning worth every clawed inch forward.

So... Good vacation? Yeah, totally.

Happy to quit with you all!

[Jlud007]

Well put AJ I have had similar experiences and I keep quit. No numbing no filters no security blankets....I keep going cause I got guys like you in my corner...quit on bro

Right back atcha m'man...

AJ, your update was perfect. I much like you have had that few seconds where I contemplated "would it makes things better", only I determined that although a few minutes of drug induced mental elevation weren't worth having to sneak around hiding it from my wife and kids, putting a cog into my 70+ days of quit on here, or better yet letting myself down. I promised today and that is all that I care about.

I would quit with you any damn day brother!

Pinched

I think I will stay quit with ya'll today. ;)

Thanks AJ. I was just browsing here a bit today and found your update here. Reading your post was just one of those moments here where you hit on something and say, that's exactly how I've been feeling!

I'll quit with you today!

[rickddd]

I was all set to post this brilliant update that made everyone think, "Wow!", that was AWESOME! Yeah... not so much :P
I've been reading through intros the last few days... newbies and not-so-newbies and I've seen a subtle, yet common, thread. It basically boils down to this... "Life has dealt me 'THIS' piece of crap but I'm dealing with it and I'm still QUIT!".

I have found this VERY interesting/sad/confusing/frustrating/perplexing.
What I set out to post was just a gripe about life in general... I have an old friend who has a stomach mass that we're hoping isn't cancer, my wife's gramma died, my recent plumbing re-pipe cost me $11,000, my job keeps having bits and pieces cut... blah, blah, blah. Through this all I'm still QUIT too! With effort but... I'm rock solid. What I've found interesting is that, by and large, we are all having to learn to cope with life without a filter or securilty blanket of a drug (nicotine). I have REALLY wanted to dip this last few weeks! I took a real hard look at myself this weekend and really contemplated what going to the store, buying a can, and filling my face would do for me. Aside from the obvious that it would do NOTHING to solve anything going on in my life I really, truly understood, my addiction to be a thing of avoidance. I want something else to fix everything.

Duh.

Ain't gonna happen.

It may hurt a little (or alot) but being fully present without a drug is kind of a rush. Every situation I overcome without nicotine, makes me the person I was made to be. Life sucks sometimes... that's normal! I'm stoked to be dealing with it as a "whole" person. No filters, no security blanket, no crutch. 160 days free. That's pretty damn cool.

Great stuff, Apple. should be required reading IMO. proud to quit with you today, keep on rockin!

[srans]

Well put AJ I have had similar experiences and I keep quit. No numbing no filters no security blankets....I keep going cause I got guys like you in my corner...quit on bro

Right back atcha m'man...

AJ, your update was perfect. I much like you have had that few seconds where I contemplated "would it makes things better", only I determined that although a few minutes of drug induced mental elevation weren't worth having to sneak around hiding it from my wife and kids, putting a cog into my 70+ days of quit on here, or better yet letting myself down. I promised today and that is all that I care about.

I would quit with you any damn day brother!

Pinched

I think I will stay quit with ya'll today. ;)

[Pinched]

Well put AJ I have had similar experiences and I keep quit. No numbing no filters no security blankets....I keep going cause I got guys like you in my corner...quit on bro

Right back atcha m'man...

AJ, your update was perfect. I much like you have had that few seconds where I contemplated "would it makes things better", only I determined that although a few minutes of drug induced mental elevation weren't worth having to sneak around hiding it from my wife and kids, putting a cog into my 70+ days of quit on here, or better yet letting myself down. I promised today and that is all that I care about.

I would quit with you any damn day brother!

Pinched