Day 1... I quit

[AppleJack]

Day 13... Had my first dip dream last night. Holy Mother of God. It was an evil bomb dropped into my brain. It's all a li'l foggy now but, in the dream, I didn't even want it. No crave - no jones... It was just routine. I also recall being indifferent in the dream... Didn't really take any enjoyment from it. The truly scary part is this: How easily, how quickly I was ready to lie about it and hide it. Do I really need to confess? It's just this once... I'll sweep it under and just move on. It won't affect my relationships/day count/integrity/self-worth. I'm good, I can handle it.

I must've spent most of the night in that half sleep stage... The "quit" me fighting with the evil dream me. Half asleep rational mind fighting with that deep subconscious monster of dream land. I am funked up and tired today. If ever I had any lingering doubts about my status, my reality, as an addict... They are so much dust in the wind right now. How easily I considered lying and hiding and justifying that dream dip was damn terrifying. Just one doesn't happen for me. I. Will. Die.
My addiction will see to it... I can't edit or moderate my intake. I'm still jumpy and vibrating from adrenaline 5 hrs after waking up. Here's what I know... That dream was a glimpse of what could be. My reality... I am quit today. Damn right!

[adam1974]

I'm with you bud! You're doing great. Positive reinforcement. I would not be doing my KTC duty though if I didn't say: Don't fuck up! Text me before you fuck up. I'll PM you my number.

[Souliman]

Keep fighting brother. Anger seems to be a problem for all of us at one point or another during the quit. Just remember fences can be mended but your word cannot. Sometimes, you got to uncork to keep on the path. Keep up the good work.

[traumagnet]

I can totally relate bout pissed myself when I read "didnt bitch slap anyone today"...holy shit if I would have been allowed to bitch slap everyone I thought that needed it in my first 10 days my arms would have been worn out. keep up the good quit.
qfl brother

[Radman]

10 days. Cold turkey, no fake stuff. Fog is gone. I actually slept more than 4 hours and didn't wake up sweating my wife outa the bed. Didn't bitch slap anyone but the nic bitch no matter how irritable I was/am at times. All you vets have harped on the One Day At A Time mindset... I freakin' get that today. It's one thing to hear it and understand it from an intellectual standpoint... Something else altogether when your sanity and health depend on UNDERSTANDING it! I can do it again today. I feel better, feel sharper, feel like I'm more "present" in every conversation or interaction. That kicks ass. Extra bene... 10 days, 2 cans/day @$6... I didn't pay the Bitch $120 out of my family's needs. Today... I QLF!!

Beautiful. The plan is coming together.
Congratulations, brother.

[AppleJack]

10 days. Cold turkey, no fake stuff. Fog is gone. I actually slept more than 4 hours and didn't wake up sweating my wife outa the bed. Didn't bitch slap anyone but the nic bitch no matter how irritable I was/am at times. All you vets have harped on the One Day At A Time mindset... I freakin' get that today. It's one thing to hear it and understand it from an intellectual standpoint... Something else altogether when your sanity and health depend on UNDERSTANDING it! I can do it again today. I feel better, feel sharper, feel like I'm more "present" in every conversation or interaction. That kicks ass. Extra bene... 10 days, 2 cans/day @$6... I didn't pay the Bitch $120 out of my family's needs. Today... I QLF!!

[Bean]

My two cents...you may have read them on here before...

"One day at a time" is your new way of life. The thought of "quitting forever" was (almost) overwhelming at 5 to 7 weeks. My thoughts would jump ahead to that first Thanksgiving, Christmas, fishing trip, etc. (insert milestone). I just didn't believe in myself...and the self-doubt made it even worse.

Then I came across the same old words I'd seen here a million times...ONE DAY AT A TIME.

See, nobody is asking you to "quit forever." Quitting forever is hard...really hard. So, don't try to do it. In fact, don't even think about tomorrow, next week, next year, etc. We'll figure those out when they get here. You just get through today. Anybody can go one day, right?

Don't worry about what you can't control. You can't change the past...forget it. The future isn't here yet...forget it. Just worry about today. Post roll, give us your word, and fight like Hell to keep it. That's all there is to it.

Like that joke about how to eat an elephant...one bite at a time. How are you going to stay quit? One day at a time.

You can do this, brother!

[Radman]

Thank you, bro! I do get your point loud and clear. I will not take for granted some of the things that come easy. I will gear up for a fight, I will gear up for bad days, I will reach out for help or a kick in the ass. 25 years is a serious addiction... I screwed with my health and every aspect of my personality. KTC is a blessing/lifeline and I WILL honor my quit and quit group. Thanks for your example...

'clap' 'clap' 'clap'

Nicely said, AppleJack!! Excellent attitude.

I agree with everything KC Bronco said.

[AppleJack]

Thank you, bro! I do get your point loud and clear. I will not take for granted some of the things that come easy. I will gear up for a fight, I will gear up for bad days, I will reach out for help or a kick in the ass. 25 years is a serious addiction... I screwed with my health and every aspect of my personality. KTC is a blessing/lifeline and I WILL honor my quit and quit group. Thanks for your example...

[KC Bronco]

Hang in there Apple Jack. I'm a 25 year addict and on Day 148 of my Quit. You must keep your guard up at all times. What's crazy for me....I found the first 5 days to be the easiest. Everyone has different experiences...It was around day 60 or 70 when I about lost it. The first few days were like..."Look at me...I'm quit! Kodiak is a pussy. I'm kicking the can's ass. I don't use tobacco anymore".....and then about 5-7 weeks later The Nic Bitch dug her claws into me and begged me to come back. She still begs me to come back. I miss her a lot.....But I will NOT FUCKING CHEW ANY MORE!

Just had to vent a little...You get the point right? Keep it up. This shit is hard but so worth it. I have a 8 year old son and 6 year old daughter. They need me. I don't need Kodiak anymore.

Good luck buddy. I know you can do it. KC Bronco

[AppleJack]

Thanks guys. Despite being ass-tired... I feel liberated. Does that make sense? I was driving home from work to pick up my daughter at school today. It's the first time, ever, that I didn't worry about getting there on time because I didn't "have" to pick up a tin or two. It hit me how pathetic that was. How truly depraved and pathetic that I thought of that crap first. Damn. Not anymore. Not. Anymore. 7 days quit today. Many more to come...

[SirDerek]

I used for 25 years guys. Last thing before bed was a big ol' security blanket dip. So, I know exactly why sleep is screwy. I'm gonna try the melatonin and herbal teas... Anything! I do realize I can't undo in 6 days what I just spent 25 years screwing up. Thanks for the positive and the patience you all dish out. Proud to be 5 days quit!

Hey AJ -

another point - in your early quit your body is physically fighting, so you will get tired. Even though the sleep at night may be messed up a little if you can go ahead and take cat naps during the day. This will help as you gain that rest time.

[AppleJack]

I used for 25 years guys. Last thing before bed was a big ol' security blanket dip. So, I know exactly why sleep is screwy. I'm gonna try the melatonin and herbal teas... Anything! I do realize I can't undo in 6 days what I just spent 25 years screwing up. Thanks for the positive and the patience you all dish out. Proud to be 5 days quit!

[Wt57]

Day 4... Doing better than I thought I would ever be doing. Sleep though!? Holy Lord, I need some sleep! Between the fog (which isn't too bad) and the lack of sleep, I'm even more useless and funk'd out. Sleeping pills, sleep aids... Good idea or bad idea?

Applejack,, glad to have you aboard. My two cents which, isn't much I tell you. I had such a rough time sleeping my first couple weeks. I tried benadrill (spelling all fudged up) which didn't work. I didn't try anything else. I have heard before that nyquil works.
Apple jack the first couple weeks are just seriously jacked up, but things get so much better as the days stack up. I don't know how long you used,, but your mind has to rewire which takes time and unfortunately sleep is one thing the mind does not do well when rewiring after using nicotine for unteen years.
I'm on day 66 and my sleep is fine now,,, as a matter of fact it's better than ever.
Push through this,, keep your quit close, everything gets better one day at a time. Glad to be quit with you.

I used melatonin. The main concern is staying quit.

[srans]

Day 4... Doing better than I thought I would ever be doing. Sleep though!? Holy Lord, I need some sleep! Between the fog (which isn't too bad) and the lack of sleep, I'm even more useless and funk'd out. Sleeping pills, sleep aids... Good idea or bad idea?

Applejack,, glad to have you aboard. My two cents which, isn't much I tell you. I had such a rough time sleeping my first couple weeks. I tried benadrill (spelling all fudged up) which didn't work. I didn't try anything else. I have heard before that nyquil works.
Apple jack the first couple weeks are just seriously jacked up, but things get so much better as the days stack up. I don't know how long you used,, but your mind has to rewire which takes time and unfortunately sleep is one thing the mind does not do well when rewiring after using nicotine for unteen years.
I'm on day 66 and my sleep is fine now,,, as a matter of fact it's better than ever.
Push through this,, keep your quit close, everything gets better one day at a time. Glad to be quit with you.