Wow. What a day, …I mean just look at this. It’s insane. My friend Starr put it best in a text to me earlier today, “I bet 1 year ago when you came to KTC, you had no idea how this was going to impact you.” He’s damn right. 1 year ago, I would never have thought that I would have 30+ new phone numbers of friends across the nation and countless others who post support to me, read my posts, or just simply just ride this ride of quit with me every day. My gratitude for all of you extends further than you will ever know.
Today, I sit back and look at the monument of quit I have built, fortified, and polished every day. ItÂ’s massive and itÂ’s mine. My quit; for me. You all have your quits and I hope to be a stone in your foundation too so that you can step back and look at your quit with the same admiration that I bestow upon mine. If thereÂ’s one thing IÂ’ve learned throughout my trials and tribulations here at KTC, is that the monument you build can never be big enough. Addiction is huge. If you want to beat addiction you need to build your quit bigger than that addiction; to the point where addiction is merely a piece of whale shit at the bottom of the ocean in comparison. This is where I am today. What follows will close the loop and I need to post it so that I never forget.
This is where I was 366 days ago:
It’s 1:30AM and time to pull out that double pinch I’ve been chewing on for the last 4 hours and go to bed. I head to the bathroom and lean over to the toilet, and with 1 finger dig into a corner of my wad and pry it out directly into the bowl. Flush it down; checking to make sure all the flecks flushed so that there is no inconspicuous evidence of late night dipping. At the sink, I swish and spit a couple of times, and watch the whirlpool of remaining flecks go down into the drain. My lip is raw. Feels like pruned fingertips after a long hot shower. I pull down my bottom lip and like I’m some oral specialist I gaze into the mirror inspecting for anything that doesn’t look like it should be there. Seems ok (I guess). Then I open up my mouth and stick out my tongue. Anything? Nope, nothing yet. I say to myself, “Dammit, I don’t see shit. Why won’t this sore throat go away. I’ve had it for 5 months. ENT can’t see anything, what the hell is causing it?” I brush up and go to bed. Wake up the next morning with my usual persistent headache and unexplained sinus pressure. This has been going on daily for 2 months. I’m pretty stressed out and scared at this point. I’m a healthcare professional with graduate degrees, so I should know what’s going on right? The fact of the matter is, I haven’t a clue. I don’t know shit and I can’t figure this out. I’m downright scared. I know I need to quit; shit, I’ve been trying to quit for the past 3 years, but every time I try, I fail …within hours. I can’t sleep, I’m anxious, I’m short-tempered, and feel like I’m on the cusp of a nervous break down.
Never again. That is my promise to me.
