I've never written a speech here, no HOF, no Hall of Legend,...nothing. Reason being, every time I thought I had this all figured out, something slapped me in the face to make me realize I had more to learn. To this day, I continue to learn ...I learn from people in their first month of quit to those who have quit for 10 years or more. You can always take something from someone.
Anyhow, I had written this piece but never posted it. I wanted to post it in my intro, hopefully there's a nugget or two that offers some semblance of wisdom for a few quitters. Lord knows, I've taken my share of nuggets from them.
My Selfish Selfless Quit
4 years ago, at this time, I was approaching my pinnacle of desperation. A nagging sore throat for the past 3 months, stress, constant sinus pressure, and a wife who has given up on my addiction Â…nothing could give me any reprieve from reaching for that tin.
I donÂ’t know what it was one day, but after having parked my car in the parking garage and beginning my walk into the office, I not only threw out the fatty in my lip, but also the entire tin. IÂ’ve done this before, only to buy a new tin at lunchtime or on my way home. But, this time, I didnÂ’t. There was this wellness counselor at work that I started seeing for support. After the first 2 weeks, as usual, I failed miserably; and I felt like a complete douche telling her that I caved, Â…every day thus far. I didnÂ’t want to fail her again so on that day I tossed the tin. It was the last time. In hindsight, she gave me something I hadnÂ’t ever realizedÂ…accountability. It had been there all along with my wife, but, if I failed herÂ…nothing would happen; there were no repercussions. It was the counselorÂ’s disappointment that made it click for me.
Quitting must start as a self-indulgent endeavor. It will never work unless you want it for yourself first and foremost. We have all tried quitting for others, Â…people we love: family, wife, kids, etc. All noble reasons, but they never work. You have to want it for yourself before everything else. All of those people around you benefit from your quit. However, you can use them for fuel. Accountability. The counselor made me scratch the surface of accountability, but it wasnÂ’t until I met some of these faceless people on this website, that showed me the true definition of accountability. To think that there are people, most who you never meet, share a single purposeÂ…to help you save your life from the addiction of nicotine, every day is humbling to say the least. I owe it to them to stay quit; and they owe it to me. The fear, disgust, and pure shame of letting these people down have become unfathomable in my mind.
And now, my quit has evolved into both a selfish and selfless endeavor. Posting roll isnÂ’t just about me anymoreÂ…itÂ’s about something much bigger than me. And thatÂ’s what accountability has ultimately given me. A new life, free of nicotine, and full of people whom I wouldnÂ’t know if it werenÂ’t for my accountability to them. ItÂ’s a conditional relationship however. Break that accountability and I / we could lose everything. But, thatÂ’s not what I want. Because this is still my quit, and IÂ’m not losing anything.
