ODAAT - One Day At A Time - I'm gonna break the record for the longest intro.
My story about landing here is probably one of the most unique on this board.
I started dipping when I was 14-15 years old, can't really remember. I wanted to be part of this cool crowd at school who was doing it. I did eventually, and now I don't speak to or engage any of these people at all. (Remember the "cool crowd" comment, I'll come back to it at the very end). Once or twice and I was addicted, BAD. Ever since then I've almost always had a can. Copenhagen or Kodiak.
Fast forward to 2001 and it's five years after I got married. I told my wife I would quit, used patches for a couple weeks, and then went off patches for a couple weeks. Then right back on the shit yet again. But I didn't tell my wife. Over the past 10 years I have become masterful at hiding it.
Compartments in the car or my truck, throwing away debit card receipts, being real careful she didn't look over my shoulder when I was doing the budget. Finding reasons to leave the house alone so I could go out and dip. Dipping at work with my office door closed and getting pissed every time someone would knock. Having a dip in when my boss would come by and having to swallow the shit until he left. Not being able to wait until I dropped the kids off at school when I could get the dip in my mouth. You name it I did it. For 10 Y-E-A-R-S.
Over the past three or four years I started having real problems with stress. Blood pressure was going up. Frequent headaches. Tightness in the chest. Anxiety to the point of nausea. The last day I dipped was January 31, 2011. I had four dips that day. Morning, before lunch, after lunch and on the way home. My head hurt so bad and my chest was so tight I thought I was going to throw up. That's when I came to the realization this was killing me.
I quit on January 1st of this year, for a whole 48 hours. By Sunday the 2nd when my wife drove to the airport to pickup my daughter I was in the car buying another can. On the 31st, I was laying on the bed upstairs after work feeling so horrible, ashamed and stupid that I knew it was time.
So, I stumbled across this site on Day One. I went into the chat room first as "anon" and sat there for a minute. Within 3 seconds about 3-4 people acknowledged my entry into the room. Scared the shit out of me. So I jumped out. Later that day I came back as Day1. The guys welcomed me and talked a little bit, and mentioned this roll thing and joining up to the site. I didn't want to do it. For some reason I didn't want to feel connected.
Next day I came back as Day2. This time the group got a little more aggravated. They kept asking me to post roll and I actually did try to sign up on the site several times throughout the day, although nobody believed that. Next day, logged in as Day3. I was feeling like total shit and all I wanted to do was talk, and that's when klark showed up. I won't go into any details, but after I came to and wiped the blood off my face I didn't know if I wanted to come back. He beat me up pretty bad. But, being the subborn ass that I am, I came back for Day4. Klark beat me up again, and tarpon managed to get some kidney jabs in too. Tarpon told me on Monday, when I came back as Day1 again, that I had to sign up and do it his way. Klark called me a liar and said I probably had a dip in right at that moment.
At this point I was pissed. Who the hell do these guys think they are anyway? Face to face I would have already thrown a punch or two or ten, who knows. But why? There's a reason why I was so mad....and it had nothing to do with them.
I came back Monday as Day7 just to prove to these assholes that I could make it that far. But that didn't buy me anything. Tarpon was cordial for a few minutes...but then klark showed up. I remember typing "oh crap" when he did. After a few minutes he had me gridlocked at my computer and the site creator, named chewie, was online asking for my info to register for the site. Honestly, I did get an error every time I tried on my own. Also honestly, if I really had wanted to sign up I could have done it. I just didn't want to invest the time.
Within five minutes I was back in chat....this time as ODAAT. Everyone welcomed me into chat, but because they didn't know who I was. It was fun for a few minutes until I told them. I posted roll that day for the first time.
That night I went to sleep and woke up with the typical night sweats that you get in the first couple weeks. But something was different. I woke up in a panic because I didn't want to forget to post roll the next day. It's all I could think about, getting back to the site and proving to klark, tarpon and everyone else who kicked my ass for a week that I could do it. I was still carrying anger towards everyone on here. So the question of why crept back...
While driving to work one day I started to break down. Tears welled up that I fought back as much as I could. It was then that I learned why. I am an addict. Addicted to nicotine for the rest of my life. I mean...I can't be an addict!!! Those are losers who appear on TV and have interventions and lie about their habit and hide it and stay disconnected because of it....oh my God....does this sound familiar? It was my friend, my helper who was always there. Got me through stressful times. Made me feel alert. Gave me a quick "rush" that felt good. And I had to say goodbye....forever.
Why am I here? Because I came here on my own. Because I was serious where the other 25-30 times I wasn't. I came here for my own reasons. But when I arrived, I found a reason to stay. I found brothers and sisters who have fought this addiction, and fight it every day. I found people who will listen when you need it, kick you in the balls when you need it, or just be plain goofy and funny when you need it. In other words, after 24 years of trying, I found that "cool crowd" I had been seeking for so long. And they will be here for me, and I will be here for them, for the rest of my life. No expiration date.
I am grateful to be here....and I QUIT.
