Day 50
As usual with my intro page posts, a bit wordy and philosophical, but thought I'd share anyway. Some light reading material if you're bored this lovely Friday.
Last night I learned that there can actually be two kids of dip dreams: The traditional nightmare-style 'dipmare' we usual refer to here, or another more positive, quit-reinforcing kind. The one I had last night was of the later variety.
So in dip dream 2.0, I'm rummaging through junk in the garage and happen to come across a can of Kodiak, one I must have squirrelled away long ago and forgotten about....and of course missed in my day 1 round up. I shake it, it's not empty. Decision time. For a minute I think "I'll just put this aside", then I change my mind and realize that I need to flush it right away. As I'm dumping the can in the toilet, I realize suddenly that there is a dip in my mouth. " Ah shit, not again!" I think. I start to panic, but only for a split second this time. KTC, my quit, my resolve don't count for anything here in this dream space as it's not really me that's in control of my dream, but rather my subconscious. But something funny happens. Even inside of my dream, with my subconscious completely in the driver's seat, I think "a real dip in my mouth?....that is NOT possible".
At that point in the dream I notice that the taste of this dip is different. It's sweet and definitely not Tobacco. "Oh, it's only a fake mint dip that I have in. No problem. I didn't cave" I think. My dream continues on, finding more stashed cans and dumping/flushing each of them. Emotionless, without a thought. Eventually it transitions to spitting out my fake dip but not being able to get it all out and I seem to keep finding and pulling out strands of fake dip in my mouth through the rest of my dream. Even though I know it's fake, I find it disgusting.
That's all I can remember as my mind must have moved on to something else in dreamland. Another place were my subconscious could operate with impunity against my conscious will.
Powerful shit.....of the positive variety. I always felt like my quit and my resolve were strong before, but never did I think my firewall against the bitch could extend into my subconscious. Wow, that is a feeling that is hard to describe. Anyone else ever experiences something similar? I can think of a whole bunch of dreams I've had in the past where I did things that I my conscious would never allow for in real life, but that's because (at least in my experience) conscious thought never really seemed to exist before in my dreams. It's like it was just switched off, not even there, not at my disposal, didn't even exist. Not sure if that's normal, but that usually how my dream go anyway (when evaluated in hindsight)
What's even more funny is that I don't even know what fake mint dip even tastes like....never had it, never used seeds or the fake stuff. If I had to guess this little snippet of dream came from reading Ginet's post about picking up some Smokey Mountain the other day, but who knows.
Anyway, rambling on. Hard to explain, but this dream elicited a new feeling on confidence in my quit. Over the past 50 days I've been die hard in my resolve to quit, but having faltered in my attempts to quit before (before I joined KTC) and knowing my human weaknesses, there was always this tiny little thought in the back of my head that occasionally cast a shred of doubt over whether I will truly succeed this time. That thought, that last little holdout of self doubt just got squashed.
I CAN do this. I AM doing this. I am QUIT and I am WINNING!
I once used the analogy of being in a tug of war with the nic bitch to compare the strength of my quit to the strength of her pull. She's no longer evenly matched with me, or even just slightly losing her grip. She done slipped, fell down, and is now getting dragged through the mud. Sure, she's still kicking and pulling, so I can't let go of the rope, but she's done for.
