A couple of weeks ago I decided to leave this site and not post up until day 300 of my quit. I felt like I needed a break and "the announcement" gave me the perfect opportunity to make a scene and create a situation where I had to stay away to keep my integrity. That was bullshit. The truth is, I was having a hard time and I was feeling aggressive in my day to day life. Blaming this site was easy. My enormous online penis equalled a cocky persona in real life. I kicked a guy in the knee during a soccer game and I immediately realized I had gone off the deep end. Some guy called me "angry" soon after and I squeezed his balls as hard as I could and immediately subbed myself off the field. He was right.
Anyways, over the last few weeks I have visited the site and read some new and old Hall of Fame speeches along with some Introduction section posts. I couldn't bring myself to log-in as Smokeyg because then people would know that I had visted the site. My awesomeness would be diminished in some way. I was a martyr, fighting for the freedom of all....Whatever.
I read Greg's HOF speech and saw his shout out. I saw Theo's avatar message. I read Scooterscum's speech and revisited Samsdad's HOF speech. All reminded me that I still play a part in many people's quits and that my absence was selfish. You son's o' bitches made me log on 5 days sooner than I had planned. Actually, all you son's o' bitches made me log on 5 days sooner than I planned. I need support in my quit. I have built real relationships with many people on this site - especially my August brothers.
When I logged on this evening to post roll with the Bamfers, I saw that I had 16 personal messages. I made it through about number 5 before I started tearing up. At about message 10 I was full on crying. No one said anything super special or uber gay, but the support that this site showed during my absence, even though it was a dipshit absence, really hit home with me. Two people on this website have my e-mail address and new phone number. Neither of them contacted me. They knew I needed my space. BBJ sought out my phone number and texted me. He knew I needed support. I have never felt so much love. My time away has made the "internet personas" real to me. You are all a real part of my life and I need you to keep my quit. I thought I could make it without you but the bitch came back. I came nowhere near to caving, but I damn well thought about it. Recent HOFers....stick around, eh?
Admins - no hard feelings on my part. I know that "announcement" wasn't completely directed towards me. I am a blow-hard and chose to use that as a way to create some accountability for myself to stay away for a while. I didn't mean insult your decision in any way. Actually, at the moment, I did. But, I needed that time off to remember the big picture of what this site is all about. Shit, I even had the thought that Chewless Jim orchestrated the whole fucking thing on my behalf. Either way, CJ, thanks for paying attention to what I wasn't able to admit to myself.
I always regretted not setting up an introduction page to bitch and brag about my quit. Now I have one. Feel free to stop by anytime. Bitches.
Dave - 295+
