Thanks guys! Ok so I think I am in the "tolerable" stage of this. My dizziness has slowed down a lot. the anxiety is still alive and well but it too has slowed down. none of my symptoms are 100% of the time anymore. I was thinking back to just how bad it was a few weeks ago. I was barely capable of rational thought at times. Now, at times It gets quite difficult to handle and get myself calmed down, but it is not constant. For that, I am extremely relived. as long as I stay busy and positive I can get an hour or two at a time without thinking about the bad stuff at all. It is usually only 1 or 2 hours of the day that i really struggle hard.
My concentration sucks ass. I know this is not unique to me. It actually makes me laugh at times. its as though my thoughts are on a conveyor belt moving briskly across my mind. if i don't say what they are before they get to the other side they are gone haha. it only seems to happen when I am talking to someone though. I have, for the most part moved away from the constipated phase and on to the shit my brains out once a day phase. That may have to do with my appetite starting to come back. At times its back with a vengeance. after I am home and settled in my chair I start to get some really bad munchies.
MY eyes are starting to work for me again and not see everything so different. at times I'm foggy but nothing like it was. That was a major contributor to my anxiety so I am glad. Man that fog was just unreal.
my dreams are still pretty crazy. I have had two nights when I woke up in the middle of the night ashamed of myself and so let down because i had very vivid dreams that i caved. I think it is a good sign that even in my dream I was very upset with myself. the thought of "big bob- day 1, no nic today" is unimaginable. sleep is still pretty irregular. it takes a while to fall a sleep. I get up quite a few times during the night. Some days i wake up and feel like i got no sleep. some days i wake up and I feel pretty well rested. i sweat a lot when i sleep still, but not enough to be soaked.
I think one of the biggest things that has changed this week is a whole lot of acceptance. I accept that I am a nic junkie and can never have any again. this was made certain in my brain while watching oceans 11. Seeing a Character puffing on a cigar. I started to romanticize it and got excited about the nicer weather and cigar time. Then I pulled the E brake. as if grabbing a spinning record at a party in my mind, Said " what the fuck is wrong with your?" after the worst 43 days in your life? Its amazing how that bitch can infiltrate our brains. Next up is accepting that this sucks balls, and will probably continue to suck balls for a while. perhaps a longer while than I anticipated. I guess Ill try to make lemonade and hope that I will feel great and happy as ever sooner than later.
An interesting note that I don't know were else to put.. I don't know if it is because my relief that I am not crazy, or the lack of nicotine, but I noticed that I listen to a lot more songs. Not that I hear them, I listen to them. I have been a musician for a long time and I never noticed this. A song came on the radio the other day and I listened to it while driving, but I realized I had not really let the words register with me and hear the song like that in years. then It happened with a few other songs. I find that I used to have the radio on just for background noise. I couldn't tell you more than 5 words to a song released in the last decade. So that was a cool discovery, be it coincidence, a byproduct of my emotional state, nicotine abstinenceÂ… whatever.
No baby yet. I am very anxious about it. both in a good and bad way. today is the due date. Hope he comes this weekend. It is a pretty big stressor. I just want to use what I learned here to help wifeÂ…and meÂ… grind it out one minute at a time if need be, and meet me new fishing buddy. Reminding myself that I will be anxious, but the happiest day of my life is on the other side.
thanks for listening guys! more than anything I think i need this post as a manifesto of sorts. Now that I have committed this to the intro I have no other choice but to recognize things are getting better, even when my anxiety gets high and I feel I have made no progress.
