I noticed some weird shit happening to me today, so I wanted to write it down.
This is Day 21 of my quit and I am a grumpy SOB today. It was one of those days that I had to remember my grandma saying “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” I was really quiet today.
The fog returned tonight. My wife and I went to dinner and I was getting out of the car and as I stood up I started spinning and I had to put my hand out against the side of the car to prevent myself from falling over. I must have looked like a drunk driver. When we were inside the restaurant, they called my name to seat us and I just went blank, my wife looks at me and says “are you ok?” I can see her talking to me, but it’s like the volume was turned down. It’s really a strange experience, walking in the fog is an excellent metaphor.
The poor waitress, she was really nice but dumber than a bag of hammers. She screwed everything up on our order and I was about to lose it. I guess I looked pissed because my beautiful loving wife says “is there anything I can help you with Dear?” I smiled and relaxed, reminding myself to just enjoy being with her.
We finish dinner and headed home, about a 15 minute drive. When I arrive home I am feeling so foggy, so bitchy, so fucking irritated for no reason other than for the first time in over 22 years there is no nicotine pumping through my veins.
I sit down and start to journal this and I became really emotional. This is not something that I am used to feeling but itÂ’s like this pent up frustration started boiling out of me. I feel like I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs. Instead, tears started rolling from my eyes. I realize I have been lying to myself and my family while secretly killing myself a little each day for the past 22 years.
How did I let this happen? Am I one of those boiled frogs? What I do know is that I will never allow it to happen again. From today forward I am basing my family relationships on honesty and full disclosure. There can be no other way.
What really pisses me off is that my addiction to nicotine created all the bullshit that I think I am missing without it. All the triggers that are creating this massive craving, frustration and irritabilityÂ… They are all created by the addiction. It is a vicious cycle, and unless I made the decision stop, it would keep on going until my death. That will not happen, not any more. I decided.
Today I understand my addiction better
Today I am a better man
Today I am quit
