So Today is going on my 5th day I have put down dipping. Not any easier than day 3 or 4. I was able to drink alcohol this weekend without dipping. I believe alcohol is one of my triggers that spark an internal debate in my head about why I should be dipping at that moment. I gained 5 pounds already. I can't stop putting gum, candy and food in my mouth. My wife told me that if gaining 10 pounds is a side effect, then you can live with that. "take one step at a time and focus on stopping" , then, "you can focus on your weight gain. I have found that cinnamon gum works the best to sooth the craving for a little while. Anyway, on day 5 and telling everyone I see about it. I just told a co-worker that I'm stopping because I'm 40. Told him that anything after that you are just going against the odds that something will happen to you related to tobacco use. High blood pressure, stoke, cancer, all that stuff. Just ate a half a roll of Mentos* while typing this. OK... back to work.
So, I made it another day. Going on day 6. I would have thought that days 2 and 3 would be the worst days. But hell no! So far day 5 and 6 are the worst. Days 2-3 ...I was bewildered on how great I felt, how much energy I had, how excited it was, now that honey moon is all over. I'm just left with myself now and the boredom of work. Work is when I dipped the most. I have my own office and I'm the boss, so I can get away with snuff in my face all day long. I have three open packs of gum and one Ice Breakers mints to the right of me now. At least my breath is better! I read some stuff on the website about spouses and what they should expect. I really never thought of it, but my wife (12 years) has never known me with out dip. I'm going to be a different person and that excites me. These are all just random thoughts that happened last night or this morning.....Someone just walked into my office and told me that It takes 27 (very specific) days to create a behavior in your brain. I said, cool! I need to make it through the month than and I will be the best gum chewer this side of the Mississippi. Day 6! Here I am!
P.S.
I'ts funny that since I'm announcing my stopping tobacco, everyone else around me is stopping too. Told my mother last night and she immediately said, me too. I think I started a very different MeToo movement.
Day: 7
I realized that I can kiss my wife more and more lately. I don't have to shy away from her just because a have a big fat dip in my lip that I don't want to be crushed between my cheek and gums. Just that simple thought brings me more joy than a dip of tobacco. I'm writing this all down so I can hold on to it. Hold on to the feeling that gets me through some tough times and cravings. Unreal how the mind works! It's like you have to play games with yourself just to distract from the cravings. One side of my brain is saying, everyone caves at one point...so you are only human...you can cave too...no big deal... you can always get back on track after just one more can of tobacco. The other side of my brain is saying...Don't do it! Look at all the things that have changed in your life in just a short period of time....Are you a wimp?! You are not a quitter!....think about your freedom! Its like a clash of the titans in my mind. Anyway day 7 feels like day 6...which was hard. The good news is that I didn't check my pockets this morning for a can of tobacco. Keys, Wallet, Phone, and that's it! No dip check! It's the small things....RIGHT!?
Day: 8
Feel like shit today. It almost feels like day zero for me. I woke up feeling guilty and it was almost like I dipped again. I wonder if I had a dip dream? I need to focus on the good stuff to get me through days like this. My poops are better. I have solid shit now that I stopped. Just opened my wallet and found a coupon for $5.00 of a roll of grizzly. Damn it! My immediate thought was that I can't waste $5.00...then ripped it up on anger. I just realized I'm still signed up for coupons for grizzly. I need to make it stop. Anyway, my dip cheek is almost back to normal. The inside of my cheek is not bleached white from all the dead cells getting slaughter from all that shit I put in my mouth. The skin inside my mouth would fall out in chunks. I have never told this to anyone before. It was my secret. I knew if I told someone that my cheek was falling off one layer at a time and still continued to dip they would loss a little respect for me. BECAUSE IT IS INSANE! Very crabby today. It's almost like I'm mad at myself for forcing myself not to chew. Mad because I'm denying myself. Fucking Crazy Shit Man!???? Positive: My cheek is all better, my poops are better, and I taste food more. Soooooo, I think that's a good win for me today.
P.S. It's been 8 days now...so why does it feel like 8 months? Why do I feel like I should reward myself over only 8 days? I got a sick mind right now.
Day: 9
I threw away a spitter this morning. It was a coffee cup full of my spit on my desk (with lid). I don't know why I kept it there for over a week now. I guess it was a reminder or it was that I wasn't very serious about stopping. I dumped it in the toilet and I vomited in my mouth because of the stench of it all. I dipped in front of anyone and had my spitter in plain sight to all. I realize now that, I was a very disgusting person. People must have really liked my personality in order to put up with that disgusting behavior. Anyway, I feel good day. I'm excited to reach double digits this weekend. My wife is being very supportive with me. She realized last night that she can kiss me anytime she wants and doesn't have to worry about dip. She was talking about french style if you know what I mean? Huba Huba..... Future me, Just remember how hard it has already been and to throw that away and start over would be crazy making.
Day: 12
So now that I'm serious about changing my life for the good. I'm 40 years old. I started dipping when I was a teenager. I would sneak dip from my Grandfather in the beginning and then find older kids to buy some for me. The only time before that I stopped using was when I joined the Marine Corps, but I never had the mindset that I would give it up for good. After Boot Camp I started dipping even more than before. Smoking was taboo in the Marines, but dipping, dipping was well accepted. I chewed Kodiak for years and then switched to Grizzly. I guess I like bears. I chewed until skin would fall out of my lip and cheek. I would chew about a can a day, if not more. At work I would only have about an hour or two that I didn't have dip in my mouth. I was surrounded by old coffee cups with spit in them. The inside of my lip stretched out so much that I have stretch wrinkles....even after 12 days they having gone back to normal. I don't know what happened but over the years it just wasn't ever enough for me. I just kept putting more and more shit in my mouth. I stopped smoking in 2005, and yes I was smoking and dipping...sometimes at the same time. Smoking was easier to stop because I had dip. This was and is hard! Day zero. I bought one can of dip and told myself it was the last. I dipped 3 times, then 2 times.(twice), and then on day zero I just dipped once over the course of 4 days. My name is Ken and I'm on day 12 of being Nic/tobacco free after it controlling my life for 24 years. It feels good!
Day: 13
Not much to say. I have been thinking a lot about my addiction and how it transformed into something more than what it really was. Late last night I had a revelation, something that I could have never admitted to when I was dipping. Here is my secret and most likely others that read this: I used dip as a reward to myself. It used to be that I would dip when I was doing outdoor things or cleaning the house or playing video games or working on something. It was the activity and then the dip. I turned the other way around sometime in my life were it was the dip and then the activity. Meaning, I would just do the activity so I could dip and dipping was the reward for doing the activity. It was a continuous loop of mind fuck games that got me stuck in a 24 year cycle.
I see people writing about freedom on this site. It's not just a thing to say. It's a feeling we feel after we quit!
Day: 22
This is for future Ken...Since last Thursday your mouth was been all jacked up. You were chewing your tongue and cheeks while you slept. You started to get sores inside of your gums...you started to get instant reactions to certain foods that made your cheeks swollen and discolored. A week later everything tastes extremely salty. Your cheeks are discolored. You still have a sore in the inside of your gums. I let you know this because....right now you are miserable. You used tobacco so long that it changed your mouth into something else. Now it is trying to get back to normal...( I hope). I tell you this, future Ken, because you are now realizing how powerful this addiction is and was. It was so powerful that you were hurting your mouth over and over again so much that it changed it, and you never thought twice about it. The addiction wouldn't allow you to think to much about it. You can never go back to that insanity. You are free now and you need to stay free.
To Be Continued...
Day: 30
So I think I should document the big wins. Wednesday this week a big snow storm can and fucked up the whole State. We lost power at the house around 5pm. There were cracking limbs and trees falling everywhere around the house and on the house. One tree limb (very large) fell on the house and rested right on top of the power lines that connect from the street to the home. Every 5 minutes a limb would fall. One almost hit our dog in the back yard, after a poo break. We got about 10 inches...and some snow (bad joke)...but really it was a lot of snow. I'm original from Minnesota and I have never seen it snow that dense before. I sleep with a C-pap* and needless to say I didn't get any sleep that night. The next morning, no power, drove around all morning looking for a generator as my family was freezing in the house. If I didn't have a truck I wouldn't have got out of the neighborhood. Found a generator and got some heat in the house. Long/short, If I were to cave, yesterday would have been that moment. It was very stressful, and I thought of dip about a hundred times yesterday. Power is back on this morning. All is well, still have a tree hanging off the side of the house. All is good. My mind just learned that I don't need dip in the most intense of situations. This is a BIG WIN in my book.
Day: 43
Wanted to make a quick note to myself. Took a lunch break at home....The sun is out and the snow is melting. Very beautiful day, the sunlight is shining off the snow and making me feel good about being alive. On my way back from work. I had an argument with myself for the whole 20 minutes in the truck. I was actually justify how good I felt and how good it would feel if I just put a dip in. I was debating getting a dip for 20 minutes. This has been the longest crave to date. Future Ken, you can do this buddy. Funny thing is, is that just today I was telling someone how vigilant you need to be and here I am needing my own advice, moments later. Keep it up.
Day: 49
Life seems to be coming at me so fast lately. A lot of things happening too close together. I have been feeling very emotional, I don't have dip to help me through these times and I think that is why my eyes sting and blur up at a moments notice. I'm experiencing hardship, heartache, and depression for the first time without nicotine to help me through. On very bad days, I question why I'm putting myself through this. Never question why I put myself in harms way with dip though. My wife thinks I'm on edge...argumentative, and short tempered. People at work think, I smile more and I'm more pleasant. I Don't know! A few weeks ago, during a snow storm where we lost power, my aunt went into the hospital to have her leg cut off, her kidneys failed in surgery and it doesn't look like she is long for the world. Found out that my cousins kidneys are down to 9% function, his father was supposed to donate a kidney but is dragging his feet. Now they are looking for another donor just in case the father doesn't' follow through. (thinking about doing it) I was suppose to go on a 3 day fishing trip. It was cancelled because the dog threw up blood and we had to monitor that little shit. A birthday trip. Found out on Monday that my wife's mother had a stroke. She lost speech and left side movement. Only a matter of time before she goes. Gained 20 pounds in 40 days, my back hurts now when I walk. I'm fat as shit and feeling bad about it. It was my birthday yesterday. It was the first time I have been nicotine free my adult life. That's crazy when you think about that. I actually cried, I mean water works and all, yesterday. I'm having a hard time controlling my emotions. After all this bullshit has been thrown at me and still piles on, I'm not going to chew tobacco any more. I realize, I need to relearn on how to get through the tough times without dip. I will not lie, It is a motherfucker, but if I can do it....then future Ken can do it too.
Thanks for the check in yesterday Batdad! It really meant a lot to me. You didn't even know it was my B-day.
Day: 57
I thought I would check in with myself today. Still going through some tough times. I do think about dip from time to time. Not so much anymore. I think I figured out the pattern with me and my cravings. I'm sure it is the same with just about everyone on this site....something strange struck me this morning that happened to me last week. I was talking to my mother, (very emotional)(My wife's mom is dying) and she told me something that I have read a few times that someone else or a few people have said on this site. She said: "That quitting nicotine is like losing your best friend". Now why would folks in this site and my mother say the same thing???????.......makes you wonder whether there is an angel directing your eyes and ears and making you focus on specific phrases of wisdom. Pretty cool that my mother said that to me. Any hour/day now we will get the phone call that my mother-in-law passes. I'm having to put my wife back together daily...and I don't know what I'm doing. I think I mastered the negative cravings, but I'm still on guard when the positive cravings finally come. Positive craving are when I'm feeling super-good and life couldn't be any better. Until then my friend....
Day: 70
I'm having a hard time with my cravings. They seem to be worse than normal. We just got back from my wife's mothers funeral on Monday. I just got on the scale again and see that I have gained 30 pounds now. My back is now hurting and its hard for me to walk for long before it hurts too much. I'm feeling sorry for myself and I have been trying to be strong for my wife, but haven't been good to myself. I'm drinking more than normal and it seems I am going from one funk to the next week after week. My wife told me not to be too hard on myself, but I disagree...It's getting harder for me to see why I quit in the first place if all this shit is happening to me. Shit, here we go again. My addicted mind going to town on me right now...trying to justify why I did this to myself for the sake of quitting tobacco. I'm strong enough to quit. I know it. I'm just getting tired of shit happening and it all seems right when I started quitting. I don't know if what I just wrote is my addict mind saying that or my self pity or I'm just run down. I'm going to Texas tomorrow to meet up with some old friends I haven't seen in years. My hope is that it will lift my spirits.
Self...you need to get in balance....get your mind right and get your body right....but don't sit around and wait for the right moment. Let's do it now. You did one of the hardest things an addict can do and quit nicotine...build on this quit and let it strengthen your resolve and build that self esteem you need to lose the weight....slow down on drinking and get some exercise you fat shit........and remember 70 days is seconds compared to the rest of your life.
