Hi, guys. I'm the wife of a dipper who's desperately trying to quit. He's been to this site many times in the past several months, even bought some Bac-Off based on other guys' recommendations, but he never joined the forums... so I did. I'm looking for some advice and maybe you fellas can help.
Don was doing so well. He had gone 16 days without a dip (his previous record was only 4 days). I thought he was truly beating this thing... Then yesterday he bummed a dip off of a co-worker (he's a cowboy by trade, and they all partake of some form of tobacco out on the ranch). Yeah. Not-happy-wifey.
I've read the Spousal Support, and I realize that my husband must first WANT TO quit in order to be free of the can... But the problem is he doesn't have the "want", and I'm afraid he never will. So is he.
He knows he needs to quit, that it's bad for his health and expensive and enslaving him, but he truly doesn't want to quit. He likes it too much. No matter how gross or humiliating or expensive or harmful it is, he still wants it. He's complained many times that everyone else wants him to quit except him.
The snuff has such a strong hold over him that it overrides everything else... It's like he can live without basic necessities--a home, good food, even me--but he HAS to have that snuff. He'd live in a shack and eat potatoes as long as he doesn't have to give up his Skoal. He can't seem to see (or care) how pathetic and weak his addiction makes him. He really is like Gollum from Lord of the Rings. He needs his "precious". I get so angry at him... It's like he has no sense of pride or personal dignity.
He got a raise recently, and even though he was quit at the time, he started "joking" about how now we can afford to buy his snuff. It's all he can think about! He's chewed gum until his mouth and tongue were blistered, the Bac-Off just makes him miss the real thing (he says), and I'm getting tired of him constantly needling me to "give him permission" to dip.
Guys, how did you find the "want to" that helped you decide to quit? I know Don can beat this thing once he find his "want", but he just can't find it. In some ways, I think he doesn't want to find it, because that would mean giving up his "precious". It's quite sad, really.
What do I have to do? I have been supportive, congratulating him and praising his efforts, I have been firm but forgiving when he backslides, but I'm beginning to seriously want to kick his ass. Don's even wished it were possible to beat the addiction out of him.
How can I help him? What can I do? I have led him to water, but he's not drinking (to use a metaphor). I know that nobody but Don can make Don drink that water, but if I don't keep him near that waterhole (i.e., frowning on his dipping, urging him to quit), he's going to wander off into the wilderness of Skoalville and never be heard from again. "Out of sight, out of mind", as the saying goes. As long as I'm not on him about quitting, he won't try. ARGH! 'bang head'
Don is not a selfish, greedy, bratty person. But this addiction has turned him into giant ass who only cares about himself, and satisfying his addiction.
Ugh. Sorry for the long-winded chick-post. Any advice (except divorce) is appreciated.
~Kitty Kate
