Just some random thoughts.
Being the conductor of the HoF train for January 2013 has taught me more than a few things. But some that really stand out are as follow:
1) Nicotine addiction really does know no bounds. There's no one group, culture, demographic, fuck, even gender, that it sticks to. Geographically, yeah, it's more widespread in some areas, but I welcomed a 60+ year old guy in, and tomorrow, a college sophomore.
2) Addiction is addiction. This has got to be the worst there is. Full disclosure: I've done more than my fair share of white powdered drugs in my past. After a while, I think you just get sick if it. You can walk away. After a day or two, or a trigger or two, most people are just done. I've seen alot if people just stop. I've never experienced anything like the clutches of nicotine. I believe in the idea that it is harder to kick than some hard drugs. I fully believe it. Some might say, "You're full of shit. When's the last time you saw someone crying in a dark back alley telling their dealer they'd suck their dick for some dip?" The shit costs $5 and is available every-fucking-where. Make it illegal, only available on the street raising it's price and lowering its availability, and I bet, before long, dip addicts would start emptying their own bank accounts, then resorting to selling shit, then resorting to stealing and selling shit. It's not that far-fetched. If anyone in here, noob, vet, an inbetweener like me thinks for one second that they wouldn't do that to themselves, their friends, family, neighbors...they may be quit, but haven't fully accepted the full meaning of what it means to be an addict. They may label themselves that, but unless you really truly accept what an addict is, and how pathetic and criminal we could be if it wasn't relatively cheap and readily available, then I think that person hasn't burned the pilings and is at risk. I would steal shit after I emptied my own accounts. I can assure you that. Which leads me to my next point.
3) I know that I am a shitty fucking pathetic addict and that I will always be one. I have not barely even begun to forgive myself for all the hours I've wasted of my life. If for no other reason, just that. Avoiding people and places and activities just so I could keep dipping. Sick. Really sick. Forget the money for a minute. Forget the "what if" cancer risk for a minute. Just to have wasted all this fucking time an energy skirting life. Skirting emotion. Learning to deal with the shitty things in life. I never cried when my mother died of lung cancer from 30+ years of a pack a day addiction. I had dip. Learning to better enjoy the good things. I won an award after a trail race once. I couldn't enjoy the awards ceremony because I didn't bring any nicotine gum with me, and dipping was certainly out of the question. Nic fitting and running out of there to get home to get my fix. Classy, huh?
4) I am still fucking pissed. Period.
That's enough for now. See number 4.
