Not to speak for the rest of the Basterds, but I'm really comfortable in my quit now. Initially, it was a lot of reminding myself to stay vigilant. Then, as the days stacked up, those reminders became my life. I live my life quit. I plan to be quit. That's my default setting right now. It's pretty awesome. I ain't going to lie.
Life has been much busier lately. I'm working full time. Kids are getting older. Kinda got a punch to the gut this morning as our salesman nephew overdosed on heroin and is braindead. There's a lot of addiction talk and a lot of talk about kids these days. I've got a 12 year old now that has the same attitude I had about life when I was his age: ain't anything that can hurt me. It scares the fucking shit out of me to think about it. It's so strange to think about my parents trying to talk to me about this stuff as a child (and how I knew so much more than them... 'Crazy' ) and now I'm in the same position. I fucking watched every musical icon I ever loved take his own life over the drug...and I feel like my generation moved past it because of that. But what bugs me is that these kids watch their friends die and they still do it! Fuck addiction and fuck those assholes that push the shit. I'm going old.
It's been a strange 24 hours.
After posting that quote yesterday, I saw a long time stopper caved. Ugh. Those things hurt. Dude's been pretty active in the past and had a good thing going. No more.
On one hand, I hope he gets his shit together. It's easier said than done and vision is 20/20 from outside his perspective. What makes the KTC great though is that it offers a perspective other than his. It offers this perspective to me and every other person that signs roll and fights this battle each day. Sure, not every quitter is going to quit in the same manner. We have only a few things that can tie us all together: We post roll. We keep our word. We repeat. We ask for help when we need it. We give it when we can.
Any new quitter may think it's insane that somebody's bad decision effects so many people but that's why I love this place. If I fail, I've betrayed you all. I can't make it up. I don't get a participation trophy for what I had accomplished. I have 2 choices: Let my mistake eat me and continue down the wrong path or learn and move on.
Now, yesterday, I had a big punch to the gut. Addiction is a helluva cross to bare. My friend's brother is hurt and sad and angry and I don't fucking blame him. His son chose a temporary high for Five fucking bucks. His body revolted and he's left a wake of trails to all those that loved him. Hell, I didn't even know him and his death had me hugging my boys all night. There are no excuses in use. None.
One of the greatest statements I've ever read this week was:
Failure in the past was mostly accepted and treated as an indication the student didn't understand the concept. Failure was a teaching tool.
Now failure is seen as a character flaw so parents don't teach kids how to come back from it, they're just taught to avoid it at all costs.
Failing was my teaching tool and I needed it.
I'm 2082 days quit. I once threw out 1000+ days of stoppage. When I quit, I had to face my demons. In my first stoppage, I stopped posting after day 100. I had never exchanged telephone numbers (let alone email addresses) with anybody in my group. I faded and nobody could find me. I stayed stopped but mostly by accident. Looking back, I'm beyond lucky that I stayed stopped as long as I did. When I failed, it was a decision on a random Sunday. But I had begun failing a long time before that. When I came back, I was quite active. I stayed active and promised myself to not let it happen again.
I'm not as active as I once was. I'm still here though and I hope you all will blow me up if you see the complacency in my steps. I'm quite comfortable in my quit though. I've always thought that quitting was a pendulum. It swung from good to bad as my body reacted to the poison withdrawal. In most instances, those all around me experienced the same bullshit of quitting. I realized that those swings were just a fact of quitting. Eventually, that pendulum rests. My mood is not dictated by withdrawals anymore. My mood is me and I have to deal with the bad without nicotine. It is very easy to be a quitter in times of good. It means that you are a quitter when you make it through the times of bad.
I'm making it through life quit and happy. I can't promise tomorrow but I can promise today. However, just because I've decided to be quit doesn't mean I get to rest on that one little decision. "To quit" is one decision. "To be quit" is a series of decisions. Maybe one day, when I'm lying under the ground, I can be considered quit. Until then, I quit with all y'all today.
Don't be sad. Be fucking vigilant. Be quit.