205- I was hoping hitting the second floor might trigger a few weeks of "easy quit" like hitting 100 days did... Not so much. Ever since day 170+ my quit has gotten back to being a fight. I sat on my porch from 90-100 until 170 or so and enjoyed my quit. I junked the oral fixation nonsense, and other that posting roll I hardly thought about the poison. Then the caves started... Several of my peers caved, and more have just stopped being active. Around this time "the suck" came back into my quit big time, and it has been like the early days level of push-back from the nic bitch (my addiction) most days. I have kept my tools sharp thank God, and that has made rising to the fight easier for me. I have been alternating from craves to "suck" most of the last week. I get a crave (stronger than the average crave I get) and beat it down (I will not break my promise, I will not be a slave again, I will not give UST one more dime!), but the crave is followed by the irrational "suck" (empty feeling like I am missing out on something by not poisoning myself with tobacco). So here I am on KTC for hours at a time again, and thank God for that. I will not cave ever while I am engaged on KTC. Hope the easy quit days come again soon, but I will Quit Like Fuck Every Damn Day until they do. Piss off Nicotine I don't need you and never did. NAFAR nic bitch! I will not lose my will to fight today!
I get it. This shit gets repetitive and monotonous. I've felt the same way.
It's like you are waiting for an award, some kind of tangible "pay off" for all this hard work and struggle.
But there is none. Nothing tangible at least. Your "reward" isn't a nice shiny watch or fat bonus check.
Your reward is self pride, freedom, and a longer life. Those are great things for sure, but are hard to "feel" or "see" when your addict brain is still craving the poison and you see peers, guys you fought tooth and nail with, caving and falling off the map.
It starts to make you wonder, and it bums you out.
The thing you have to remember is you're doing right and that life without tobacco can be a beautiful thing. More beautiful than a life with a lip stuffed with shit.
There was a reason you came here and decided to quit. You were tired of it all. You wanted your freedom and your life back. You've fought and won battles most people would lose 10 out of 10 times. You're DOING what you came here to do.
Never lose sight of that fact.
Don't sit around hoping easier days are ahead, and don't glorify the bitch by thinking your "missing out".
Take a big step back and pat yourself on the back for making it to where you are today. Recall the journey, and the great victories along the way. Try to remember that every day you go without poisoning yourself is a reward.
Hang in there bro. I know you're feeling down, but it won't last forever. This too shall pass.
Quit on...
