A quick look back at my quit day 12/27/13....because there's a lesson in it somewhere for me...
I knew that I wanted to quit. The end of the year was coming up, and things were getting hectic both at work and on the home front. The holidays were a nightmare as I ninja-dipped around Christmas Eve dinner, Christmas morning opening presents and I hated myself for it. So the day after Christmas, I bravely announced to the wife that I was finally going to quit on 12/30. Why 12/30? Because that was the same day I had stopped drinking 12 years ago. Perfectly logical, right? Wrong.
Good intentions, but the logic was f***ed up.
Fast-forward to Friday 12/27. As per my usual winter morning ritual, I went out and started the car, came back into the house, grabbed my laptop case, poured a travel mug of coffee for my one-hour commute, kissed my wife goodbye and told her I loved her. I eased the car down the driveway and got out to open the outer gate. And as usual, out came the tin of cope....and I packed in a big fat one to last me until I got to work.
The entire 60 miles, I wrestled with that dip. It's burn was no good. Why wait, why f***ing wait? During that whole hour's drive, I couldn't come up with a good answer. When I got to work, I went straight to the men's room, fingered that dip out of my lower lip, rinsed my mouth out with soap (literally), took the lid off my 3/4 full can of Cope long cut, tossed the contents into the toilet and flushed, threw the empty can into the trash, said something like "good riddance mother-f***er", and went up to my office to start my day.
I went through the big suck, and am still going through all the mind games and craves just like all of you. However, there are huge differences between my current QUIT and all my other "stops" and "pauses" over the years:
1) This time, rather than picking some future date and trying to build up to it, my 12/27 quit was instantaneous and powerful. It was "game on right now." There is a lot of strength in that. I kind of felt like Cortez burning his ships in the harbor of the new world. There was no f***ing going back.
2) This time, I got rid of the can immediately...dumped it straight down the toilet. In past years, I would hide my "quit tin" and actually carry it around in my laptop case or backpack wherever I went. Sort of like a little reverse psychology with myself that I was strong enough to have the dip close by but not actually partake in it. Yeah, right. Then a few days would go by, maybe even a few weeks. And I would cave to the crave and run to the store and buy a new tin, slyly throwing out the tin I'd been carrying around with me for days or weeks. That "quit tin" was a latent trigger. This time I didn't keep it around.
3) This time, I have this site. I have accountability to myself, to the guys and gals in April '14. I have the responsibility to post roll every morning. I also try to make at least one decent post per day to both communicate with others, and to track my thoughts. I read the dialogue and responses of others as they struggle like I do, and I live for the re-enforcements provided to me by those who have gone before. I read the HOF stories, the Hall of Legends wisdom, recounting the hardships, and the precious victories.
I have cravings every day, but I choose to defeat them, one trigger at a time. There are lessons in what we have accomplished. This QUIT is different because of them. Learn from these lessons, and use them as fuel for your quit. I am resolved to QLFEDD.
ZC.
