The past few days have been a little bit of a funk. Not a funk of a physical nature, in fact very few cravings at all.
This funk was worse though, it was the beginning of the mind games that the nic bitch will continue to try and play on me. The past few days had me questioning whether or not I was an addict. I mean I'm 19 year old, 19 year olds can't be addicts, right? I've only been dipping for a few years, you can't be addicted for only dipping for a few years, right? Nevertheless I gave my word, and it is a word I have stuck to.
Well it became very clear to me today that I am an addict though. I came down with strep throat for the 4th time in the past 6 months. I could think back to the other times having strep, each time I sacrificed the pain in my mouth to give way to my addiction. And I can honestly say today, the urge to do so was no different. Here I am sitting in a room, throwing up, running a fever and on all sorts of medicine and all I could think about was ya know, I'm not really an addict, am I? I mean one won't hurt right.
Well one will hurt. One will ruin my dreams, my aspirations, and all the things I want/will accomplish in my life. I realize now that I am an addict. Not because I wanted a dip when while I had strep throat, but I am an addict because I used to be willing to put nicotine in front of the rest of my life. I was willing to make it priority number one. But no more.
You'll never hear me say I'm never going back, because I don't have control of the future. I only have control of the present. In the present I am saying no to tobacco. I am saying no to placing tobacco as the number 1 thing in my life.
Today I am free, tomorrow we will see. Just know if I give you my word, I'm sticking to it.