Haven't posted here in a long time. probably should more often but never feel like i have anything profound to say. But today I will say it anyway.
Couple of weeks ago, watching the show "Elementary" which is only sorta good but the wife likes it. At any rate, the main character is drug addict. I am watching with my wife and daughter. Near the end of the show he is explaining why he can't accept his 1 year clean chip from narcotics anonymous or whatever it is called. He has previously given excuses like "those chips are stupid, don't need that etc." Near the end he fesses up and says that "The day after I went into rehab, I snuck out and got another fix so my 1 year date is actually 1 day later than everyone thinks." He then gets quiet for a second and restates this fact with considerable disgust, "Less than 24 hours after promising myself and everyone that I was going to quit I did it again."
For some reason, this hit me really hard. Got a lump in my throat and thought about the 1000s of times I lied to my wife, kids, and self about "quitting". Almost teared up a bit (Ok I did).
I LIED to myself. I said I am in control. I said I can quit tomorrow, no problem. I can quit Friday, no problem. I can quit next monday, no problem. I can quit after I finish this project. I can quit at the end of the year. I am quit right now.
The truth? I am helpless against nicotine without help. Always will be. That shit owns my ass. The day I forget that is the day it controls me again and I start lying to me and everyone around me again.