It's been awhile since I've updated my thread, so just want to add a few things. Also, I've only had 1 dream about nicotine, so far, and that was around Day 20-30. BUT last night, I had the worst dream/nightmare ever. I dreamed that I caved. I didn't dream about the details of how or why. I just woke up in a sweat and panic when I dreamed having to tell all of you here on KTC, and realizing that meant I must have caved. Geez, what a horrible feeling! My heart goes out to those on KTC who have had to face that as a reality. I went back to sleep but still didn't sleep restfully for the remainder of the night/morning. Anyway, here is the update to my quit:
Day 30-55: not much different than my quit days in the 20's, except no more worrying about having oral cancer. That did help with some stress, obviously.
Day 55-75: This is when things became noticeably harder for me. This is also when my quit was gradually becoming harder and harder. I posted roll and still posted in other groups, but gradually posted less and less in other groups. By Day 75 I was in a full slump. During this time, I was dealing with stress, anger, worry, and fear of losing money because of a lemon vehicle. I had been trying to work out problems with Chrysler, instead of having to file a lawsuit on them. Additionally, I ended the relationship between my ex girlfriend and I. There were underlying problems with her that had been ongoing for some time, but I simply just reached the end of my rope with her. I moved out from my ex's house.
Day 75-100: I was definitely in the pre-HoF funk. I posted roll every day, but I stopped posting in other groups by this point. Maybe it was me being selfish or maybe it was just me in survival mode and doing whatever it took to stay quit. I remained in close contact with my quit brothers via texts. Also, during this time it became blatantly obvious I would have to file suit on Chrysler and engage in a legal fight that I really didn't want. More stress, frustration, worry, restlessness, etc. However, I was super proud when my 100 Days came to pass. I felt the sense of accomplishment but also knew that I needed more of that--that I will need KTC far beyond 100 days. I at least felt some stress relief after ending that relationship with the ex and moving out. I knew and still know it was the right choice.
Day 100-125: I was still in a slump/funk. This funk continued until around Day 125. Was this one continuous funk for this long? Did I experience back to back pre-and post Hof funks? Is that even possible? I don't know. What I do know is that around Day 125, I felt like I "woke up" on the inside and in my mind. I don't think I'm fixed. I never will be. I just felt more compelled to spend more time here on KTC, to be involved, to take interest in other members' quits, lives, friendships, etc. Also, serving as co-conductor has been a humbling learning experience. I know more funks are coming, but they are beatable ODAAT. Also filed lawsuit on Chrysler. I'm not going to discuss this any further until it has reached finality.
I am now at Day 139, and the thought of skipping roll sends a feeling of horror deep within, which is the same feeling I get when I think about trying to quit without KTC support, brotherhood, and accountability. I am thankful to be here quit with all of you. I may be an addict for life, but I'm a recovering addict for life, which means that I am clean.
Sorry this is so longwinded, but it's been awhile since updating.
JW
