The power of not feeling alone

[aaronep]

Day 100. 7:30AM

Just wanted to write the bookend entry for my first 100 days. I wanted to say thank you for all my brothers that engaged with me via replies to my posts. It kept me going during the difficult early days and kept me focused after the days added up.

Diesel always says that he was a big pussy in the beginning. I figured that I only needed to be a little less and I could be proud. Hearing his stories is the epitome of KTC. Brothers helping brothers.

For the new quitters, I suggest that you follow a fellow quitter from intro to HOF. Read everything they write, you will see how its done and find remarkable similarities with your situation. It made these people real for me when I needed proof that folks can actually make 100 days.

Proud to be at 100 today. Lots of power in not being alone.

[Dlee3]

Day 97, 9AM

Riding the roller coaster of quit takes me to the highest of highs and lowest of lows. I have recognized that living without dip continues to surprise me in such a positive way.

I went through a divorce a few years ago and I remember pushing friends and family away so I could enter a dip coma in my never ending desire to "calm down" or "relax" using dip. A few weeks into quit, I think most of us realize that dip doesn't do that for us so I am left with relationships that I was trying to sabotage.

My dog died yesterday. He had 14 years of life and 11 with me. I am surrounded by friends and family to help morn his passing and celebrate his life. This is so much better. I hate that dip robbed me of this support in the past when I could have used the company.

I have used my introduction as my personal quit diary so I am going to tell my dog story and hope others will add theirs.

- In my mid 20's, I accepted a job promotion/transfer and went to live in a big city where I didn't know anyone. After buying a house and getting settled in, I decided that I would volunteer on the weekends to try and meet people (translation = find hot girls and get laid). I wound up at the humaine society and spent a day helping families learn about dogs that they might want to adopt. At the end of my shift, they informed me that on Sunday, they prepare the dogs that will be killed on Monday to make room for the new ones coming in. That freaked me out a bit so I adopted a young dog and got the hell out of there.

- I got lucky, this dog turned out to be amazing, and 8 years later, we moved into my next house in another city. I had a great backyard that fed into some woods but my dog never needed to be tied up and never left my side so he would roam free. One cold night, he took off into the woods. I waited a few hours and around midnight, I started the search without luck. It was around 4AM and below freezing when my dog came back home...with a friend. They were immediate friends and inseparable. On the first night together, I put down 2 dog beds on the opposite sides of the room and in the morning, they had pushed them together so they would be near each other. I tried to find the owner but nobody claimed him.

- I lost my rescue dog a few years ago and had my new dog to help me move forward. Now he has passed and I think I am going to take some time away from dogs. My new dog was amazing. Someone really trained him up because he knew every trick in the book, was an amazing frisbee catcher, and never left my side. He went everywhere with me and I loved the company. I hope I gave him a good life, he sure did make mine better.

Looking forward to reading other stories if you care to share. Just to give some hope to the new quitters. I dipped for over 20 years and have just under 3 months of quit, and I didn't think about the can during a most difficult yesterday. Good times ahead.

Aaronep, I'm prepping for my geriatric dog seemingly daily. I've never lost a dog because this was my first one. She just turned 13 and seems to be losing it daily. She can still climb the stairs to go upstairs, but she has slipped and fallen down the stairs twice in the last month. Her joints suck. She's lost half her teeth. She can't hardly see or hear anymore either. I'll be in the kitchen and she'll walk around the entire downstairs looking for me, even if I'm calling her. Her sniffer still works pretty well, though. If I'm cooking something meaty, she'll come straight to the kitchen.

I'm not sure the positives outweigh the negatives, and I have no idea the kind of stuff your dog left behind, but there are a few really heartless aspects of losing a dog that I try to get out of my head. Regardless, for my dog, at least, they remain. She throws up on the carpet upstairs at least once a week. She's freaking expensive. She barks at nothing sometimes now, almost like she's got dementia or something and gets pissed at her own fur.

But I love that damn mutt, and I'm going to miss everything, even the vomit. My condolences for you today.

[omahaflyer]

Please accept my condolences for your dog.

[aaronep]

Day 97, 9AM

Riding the roller coaster of quit takes me to the highest of highs and lowest of lows. I have recognized that living without dip continues to surprise me in such a positive way.

I went through a divorce a few years ago and I remember pushing friends and family away so I could enter a dip coma in my never ending desire to "calm down" or "relax" using dip. A few weeks into quit, I think most of us realize that dip doesn't do that for us so I am left with relationships that I was trying to sabotage.

My dog died yesterday. He had 14 years of life and 11 with me. I am surrounded by friends and family to help morn his passing and celebrate his life. This is so much better. I hate that dip robbed me of this support in the past when I could have used the company.

I have used my introduction as my personal quit diary so I am going to tell my dog story and hope others will add theirs.

- In my mid 20's, I accepted a job promotion/transfer and went to live in a big city where I didn't know anyone. After buying a house and getting settled in, I decided that I would volunteer on the weekends to try and meet people (translation = find hot girls and get laid). I wound up at the humaine society and spent a day helping families learn about dogs that they might want to adopt. At the end of my shift, they informed me that on Sunday, they prepare the dogs that will be killed on Monday to make room for the new ones coming in. That freaked me out a bit so I adopted a young dog and got the hell out of there.

- I got lucky, this dog turned out to be amazing, and 8 years later, we moved into my next house in another city. I had a great backyard that fed into some woods but my dog never needed to be tied up and never left my side so he would roam free. One cold night, he took off into the woods. I waited a few hours and around midnight, I started the search without luck. It was around 4AM and below freezing when my dog came back home...with a friend. They were immediate friends and inseparable. On the first night together, I put down 2 dog beds on the opposite sides of the room and in the morning, they had pushed them together so they would be near each other. I tried to find the owner but nobody claimed him.

- I lost my rescue dog a few years ago and had my new dog to help me move forward. Now he has passed and I think I am going to take some time away from dogs. My new dog was amazing. Someone really trained him up because he knew every trick in the book, was an amazing frisbee catcher, and never left my side. He went everywhere with me and I loved the company. I hope I gave him a good life, he sure did make mine better.

Looking forward to reading other stories if you care to share. Just to give some hope to the new quitters. I dipped for over 20 years and have just under 3 months of quit, and I didn't think about the can during a most difficult yesterday. Good times ahead.

[Its_Got2Happen]

Day 81, 1:30PM

The numbers are staggering.  I will come back to this at the end.

As my month started entering the HOF, I just started looking at the other quit groups and the spreadsheets.  I have not done much for others in KTC since I joined.  I made connections within my month that have helped me stay strong in my quit but I haven't stepped outside the group. 

When I started, I only looked at the introductions from folks in my month or the vets that reached out to me.  I created a pretty tight circle of folks that I monitored. I kept an eye on their posts, their comments, and their HOF speeches.  I didn't spend much time in the chat room so this was how I created my sense of accountability beyond strangers.  I made sure I knew the back stories (for those who shared) and while I didn't know what someone looked like, I knew where they lived, marital status, children or not, job, etc.  It was my way of making these people real.

The numbers in my group started shrinking.  Grover told me a week ago that typically only a third of a group will make the HOF.  That lets me know how powerful this drug really is.  For most of the folks in my circle, we were all 20+ year dippers and making the HOF is good but less than a third of a year quit compared to 20 years of not quit isn't much.

The month after mine has already lost more than half and the month after that one has lost a higher percentage in a shorter period of time.

The really scary part is that the total number of quit + 'quit and fail' keeps growing month after month.  More and more are addicted.  I would like to think we are making an impact based on how much the site and people on it are changing my life for the better.  I think I will choose to believe that for today as I try to find ways to help others as others have helped me.

Percentages mean shit to you personally. No percentage is going to dictate your success or failure in this. Don't think that we are just feathers in the wind here. Percentages are statistical representations of a large group of people, and you are you.

The fall off occurs because people are not as diligent post-HOF as they were before. The vets don't watch as closely. The spotlight is off. Those that left the door open (and viewed this as a 100 day challenge) are left wondering what to strive for when in reality they are already doing it.

That's what really pisses me off.

I'm day 623 today. I'm fighting the exact same battle as you. No differences. We walk the same path. I walk this path with you, and you with me. I offer you no excuses. I accept no failure.

You know why?

We choose to walk this path together.

Those that "fall off" choose to lag behind. They sniff the daisies. They wander off alone. When they see danger, they are either too frightened to scream or choose suicide. They don't polish the weapons that help them survive. Hell, they sometimes carry new unproven weapons. Sometimes, they work. Sometimes, they're duds.

I have been successful for 623 days because I don't walk this alone. I choose to quit, and it hasn't always been easy. Sometimes, it downright sucks.

I do this because I choose to do it.

You can too, and you are. Keep up the great work, and I'm very proud of you.

Here is the percentage that is personally meaningful. That is 100%. To a person you are either quit (100%) or not quit (0%).

I am glad to have ridden the wave from KTC to make that 100%. It is true that the 35% ish per quit group is the number on the average that make the 100 days.

But again look at that 100%. We are taught lessons on this site, We quit one day at a time. We lean on our brothers when we need it and are there for them when they need it. It all goes to that 100% of ourselves being quit.

It is a little scary to watch some dirft away, and even hate to see them return with a Day 1, but I know for me (and think for you now too) that we keep that 100% close, that we use what we learned here (giving our word daily).

And I will stay that 100%, and will give my word tomorrow of the same

Awesome posts right here. Thanks guys.

Aaron, congrats on 81. I don't know why we haven't crossed paths but I am in your group and just a few days behind. I have seen your name on roll but I guess we started with a huge group. I suspect it is always like that for Jan. There are probably a lot of "New Years resolution" quitters I guess?

I like the 100 day challenge comment from waste. Nothing could be further from the truth. Any folks that view HOF in that way, (either in theory or practice) are doomed in my opinion. I view the HOF like "an opening ceromony". It marks the very begining of a lifetime of quit.

Proud to be quit with you gentlemen.

[SirDerek]

Day 81, 1:30PM

The numbers are staggering.  I will come back to this at the end.

As my month started entering the HOF, I just started looking at the other quit groups and the spreadsheets.  I have not done much for others in KTC since I joined.  I made connections within my month that have helped me stay strong in my quit but I haven't stepped outside the group. 

When I started, I only looked at the introductions from folks in my month or the vets that reached out to me.  I created a pretty tight circle of folks that I monitored. I kept an eye on their posts, their comments, and their HOF speeches.  I didn't spend much time in the chat room so this was how I created my sense of accountability beyond strangers.  I made sure I knew the back stories (for those who shared) and while I didn't know what someone looked like, I knew where they lived, marital status, children or not, job, etc.  It was my way of making these people real.

The numbers in my group started shrinking.  Grover told me a week ago that typically only a third of a group will make the HOF.  That lets me know how powerful this drug really is.  For most of the folks in my circle, we were all 20+ year dippers and making the HOF is good but less than a third of a year quit compared to 20 years of not quit isn't much.

The month after mine has already lost more than half and the month after that one has lost a higher percentage in a shorter period of time.

The really scary part is that the total number of quit + 'quit and fail' keeps growing month after month.  More and more are addicted.  I would like to think we are making an impact based on how much the site and people on it are changing my life for the better.  I think I will choose to believe that for today as I try to find ways to help others as others have helped me.

Percentages mean shit to you personally. No percentage is going to dictate your success or failure in this. Don't think that we are just feathers in the wind here. Percentages are statistical representations of a large group of people, and you are you.

The fall off occurs because people are not as diligent post-HOF as they were before. The vets don't watch as closely. The spotlight is off. Those that left the door open (and viewed this as a 100 day challenge) are left wondering what to strive for when in reality they are already doing it.

That's what really pisses me off.

I'm day 623 today. I'm fighting the exact same battle as you. No differences. We walk the same path. I walk this path with you, and you with me. I offer you no excuses. I accept no failure.

You know why?

We choose to walk this path together.

Those that "fall off" choose to lag behind. They sniff the daisies. They wander off alone. When they see danger, they are either too frightened to scream or choose suicide. They don't polish the weapons that help them survive. Hell, they sometimes carry new unproven weapons. Sometimes, they work. Sometimes, they're duds.

I have been successful for 623 days because I don't walk this alone. I choose to quit, and it hasn't always been easy. Sometimes, it downright sucks.

I do this because I choose to do it.

You can too, and you are. Keep up the great work, and I'm very proud of you.

Here is the percentage that is personally meaningful. That is 100%. To a person you are either quit (100%) or not quit (0%).

I am glad to have ridden the wave from KTC to make that 100%. It is true that the 35% ish per quit group is the number on the average that make the 100 days.

But again look at that 100%. We are taught lessons on this site, We quit one day at a time. We lean on our brothers when we need it and are there for them when they need it. It all goes to that 100% of ourselves being quit.

It is a little scary to watch some dirft away, and even hate to see them return with a Day 1, but I know for me (and think for you now too) that we keep that 100% close, that we use what we learned here (giving our word daily).

And I will stay that 100%, and will give my word tomorrow of the same

[wastepanel]

Day 81, 1:30PM

The numbers are staggering. I will come back to this at the end.

As my month started entering the HOF, I just started looking at the other quit groups and the spreadsheets. I have not done much for others in KTC since I joined. I made connections within my month that have helped me stay strong in my quit but I haven't stepped outside the group.

When I started, I only looked at the introductions from folks in my month or the vets that reached out to me. I created a pretty tight circle of folks that I monitored. I kept an eye on their posts, their comments, and their HOF speeches. I didn't spend much time in the chat room so this was how I created my sense of accountability beyond strangers. I made sure I knew the back stories (for those who shared) and while I didn't know what someone looked like, I knew where they lived, marital status, children or not, job, etc. It was my way of making these people real.

The numbers in my group started shrinking. Grover told me a week ago that typically only a third of a group will make the HOF. That lets me know how powerful this drug really is. For most of the folks in my circle, we were all 20+ year dippers and making the HOF is good but less than a third of a year quit compared to 20 years of not quit isn't much.

The month after mine has already lost more than half and the month after that one has lost a higher percentage in a shorter period of time.

The really scary part is that the total number of quit + 'quit and fail' keeps growing month after month. More and more are addicted. I would like to think we are making an impact based on how much the site and people on it are changing my life for the better. I think I will choose to believe that for today as I try to find ways to help others as others have helped me.

Percentages mean shit to you personally. No percentage is going to dictate your success or failure in this. Don't think that we are just feathers in the wind here. Percentages are statistical representations of a large group of people, and you are you.

The fall off occurs because people are not as diligent post-HOF as they were before. The vets don't watch as closely. The spotlight is off. Those that left the door open (and viewed this as a 100 day challenge) are left wondering what to strive for when in reality they are already doing it.

That's what really pisses me off.

I'm day 623 today. I'm fighting the exact same battle as you. No differences. We walk the same path. I walk this path with you, and you with me. I offer you no excuses. I accept no failure.

You know why?

We choose to walk this path together.

Those that "fall off" choose to lag behind. They sniff the daisies. They wander off alone. When they see danger, they are either too frightened to scream or choose suicide. They don't polish the weapons that help them survive. Hell, they sometimes carry new unproven weapons. Sometimes, they work. Sometimes, they're duds.

I have been successful for 623 days because I don't walk this alone. I choose to quit, and it hasn't always been easy. Sometimes, it downright sucks.

I do this because I choose to do it.

You can too, and you are. Keep up the great work, and I'm very proud of you.

[aaronep]

Day 81, 1:30PM

The numbers are staggering. I will come back to this at the end.

As my month started entering the HOF, I just started looking at the other quit groups and the spreadsheets. I have not done much for others in KTC since I joined. I made connections within my month that have helped me stay strong in my quit but I haven't stepped outside the group.

When I started, I only looked at the introductions from folks in my month or the vets that reached out to me. I created a pretty tight circle of folks that I monitored. I kept an eye on their posts, their comments, and their HOF speeches. I didn't spend much time in the chat room so this was how I created my sense of accountability beyond strangers. I made sure I knew the back stories (for those who shared) and while I didn't know what someone looked like, I knew where they lived, marital status, children or not, job, etc. It was my way of making these people real.

The numbers in my group started shrinking. Grover told me a week ago that typically only a third of a group will make the HOF. That lets me know how powerful this drug really is. For most of the folks in my circle, we were all 20+ year dippers and making the HOF is good but less than a third of a year quit compared to 20 years of not quit isn't much.

The month after mine has already lost more than half and the month after that one has lost a higher percentage in a shorter period of time.

The really scary part is that the total number of quit + 'quit and fail' keeps growing month after month. More and more are addicted. I would like to think we are making an impact based on how much the site and people on it are changing my life for the better. I think I will choose to believe that for today as I try to find ways to help others as others have helped me.

[aaronep]

Day 73, Noon.

Here is a post that might help some of the new guys.

I have spent lots of time trying to understand how my fucked up my brain works during these 10+ weeks of quit and you guys might be able to relate. One of the most powerful aspects of this community is that you will never be the "first" to experience something related to dip or quit. Your KTC brothers, as a whole, have been where you are...and most importantly, they survived and are still quit. No matter what crave you face, others have felt it, and moved passed it without quitting. You can win the battle with nic and stay quit, it has been proven, that is why this community works for me.

My battles with craves come in these areas and they are very different from each other and require a different strategy to fight them off.

1. Anxiety. This is the most frequent. Being without dip has me on "high alert" for everything. In the beginning, this contributed to major outbursts. Definitely the girlfriend got hit with this one the hardest. I have lost friends. I no longer have tolerance for things that used to just bounce off me. If something bothers me while quit, I drop it. Quit is that important to me. My biggest contributor to anxiety was the change in my ability to multi-task when quit. With a dip in place, I used to be on a conference call, working on the computer, watching tv, and having lunch at the same time. I just can't do that anymore. If I am walking the dog and I hear my phone ring (call, email, text, etc.), I can feel the anxiety coming on. My brain immediately tells me that if I had a dip in, I would immediately calm down and be able to handle this. So, this is what I do in my quit world: I ignore it. One task at a time. Life isn't going to end if I just prioritize and do things in order. I make lists and cross things off. I used to be embarrassed about my new life process but I realized pretty early on that my quit is most important and all else be dammed. In the beginning, around day 5, I didn't know about this trigger and while I was walking the dog, my phone started blowing up. Phone calls, emails, texts, I need this now, can you do it tonight, call me back, etc. It wouldn't stop. I was freaking out! I reached out to my brothers and Taz answered the phone. I spoke with him for 90 seconds, realized that life wasn't going to end, I could do this without a dip, and moved on. Crave gone, no cave, and back to the business of quit. Keep your numbers with you. Taz didn't save my quit but he sure made my quit easier.

2. Boredom. If I have free time and I am alone, a crave is coming. Just knowing that I am going to have free time, alone, later...the thought of a crave starts to enter into my head. This one is the hardest. This is where KTC helps me and lots of others. Getting on the site, reading, posting, chat, etc. really works. Coming home and turning on the TV and surfing doesn't exist in my quit life. That is just an invitation for a crave. In short, don't do it. Make plans, exercise, call your mother, get on the site, write a long post (i.e. what I am doing now)...don't sit at home with your remote. One of my brothers suggested jerking-off. Do anything to keep active!

3. Familiarity. This one is the hardest crave to overcome but goes away first, thankfully. In the beginning, post meal dips invite the biggest crave. That actually went away quickly. Your brain starts to learn that you are not going to dip after a meal and eventually stops asking. From what I read on the site, if you cook up a monster steak, you might be thinking about a fat lip afterward. For me, this goes along with drinking. You do these things, no matter how long you are quit, you are inviting a crave.

In summary, you are not alone. Someone at KTC has felt what you are feeling on your darkest, hardest day...and they are still quit. It can be done, KTC provides proof.

PM if you need help. My time to pay it forward.

[loot]

Some good poo poo right there.

The easy days will come bro...promise.

[aaronep]

Day 67, 7:30PM

Still winning the fights for quit. I haven't had an easy day in my 2+ months of quit. I guess that it takes longer than 2+ months to erase 20+ years of dipping.

After 67 days, I know how to say no. I know how much suck is involved with starting over and I know that adding dip to any problem makes more problems.

I remind myself to stay positive, I am now living without lies and that has been the greatest gift from KTC. My brothers are HOF bound in the next few days and I am looking forward to joining them. Lots of good in my life these days, I owe it all to KTC, very grateful, very proud of my 67 days.

My girl just spent a weekend with me in Toronto. I really liked my first vacation without dip. I am experiencing so many things for the first time and each one is amazing. Doing anything without the pressure of sneaking in a dip is a different experience and so much better. It's pretty easy to be positive with so many reminders of dip-free living benefits.

[jhaenel23]

Day 55, Noon.

Formally Ninja Dipper, I am now Ninja Quitter!

Doubt this is the best way to go, but one of the things that I have learned during the early stages of quit, is 'don't take on more than you can handle'. Multi-tasking is a nightmare, even after 55 days, so I just don't do it. My quit is the most important thing to me. Work can wait, obviously. Family can wait, they don't notice, Exercise and water CAN'T wait, that has been a staple since day 1 and continues to make life better. Friends are a different story for me.

As quit, you have so many more productive hours a day but when you remove multi-tasking or late night alone time, the day is short. I make lists and get the important stuff done - core relationships, essential work, and exercise. The other stuff just doesn't get done. I don't always return calls or make plans with friends on the fringe, I want to, but I don't have the time. When the anxiety of keeping the friendship alive gets to be too much for me, I drop the friend.

If I wasn't a ninja quitter, I could probably disclose what I am going through, and likely get lots of support. However, I kinda of like this trimming out process. Quit gives me such a different perspective about everything, especially identifying what is really important.

It is not a completely perfect plan. I have to post roll really fast in the AM. I make sure to delete the emails/texts from my KTC brothers after I read/reply so I don't get caught. I am missing out on some get-togethers (virtual, in-person, facebook, etc.) because of my ninja style.

I don't tell folks because in addition to being embarrassed, I don't think that I am up for the repercussions. Coming out as a quit 20+ year dipper to friends/family is going to lead to lots of questions and long conversations. My fragile quit brain just isn't ready yet.

Maybe later, maybe not. Not really sure and not going to think about it. It isn't that important to me just yet. Let me continue to trim the fat that has accumulated in my life and see what comes out the other side. I still don't really know who I am going to be in the long run...except for a guy with a strong quit going everyday.

I should be jumping in to help out the newbies but my ninja style limits me. That makes me a little sad but I am going to try to post a bit more. Reading others continues to help me so I will try to return the favor.

Almost 8 weeks in the can, love my quit, love my brothers.
Aaron

How you treat your Quit is your business and your business alone. I on the other hand, was an open dipper for the most part. So I told key people in my life when I first quit to basically screw myself. They knew I quit. They had quit themselves and would hold me to it. Add in the KTC and you have a HOF quit to this point. There is nothing that says you have to get involved with the newbies. I pulled back from doing it for awhile because there were so many ups and downs that it was affecting my quit. I would get way to vested in some peeps quits and they would cave. It killed me!!!! So pick your spots. Read the intro's etc etc and when you feel inspired to reach out.....do so!! If your fam and friends were not aware of your habit....then there is no reason to talk abou your quit unless you need the support. Proud to be quit with you bro!


J

[Wt57]

Aaron like you I am a ninja quitter. Other than KTC my wife is the only person I've shared my quit with. We are not alone. I on the other hand have filled my time with time online, like now I'm setting in my pickup typing rather than working on the task I started. I've filled those many hours of former dipping with KTC reading and sharing experiences. I know that letting go and unloading our burden can be good but somethings are our own burden to carry and telling others will serve no real purpose. If you ever need to unload just pm me.

[aaronep]

Day 55, Noon.

Formally Ninja Dipper, I am now Ninja Quitter!

Doubt this is the best way to go, but one of the things that I have learned during the early stages of quit, is 'don't take on more than you can handle'. Multi-tasking is a nightmare, even after 55 days, so I just don't do it. My quit is the most important thing to me. Work can wait, obviously. Family can wait, they don't notice, Exercise and water CAN'T wait, that has been a staple since day 1 and continues to make life better. Friends are a different story for me.

As quit, you have so many more productive hours a day but when you remove multi-tasking or late night alone time, the day is short. I make lists and get the important stuff done - core relationships, essential work, and exercise. The other stuff just doesn't get done. I don't always return calls or make plans with friends on the fringe, I want to, but I don't have the time. When the anxiety of keeping the friendship alive gets to be too much for me, I drop the friend.

If I wasn't a ninja quitter, I could probably disclose what I am going through, and likely get lots of support. However, I kinda of like this trimming out process. Quit gives me such a different perspective about everything, especially identifying what is really important.

It is not a completely perfect plan. I have to post roll really fast in the AM. I make sure to delete the emails/texts from my KTC brothers after I read/reply so I don't get caught. I am missing out on some get-togethers (virtual, in-person, facebook, etc.) because of my ninja style.

I don't tell folks because in addition to being embarrassed, I don't think that I am up for the repercussions. Coming out as a quit 20+ year dipper to friends/family is going to lead to lots of questions and long conversations. My fragile quit brain just isn't ready yet.

Maybe later, maybe not. Not really sure and not going to think about it. It isn't that important to me just yet. Let me continue to trim the fat that has accumulated in my life and see what comes out the other side. I still don't really know who I am going to be in the long run...except for a guy with a strong quit going everyday.

I should be jumping in to help out the newbies but my ninja style limits me. That makes me a little sad but I am going to try to post a bit more. Reading others continues to help me so I will try to return the favor.

Almost 8 weeks in the can, love my quit, love my brothers.
Aaron

[jhaenel23]

Day 38, 10:30PM

"Lately it occurs to me: What a long, strange trip it's been."

I haven't updated my thread in a few weeks but I have posted roll each day. The fog has lifted and I am seeing behind the curtain a bit these days. Still not exactly sure what I am looking at. I started dipping at 19 and I am on the verge of 42 next month which means that I spent more of my lifetime dipping than not dipping. (I am not unique, lots of folks at KTC are in the same boat.)

I am learning how to live a life without dip and that is really strange. All my relationships have changed. I look at people differently and I am sure that I act different around them. I am not the same person.

I am traveling for work again these days (I took time off for the early stages of quit) and I take isle seats on the plane. Always had a window when I was dipping, not anymore. I find myself talking to strangers, flight attendants, etc. I never did that before. On my last flight, some guy had the window next to me and put in a dip after his co-worker in the other row started reading a book. It was funny to watch, he was probably sweating it out waiting for her eyes to look the other way and stop talking to him. I used to be that douche. I felt pretty good about my quit during that flight.

I join the folks who work for me at lunch or out for coffee. I never did that before. I like the people I work with. I like people and they seem to like me. This new life is a little awkward at times, like I don't know what to do all the time. I maybe weird but I am free. I am not thinking about running away and having a dip. I am now running toward life, it is really cool.

I enjoy everything in life a bit more without dip. I am not in a rush to be by myself. The people I am with get my undivided attention, without dip, I can't multi-task or stay up late. It spooks some of them because they don't know what I am going through.

My days are shorter because I go to sleep earlier. All the worthless crap I used to do after my girl went to bed doesn't get done. I am not missing anything. I just DVR Justified and watch Raylen Givins some other time. I am not in a hurry to do anything these days. I no longer have any anxiety. I realize that the anxiety came from panic about my next dip or lost spitter. Everything is different.

I have lost some friends during this rebirth. I believe that life is short because I lost out on so much while dipping. I want to prioritize the time I have left in my life with the most important people. I used to have some friends and co-workers that I spent lots of time on the phone with. Looking back, that was just an excuse to have a dip while shooting the breeze. I don't want to be on the phone having a dip, I want to be outside, enjoying my life with the folks I truly want to be with.

I am an addict. I have thought about having a dip every day since my quit started. I probably always will. One of the best KTC reminders is "1 problem + 1 dip = 2 problems". Another thing that stays top of mind from KTC is that everything I am thinking or feeling isn't new. Someone at KTC faced the same thing before me and lived to tell. I like keeping the legacy going.

It feels like I have been quit for years. I can't remember when I started but it feels like forever ago. I just passed the 5 week mark. I am the runt of my quit group and I will be the last to the HOF - bringing up the rear. That is my role in this family. I take that responsibility very seriously. I am counting on the early guys to cross the HOF line first, I want to celebrate with Taz at his 100 days. When Grover hits a 100, I am expecting a really nasty, dirty HOF speech. I can't wait. You guys are counting on me to do my job as well - the ass end of the mad men of quit. I quit with my brothers today tomorrow I will do the same. I look forward to it.

KTC works. Go figure.

Amen Brother!!



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