Day 38, 10:30PM
"Lately it occurs to me: What a long, strange trip it's been."
I haven't updated my thread in a few weeks but I have posted roll each day. The fog has lifted and I am seeing behind the curtain a bit these days. Still not exactly sure what I am looking at. I started dipping at 19 and I am on the verge of 42 next month which means that I spent more of my lifetime dipping than not dipping. (I am not unique, lots of folks at KTC are in the same boat.)
I am learning how to live a life without dip and that is really strange. All my relationships have changed. I look at people differently and I am sure that I act different around them. I am not the same person.
I am traveling for work again these days (I took time off for the early stages of quit) and I take isle seats on the plane. Always had a window when I was dipping, not anymore. I find myself talking to strangers, flight attendants, etc. I never did that before. On my last flight, some guy had the window next to me and put in a dip after his co-worker in the other row started reading a book. It was funny to watch, he was probably sweating it out waiting for her eyes to look the other way and stop talking to him. I used to be that douche. I felt pretty good about my quit during that flight.
I join the folks who work for me at lunch or out for coffee. I never did that before. I like the people I work with. I like people and they seem to like me. This new life is a little awkward at times, like I don't know what to do all the time. I maybe weird but I am free. I am not thinking about running away and having a dip. I am now running toward life, it is really cool.
I enjoy everything in life a bit more without dip. I am not in a rush to be by myself. The people I am with get my undivided attention, without dip, I can't multi-task or stay up late. It spooks some of them because they don't know what I am going through.
My days are shorter because I go to sleep earlier. All the worthless crap I used to do after my girl went to bed doesn't get done. I am not missing anything. I just DVR Justified and watch Raylen Givins some other time. I am not in a hurry to do anything these days. I no longer have any anxiety. I realize that the anxiety came from panic about my next dip or lost spitter. Everything is different.
I have lost some friends during this rebirth. I believe that life is short because I lost out on so much while dipping. I want to prioritize the time I have left in my life with the most important people. I used to have some friends and co-workers that I spent lots of time on the phone with. Looking back, that was just an excuse to have a dip while shooting the breeze. I don't want to be on the phone having a dip, I want to be outside, enjoying my life with the folks I truly want to be with.
I am an addict. I have thought about having a dip every day since my quit started. I probably always will. One of the best KTC reminders is "1 problem + 1 dip = 2 problems". Another thing that stays top of mind from KTC is that everything I am thinking or feeling isn't new. Someone at KTC faced the same thing before me and lived to tell. I like keeping the legacy going.
It feels like I have been quit for years. I can't remember when I started but it feels like forever ago. I just passed the 5 week mark. I am the runt of my quit group and I will be the last to the HOF - bringing up the rear. That is my role in this family. I take that responsibility very seriously. I am counting on the early guys to cross the HOF line first, I want to celebrate with Taz at his 100 days. When Grover hits a 100, I am expecting a really nasty, dirty HOF speech. I can't wait. You guys are counting on me to do my job as well - the ass end of the mad men of quit. I quit with my brothers today tomorrow I will do the same. I look forward to it.
KTC works. Go figure.
