All,
Well this is long overdue. I made a promise once, broke it, made some more, broke some more, and watched some really fucked up shit happen while I sat there idly and dumb. This will be a wall and it will be jumbled and maybe incoherent.
So some of my past and then my cave and the screwed up shit afterward.
I was like many of you. Joined because I knew I had a massively destructive habit (one of many) and was too much of a puss to accept it and do anything about it for many years. Christ, I drank so much even the time frame of my quit is hazy.
So I began dipping heavily in college and afterward made some really bad personal decisions. Cheated on my fiance (a living saint), fell in love with an intensely destructive relstionship, lost my job, totaled my car, gained 50lbs in alcohol and shitty food. Got into KTC through a good friend who is an addictions counselor. I was ready. It was a tin, what was the issue?
I joined KTC and the June 2013 HOF group. Made some excellent friends and I am happy, though bittersweetly, to see the closest of them are still quit. P3s, I have my post coming for you guys specifically.
Went through my 100 days. Every struggle that was outlined on the site came true. The raging, the smells, the urges. I have a bad history of oral fixation and my nails went through hell. I was damn near swallowing Jake's (miss that cranberry fakey) and going through bags of mints a week. But there was, specifically, KK, Wade, runner, and Kodiak keeping me straight. Nights were I was ready to hit the closest person toward me...I could not handle it. Or so I thought. I stayed true. Fought. Posted roll. Texted near daily with my KTC brothers. Was in the chat yelling at people.
Then the HOF. I had done it. The longest I had stuck through with a positive change in my life since highschool and it felt exhilerating. Then, the hits came and I made the excuses that lead some of us back down that shitty rabbit hole.
Lost my job due to someone's budget blunder. Was at my end with being torn between two women; one of which was a rock and the other who would throw them. My car was always breaking. I was behind on all my bills. And excuse after lame excuse. Then, I saw them as life being unfair. I was being tested unfairly and it was bullshit! Why the fuck should all this happen to me?
I managed to drag myself off the bottle long enough to land a knock out job, as a lead specialist in my career field no less. I also finally saw a shrink because in addition to the addiction, I was tired of not knowing what the hell was wrong with my on off heightened energy, spending, lack of feeling, and ability to forget depressing moments without a thought. Bi Polar manic! God damn, 2013 was a hoot.
Well a few years later, I hate that I was ever that weak. They weren't reasons. They were lame excuses. It was life and I didn't cope or even maybe want to cope with it. So the booze began to flow. And those who know me know I drank a lot. And as shitty as it sounds; and I cannot lie here, I don't even remember which night was the first when I caved. There was a 2-3 week span where I was on a fifth of 3/4s a case of booze a day. Dip just came as a natural crutch to keep that buzz going. I remember the weekend after the first week of falling back in. I was staring at an empty 40 of Ol' E with a jizz tissue and dip spit in it. I will never forget that I sat there, TV off, said Fuck it out loud then put another lip of Grizzly Mint in and down half a 40 in a single long, mint tinged gulp. I threw up, pissed my pants a few hours later, and didn't even care. Disgraceful and weak? Oh it gets even worse.
The year of 2013 saw me cave, lose friends, but also saw some new things.
My job allowed me to think and be creative but also required a tremendous load of responsibility. I got back into working out. I put back drinking to a much better amount. I repaired things with my ex-fiance (now soon to be) and removed a lot of the negative weight that was on me.
But...still dipped.
It became an after thought and I had excuse after excuse as to why. Hunger cravings? Dip. Stress? Dip. Weather was nice? Dip. Weather was bad? Dip. You get the idea.
2014 rolled in and I was at a tin a week. Sometimes less, sometimes more. But I thought I was better then before so I'd be able to quit.
It wasn't until October 3rd that I said no. And how? I drove into the gas station to grab a red bull and the attendent asked if I wanted any dip. I bullshit you not, I said "Nah, I'm good". That was it. I had told myself that I couldn't be forced to quit. I watched my girlfriend's uncle struggle with jaw, mouth, and throat cancer and have a 6 month life sentence. Cause? Dipped when he was younger for ONLY 3 years. I dipped all throughout this process! Jesus fucking Christ I cannot believe I did that. It was a slap to everything he and her entire family went through. I would drive to their house, OUT FUCKING FRONT, pull out my wad spit and clean up. Half the time not even wash my mouth. Yeah, 2013 and early 2014 was bad. I was a slap in the face, inconsiderate fuck. I look at the decision in October and while I am thankful it happened, I feel disgusted it was so casual. I watched someone who I have known closely for 10 years, waste away, and did not change. He is recovering now and it looks like treatment has beaten it but I find it hard to look him in the eye and congratulate and feel apart of the celebration. I was a filthy fraud. Spitting in the face of that struggle and with no car to my own history with graff scares, bleeding gums, throw up...
So October 3rd was the day I said, I'm good. Haven't looked at it since. I depending heavily on working out to stave my cravings because afterall I had had a year and a half of abuse and putting weight on. Being a naturally addictive person, I quickly felt on top of the world and I would be the most wholesome person you have seen on the planet. (Yea my head works that way...not a peachy time)
Then MRSA hit and I was in the ER and hospital for a week. Damn near lost my arm. Came out and that day passed a sign for a sale on Cope for 1.99. I thought about it but turned away. I felt proud; however within a few hours it dawned on me. Why should I feel proud because I said no? I said no before for over a hundred days but IT WAS STILL THERE. Waiting until I gave myself enough of a pity party to put that dogshit in my mouth. It was there too. Discharged fresh from the hospital an within hours that thought crossed my mind. Did I actively want one? No. But my subconcious...that addiction...it was there. It's still there. I still force myself to think of a lip in my wrecked ass top gums (had to horseshoe because I fucked my bottom gum up so badly). I am thankful that it makes me want to gag and my stomach turns.
Yes, I can honestly say I am a lot different. I have repaired relationships, am on the constant journey of progress for myself, and even though I only quit a few months ago, I am getting in the routine of having the pieces in place. I even drink only once a week now!
But I am not right. I am not clean of the shit I pulled. The endless web of lies and deceit wrapped in a veil of alcohol so deep that even I don't know what is true and what is fake from 2012-2013. Fuck me I wish I was being dramatic. Those of you who are heavy drinkers know the effects I am talking about.
So why am I here? Because this place was the best thing that happened to me. I won't even say my girl just yet because she couldn't give me what I needed or relate to this. You guys did. And I did not understand or work to understand how serious, deep, and meaningful this place and the people within it and the impact was and is. I frequently thought during my relapse about coming back. Posting my rightful cave and then sulking back away because "I wasn't ready". I realize this is about the worst thing I could have done. I am worse than those who caved and didn't say anything or came back. I acted like a weakling and am now here to ask for forgiveness and the chance to rejoin this family. Today was difficult for me.
KK's text sent a shot through me. Reliving 2013. Reliving all that I did. Reliving the joy I felt here and the morning messages and reminders to roll call and how I missed that. How it was my fault I lost it and didn't do shit to get it back. It's embarassing and it'd be easy to avoid the site and the people. Electronic communication is simply the click of an 'Ignore' away. But I did enough of that. I hadn't owned up to years of shit I did and this was the big non-nicotine covered elephant in the room.
I am rambling. I am all over the place. It is a lot to revisit and hard to iron out what I want to say and how. I don't want, need, or am looking for sympathy. Sympathy in addiction is WEAK and enabling. I definitely learned that.
I ask that you members of KTC, both new, old, and in between please take me back. I sit here at 118 days nicotine free and whether you believe it or not, I can sit here and with a smile say that. Doesn't make anything I did go away. I am prepared for my licks. I am prepared to answer anything you want both in question and in statement.
Moving forward, I plan on doing what I've been. I fight my cravings by remembering how much of a fuck I was and where I am now. I walk. I hydrate. I run. I do positive work to my mind and body because I don't plan on fast tracking my big ass into a grave. Not when I have so much to see and do.
I wear my cave as a begrudginged badge. I caved. I bitched out.
I am here now, asking you to re-accept me into the fold. My p3ers....it may take me until the morning to write my post. It may be tonight. Worse than letting down KTC was letting down you. I wasn't a quiet member and neither were you remaining guys. We talked, fought, overcome each hurdle of temptation and each disappointment of someone caving.
My life has been on track for a while now. I have fought and clawed and done so many stpes in order to right my busted and weak self. I do not plan on stopping and losing this. I also now respect this addiction. I did 100+ days before and what did it matter? I had life scares and what did it matter? Well eventually you either succumb 100% or you grab your shit and stand the fuck up.
I am standing and I am here. She is not a kick to the curb kind of whore, She is the kind always waiting and now I understand how dangerous that is. I do not want to be the next cancer statistic. I do not want to leave my girl as we are now actually enjoying our life together.
I want to share the burdens of you quitters. I know what its like to hit your milestones. I know what it's like to fall off and hide. I am now learning what it is like to accept responsibility as a man and make your dues.
KilltheCan members, will you let me return to the family?
Sincerely,
Nick
