Day 178 and the cost of freedom
The last couple months I've been sick, in a funk, cabin fever, unhappy with life in general. I've been an irritable prick at home and I needed a change and an outlet. I've posted roll daily, made and honored my commitments some major, major changes in my life. You'd think this in itself would make things better, but it didn't. My escape route had been cut off. My family had been avoiding me. I didn't even want to be with me life sucked major ass.
Haven't been fishing or anything besides busy every damn day routines for way too long, so I blew off last night to hit the shooting range to try out some new hardware I picked up. 150 rounds and an hour later I found myself with a smile on my face and hot steel in my hand. I came home so happy my wife asked if I'd been drinking. This carried me through to today and I feel changed. Maybe I have turned the corner, or maybe I am just getting a glimpse of what a happy life is really about. I don't know for sure, but I like it.
The message here is hope. Denying yourself your outlets, your vices, your crutches is going to hurt like hell. The changes from within are going to come only after the pain and suffering are complete and you make it over the wall you have been trying to scale. This is the same wall you built to hide behind to cope, and deal with the insecurities, the problems of life. Taking away the security blanket exposes you to all of the shit you were trying to avoid and escape from in the first place. Never learning to deal with life in a healthy way is a trap. The longer you wait to learn, the longer it will take to resolve. Dulling the senses for the pain also dulls the senses for the good things in life too. Life is too short not to experience in a real way, without a substance masking reality, of good or bad. I choose to live my life free today.