I quit again for the last time

[jaynellie]

FOR POSTERITY - HERE'S WHAT I SAID TO MY 2010 COCKS AND WHAT I SAID IN MY NEW MAY 2013 GROUP:

To the COCKS:

I think we all know that the explanations all sound like or come in the form of excuses. I won't make any. I thought I had it under control - that leads to moving away from the site. That means not making your promise every day, but still staying away from nicotine. That leads to an over-inflated sense of self-confidence and hubris. That leads to "I'm going to the lake with the guys for the weekend, I can have a dip on Saturday night and quit on Monday," which leads to "I'm under a lot of stress right now, so I can dip while I'm going through this particular issue (for me it was job change and home sale and purchase and renovation) and I will quit when this is over. Which leads to full blown sucking from the bitches breast. Which leads me back here, where I never thought I'd be again. Asking for help and forgiveness.

SPACE: "What are you going to do differently to ensure that it doesn't happen again?"

The main thing that I have to do is not let my head tell me I'm bigger than this addiction, or that I'm ever over it - I of course read the hundreds of posts about how guys cave years into their quit, and I was able to convince myself "not me".

One thing that caused me to back away from the site (and I may have told somebody this in a private message at one point) was that I felt like it was constantly making me think about dipping (after day 250 or so, it was the thought that I had succeeded in quitting) and I thought at the time was that that was going to keep dipping in the forefront of my mind and make me dip again. That is not the case. What this site does is keep you active in your quit. There is a big distinction there, I think.

I didn't do a lot of outside-the-site reaching out, and maybe that will be more helpful, but I think the biggest things that I've learned are that 1) I will always be addicted to dipping; 2) It IS me; I am that guy - that thought won't be in my head on day 250; and 3) I must be actively quitting, or every day I will be passively moving back to dipping.

In full disclosure, this is not a recent cave. I've been too much of a pussy to crawl back (I don't think proud is the right word) - though I have been telling myself since I started back that I'm fully capable of quitting on my own. I've been trying for 6 months and have been incapable of doing it. Complacency is the killer.

The guilt is amazing. The disappointment is difficult to take - I could be in the 900s. The guilt and abuse is necessary. I tried to help most people, I tried not to get involved in the snippy dip-rage fueled feuds, I reached out, I was a strong quitter, and I failed. I failed you guys who stuck it out in October, I failed the people I tried to help, and I am truly sorry.

To the Maysters of the Universe:

Hey folks -

I was originally a HOF of the October 2010 class. I quit dipping for a long time. I started again.

My 100 days was October 26, 2010

The last roll call I can find was March 28, 2011. Here's my lesson. You have to be actively involved in your quit, or you will passively resort back to the addict you are.

I made a conscious decision to stop posting. I felt like all I did all day was talk about dipping (or not dipping, I should say), and hang out with other people online who were affiliated with each other because they had a single common thread - dipping. I felt like this, after around 250 days or so, was something that was keeping dipping in the forefront of my mind. At the time, I thought that this was going to lead me back to dipping. I was completely fucking wrong. You're not thinking about dipping while you're on here. You're actively thinking about not dipping. When you are being active, every day, making a promise, and struggling to keep that promise, you are ACTIVELY INVOLVED IN YOUR QUIT. When you aren't, you are closer to thinking about dipping again. When you think that you have it, you don't. When you just want to put it out of your mind, you'll forget why you're quitting. You'll forget how fucking hard it was. You'll forget how much you were screwing up so you can dip. And you will start again. Because you are an addict.

This I think, is probably particularly true for new quitters. 10 years from now, or 15 years from now (when you have the expected cancer rates of a normal person again), it may be easier to let it slip from your mind. But you have to be ever vigilant.

I never thought I'd be the guy. But I am. I've apologized to my October 2010 brothers, and I hope this new class will accept me. Hopefully, my failure can lead to somebody else's success.

Some of this is cut and pasted from what i posted in Oct 2010 due to iphone typing.

I thought I had it under control - that leads to moving away from the site. That means not making your promise every day, but I stayed away from nicotine for a long time after that. That leads to an over-inflated sense of self-confidence and hubris. That leads to "I'm going to the lake with the guys for the weekend, I can have a dip on Saturday night and quit on Monday," which leads to "I'm under a lot of stress right now, so I can dip while I'm going through this particular issue (for me it was job change and home sale and purchase and renovation) and I will quit when this is over. Which leads to full blown sucking from the bitches breast.

The main thing that I have to do is not let my head tell me I'm bigger than this addiction, or that I'm ever over it - I of course read the hundreds of posts about how guys cave years into their quit, and I was able to convince myself "not me".

I didn't do a lot of outside-the-site reaching out, and maybe that will be more helpful, but I think the biggest things that I've learned are that 1) I will always be addicted to dipping; 2) It IS me; I am that guy - that thought won't be in my head on day 250; and 3) I must be actively quitting.

I had many guys on my phone to reach out to. I involved myself in multiple groups on the site a posted a lot. I responded to requests for help, went in the chat rooms, made friends, played fantasy football with a bunch of quitters. And then I got too big for my britches. And then, when I got in trouble, I didn't have the balls to come back. Till now.

I can't pinpoint an exact moment. Our group was dwindling after the HOF, it started to feel like it wasn't as important. It seems like day 250 is about the time I decided I could do it on my own. And that's what it was. I thought I could do it on my own. Once I made that decision, it became easier not to post roll on weekends or when it was inconvenient. I decided it didn't matter I think might be a better way to put it.

The reason why you can trust me is that that single decision - that i could do it on my own, is why I faded and why I failed. I needed this and didn't realize that it wasn't just a stepping stone. For me, it's dedication to posting and promising and staying active that is going to keep me on the straight and narrow. Also, I'm using my original name. I want these guys to learn, as i learned from others caves. I want this part of the process, because it is important.

cmay1 Let's get this righted again brother..Maysters stand strong and stand together. You are the heart of this group and "WE" need you back to a more consistent presence in the group. QLFEDD!!! Besides I think TT misses you in a "special" way????? :wub:

[jaynellie]

FOR POSTERITY - HERE'S WHAT I SAID TO MY 2010 COCKS AND WHAT I SAID IN MY NEW MAY 2013 GROUP:

To the COCKS:

I think we all know that the explanations all sound like or come in the form of excuses. I won't make any. I thought I had it under control - that leads to moving away from the site. That means not making your promise every day, but still staying away from nicotine. That leads to an over-inflated sense of self-confidence and hubris. That leads to "I'm going to the lake with the guys for the weekend, I can have a dip on Saturday night and quit on Monday," which leads to "I'm under a lot of stress right now, so I can dip while I'm going through this particular issue (for me it was job change and home sale and purchase and renovation) and I will quit when this is over. Which leads to full blown sucking from the bitches breast. Which leads me back here, where I never thought I'd be again. Asking for help and forgiveness.

SPACE: "What are you going to do differently to ensure that it doesn't happen again?"

The main thing that I have to do is not let my head tell me I'm bigger than this addiction, or that I'm ever over it - I of course read the hundreds of posts about how guys cave years into their quit, and I was able to convince myself "not me".

One thing that caused me to back away from the site (and I may have told somebody this in a private message at one point) was that I felt like it was constantly making me think about dipping (after day 250 or so, it was the thought that I had succeeded in quitting) and I thought at the time was that that was going to keep dipping in the forefront of my mind and make me dip again. That is not the case. What this site does is keep you active in your quit. There is a big distinction there, I think.

I didn't do a lot of outside-the-site reaching out, and maybe that will be more helpful, but I think the biggest things that I've learned are that 1) I will always be addicted to dipping; 2) It IS me; I am that guy - that thought won't be in my head on day 250; and 3) I must be actively quitting, or every day I will be passively moving back to dipping.

In full disclosure, this is not a recent cave. I've been too much of a pussy to crawl back (I don't think proud is the right word) - though I have been telling myself since I started back that I'm fully capable of quitting on my own. I've been trying for 6 months and have been incapable of doing it. Complacency is the killer.

The guilt is amazing. The disappointment is difficult to take - I could be in the 900s. The guilt and abuse is necessary. I tried to help most people, I tried not to get involved in the snippy dip-rage fueled feuds, I reached out, I was a strong quitter, and I failed. I failed you guys who stuck it out in October, I failed the people I tried to help, and I am truly sorry.

To the Maysters of the Universe:

Hey folks -

I was originally a HOF of the October 2010 class. I quit dipping for a long time. I started again.

My 100 days was October 26, 2010

The last roll call I can find was March 28, 2011. Here's my lesson. You have to be actively involved in your quit, or you will passively resort back to the addict you are.

I made a conscious decision to stop posting. I felt like all I did all day was talk about dipping (or not dipping, I should say), and hang out with other people online who were affiliated with each other because they had a single common thread - dipping. I felt like this, after around 250 days or so, was something that was keeping dipping in the forefront of my mind. At the time, I thought that this was going to lead me back to dipping. I was completely fucking wrong. You're not thinking about dipping while you're on here. You're actively thinking about not dipping. When you are being active, every day, making a promise, and struggling to keep that promise, you are ACTIVELY INVOLVED IN YOUR QUIT. When you aren't, you are closer to thinking about dipping again. When you think that you have it, you don't. When you just want to put it out of your mind, you'll forget why you're quitting. You'll forget how fucking hard it was. You'll forget how much you were screwing up so you can dip. And you will start again. Because you are an addict.

This I think, is probably particularly true for new quitters. 10 years from now, or 15 years from now (when you have the expected cancer rates of a normal person again), it may be easier to let it slip from your mind. But you have to be ever vigilant.

I never thought I'd be the guy. But I am. I've apologized to my October 2010 brothers, and I hope this new class will accept me. Hopefully, my failure can lead to somebody else's success.

Some of this is cut and pasted from what i posted in Oct 2010 due to iphone typing.

I thought I had it under control - that leads to moving away from the site. That means not making your promise every day, but I stayed away from nicotine for a long time after that. That leads to an over-inflated sense of self-confidence and hubris. That leads to "I'm going to the lake with the guys for the weekend, I can have a dip on Saturday night and quit on Monday," which leads to "I'm under a lot of stress right now, so I can dip while I'm going through this particular issue (for me it was job change and home sale and purchase and renovation) and I will quit when this is over. Which leads to full blown sucking from the bitches breast.

The main thing that I have to do is not let my head tell me I'm bigger than this addiction, or that I'm ever over it - I of course read the hundreds of posts about how guys cave years into their quit, and I was able to convince myself "not me".

I didn't do a lot of outside-the-site reaching out, and maybe that will be more helpful, but I think the biggest things that I've learned are that 1) I will always be addicted to dipping; 2) It IS me; I am that guy - that thought won't be in my head on day 250; and 3) I must be actively quitting.

I had many guys on my phone to reach out to. I involved myself in multiple groups on the site a posted a lot. I responded to requests for help, went in the chat rooms, made friends, played fantasy football with a bunch of quitters. And then I got too big for my britches. And then, when I got in trouble, I didn't have the balls to come back. Till now.

I can't pinpoint an exact moment. Our group was dwindling after the HOF, it started to feel like it wasn't as important. It seems like day 250 is about the time I decided I could do it on my own. And that's what it was. I thought I could do it on my own. Once I made that decision, it became easier not to post roll on weekends or when it was inconvenient. I decided it didn't matter I think might be a better way to put it.

The reason why you can trust me is that that single decision - that i could do it on my own, is why I faded and why I failed. I needed this and didn't realize that it wasn't just a stepping stone. For me, it's dedication to posting and promising and staying active that is going to keep me on the straight and narrow. Also, I'm using my original name. I want these guys to learn, as i learned from others caves. I want this part of the process, because it is important.

This is Bad ASS I'm glad i found this cmay1.....you might be as well. :ph43r:

[cmay1]

The value of chat cannot be ignored. When I first started here in 2010, you had to go through six steps and be tethered to a computer to chat with your fellow quitters. Now you can take your iPad or smart phone and have quit resources at your finger tips wherever you are. There is a chat app, chat123, that allows this. Being able to sign in and have real time access to strong quitters at any time is invaluable.

[cmay1]

FOR POSTERITY - HERE'S WHAT I SAID TO MY 2010 COCKS AND WHAT I SAID IN MY NEW MAY 2013 GROUP:

To the COCKS:

I think we all know that the explanations all sound like or come in the form of excuses. I won't make any. I thought I had it under control - that leads to moving away from the site. That means not making your promise every day, but still staying away from nicotine. That leads to an over-inflated sense of self-confidence and hubris. That leads to "I'm going to the lake with the guys for the weekend, I can have a dip on Saturday night and quit on Monday," which leads to "I'm under a lot of stress right now, so I can dip while I'm going through this particular issue (for me it was job change and home sale and purchase and renovation) and I will quit when this is over. Which leads to full blown sucking from the bitches breast. Which leads me back here, where I never thought I'd be again. Asking for help and forgiveness.

SPACE: "What are you going to do differently to ensure that it doesn't happen again?"

The main thing that I have to do is not let my head tell me I'm bigger than this addiction, or that I'm ever over it - I of course read the hundreds of posts about how guys cave years into their quit, and I was able to convince myself "not me".

One thing that caused me to back away from the site (and I may have told somebody this in a private message at one point) was that I felt like it was constantly making me think about dipping (after day 250 or so, it was the thought that I had succeeded in quitting) and I thought at the time was that that was going to keep dipping in the forefront of my mind and make me dip again. That is not the case. What this site does is keep you active in your quit. There is a big distinction there, I think.

I didn't do a lot of outside-the-site reaching out, and maybe that will be more helpful, but I think the biggest things that I've learned are that 1) I will always be addicted to dipping; 2) It IS me; I am that guy - that thought won't be in my head on day 250; and 3) I must be actively quitting, or every day I will be passively moving back to dipping.

In full disclosure, this is not a recent cave. I've been too much of a pussy to crawl back (I don't think proud is the right word) - though I have been telling myself since I started back that I'm fully capable of quitting on my own. I've been trying for 6 months and have been incapable of doing it. Complacency is the killer.

The guilt is amazing. The disappointment is difficult to take - I could be in the 900s. The guilt and abuse is necessary. I tried to help most people, I tried not to get involved in the snippy dip-rage fueled feuds, I reached out, I was a strong quitter, and I failed. I failed you guys who stuck it out in October, I failed the people I tried to help, and I am truly sorry.

To the Maysters of the Universe:

Hey folks -

I was originally a HOF of the October 2010 class. I quit dipping for a long time. I started again.

My 100 days was October 26, 2010

The last roll call I can find was March 28, 2011. Here's my lesson. You have to be actively involved in your quit, or you will passively resort back to the addict you are.

I made a conscious decision to stop posting. I felt like all I did all day was talk about dipping (or not dipping, I should say), and hang out with other people online who were affiliated with each other because they had a single common thread - dipping. I felt like this, after around 250 days or so, was something that was keeping dipping in the forefront of my mind. At the time, I thought that this was going to lead me back to dipping. I was completely fucking wrong. You're not thinking about dipping while you're on here. You're actively thinking about not dipping. When you are being active, every day, making a promise, and struggling to keep that promise, you are ACTIVELY INVOLVED IN YOUR QUIT. When you aren't, you are closer to thinking about dipping again. When you think that you have it, you don't. When you just want to put it out of your mind, you'll forget why you're quitting. You'll forget how fucking hard it was. You'll forget how much you were screwing up so you can dip. And you will start again. Because you are an addict.

This I think, is probably particularly true for new quitters. 10 years from now, or 15 years from now (when you have the expected cancer rates of a normal person again), it may be easier to let it slip from your mind. But you have to be ever vigilant.

I never thought I'd be the guy. But I am. I've apologized to my October 2010 brothers, and I hope this new class will accept me. Hopefully, my failure can lead to somebody else's success.

Some of this is cut and pasted from what i posted in Oct 2010 due to iphone typing.

I thought I had it under control - that leads to moving away from the site. That means not making your promise every day, but I stayed away from nicotine for a long time after that. That leads to an over-inflated sense of self-confidence and hubris. That leads to "I'm going to the lake with the guys for the weekend, I can have a dip on Saturday night and quit on Monday," which leads to "I'm under a lot of stress right now, so I can dip while I'm going through this particular issue (for me it was job change and home sale and purchase and renovation) and I will quit when this is over. Which leads to full blown sucking from the bitches breast.

The main thing that I have to do is not let my head tell me I'm bigger than this addiction, or that I'm ever over it - I of course read the hundreds of posts about how guys cave years into their quit, and I was able to convince myself "not me".

I didn't do a lot of outside-the-site reaching out, and maybe that will be more helpful, but I think the biggest things that I've learned are that 1) I will always be addicted to dipping; 2) It IS me; I am that guy - that thought won't be in my head on day 250; and 3) I must be actively quitting.

I had many guys on my phone to reach out to. I involved myself in multiple groups on the site a posted a lot. I responded to requests for help, went in the chat rooms, made friends, played fantasy football with a bunch of quitters. And then I got too big for my britches. And then, when I got in trouble, I didn't have the balls to come back. Till now.

I can't pinpoint an exact moment. Our group was dwindling after the HOF, it started to feel like it wasn't as important. It seems like day 250 is about the time I decided I could do it on my own. And that's what it was. I thought I could do it on my own. Once I made that decision, it became easier not to post roll on weekends or when it was inconvenient. I decided it didn't matter I think might be a better way to put it.

The reason why you can trust me is that that single decision - that i could do it on my own, is why I faded and why I failed. I needed this and didn't realize that it wasn't just a stepping stone. For me, it's dedication to posting and promising and staying active that is going to keep me on the straight and narrow. Also, I'm using my original name. I want these guys to learn, as i learned from others caves. I want this part of the process, because it is important.

[per034]

I feel like I'm missing something. A day ten posted today.Maybe a typo? I definitely missed something. But more importantly, what this thread is missing is a description of what happened. That moment when you chose to abandon your quit. What happened? It's important because it can help others. It can help me. If you tell me what the impetus was for you letting your gaurd down and caving, then I may be able to spot it before I face that terrible choice once again.

I'm not going to ask for the three answers. Frankly, with a 2010 join date, you know better. I just want to know what happened. So I can learn from your mistakes. Just as I provided my story when I caved, you should provide yours.

If I missed all this somewhere else on this site, I'm sorry. But it belongs here, in this thread.

[cmay1]

I found it! I was an introspective son of a bitch last time - I didn't think to look for my original intro until now. Good news is, I went back 70 pages and scrolled through until I got back to Page 2 where mine was, thanks to the Waste bump below. None too smart today.

Scrolling through 70 pages and 2.5 years of introductions, I noticed something. At least from my quit group, there were VERY few returning cavers. In fact, there was only one. I remember a few that I was close with. Tberge, Gracesdad, bennythekid, I had all of their numbers and they had mine. Tberge caved before 100. Gracesdad stopped posting roll before I did, I think. bennythekid was spotty at best, a musician if I recall, but we exchanged texts and had that in common.

BTK was the only return poster that I found from our group. There may have been more, and I was really only looking for my name until I happened across Benny's "Help" post. His posts were a little weak, it looked like he was trying to keep roll on his own in his introduction page, and it looked like he lasted until day 8. Anybody from Feb. 12 that remembers him posting roll, correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think he lasted too long.

Its hard to come back, gentlemen. This is the only thing that has ever worked for me quitting in 10 years of trying, I KNOW I can't quit better than when I'm working this site and posting roll, I KNOW that this is my best option. The other thing I've known for the past 6 months is that I HATE dipping with all my heart, and that there was nothing more in this world that I wanted to do than quit doing it. I knew where the tools were, I knew how passionately I hated what I was doing and how depressing it was that I was doing it again, and I STILL had a hard time coming back. I was ashamed. I was proud. I was guilty. I knew what was coming.

Point is, DON'T EVER FUCKING LEAVE. Then you don't have to go through all that. Its hard enough the first time around. Its exponentially harder the second. And this is something that WORKS BETTER THAN ANYTHING ELSE. Use it or lose it, like a lot of cavers before me. I'm so glad I sacked up and came back, and that everybody's got my back and me back on the right path.

You guys rock.

[wastepanel]

Bump as I see a fresh day 1

[Rkymtnman]

time......time......time......

It gets so much fucking better still - for both of you guys - that you can't possibly imagine.

Just today I realized that I don't even remember being a dipper. Sure I remember it in *general* terms but it seems like so fucking long ago, I can't even regard myself as a guy who used to feed his addiction daily.

Now, this is not to say that I don't still actively acknowledge my addiction and fight it on a daily basis by giving my word but I can't remember the last craving, the last dip dream, the last funk (and I had a shit load of them...), etc. This is a good thing and will happen in time.

I thought I should be "free" at 100 days. Wasn't the case. Certainly by 200. Still a bitch from time to time. Keep fighting that daily battle and time will take care of the rest.

Merry Christmas quitters.

[Bean]

I'm glad you said that. I'm at Day 103...couldn't be happier. But I still think about dip way too much. It helps me to encourage others. Reading what a new quit is going through reminds me of exactly what I don't want to go through again.

I'm nic free to stay. I entered the HOF days ago...best Christmas present I've ever gotten.

[cmay1]

Holy balls - reading the stuff I wrote back in August, seems like a different person. Some of you may notice that I have been especially active on the threads today.

That is because my job is driving me nuts. 14-16 hour days for the last 2 months at least.

This used to be when I'd walk down to the lobby shop, buy a can of skoal straight, and dig in for the long hours.

Not any more. I've got KTC, I've made my promise to my October 2010 quit brothers (and sister) and the rest of you, and I've got an outlet for my exhaustion and frustration.

Not really craving, just thinking about dip from a historical perspective. Just wanted to check in on myself.

Thanks, e'rybody.

(Forgot I had two intro pages) Admins, can we delete the logging the quit one?

[Greg5280]

ALL CT SCANS CLEAR!

No one is in any danger.  A relief, just in time for my trip to Vegas.  Leaving tomorrow am, and will be in 104 degree weather by noon. 

Fired up.  Dip Free.  Kicking ass and taking names (and hopefully winning some dough!).

I'll try to post by phone -

Thats great news! Kick ass in Vegas and win big! Luck be a lady tonight!

Excellent news !!! Enjoy your trip

[davenc]

ALL CT SCANS CLEAR!

No one is in any danger. A relief, just in time for my trip to Vegas. Leaving tomorrow am, and will be in 104 degree weather by noon.

Fired up. Dip Free. Kicking ass and taking names (and hopefully winning some dough!).

I'll try to post by phone -

Thats great news! Kick ass in Vegas and win big! Luck be a lady tonight!

[cmay1]

ALL CT SCANS CLEAR!

No one is in any danger. A relief, just in time for my trip to Vegas. Leaving tomorrow am, and will be in 104 degree weather by noon.

Fired up. Dip Free. Kicking ass and taking names (and hopefully winning some dough!).

I'll try to post by phone -

[Greg5280]

Hang in there man. I know the feeling. Just remember no matter what happens in your life dipping will not make it better.

If you need to talk about anything PM me and my number is yours.

Stay strong brother

Greg

[cmay1]

Not sure about the wife, but how do 2 CT scans in one week sound?  Fun, right?

Well, my wife got one last Wed. (she's too scared to call her doctor, and heaven forbid those fuckers actually remember her and let her know what her scan results are), then my 3 year old was helping me make pancakes on Pancake Saturday (which happens to be every Saturday since she was 6 months old), and she fell off the chair she was standing on and hit her head.

She threw up, so the wife took her to the hospital. She checked out fine, and then came home and had a possessed-like fit complaining of pain in her head, so the wife took her back to the hospital where CT scan number 2 was performed.

Daughter is fine, wife is paranoid, and I'm out a few thousand dollars. Great week last week.