Hello everyone. I decided after much back and forth that I would create an account and post here. I decided last Tuesday to give up the can. It wasn't a "hardcore quit" like I see many people post on here. I didn't say "F U" to the can or anything like that, I just said to myself that once I ran out I wouldn't buy any more and see if I can kick this habit. Let me back up and give you a quick rundown of my story.
I started rubbing snuff in 2007 at 25 year old when I moved in with a roommate who was a habitual user. My life was in shambles after all three of my family members were in the ICU that year and I needed a way to "decompress". It started with snuff pouches and eventually led to the loose stuff. I was pretty much a "ninja" user and only a select few individuals knew about it. As the years went on so did the habit. My father passed away in 2008 and my relationship with my fiance at the time was falling apart. She ended up finding out about my habit and scolded me like a dog. This made me feel worthless as a person. Shortly after, we parted ways. Just an FYI, it wasn't the tobacco that ended our relationship.
Anyways, over the years I had really let myself go. I became overweight and my health was now a concern. I decided to start working out and watching my diet. I ended up losing a good amount of weight (80-90lbs) and after a while, started dating again. I decided to set my sights high and go after a particular girl who I was intrigued by. She was someone who I thought of as being "out of my league", but I was so smitten that I didn't even care. I never let on about my tobacco use and I would rub snuff up until the time I picked her up for a date and immediately again after I dropped her back off. One day I had a moment of clarity and decided that if I was going to date a girl of this caliber, she would not be accommodating of my habit. So cold turkey it was. I threw the can out and never looked back. Unfortunately, a few months later, she decided that she wasn't ready for a relationship and we parted ways. We kept in touch here and there, but nothing more than that.
Even though I was upset that we couldn't make it work, I didn't default on my quit (at that point). I had a new found sense of confidence after losing weight and quitting my habit that I decided to make some further life changes. I quit my full-time job and decided to go back to college to finish my degree. This was something I had regretted not doing and it was actually the "out-of-my-league girl" that convinced me to go back. She simply said to me one day, "you should never have any regrets in life". So in January of 2011, I returned to college as a 29 year old student. Things were going well at that point. I was acing all of my classes and still solid in my quit. However, I ended up having to take an overnight security job so that I could attend classes during the day. That meant trying to stay awake all night not only to do my job, but to also work on homework. I was struggling to stay awake and focused all night. I ended up caving when I saw a coworker rubbing chewing tobacco. I thought to myself, "chewing tobacco isn't as strong as snuff so you won't get hooked". At first, I did pretty good with it. I only chewed the nights my coworker and I worked together and it was only once a night. However, one thing led to another and the next thing I know is that I'm buying/rubbing snuff everyday again.
Fast forward a year or so and the "out-of-my league" girl and I start talking again and decided to go out for dinner one night. Things were different this time around and we were both ready for a relationship. I'll save you from all the lovey dovey stuff but fast forward 2-3 later and that girl is now my wife. Things in life are great. I graduated at the top of my class in December of 2014. My wife and I have been married two years in June and I couldn't be happier. What I'm not happy about is that since we've been married I have been in full "ninja" mode. I never stopped rubbing snuff once we moved in together, but it was always behind her back. I literally couldn't wait for her to leave for work in the morning so I could pop in a rub. I found myself timing when she left work so that I could continue to rub up until the very last minute before she pulled into the driveway. I would make excuses to run errands just so I could partake in my filthy habit. At this point in our marriage, she knew that I had rubbed here and there in the past, but never knew is was a habit or that I was currently rubbing every day behind her back.
That was up until about two months ago. One day she came home to find a spitter that I left on the counter. When questioned about it, I came somewhat clean and told that that I sometimes rub snuff. She was actually pretty cool about it and we didn't discuss it anymore that evening. I was always fine with doing it behind her back because I was afraid that if she was ok with it then I would do it more often. Two weeks after getting busted with the spitter we were lying in bed. She turned to me out of nowhere and asked if I rubbed everyday. I hesitated for a moment and then decided to come totally clean. I told her the truth and that I was addicted. Again, she was fairly cool about it but this time she asked me to work on quitting. She said especially if we were going to have kids she wanted me to be around for the long haul. I vowed that I would work on quitting, but didn't really take it to heart. For the next couple of weeks, I still rubbed but I still didn't do it in front of her. I had felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders since I came totally clean with her. It was the only secret I kept from her and the cat was now finally out of the bag.
This brings us up to last Tuesday. I actually believe my last rub was on Monday, but we'll go with Tuesday as my official quit day. I apologize this post is so long, but once I started typing it just kinda flowed out of me. She doesn't know that I'm seven days clean and I really don't want to tell her until I'm at least 30 days clean. I just feel like that is more of an accomplishment and something she could take more seriously. I'm still having cravings, but I'm fighting those off with gum, seeds, etc. My main issue is that it used to give me something to look forward to and now I feel like I have nothing. Now, while that's not necessarily true, it does feel like I have an empty void in my life now. Any advice or suggestions are greatly appreciated. I am still working out 5-6 days a week and watching my diet. One of my main fears was weight gain after quitting so I'm trying to closely monitor that. Like I said, I'm new to the site and this is my first post. I apologize if I've done things out of order or broken any rules. Here's to one week clean. 'Cheers'
