(Coach Steve wakes up in his room on the second floor of the Glass House of April 2012. "Morning wood again?" Coach Steve mutters to himself as he looks under the covers. He sits up and props his legs over the side of the bed as he stretches. "Welp, time to go post roll first thing!" says Coach Steve as he walks out into the Glass Hallway and makes his way down the stairs to the Foyer. Coach Steve passes Bigwhitebeast on his wayÂ…)
CS: Good morning BWB!
BWB: {giving CS a dirty look} What are you doing?
CS: {puzzled look} Just on my way to post roll
(As CS approaches the roll page on the wall of the Glass Foyer he turns and looks back at BWB who is still glaring at him)
CS: {to himself} PfftÂ….maybe Beastie is having a bad day?
(CS proceeds to write his name on roll and as he turns around he sees BWB, Cbird, Vadge and Pavetheway standing there glaring at him)
Pavetheway: Who the fuck do you think you are?
Vadge: I didn't expect this from you CoachÂ….
CS: {throwing up his hands} Alright what in the hell is everyone talking about? All I'm doing is posting roll!
Cbird: Well then what's that in your lip?
CS: My lipÂ….?
(CS touches his finger to his lip and realizes he has a fat wad of cat turds shoved in his lip)
CS: GuysÂ….it must be fakeÂ…right?
BWB: Check his pockets
(Vadge and Pavetheway frisk CS and find a can of Kodiak Wintergreen in the pocket of his PJ pants)
Cbird: Do you want to explain something Coach?
CS: GuysÂ….I swear it isnÂ’t mineÂ…
(Vadge and Pavetheway grabs CS by the arms and drag him out of the Glass House)
CS: Guys, please stop, this is all a misunderstanding! IsnÂ’t this place all about forgiveness?
BWB: Tell that to the ADMIN!
CS: Nooooooooooo
(The scene flashes back to CSÂ’s room as he sits up in bed yelling, startled awake by what was only a horrible dip dreamÂ…Â…)
CS: {checking his lip with his tongue} ItÂ’s goneÂ….it wasnÂ’t real
Cbird: You posted roll while dipping again didnÂ’t you?
CS: {startled} Oh manÂ….you scared the crap out of me! How long have you been there?
(Cbird is sitting in the corner of CSÂ’s room wearing a bath robe and running shoes and holding a cup of coffee. The morning sun is streaming beams of light through the shades, but CbirdÂ’s face is covered by shadows}
Cbird: {leaning into the light} You had that dream again didnÂ’t youÂ….the one where you posted roll while dipping?
CS: YeahÂ….how did you know?
Cbird: You were talking in your sleepÂ…well, more like yelling in your sleep
CS: ManÂ….thatÂ’s the third one this month
Cbird: ThatÂ’s okÂ….it keeps you vigorant
CS: DonÂ’t you mean vigilent?
Cbird: NoÂ…I meant vigorant
(CS and Cbird just kind of stare at each other for a moment with puzzled looks)
CS: {getting out of bed and putting on his pants} Ok well IÂ’m going to head downstairs to post roll. You coming withÂ….?
(As CS turns back Cbird has vanishedÂ….)
CS: I hate it when he does thatÂ….
(CS stuffs his oversized cock into his boxer briefs puts on a shirt and heads downstairs to post roll. He passes BWB on his wayÂ….)
CS: Why are you looking at me weird?
BWB: Has anyone ever told you that you look like a penis with teeth?
CS: A penis with teeth?
BWB: YeahÂ….
CS: CanÂ’t say that IÂ’ve ever been told that BeastieÂ…
BWB: OhÂ…ok thenÂ….well you look like a penis with teeth
CS: {confused look}OkÂ…Â…..
(Just then, the doorbell rings and Vadge comes running into the glass foyer from the living room)
Vadge: ItÂ’s probably for meÂ….I ordered lots of hurt vagina cream. Wanted to stock up considering the circumstances in November 13
CS: What circumstances?
Vadge: What do you mean ‘what circumstances’?
Texasjack: {walking in from the kitchen} Did someone say circumcision?
Vadge: Circumstances TJÂ….circumstancesÂ…
TJ: OhÂ…hahaÂ….c-ya! {walking back into the kitchen}
BWB: Vadge I donÂ’t think CS is caught up on current events
(The doorbell rings again and Vadge opens the door to pick up his order)
Vadge: {closing the door} So CoachÂ…you really donÂ’t know what weÂ’re talking about?
CS: Not a clueÂ…
BWB: Why donÂ’t you take a little walk on down to November 2013 and see for yourself?
CS: Maybe I willÂ…
(After posting roll, CS heads out of the Glass House walking past Tstahr and Auburn playing Twister in the front yard)
Tstahr: Where ya going Coach?
CS: Headed down to November 2013 to check out whatÂ’s going on
Tstahr: OkÂ…see ya! Hey Aubbie thatÂ’s not fairÂ…you canÂ’t use the pork sword!
Aubbie: I win!
Tstahr: Dammit that doesnÂ’t count!
Aubbie: DonÂ’t be a sore loser, the pork sword hates sore losers
CS: UhhhÂ…..IÂ’ll see you guys laterÂ….
Tstahr: Bye Coach!
(CS makes his way down 2012 HOF Groups Boulevard and hears a familiar honk as Ziesmer pulls up in his golf cart)
Z: Where ya headed Coach?
CS: November 13
Z: Go fuck yourself
CS: ButÂ….you just asked me where I was going
Z: IÂ’m sorryÂ…I wasnÂ’t listeningÂ….where did you say you were going?
CS: Like I said IÂ’m headed to NovÂ….
Z: {interrupting} Go fuck yourself
CS: Seriously?
Z: Coach, let me give you a piece of adviceÂ…
CS: OkÂ…Â…
Z: You really need toÂ…..
CS: IÂ’m listeningÂ….
Z: Â….go fuck yourself
CS: Dammit!
Z: Hahahahahaha! In all seriousness Coach, I can give you a lift to November 2013, I was just headed there myself
CS: ThanksÂ….
(As CS starts to step into the golf cart Z hits the gas pedal and rams the arm rest into CSÂ’s ass)
CS: {rubbing his ass} Dammit Z!
Z: Hahahahaha! Has anyone ever told you that you look like a penis with teeth when youÂ’re angry?
CS: ThatÂ’s the second time today actually
Z: Coach DickteethÂ…it has a nice ring to it donÂ’t you think?
CS: Can we please just go?
Z: Fine, fineÂ…..
(Z turns the golf cart onto KTC Boulevard and heads towards the 2013 Quit Groups. As they turn into the 2013 Quit Groups Subdivision, CS sees a throng of quitters gathered outside of November 2013, being held back by yellow police tape and barricades. Two large moving trucks are parked in the driveway. CS steps out of the golf cart and walks over to jost2brown, wastepanel and gmann, who are leaning on the hood of a MOD Squad Crown Vic)
Gmann: Well, well, wellÂ….look who decided to show upÂ…FUCS
CS: Good to see you as always GmannÂ….so what in the hell is going on here?
J2B: We had a situation last nightÂ….we dealt with it, and this is the aftermath
CS: A situation?
WP: The “B” word
CS: OhhhÂ…Â…thatÂ’s what everyone is talking about. I remember when that happened to someone in April 2012. Pretty much the same reaction weÂ’re seeing hereÂ….
WP: YepÂ….what was that guyÂ’s nameÂ….2legit2quit?
Gmann: I think it was TwoscoreÂ….man that guy was something else!
CS: Yeah he wasÂ….but we had a few guys leave over that situation
J2B: ThatÂ’s what weÂ’ve got here tooÂ…thus the moving trucksÂ….
CS: You know what thoughÂ….I texted one of those guys that left KTC. I think it was a few months after Twoscore got the boot, just wanted to see if he was still quit
WP: AndÂ…..?
CS: It took him awhile to respond, but all I got back was “I’m not quit”
Gmann: FiguresÂ…..
CS: Yeah I also remember some of the guys that really didnÂ’t want to stay with KTC, but they stuck around anyways because they realized this place kept them quit every damn day
WP: Amen to that!
CS: Troof. I wonÂ’t name any names, but those guys who stuck it out are knocking on the door to the 7th floor
Gmann: Hells yeah!
CS: {peering over the crowd} So tell meÂ….why does the November 2013 group only have a foundation? Where is their house?
J2B: Remember CoachÂ….KTC provides the foundation for all of the quit group houses. ItÂ’s up to the individual groups to build their house the way they want it
CS: So itÂ’s a metaphor for November 2013 not having found their identity as a group?
J2B: Something like that
(Just then, Evil Won runs up to the group)
Evil Won: SirsÂ….we have multiple quitters proclaiming they are leaving KTC. Things are really getting hairy in there. OhÂ…hi Coach, did they show you the new soapbox?
CS: The what?
WP: {giving Evil Won a look} WellÂ….since Evil was nice enough to spoil the surpriseÂ…we have something to show you
(WP pops the trunk of the MOD Squad Crown Vic and motions CS to look inside. As CS peers his head into the trunk, WP slowly –and dramatically-- lifts a blanket covering….a brand new Soapbox!)
CS: For me?
J2B: Go aheadÂ….pick it up
CS: {picking up the Soapbox} Holy crap its really light
Gmann: {putting his hand on CSÂ’s shoulder} YessirÂ….lightweight polymer plastic, check out the inscription
CS: {reading} FUCSÂ….
Gmann: YesÂ….
CS: Holy shit it has a handle?
J2B: YupÂ….we all got tired of you dragging that heavy Glass Soapbox around everywhere you went
CS: So then what do I call this oneÂ….Lightweight Polymer Plastic Soapbox doesnÂ’t have the same ring to it
Gmann: What aboutÂ….FUCS Soapbox?
CS: {rubbing his chin} You know whatÂ….I like it!
WP: SoÂ…..time for a speech?
CS: {looking at the FUCS Soapbox} Oh yeahÂ…..
(CS carries the FUCS Soapbox through the crowd towards the November 2013 cinderblock foundation. As he passes, T Cell, Zam, Kubiak, traumagnet, Sir Derek and others are overheard whispering amongst themselves)
T Cell: FUCSÂ….
Zam: The Zengineer has arrived folks
Kubiak: Is it just me, or does CS kinda look like a penis with teeth?
Sir Derek: What exactly does a penis with teeth look like?
Traumagnet: Like CS apparently
Sir Derek: Oh yeahÂ…that makes sense
(CS continues through the crowd carrying the FUCS SoapboxÂ…as he reaches the November 2013 quitters, they all just stop and stare at CS)
Brinkhoffs: Who in the hell are you?
CS: IÂ’m Coach Steve
(Just then, Zak walks out from the back of the moving truckÂ…he freezes when he sees CS standing there with the FUCS Soapbox)
Zak: Who the fuck are you?
CS: WellÂ….like I was telling this nice gentlemanÂ…IÂ’m Coach Steve
Zak: What do you want?
CS: Just a little bit of your time and attentionÂ…then you can go about your merry way
Zak: Who says our way is merry?
CS: Well playedÂ….I just wanna talk
Zak: Then talkÂ…
CS: AlrightyÂ….IÂ’ll just put this down and get started
(CS steps onto the FUCS Soapbox and clears his throatÂ…)
CS: These are trying times quittersÂ….but you must band together as a group. No one quitter is greater than the whole
Zak: DonÂ’t listen to this guy! HeÂ’s just another one of those ADMIN hired blowhards!
CS: Now hold on there ZakÂ….first of all, the ADMIN doesnÂ’t hire blowhardsÂ….they already have Gmann
(The crowd laughsÂ….except for the newer quitters, they donÂ’t get the joke)
CS: Second, IÂ’m not some hired ADMIN stoogeÂ…in fact, no one who has spoken their opinion in your group is a hired stooge. We speak of the integrity of roll call because it has saved our lives. There is no other way to put it. KTC has given us freedom from the can, a freedom that saves lives
T Cell: Fuck yeah Coach!
CS: It’s a simple recipe quitters…post roll, keep your promise, repeat daily. The “keep your promise” part has been glazed over a bit by those of you wanting to leave
Zak: But people donÂ’t get banned from AA!
CS: TrueÂ…but what if someone showed up drunk to AA? What then? You canÂ’t help someone be sober if theyÂ’re drunk, right? The fundamental aspect of this program is no different. All we ask is that you be quit to post roll
Zak: FUCK YOU!!! I QLFEDD WITH PADDY!!
CS: Alright dudeÂ…let me just say that leaving KTC is risking your life. Stay, and you have a chance, along with your fellow Novemberites, to build your own group. Believe me, you guys get through this together, you can get through anything
Zak: HOW WOULD YOU KNOW?
CS: Just go read through April 2012 if you really wanna know. The real fireworks begin somewhere in Feb or March 2012. Now IÂ’m tiredÂ….IÂ’m going to sleep
(CS steps off the FUCS Soapbox and makes his way back through the crowdÂ….towards the Glass House of April 2012)
Chipblue: You guys are fucking weirdÂ….
Kubiak: YesÂ….yes we are
First of all, you damn well Z drives a Prius. Second, the amount of gheyness is too damn high. Thirdly....you do kinda look like a penis with teeth
I hear the secrets that you keep
When you're talking in your sleep
Damn 80's flashback!
Damn Bucky Bucktoothed Penis Head 'na na' 'crackup'
(The crowd laughsÂ….except for the newer quitters, they donÂ’t get the joke)
'crackup'
Awesome Truth CS!
Saved and saving my life every a.m. the KTC way!
Let the healing begin.
Peepers approved
Fuck yeah CS! Or something like that...
That's awesome Coach.
I sort of watched the whole thing unfold from the sidelines - I didn't think it was really my place to step in being a newer quitter and what not.
But, I think alot of people were missing the integrity and keeping promises part. I for one would have quit posting had the guy been given a pass over the deal. Over the last 124 days I've had some easy days but I've had many days that were absolute, unequivocal motherfuckers. But not once did it occur to me that it might be OK to pop a snus, or smoke a couple cigars, or burn a half pack of heaters because it was hard, and life is hard to deal with, and then post roll. You know, because, that would be lying. Lying to myself and lying to every other poor, miserable, bastard that was dealing with the same shit over in the October 13 group, and the groups before and after us. I never questioned that my quit group wasn't keeping there word, just like they shouldn't question that I was keeping mine.
And I think that is really the crux of the whole thing. If this is a website where we all sit around and jerk off and tell each other we're all quit, and it's going to be ok - but we're all smoking some cigars or hitting some Bandits while we're doing it - then what the fuck point is there. Obviously that's not how it is and I, for one, am glad. I want to be quit. I want everyone else to be quit. I want to keep my word. I want everyone else to keep their word. The promise is to everyone. The guy shit on everybody, not just his quit group, not just his besties that he was texting with. That's what everyone needs to realize.
Maybe I'm out of line, but I've been thinking about it all week, and this was as good a place to express it as anywhere.
