We Quit Like Fuck

[Coach Steve]

Coach Steve is standing on the other side of a chain link fence surrounding an old Winnebago. He gazes at the weathered exterior and dry rotted tires, muttering to himself, "Damn, this thing hasn't moved in forever." Just then, CS hears the all too familiar sound of a MOD Squad Crown Vic rumbling up the dirt road to the old Winnebago. CS turns to face the Crown Vic, which comes to a screeching halt right in front of him. CS peers into the tinted windows but can't make out who is in the car....then he hears a voice over the loudspeaker...

Loudspeaker: Coach Stephanie, you are trespassing on KTC annexed property, please leave NOW!
CS: Is that Wastepanel...are you just fucking with me again?
Loudspeaker: I did not come here to be made sport of.....
CS: Holy fuck, is that really you?
Just then ACDC's Back in Black cranks up as the driver side door opens and a pair of snake-skinned boots steps out of the car.....its Nolaq
CS: Did you steal the Crown Vic for a joy ride?
Nolaq: Nope, and this time.....{opens his sport coat to reveal his MOD badge}....it's legal
CS: Welcome back to the bad guys
Nolaq: I knowÂ…sighÂ…but duty calls
CS: So what are you doing out here?
Nolaq: We've set up perimeter sensors around the old Winnebago and your fat ass set them off
CS: So fencing off the entire area wasnÂ’t enough?
Nolaq: Not really, you know how it goesÂ…we just need to keep people out of this area for a few days, until things die down a little
CS: Yeah by now IÂ’m well aware of how that works
Nolaq: Plus thereÂ’s the guys that just up to no goodÂ…klark had to run Ziesmer out of here last night, he was letting his herd of sarcastic donkeys shit all over the place
CS: I think theyÂ’re smart ass miniature horses
Nolaq: WhateverÂ…you know what I mean, just get in the damn car
CS: Why?
Nolaq: We wanna show you something
CS: We?
Nolaq: Just get in the damn car
Reluctantly, CS circles around to the passenger side and hops in the back seat. As he slides into the car, Nolaq slams the door behind him. When CS looks into the front seat he seesÂ…..Wastepanel
CS: {pointing at WP and covering his mouth} YouÂ…..
Wastepanel: Hello coach, surprised to see me?
CS: Not really, I was just being overdramatic
WP: OhÂ…uhÂ…yeah me too
Nolaq opens the drivers side door, hops in and slams the Crown Vic into reverseÂ…
Nolaq: How bout it boysÂ….? WhoÂ’s down for a trip to the Battlefield?

[wastepanel]

Here's that forgotten/rejected narrative.

Finale

Coach Steve is standing in front of the KTC Quitatorium watching as Colonel No Cope and his crew raise the banner for the 2013 National Spit Summit Talent Show Contest

CS: {cupping his hands} CNC!
CNC: {lowering his bucket} What do you want shit stain?
CS: Good to see you too CNC, just wanted to say helloÂ….itÂ’s been awhile
CNC: Yeah it hasÂ…..I guess all you bandwagon fans and sailors got a little worried about CNC?
CS: Not worriedÂ….just expect you to post roll every damn day
CNC: Yeah I’m sure…you know Coach, you remind me of a guy I met in Bangkok back in ‘85
CS: Really?
CNC: Sure doÂ…of course that was back when I was a male stripper
CS: Tell me, what exactly about me reminds you of this guy?
CNC: Well for startersÂ….you both dig my ass-less lineman chaps
CS: TroofÂ….
CNC: But most of all, you both like to jerk me around while IÂ’m trying to work!
CS: IÂ’m not even sure how to respond to thatÂ…
CNC: How bout you donÂ’t respond and save that fancy vocabulary for someone who cares!
CS: That cuts me, cuts me deep
CNC: I knowÂ….IÂ’m sorry
CS: Are you really sorry?
CNC: YeahÂ….IÂ’m sorry youÂ’re a pansy ass that canÂ’t take a joke!
(Just then, Luby aka Peepers hits up CNC on the walkie talkie)
Luby: Colonel! I told you to tug that line 10 minutes ago! We need that banner up pronto!
CNC: {looking at the walkie talkie} Now look what youÂ’ve done CoachÂ…Peepers is mad at me nowÂ…
CS: You know CNC, for someone with such a gruff exterior façade you surely are a sensitive gent
CNC: WhatÂ’d you call me?
(Just then, one of the lines holding up the banner snaps nearly misses CNC as falls onto the concrete steps in front of the Quitatorium)
Luby: Colonel!
CNC: IÂ’m ok, looks like the roof line snappedÂ…
Luby: What do you mean it snapped?
CNC: I dunno, it just snapped
Luby: Well then get up there and find out what in the hell is going on! IÂ’ll meet you there
(CNC lowers the bucket and climbs out)
CNC: Say CoachÂ…you wanna come with me?
CS: Sure why not?
(CNC and CS make their way to the roof of the KTC Quitatorium via the catwalk suspended above the stage where the 2013 Spit Summit talent contest will take place in just a few days. Luby is already standing at the spot where the roof line was anchored)
Luby: ItÂ’s about damn time you two got hereÂ…take a look at this {pointing to the roof line}
CNC: IÂ’ll be damnedÂ…it looks like itÂ’s been cut
Luby: ThatÂ’s exactly what I thought
CS: WaitÂ…do you mean someone tampered with the roof line?
Luby: Sure does look that way
CS: How do you know that?
CNC: {showing CS the line} You see here where part of the line is splayed out and the other part is a clean cut?
CS: YeahÂ…
CNC: Well that means someone cut just enough of the line so that it wouldnÂ’t break until we were tensioning the banner in place
Luby: You see, Coach, this is a ¼ inch line so it’s got a safe working load of around 3 tons. No way that banner weighs 3 tons, right?
CS: Ok, IÂ’m following you
Luby: ButÂ…if you cut just enough of the wire rope itÂ’ll hold until the load exceeds a certain weightÂ…
CS: Ok, so what are we saying hereÂ…someone is sabotaging the talent show?
Luby: It certainly seems that wayÂ…



CS: Looks you gotta go!
CNC: {raising his bucket} FUCS
(CS turns and starts walking down KTC Forum Avenue. As he turns the corner out of sight from the KTC Quitatorium, CS sees a white cargo van hurtling towards him. The van does a 180 and the side door slams open as 3 men wearing black masks pounce on CS. He manages to free himself and takes off running. He only gets a few yards away when he feels a slight pinch on his neck and all of a sudden his legs go numb and he hits the groundÂ….as he rolls over his vision is getting blurry and the last thing he sees before he blacks out is a bag being thrown over his headÂ…Â…)
(CS awakens in a small dark room with a table and a large two-way mirror. He tries to get up and realizes his hands are tied to the chair. A man wearing a black suit and a mask is sitting across the table from himÂ…)
Masked Man: Wakey, wakey eggs and bakey
CS: Why am I here?
Masked Man: Never mind thatÂ…weÂ’ve been watching you Coach
CS: Yeah I get the feeling you guys are like the NSAÂ…tracking everything I do
Masked Man: DonÂ’t flatter yourself Coach, weÂ’re not who you think we are
CS: YouÂ’re the MOD Squad, right?
Masked Man: {garbled laughter} Guess againÂ…
CS: So then who are you?
Masked Man: YouÂ’ll find out in due timeÂ….right now we have more important things to discuss
CS: Like what?
Masked Man: You know some things that we are very interested inÂ…
CS: Oh reallyÂ….and that is what exactly?
Masked Man: I see you like playing games CoachÂ…
CS: Ok seriously what in the hell is going on hereÂ…?
Masked Man: Oh Coach donÂ’t be so drabÂ…I was just beginning to like the small talk
CS: Tell meÂ….
Masked Man: Well if you insistÂ….{menacingly leaning forward on the table} I want to know who KTC is sending to the 2013 Spit Summit?
CS: {turning his head} I donÂ’t know what youÂ’re talking aboutÂ…
Masked Man: CoachÂ….donÂ’t mistake me for a fool
CS: IÂ’m telling you I donÂ’t know anything!
Masked Man: Well then I guess weÂ’re going to have to do this the hard wayÂ…
CS: The hard way?
Masked Man: {snapping his finger} Minions! Bring me the politics thread from the Wildcard section!
(Just then, the Masked ManÂ’s minions enter the room and deliver him the politics thread. They begin to tape CSÂ’s eyelids openÂ…)
CS: {struggling} Wait! What are you doing?
Masked Man: {standing up and propping one foot on the table} Perhaps some of GmannÂ’s libertarian articles will jog your memoryÂ….?
CS: How do you know Gmann?
Masked Man: IÂ’ve been watching this place for a long timeÂ….
CS: Tell me who you are!
Masked Man: {scrolling} LetÂ’s seeÂ….ah yes, hereÂ’s a good oneÂ…..
CS: {trying to look away} Nooooooo! CanÂ’t...takeÂ…Lew RockwellÂ…Â…
Masked Man: DonÂ’t fight it CoachÂ…..you must understand inalienable property rights!
CS: I swear I donÂ’t know anything!
Masked Man: {increasing the font size} You can make this endÂ…..
CS: Why are you doing this?
( The Masked Man leans in so close that CS can almost taste his gum)
Masked Man: Because of what they did to us!
CS: What who did to who?
Instigator: The Council of the ADMIN! The way they justÂ…you know, allow all of the inappropriate stuff to go on
CS: ThatÂ’s what this is aboutÂ…stuff you deem to be inappropriate?
Instigator: {clasping his hands behind his back} You wouldnÂ’t even begin to understand what IÂ’m talking aboutÂ…{gesturing to his minions} Minions! Throw Coach in the holeÂ…..give him sometime to think about thingsÂ….
CS: The hole?
Instigator: Goodbye CoachÂ….now if youÂ’ll excuse me, I have a talent show to get ready forÂ….
(The minions drag CS into a small concrete cell with only one small opening for food and waterÂ…..the scene fades out and flashes to the KTC Quitatorium where the Council of the ADMIN has gathered in anticipation of the talent show. They are all seated at a large round table)
Remshot: So where is this final narrative weÂ’ve all been waiting for?
Chewie: PatienceÂ…Wastepanel has confidence in CS
Loot: Loot is losing patienceÂ….tell Wastepanel to explain to Loot
Remshot: {gesturing to NOLAQ} Please send WP in to see usÂ…
(NOLAQ disappears behind a curtain for a few secondsÂ…just then, the door opens and WP walks into the Foyer of the ADMIN)
Wastepanel: You guys wanted to see me?
Loot: Tell Loot why Loot hasnÂ’t read Mr. CSÂ’s final narrative?
Wastepanel: IÂ’m sorry what was that?
Loot: You know what Loot meant
Ready: {placing his hand on LootÂ’s shoulder} Let me try old friend, what Loot means is weÂ’d like to know why we donÂ’t have the final narrative from CS? We have quitters pouring into the KTC Quitatorium to watch a talent show thatÂ’s supposed to begin in a few hours and no CSÂ….
Wastepanel: Yes sir I understandÂ….but no one has seen CS since he spoke to CNC yesterday outside of the Quitatorium
Ready: Well there has to be something to help us track him downÂ….{gesturing to NOLAQ} Get me klark down at MOD Headquarters on screen immediately!
NOLAQ: {pressing buttons} Yes sir!
(Just then, klark appears on the large holographic screen in the center of the table)
Klark: How can I be of service sirs?
Ready: KlarkÂ…we need you and your team to track down a quitter by the name of Coach SteveÂ….he seems to have gone missing sometime yesterday and the Council is very interested in his whereabouts
Klark: Yes sirs {motioning to someone off screen} Check the video feed from yesterday from KTC SquareÂ….tell me if you see anything unusual
Ready: One more thing klarkÂ…..we need him back unharmed
Klark: But sirsÂ….what if he makes a your mom joke?
Ready: Be the bigger man klarkÂ….
Klark: Dammit! {being told something off screen} Ok sirs, CS was last seen headed east on KTC Forum Avenue and then something happened with the feedÂ…it just skipped ahead a few minutes
Chewie: What do you mean it just skipped ahead a few minutes?
Klark: Sorry sir, but thatÂ’s what its showingÂ….itÂ’s almost as if someone tampered with the feed
Chewie: But only MODS have that kind of access?
Ready: What about a former MOD?
Remshot: No way, we remove all of their MOD powers when theyÂ’re demoted or retireÂ…this is something else, or should I sayÂ…someone else
Loot: {adjusting his bath robe} Loot doesnÂ’t like where this is goingÂ….
Ready: {to klark} Get a team down there pronto and see if you can find any clues!
Klark: I will take care of this personally sirs
Ready: Thank you klarkÂ….off screen!
(NOLAQ punches some buttons and the holograph disappears)
Mule: I told you guys we should had a donkey raceÂ…{waiving his hands sarcastically}Â…but you guys were all like, nooooo, donkey races are stupid, blah, blah, blah
FranPro: Donkey races are stupid Mule!
Mule: Shut up FP!
FranPro: No you shut up!
Ready: {raising his hands} Can we just focus on the task at hand?
FranPro: SorryÂ….
Mule: {placing a hand on FranProÂ’s thigh} IÂ’m sorry tooÂ…..
FranPro: {moving MuleÂ’s hand} IÂ’m not that sorryÂ….
(The Council of the ADMIN just sits there in silenceÂ…..)
Rutroh: So this is awkwardÂ….why hasnÂ’t the scene faded out yet?
Chewie: OhÂ…my bad, I wasnÂ’t paying attention
(Chewie snaps his finger and the scene fades out and flashes to KTC Forum Avenue where CS was last seenÂ….klark pulls up and steps out of the MOD Squad Crown Vic, Gmann gets out of the passenger side. They walk around the scene and klark stops when he sees a handkerchief lying on the ground. Klark pulls up his shades and as he kneels down to examine the hankerchief he sees a monogram
Klark: IÂ’ll be damnedÂ…
Gmann: What is it?
Klark: I think I might know where CS isÂ…..
(Klark holds up the hankerchief and shows Gmann the embroidered “FV” monogram)
Gmann: NooooÂ…..it couldnÂ’t be
Klark: Just as I suspectedÂ…Â…itÂ’s the One of Whom We Do Not Speak

(The scene flashes back to CS in his cellÂ…..the door opens and the Masked Man is standing in the doorway)
Masked Man: {adjusting his cuff links} Well have you had enough time to think about it?
CS: Screw you
Masked Man: Hahahaha! If this were my site IÂ’d ban you for that
CS: YouÂ’ll never get away with thisÂ…wait, what do you mean your site?
Masked Man: OhÂ….umÂ…nothing, gotta go!{turning to walk away}
(The minions slam the door shut and all CS can hear is the latching of the deadbolts and the minions carrying on a conversation about cheese popcorn. As CS slumps back against the wall he picks up a rock and throws it angrily against the other side of the cell)
CS: {burying his head in his hands} Dammit! I need to get out of here
(As the rocks hits the wall it starts to crumble away. CS looks up in amazement as bits of the wall crumble away revealing something underneath. As he claws away years and years of posts he uncovers a thread from Aquaman43 dated February 15, 2007 explaining the origins of KTC. CS continues to chip away layers and uncovers more posts from legends like 11x4 and chewless jim and a post by WhoDey with his unedited email exchange with Flavius Victor prior to his banning at QSXÂ…)
CS: Holy crapÂ…I think I know where I amÂ…..

(The scene pans back to Klark and Gmann who are sitting in the MOD Squad Crown Vic outside of the entrance to the Closed Topics Thread)
Klark: I know heÂ’s hereÂ…..
Gmann: How can you be so sure?
Klark: This is a perfect place for a guy like him to hideÂ…
Gmann: OkÂ….so if heÂ’s here, how do we find him?
Klark: Well if you were him, where would you hide?
Gmann: In the Aircooled VWs thread
Klark: {furrowing his brow} Very funnyÂ….but IÂ’m serious
Gmann: Ok, ok, fineÂ….man I donÂ’t know where he is!
Klark: {turning off the car} I doÂ…letÂ’s walk it from here
(Klark and Gmann step out of the Crown Vic and duck under the broken chain link fence…a sign above their heads reads, “Closed Topics – Keep Out”)
Gmann: This place gives me the creeps
Klark: Keep it downÂ…
(Just then, klark motions for them to duck behind an old dumpster and points ahead. Gmann peers over the dumpster and sees two minions patrolling back and forth in front of the History of QS, QSX Lite  QSX Closed Thread)
Gmann: {ducking back behind the dumpster} Are they debating the difference between white cheddar and cheddar popcorn?
Klark: ProbablyÂ….minions are obsessed with cheese popcorn
Gmann: Alright so what do we do now?
Klark: Do you remember that scene from Beverly Hills Cop?
Gmann: The one with the banana in the tailpipe?
Klark: No not that sceneÂ…the one where theyÂ’re in the strip club
Gmann: Ohhhh right
Klark: Ok so youÂ’ll be Axel Foley and IÂ’ll be Taggert
Gmann: So whoÂ’s Rosewood?
Klark: Dammit Gmann, IÂ’ll be Rosewood and Taggert
Gmann: Ok good, Rosewood was my favorite!
(Gmann staggers out from behind the dumpster and approaches the minions as klark slips behind them)
Gmann: {pretending to be drunk}Phil! Hey Phil I thought that was youÂ…man what are doing here Phil?
(The minions stop talking about cheese popcorn and raise their spears at the approaching Gmann)
Gmann: Whoa, whoa Phil man whatÂ’s wrong with you? YouÂ’ve changed Phil, youÂ’ve changed manÂ….
(When Gmann gets close enough the minions push him down on the ground and stand over him wielding their spears. Just then, klark jumps off the roof behind them and knocks one minion out cold. The other minions attempts to stab klark with his spear but Gmann thwarts the attempt and knocks the minion out with his own spear)
Klark: MODS 1, Minions 0
Gmann: {grabbing the keys off the minionÂ’s belt and tossing them to klark} Good job Rosewood
Klark: I shouldÂ’ve never mentioned Beverly Hills CopÂ…..

(The scene flashes to CS lying in the corner of the cell. Suddenly he hears keys jingling and the deadbolts being unlocked, the door is opened and CS sees Gmann standing thereÂ….)
Gmann: FUCS
CS: ThatÂ’s all you can manage to say at a time like this?
Gmann: You know Coach, FUCS stands for Friendship Unto Coach Steve
CS: Really?
Gmann: NoÂ…not really
CS: FUGM
Klark: Hate to break up this little reunion but weÂ’ve got a maniac on the loose
CS: The guy in the mask? He said he was headed for the talent show!
Klark: {looking at Gmann} Shit! We gotta get back there now!
(The trio makes their way out of the Closed Topics thread and into the MOD Squad Crown Vic. Klark peels out and takes a sharp left onto a MOD access road towards KTC Avenue)
Gmann: So did the guy in the mask tell you anything else?
CS: Not really, just said the ADMIN were inappropriate, or something like thatÂ….he seemed pretty ticked off about it
Klark: {picking up the walkie talkie} Mjollnir!
Mjollnir: {responding back on walkie talkie} Yeah?
Klark: WeÂ’ve got a situation hereÂ…I think the One of Whom We Do Not Speak is headed your way
Mjollnir: What!? Are we talking about THE One of Whom We Do Not Speak?
Klark: Yes! Be on your guard, weÂ’ll be there as soon as possible!
Mjollnir: Copy that
CS: Your mom copies thatÂ…
Mjollnir: Dammit, is that you CS?
CS: The one and only
Mjollnir: You know when this is all said and done, you and me are going to have a little talk in private
CS: Hey Mjollnir?
Mjollnir: YeahÂ…Â…?
CS: ThatÂ’s what your mom said last night
Mjollnir: Arrggh!
Klark: You walked right into that oneÂ…
(Klark pulls the MOD Squad Crown Vic onto KTC Forum Avenue and circles around to the loading docks in the back of the KTC Quitatorium. The trio hustles into the Foyer of the ADMIN where the Council is preparing to enter the performing arena and take their seats directly in front of the stage)
Klark: Sirs, we found Coach Steve!
Ready: Excellent! Welcome back Mr. Coach!
CS: Good to be back
Gmann: Sirs we have a situation. It appears as though the One of Whom We Do Not Speak is back and we think heÂ’s somewhere in the building
NOLAQ: SirsÂ….IÂ’m deeply concerned about your safety, perhaps we should cancel the talent show?
Remshot: Nonsense! The show must go on!
NOLAQ: But sirsÂ…..
Remshot: No butts! It is our duty to carry on!
CS: {snickering}
Remshot: {pausing and looking at CS} Something funny Mr. Coach?
CS: {trying not to laugh} No sir
Ready: Remy is right, the show must go on
(Despite NOLAQÂ’s objections, the Council of the ADMIN exits a small door and enters the performing arena. The crowd is brimming with excitement, Ziesmer is selling foam 'Finger', Smokey G is selling batshit crazy and Hipster is selling Have You Seen Mandy Matula? t-shirts. The ADMIN enter the arena donning white bathrobes and orange running shoes. As the ADMIN take their seats, the lights dim and a voice comes over the loud speakers)
Voice: Ladies and gentlemen, your attention please. Welcome to the 2013 National Spit Summit Talent Show! {crowd cheers} At this time weÂ’d ask you to direct your attention to the stage and give a big welcome to your host for the eveningÂ…..Luby aka Peepers!
(Smoke covers the stage and the crowd can see the silhouette of Peepers wearing his trademark back cape)
Peepers: Welcome everyone to the 2013 Spit Summit Talent Show! Tonight we have a special show in store for youÂ…but first weÂ’d like to extend a big thank you to every KTC member that has donated to the cause {crowd applaudes} And nowÂ….without further adieu, I present to you our first competitor hailing from the February 2011 group, Keddy!
(Keddy takes the stage in a brown leisure suit and performs this )
Peepers: Thank you for that Keddy! Our next performance is the duo of Razd and J2B!
(Razd and J2B take the stage and perform their choreographed routine )
Peepers: Whoa! Now that was exciting, letÂ’s give them a big round of applause! {crowd cheers} Our next competitor isÂ…..

(Just then, the lights go out and a picture of a TARDIS appears on the large screen above the stageÂ…the crowd can hear a menacing laugh over the loudspeaker)
Klark: ItÂ’s him!
Instigator: People of KTCÂ….do not fret, it is now time for your daily affirmation!
Klark: WeÂ’ve got to find him
NOLAQ: I think I know where he isÂ….follow me
(Klark and NOLAQ make their way to the rear of the stage and see a large curtain with someone moving behind it. Klark pulls back the curtain to reveal Instigator!)
Instigator: YouÂ…Â….
Klark: Yes GatorÂ….remember me?
Instigator: {pointing at klark} This all your fault!
Klark: No GatorÂ…..you did this to yourself
(Klark and NOLAQ drag Gator from behind the curtain and let Scowick and Mjollnir take him away)
Peepers: Well that was anti-climactic. DonÂ’t worry everyoneÂ…IÂ’m told the situation is taken care of. And now, please welcome, kdip!

(kdip walks onto the stage and proceeds to do a little of this, and a little bit of that)
Peepers: Whoa! Pretty impressive! And now folks it looks like weÂ’re down to our last competitor, please give a big hand for Wastepanel!
(Wastepanel enters the stage and bows to the crowd. Then he performs this )
Peepers: WowÂ…I mean, just wow. I am blown away Wastepanel, thank you {crowd cheers wildly}And now {looking at the Council of the ADMIN} it is time for the judges to reveal this years winners and the two KTC representatives for the 2013 National Spit Summit in Missoula, Montana! {being handed an envelope} Drumroll pleaseÂ…Â…Â….and this yearÂ’s winners areÂ…Â….

Who's the winner CS....who's the winner?!?!

We all were.

This was still one of the most awesome things you've done for the site.

Kdip and I had a blast in Montana and opened a ton of eyes. My favorite moment was this guy (who referred to himself as dr. Dip) challenged each organization to get their quitters to write about their experiences. We had 8 binders full. No other organization can get their quitters to write down their experiences (let alone trust them to pay it forward). Many of the programs administrators were worried about keeping their funding for drugs and were willing to sacrifice the support. Most of their staff confided in us that they had the most success in the support areas of the program.

We made a lot of contacts there, and there's quite a few doors opening to the Ktc because of it.

[Bruce]

Here's that forgotten/rejected narrative.

Finale

Coach Steve is standing in front of the KTC Quitatorium watching as Colonel No Cope and his crew raise the banner for the 2013 National Spit Summit Talent Show Contest

CS: {cupping his hands} CNC!
CNC: {lowering his bucket} What do you want shit stain?
CS: Good to see you too CNC, just wanted to say helloÂ….itÂ’s been awhile
CNC: Yeah it hasÂ…..I guess all you bandwagon fans and sailors got a little worried about CNC?
CS: Not worriedÂ….just expect you to post roll every damn day
CNC: Yeah I’m sure…you know Coach, you remind me of a guy I met in Bangkok back in ‘85
CS: Really?
CNC: Sure doÂ…of course that was back when I was a male stripper
CS: Tell me, what exactly about me reminds you of this guy?
CNC: Well for startersÂ….you both dig my ass-less lineman chaps
CS: TroofÂ….
CNC: But most of all, you both like to jerk me around while IÂ’m trying to work!
CS: IÂ’m not even sure how to respond to thatÂ…
CNC: How bout you donÂ’t respond and save that fancy vocabulary for someone who cares!
CS: That cuts me, cuts me deep
CNC: I knowÂ….IÂ’m sorry
CS: Are you really sorry?
CNC: YeahÂ….IÂ’m sorry youÂ’re a pansy ass that canÂ’t take a joke!
(Just then, Luby aka Peepers hits up CNC on the walkie talkie)
Luby: Colonel! I told you to tug that line 10 minutes ago! We need that banner up pronto!
CNC: {looking at the walkie talkie} Now look what youÂ’ve done CoachÂ…Peepers is mad at me nowÂ…
CS: You know CNC, for someone with such a gruff exterior façade you surely are a sensitive gent
CNC: WhatÂ’d you call me?
(Just then, one of the lines holding up the banner snaps nearly misses CNC as falls onto the concrete steps in front of the Quitatorium)
Luby: Colonel!
CNC: IÂ’m ok, looks like the roof line snappedÂ…
Luby: What do you mean it snapped?
CNC: I dunno, it just snapped
Luby: Well then get up there and find out what in the hell is going on! IÂ’ll meet you there
(CNC lowers the bucket and climbs out)
CNC: Say CoachÂ…you wanna come with me?
CS: Sure why not?
(CNC and CS make their way to the roof of the KTC Quitatorium via the catwalk suspended above the stage where the 2013 Spit Summit talent contest will take place in just a few days. Luby is already standing at the spot where the roof line was anchored)
Luby: ItÂ’s about damn time you two got hereÂ…take a look at this {pointing to the roof line}
CNC: IÂ’ll be damnedÂ…it looks like itÂ’s been cut
Luby: ThatÂ’s exactly what I thought
CS: WaitÂ…do you mean someone tampered with the roof line?
Luby: Sure does look that way
CS: How do you know that?
CNC: {showing CS the line} You see here where part of the line is splayed out and the other part is a clean cut?
CS: YeahÂ…
CNC: Well that means someone cut just enough of the line so that it wouldnÂ’t break until we were tensioning the banner in place
Luby: You see, Coach, this is a ¼ inch line so it’s got a safe working load of around 3 tons. No way that banner weighs 3 tons, right?
CS: Ok, IÂ’m following you
Luby: ButÂ…if you cut just enough of the wire rope itÂ’ll hold until the load exceeds a certain weightÂ…
CS: Ok, so what are we saying hereÂ…someone is sabotaging the talent show?
Luby: It certainly seems that wayÂ…



CS: Looks you gotta go!
CNC: {raising his bucket} FUCS
(CS turns and starts walking down KTC Forum Avenue. As he turns the corner out of sight from the KTC Quitatorium, CS sees a white cargo van hurtling towards him. The van does a 180 and the side door slams open as 3 men wearing black masks pounce on CS. He manages to free himself and takes off running. He only gets a few yards away when he feels a slight pinch on his neck and all of a sudden his legs go numb and he hits the groundÂ….as he rolls over his vision is getting blurry and the last thing he sees before he blacks out is a bag being thrown over his headÂ…Â…)
(CS awakens in a small dark room with a table and a large two-way mirror. He tries to get up and realizes his hands are tied to the chair. A man wearing a black suit and a mask is sitting across the table from himÂ…)
Masked Man: Wakey, wakey eggs and bakey
CS: Why am I here?
Masked Man: Never mind thatÂ…weÂ’ve been watching you Coach
CS: Yeah I get the feeling you guys are like the NSAÂ…tracking everything I do
Masked Man: DonÂ’t flatter yourself Coach, weÂ’re not who you think we are
CS: YouÂ’re the MOD Squad, right?
Masked Man: {garbled laughter} Guess againÂ…
CS: So then who are you?
Masked Man: YouÂ’ll find out in due timeÂ….right now we have more important things to discuss
CS: Like what?
Masked Man: You know some things that we are very interested inÂ…
CS: Oh reallyÂ….and that is what exactly?
Masked Man: I see you like playing games CoachÂ…
CS: Ok seriously what in the hell is going on hereÂ…?
Masked Man: Oh Coach donÂ’t be so drabÂ…I was just beginning to like the small talk
CS: Tell meÂ….
Masked Man: Well if you insistÂ….{menacingly leaning forward on the table} I want to know who KTC is sending to the 2013 Spit Summit?
CS: {turning his head} I donÂ’t know what youÂ’re talking aboutÂ…
Masked Man: CoachÂ….donÂ’t mistake me for a fool
CS: IÂ’m telling you I donÂ’t know anything!
Masked Man: Well then I guess weÂ’re going to have to do this the hard wayÂ…
CS: The hard way?
Masked Man: {snapping his finger} Minions! Bring me the politics thread from the Wildcard section!
(Just then, the Masked ManÂ’s minions enter the room and deliver him the politics thread. They begin to tape CSÂ’s eyelids openÂ…)
CS: {struggling} Wait! What are you doing?
Masked Man: {standing up and propping one foot on the table} Perhaps some of GmannÂ’s libertarian articles will jog your memoryÂ….?
CS: How do you know Gmann?
Masked Man: IÂ’ve been watching this place for a long timeÂ….
CS: Tell me who you are!
Masked Man: {scrolling} LetÂ’s seeÂ….ah yes, hereÂ’s a good oneÂ…..
CS: {trying to look away} Nooooooo! CanÂ’t...takeÂ…Lew RockwellÂ…Â…
Masked Man: DonÂ’t fight it CoachÂ…..you must understand inalienable property rights!
CS: I swear I donÂ’t know anything!
Masked Man: {increasing the font size} You can make this endÂ…..
CS: Why are you doing this?
( The Masked Man leans in so close that CS can almost taste his gum)
Masked Man: Because of what they did to us!
CS: What who did to who?
Instigator: The Council of the ADMIN! The way they justÂ…you know, allow all of the inappropriate stuff to go on
CS: ThatÂ’s what this is aboutÂ…stuff you deem to be inappropriate?
Instigator: {clasping his hands behind his back} You wouldnÂ’t even begin to understand what IÂ’m talking aboutÂ…{gesturing to his minions} Minions! Throw Coach in the holeÂ…..give him sometime to think about thingsÂ….
CS: The hole?
Instigator: Goodbye CoachÂ….now if youÂ’ll excuse me, I have a talent show to get ready forÂ….
(The minions drag CS into a small concrete cell with only one small opening for food and waterÂ…..the scene fades out and flashes to the KTC Quitatorium where the Council of the ADMIN has gathered in anticipation of the talent show. They are all seated at a large round table)
Remshot: So where is this final narrative weÂ’ve all been waiting for?
Chewie: PatienceÂ…Wastepanel has confidence in CS
Loot: Loot is losing patienceÂ….tell Wastepanel to explain to Loot
Remshot: {gesturing to NOLAQ} Please send WP in to see usÂ…
(NOLAQ disappears behind a curtain for a few secondsÂ…just then, the door opens and WP walks into the Foyer of the ADMIN)
Wastepanel: You guys wanted to see me?
Loot: Tell Loot why Loot hasnÂ’t read Mr. CSÂ’s final narrative?
Wastepanel: IÂ’m sorry what was that?
Loot: You know what Loot meant
Ready: {placing his hand on LootÂ’s shoulder} Let me try old friend, what Loot means is weÂ’d like to know why we donÂ’t have the final narrative from CS? We have quitters pouring into the KTC Quitatorium to watch a talent show thatÂ’s supposed to begin in a few hours and no CSÂ….
Wastepanel: Yes sir I understandÂ….but no one has seen CS since he spoke to CNC yesterday outside of the Quitatorium
Ready: Well there has to be something to help us track him downÂ….{gesturing to NOLAQ} Get me klark down at MOD Headquarters on screen immediately!
NOLAQ: {pressing buttons} Yes sir!
(Just then, klark appears on the large holographic screen in the center of the table)
Klark: How can I be of service sirs?
Ready: KlarkÂ…we need you and your team to track down a quitter by the name of Coach SteveÂ….he seems to have gone missing sometime yesterday and the Council is very interested in his whereabouts
Klark: Yes sirs {motioning to someone off screen} Check the video feed from yesterday from KTC SquareÂ….tell me if you see anything unusual
Ready: One more thing klarkÂ…..we need him back unharmed
Klark: But sirsÂ….what if he makes a your mom joke?
Ready: Be the bigger man klarkÂ….
Klark: Dammit! {being told something off screen} Ok sirs, CS was last seen headed east on KTC Forum Avenue and then something happened with the feedÂ…it just skipped ahead a few minutes
Chewie: What do you mean it just skipped ahead a few minutes?
Klark: Sorry sir, but thatÂ’s what its showingÂ….itÂ’s almost as if someone tampered with the feed
Chewie: But only MODS have that kind of access?
Ready: What about a former MOD?
Remshot: No way, we remove all of their MOD powers when theyÂ’re demoted or retireÂ…this is something else, or should I sayÂ…someone else
Loot: {adjusting his bath robe} Loot doesnÂ’t like where this is goingÂ….
Ready: {to klark} Get a team down there pronto and see if you can find any clues!
Klark: I will take care of this personally sirs
Ready: Thank you klarkÂ….off screen!
(NOLAQ punches some buttons and the holograph disappears)
Mule: I told you guys we should had a donkey raceÂ…{waiving his hands sarcastically}Â…but you guys were all like, nooooo, donkey races are stupid, blah, blah, blah
FranPro: Donkey races are stupid Mule!
Mule: Shut up FP!
FranPro: No you shut up!
Ready: {raising his hands} Can we just focus on the task at hand?
FranPro: SorryÂ….
Mule: {placing a hand on FranProÂ’s thigh} IÂ’m sorry tooÂ…..
FranPro: {moving MuleÂ’s hand} IÂ’m not that sorryÂ….
(The Council of the ADMIN just sits there in silenceÂ…..)
Rutroh: So this is awkwardÂ….why hasnÂ’t the scene faded out yet?
Chewie: OhÂ…my bad, I wasnÂ’t paying attention
(Chewie snaps his finger and the scene fades out and flashes to KTC Forum Avenue where CS was last seenÂ….klark pulls up and steps out of the MOD Squad Crown Vic, Gmann gets out of the passenger side. They walk around the scene and klark stops when he sees a handkerchief lying on the ground. Klark pulls up his shades and as he kneels down to examine the hankerchief he sees a monogram
Klark: IÂ’ll be damnedÂ…
Gmann: What is it?
Klark: I think I might know where CS isÂ…..
(Klark holds up the hankerchief and shows Gmann the embroidered “FV” monogram)
Gmann: NooooÂ…..it couldnÂ’t be
Klark: Just as I suspectedÂ…Â…itÂ’s the One of Whom We Do Not Speak

(The scene flashes back to CS in his cellÂ…..the door opens and the Masked Man is standing in the doorway)
Masked Man: {adjusting his cuff links} Well have you had enough time to think about it?
CS: Screw you
Masked Man: Hahahaha! If this were my site IÂ’d ban you for that
CS: YouÂ’ll never get away with thisÂ…wait, what do you mean your site?
Masked Man: OhÂ….umÂ…nothing, gotta go!{turning to walk away}
(The minions slam the door shut and all CS can hear is the latching of the deadbolts and the minions carrying on a conversation about cheese popcorn. As CS slumps back against the wall he picks up a rock and throws it angrily against the other side of the cell)
CS: {burying his head in his hands} Dammit! I need to get out of here
(As the rocks hits the wall it starts to crumble away. CS looks up in amazement as bits of the wall crumble away revealing something underneath. As he claws away years and years of posts he uncovers a thread from Aquaman43 dated February 15, 2007 explaining the origins of KTC. CS continues to chip away layers and uncovers more posts from legends like 11x4 and chewless jim and a post by WhoDey with his unedited email exchange with Flavius Victor prior to his banning at QSXÂ…)
CS: Holy crapÂ…I think I know where I amÂ…..

(The scene pans back to Klark and Gmann who are sitting in the MOD Squad Crown Vic outside of the entrance to the Closed Topics Thread)
Klark: I know heÂ’s hereÂ…..
Gmann: How can you be so sure?
Klark: This is a perfect place for a guy like him to hideÂ…
Gmann: OkÂ….so if heÂ’s here, how do we find him?
Klark: Well if you were him, where would you hide?
Gmann: In the Aircooled VWs thread
Klark: {furrowing his brow} Very funnyÂ….but IÂ’m serious
Gmann: Ok, ok, fineÂ….man I donÂ’t know where he is!
Klark: {turning off the car} I doÂ…letÂ’s walk it from here
(Klark and Gmann step out of the Crown Vic and duck under the broken chain link fence…a sign above their heads reads, “Closed Topics – Keep Out”)
Gmann: This place gives me the creeps
Klark: Keep it downÂ…
(Just then, klark motions for them to duck behind an old dumpster and points ahead. Gmann peers over the dumpster and sees two minions patrolling back and forth in front of the History of QS, QSX Lite  QSX Closed Thread)
Gmann: {ducking back behind the dumpster} Are they debating the difference between white cheddar and cheddar popcorn?
Klark: ProbablyÂ….minions are obsessed with cheese popcorn
Gmann: Alright so what do we do now?
Klark: Do you remember that scene from Beverly Hills Cop?
Gmann: The one with the banana in the tailpipe?
Klark: No not that sceneÂ…the one where theyÂ’re in the strip club
Gmann: Ohhhh right
Klark: Ok so youÂ’ll be Axel Foley and IÂ’ll be Taggert
Gmann: So whoÂ’s Rosewood?
Klark: Dammit Gmann, IÂ’ll be Rosewood and Taggert
Gmann: Ok good, Rosewood was my favorite!
(Gmann staggers out from behind the dumpster and approaches the minions as klark slips behind them)
Gmann: {pretending to be drunk}Phil! Hey Phil I thought that was youÂ…man what are doing here Phil?
(The minions stop talking about cheese popcorn and raise their spears at the approaching Gmann)
Gmann: Whoa, whoa Phil man whatÂ’s wrong with you? YouÂ’ve changed Phil, youÂ’ve changed manÂ….
(When Gmann gets close enough the minions push him down on the ground and stand over him wielding their spears. Just then, klark jumps off the roof behind them and knocks one minion out cold. The other minions attempts to stab klark with his spear but Gmann thwarts the attempt and knocks the minion out with his own spear)
Klark: MODS 1, Minions 0
Gmann: {grabbing the keys off the minionÂ’s belt and tossing them to klark} Good job Rosewood
Klark: I shouldÂ’ve never mentioned Beverly Hills CopÂ…..

(The scene flashes to CS lying in the corner of the cell. Suddenly he hears keys jingling and the deadbolts being unlocked, the door is opened and CS sees Gmann standing thereÂ….)
Gmann: FUCS
CS: ThatÂ’s all you can manage to say at a time like this?
Gmann: You know Coach, FUCS stands for Friendship Unto Coach Steve
CS: Really?
Gmann: NoÂ…not really
CS: FUGM
Klark: Hate to break up this little reunion but weÂ’ve got a maniac on the loose
CS: The guy in the mask? He said he was headed for the talent show!
Klark: {looking at Gmann} Shit! We gotta get back there now!
(The trio makes their way out of the Closed Topics thread and into the MOD Squad Crown Vic. Klark peels out and takes a sharp left onto a MOD access road towards KTC Avenue)
Gmann: So did the guy in the mask tell you anything else?
CS: Not really, just said the ADMIN were inappropriate, or something like thatÂ….he seemed pretty ticked off about it
Klark: {picking up the walkie talkie} Mjollnir!
Mjollnir: {responding back on walkie talkie} Yeah?
Klark: WeÂ’ve got a situation hereÂ…I think the One of Whom We Do Not Speak is headed your way
Mjollnir: What!? Are we talking about THE One of Whom We Do Not Speak?
Klark: Yes! Be on your guard, weÂ’ll be there as soon as possible!
Mjollnir: Copy that
CS: Your mom copies thatÂ…
Mjollnir: Dammit, is that you CS?
CS: The one and only
Mjollnir: You know when this is all said and done, you and me are going to have a little talk in private
CS: Hey Mjollnir?
Mjollnir: YeahÂ…Â…?
CS: ThatÂ’s what your mom said last night
Mjollnir: Arrggh!
Klark: You walked right into that oneÂ…
(Klark pulls the MOD Squad Crown Vic onto KTC Forum Avenue and circles around to the loading docks in the back of the KTC Quitatorium. The trio hustles into the Foyer of the ADMIN where the Council is preparing to enter the performing arena and take their seats directly in front of the stage)
Klark: Sirs, we found Coach Steve!
Ready: Excellent! Welcome back Mr. Coach!
CS: Good to be back
Gmann: Sirs we have a situation. It appears as though the One of Whom We Do Not Speak is back and we think heÂ’s somewhere in the building
NOLAQ: SirsÂ….IÂ’m deeply concerned about your safety, perhaps we should cancel the talent show?
Remshot: Nonsense! The show must go on!
NOLAQ: But sirsÂ…..
Remshot: No butts! It is our duty to carry on!
CS: {snickering}
Remshot: {pausing and looking at CS} Something funny Mr. Coach?
CS: {trying not to laugh} No sir
Ready: Remy is right, the show must go on
(Despite NOLAQÂ’s objections, the Council of the ADMIN exits a small door and enters the performing arena. The crowd is brimming with excitement, Ziesmer is selling foam 'Finger', Smokey G is selling batshit crazy and Hipster is selling Have You Seen Mandy Matula? t-shirts. The ADMIN enter the arena donning white bathrobes and orange running shoes. As the ADMIN take their seats, the lights dim and a voice comes over the loud speakers)
Voice: Ladies and gentlemen, your attention please. Welcome to the 2013 National Spit Summit Talent Show! {crowd cheers} At this time weÂ’d ask you to direct your attention to the stage and give a big welcome to your host for the eveningÂ…..Luby aka Peepers!
(Smoke covers the stage and the crowd can see the silhouette of Peepers wearing his trademark back cape)
Peepers: Welcome everyone to the 2013 Spit Summit Talent Show! Tonight we have a special show in store for youÂ…but first weÂ’d like to extend a big thank you to every KTC member that has donated to the cause {crowd applaudes} And nowÂ….without further adieu, I present to you our first competitor hailing from the February 2011 group, Keddy!
(Keddy takes the stage in a brown leisure suit and performs this )
Peepers: Thank you for that Keddy! Our next performance is the duo of Razd and J2B!
(Razd and J2B take the stage and perform their choreographed routine )
Peepers: Whoa! Now that was exciting, letÂ’s give them a big round of applause! {crowd cheers} Our next competitor isÂ…..

(Just then, the lights go out and a picture of a TARDIS appears on the large screen above the stageÂ…the crowd can hear a menacing laugh over the loudspeaker)
Klark: ItÂ’s him!
Instigator: People of KTCÂ….do not fret, it is now time for your daily affirmation!
Klark: WeÂ’ve got to find him
NOLAQ: I think I know where he isÂ….follow me
(Klark and NOLAQ make their way to the rear of the stage and see a large curtain with someone moving behind it. Klark pulls back the curtain to reveal Instigator!)
Instigator: YouÂ…Â….
Klark: Yes GatorÂ….remember me?
Instigator: {pointing at klark} This all your fault!
Klark: No GatorÂ…..you did this to yourself
(Klark and NOLAQ drag Gator from behind the curtain and let Scowick and Mjollnir take him away)
Peepers: Well that was anti-climactic. DonÂ’t worry everyoneÂ…IÂ’m told the situation is taken care of. And now, please welcome, kdip!

(kdip walks onto the stage and proceeds to do a little of this, and a little bit of that)
Peepers: Whoa! Pretty impressive! And now folks it looks like weÂ’re down to our last competitor, please give a big hand for Wastepanel!
(Wastepanel enters the stage and bows to the crowd. Then he performs this )
Peepers: WowÂ…I mean, just wow. I am blown away Wastepanel, thank you {crowd cheers wildly}And now {looking at the Council of the ADMIN} it is time for the judges to reveal this years winners and the two KTC representatives for the 2013 National Spit Summit in Missoula, Montana! {being handed an envelope} Drumroll pleaseÂ…Â…Â….and this yearÂ’s winners areÂ…Â….

Who's the winner CS....who's the winner?!?!

[Coach Steve]

Here's that forgotten/rejected narrative.

Finale

Coach Steve is standing in front of the KTC Quitatorium watching as Colonel No Cope and his crew raise the banner for the 2013 National Spit Summit Talent Show Contest

CS: {cupping his hands} CNC!
CNC: {lowering his bucket} What do you want shit stain?
CS: Good to see you too CNC, just wanted to say helloÂ….itÂ’s been awhile
CNC: Yeah it hasÂ…..I guess all you bandwagon fans and sailors got a little worried about CNC?
CS: Not worriedÂ….just expect you to post roll every damn day
CNC: Yeah I’m sure…you know Coach, you remind me of a guy I met in Bangkok back in ‘85
CS: Really?
CNC: Sure doÂ…of course that was back when I was a male stripper
CS: Tell me, what exactly about me reminds you of this guy?
CNC: Well for startersÂ….you both dig my ass-less lineman chaps
CS: TroofÂ….
CNC: But most of all, you both like to jerk me around while IÂ’m trying to work!
CS: IÂ’m not even sure how to respond to thatÂ…
CNC: How bout you donÂ’t respond and save that fancy vocabulary for someone who cares!
CS: That cuts me, cuts me deep
CNC: I knowÂ….IÂ’m sorry
CS: Are you really sorry?
CNC: YeahÂ….IÂ’m sorry youÂ’re a pansy ass that canÂ’t take a joke!
(Just then, Luby aka Peepers hits up CNC on the walkie talkie)
Luby: Colonel! I told you to tug that line 10 minutes ago! We need that banner up pronto!
CNC: {looking at the walkie talkie} Now look what youÂ’ve done CoachÂ…Peepers is mad at me nowÂ…
CS: You know CNC, for someone with such a gruff exterior façade you surely are a sensitive gent
CNC: WhatÂ’d you call me?
(Just then, one of the lines holding up the banner snaps nearly misses CNC as falls onto the concrete steps in front of the Quitatorium)
Luby: Colonel!
CNC: IÂ’m ok, looks like the roof line snappedÂ…
Luby: What do you mean it snapped?
CNC: I dunno, it just snapped
Luby: Well then get up there and find out what in the hell is going on! IÂ’ll meet you there
(CNC lowers the bucket and climbs out)
CNC: Say CoachÂ…you wanna come with me?
CS: Sure why not?
(CNC and CS make their way to the roof of the KTC Quitatorium via the catwalk suspended above the stage where the 2013 Spit Summit talent contest will take place in just a few days. Luby is already standing at the spot where the roof line was anchored)
Luby: ItÂ’s about damn time you two got hereÂ…take a look at this {pointing to the roof line}
CNC: IÂ’ll be damnedÂ…it looks like itÂ’s been cut
Luby: ThatÂ’s exactly what I thought
CS: WaitÂ…do you mean someone tampered with the roof line?
Luby: Sure does look that way
CS: How do you know that?
CNC: {showing CS the line} You see here where part of the line is splayed out and the other part is a clean cut?
CS: YeahÂ…
CNC: Well that means someone cut just enough of the line so that it wouldnÂ’t break until we were tensioning the banner in place
Luby: You see, Coach, this is a ¼ inch line so it’s got a safe working load of around 3 tons. No way that banner weighs 3 tons, right?
CS: Ok, IÂ’m following you
Luby: ButÂ…if you cut just enough of the wire rope itÂ’ll hold until the load exceeds a certain weightÂ…
CS: Ok, so what are we saying hereÂ…someone is sabotaging the talent show?
Luby: It certainly seems that wayÂ…



CS: Looks you gotta go!
CNC: {raising his bucket} FUCS
(CS turns and starts walking down KTC Forum Avenue. As he turns the corner out of sight from the KTC Quitatorium, CS sees a white cargo van hurtling towards him. The van does a 180 and the side door slams open as 3 men wearing black masks pounce on CS. He manages to free himself and takes off running. He only gets a few yards away when he feels a slight pinch on his neck and all of a sudden his legs go numb and he hits the groundÂ….as he rolls over his vision is getting blurry and the last thing he sees before he blacks out is a bag being thrown over his headÂ…Â…)
(CS awakens in a small dark room with a table and a large two-way mirror. He tries to get up and realizes his hands are tied to the chair. A man wearing a black suit and a mask is sitting across the table from himÂ…)
Masked Man: Wakey, wakey eggs and bakey
CS: Why am I here?
Masked Man: Never mind thatÂ…weÂ’ve been watching you Coach
CS: Yeah I get the feeling you guys are like the NSAÂ…tracking everything I do
Masked Man: DonÂ’t flatter yourself Coach, weÂ’re not who you think we are
CS: YouÂ’re the MOD Squad, right?
Masked Man: {garbled laughter} Guess againÂ…
CS: So then who are you?
Masked Man: YouÂ’ll find out in due timeÂ….right now we have more important things to discuss
CS: Like what?
Masked Man: You know some things that we are very interested inÂ…
CS: Oh reallyÂ….and that is what exactly?
Masked Man: I see you like playing games CoachÂ…
CS: Ok seriously what in the hell is going on hereÂ…?
Masked Man: Oh Coach donÂ’t be so drabÂ…I was just beginning to like the small talk
CS: Tell meÂ….
Masked Man: Well if you insistÂ….{menacingly leaning forward on the table} I want to know who KTC is sending to the 2013 Spit Summit?
CS: {turning his head} I donÂ’t know what youÂ’re talking aboutÂ…
Masked Man: CoachÂ….donÂ’t mistake me for a fool
CS: IÂ’m telling you I donÂ’t know anything!
Masked Man: Well then I guess weÂ’re going to have to do this the hard wayÂ…
CS: The hard way?
Masked Man: {snapping his finger} Minions! Bring me the politics thread from the Wildcard section!
(Just then, the Masked ManÂ’s minions enter the room and deliver him the politics thread. They begin to tape CSÂ’s eyelids openÂ…)
CS: {struggling} Wait! What are you doing?
Masked Man: {standing up and propping one foot on the table} Perhaps some of GmannÂ’s libertarian articles will jog your memoryÂ….?
CS: How do you know Gmann?
Masked Man: IÂ’ve been watching this place for a long timeÂ….
CS: Tell me who you are!
Masked Man: {scrolling} LetÂ’s seeÂ….ah yes, hereÂ’s a good oneÂ…..
CS: {trying to look away} Nooooooo! CanÂ’t...takeÂ…Lew RockwellÂ…Â…
Masked Man: DonÂ’t fight it CoachÂ…..you must understand inalienable property rights!
CS: I swear I donÂ’t know anything!
Masked Man: {increasing the font size} You can make this endÂ…..
CS: Why are you doing this?
( The Masked Man leans in so close that CS can almost taste his gum)
Masked Man: Because of what they did to us!
CS: What who did to who?
Instigator: The Council of the ADMIN! The way they justÂ…you know, allow all of the inappropriate stuff to go on
CS: ThatÂ’s what this is aboutÂ…stuff you deem to be inappropriate?
Instigator: {clasping his hands behind his back} You wouldnÂ’t even begin to understand what IÂ’m talking aboutÂ…{gesturing to his minions} Minions! Throw Coach in the holeÂ…..give him sometime to think about thingsÂ….
CS: The hole?
Instigator: Goodbye CoachÂ….now if youÂ’ll excuse me, I have a talent show to get ready forÂ….
(The minions drag CS into a small concrete cell with only one small opening for food and waterÂ…..the scene fades out and flashes to the KTC Quitatorium where the Council of the ADMIN has gathered in anticipation of the talent show. They are all seated at a large round table)
Remshot: So where is this final narrative weÂ’ve all been waiting for?
Chewie: PatienceÂ…Wastepanel has confidence in CS
Loot: Loot is losing patienceÂ….tell Wastepanel to explain to Loot
Remshot: {gesturing to NOLAQ} Please send WP in to see usÂ…
(NOLAQ disappears behind a curtain for a few secondsÂ…just then, the door opens and WP walks into the Foyer of the ADMIN)
Wastepanel: You guys wanted to see me?
Loot: Tell Loot why Loot hasnÂ’t read Mr. CSÂ’s final narrative?
Wastepanel: IÂ’m sorry what was that?
Loot: You know what Loot meant
Ready: {placing his hand on LootÂ’s shoulder} Let me try old friend, what Loot means is weÂ’d like to know why we donÂ’t have the final narrative from CS? We have quitters pouring into the KTC Quitatorium to watch a talent show thatÂ’s supposed to begin in a few hours and no CSÂ….
Wastepanel: Yes sir I understandÂ….but no one has seen CS since he spoke to CNC yesterday outside of the Quitatorium
Ready: Well there has to be something to help us track him downÂ….{gesturing to NOLAQ} Get me klark down at MOD Headquarters on screen immediately!
NOLAQ: {pressing buttons} Yes sir!
(Just then, klark appears on the large holographic screen in the center of the table)
Klark: How can I be of service sirs?
Ready: KlarkÂ…we need you and your team to track down a quitter by the name of Coach SteveÂ….he seems to have gone missing sometime yesterday and the Council is very interested in his whereabouts
Klark: Yes sirs {motioning to someone off screen} Check the video feed from yesterday from KTC SquareÂ….tell me if you see anything unusual
Ready: One more thing klarkÂ…..we need him back unharmed
Klark: But sirsÂ….what if he makes a your mom joke?
Ready: Be the bigger man klarkÂ….
Klark: Dammit! {being told something off screen} Ok sirs, CS was last seen headed east on KTC Forum Avenue and then something happened with the feedÂ…it just skipped ahead a few minutes
Chewie: What do you mean it just skipped ahead a few minutes?
Klark: Sorry sir, but thatÂ’s what its showingÂ….itÂ’s almost as if someone tampered with the feed
Chewie: But only MODS have that kind of access?
Ready: What about a former MOD?
Remshot: No way, we remove all of their MOD powers when theyÂ’re demoted or retireÂ…this is something else, or should I sayÂ…someone else
Loot: {adjusting his bath robe} Loot doesnÂ’t like where this is goingÂ….
Ready: {to klark} Get a team down there pronto and see if you can find any clues!
Klark: I will take care of this personally sirs
Ready: Thank you klarkÂ….off screen!
(NOLAQ punches some buttons and the holograph disappears)
Mule: I told you guys we should had a donkey raceÂ…{waiving his hands sarcastically}Â…but you guys were all like, nooooo, donkey races are stupid, blah, blah, blah
FranPro: Donkey races are stupid Mule!
Mule: Shut up FP!
FranPro: No you shut up!
Ready: {raising his hands} Can we just focus on the task at hand?
FranPro: SorryÂ….
Mule: {placing a hand on FranProÂ’s thigh} IÂ’m sorry tooÂ…..
FranPro: {moving MuleÂ’s hand} IÂ’m not that sorryÂ….
(The Council of the ADMIN just sits there in silenceÂ…..)
Rutroh: So this is awkwardÂ….why hasnÂ’t the scene faded out yet?
Chewie: OhÂ…my bad, I wasnÂ’t paying attention
(Chewie snaps his finger and the scene fades out and flashes to KTC Forum Avenue where CS was last seenÂ….klark pulls up and steps out of the MOD Squad Crown Vic, Gmann gets out of the passenger side. They walk around the scene and klark stops when he sees a handkerchief lying on the ground. Klark pulls up his shades and as he kneels down to examine the hankerchief he sees a monogram
Klark: IÂ’ll be damnedÂ…
Gmann: What is it?
Klark: I think I might know where CS isÂ…..
(Klark holds up the hankerchief and shows Gmann the embroidered “FV” monogram)
Gmann: NooooÂ…..it couldnÂ’t be
Klark: Just as I suspectedÂ…Â…itÂ’s the One of Whom We Do Not Speak

(The scene flashes back to CS in his cellÂ…..the door opens and the Masked Man is standing in the doorway)
Masked Man: {adjusting his cuff links} Well have you had enough time to think about it?
CS: Screw you
Masked Man: Hahahaha! If this were my site IÂ’d ban you for that
CS: YouÂ’ll never get away with thisÂ…wait, what do you mean your site?
Masked Man: OhÂ….umÂ…nothing, gotta go!{turning to walk away}
(The minions slam the door shut and all CS can hear is the latching of the deadbolts and the minions carrying on a conversation about cheese popcorn. As CS slumps back against the wall he picks up a rock and throws it angrily against the other side of the cell)
CS: {burying his head in his hands} Dammit! I need to get out of here
(As the rocks hits the wall it starts to crumble away. CS looks up in amazement as bits of the wall crumble away revealing something underneath. As he claws away years and years of posts he uncovers a thread from Aquaman43 dated February 15, 2007 explaining the origins of KTC. CS continues to chip away layers and uncovers more posts from legends like 11x4 and chewless jim and a post by WhoDey with his unedited email exchange with Flavius Victor prior to his banning at QSXÂ…)
CS: Holy crapÂ…I think I know where I amÂ…..

(The scene pans back to Klark and Gmann who are sitting in the MOD Squad Crown Vic outside of the entrance to the Closed Topics Thread)
Klark: I know heÂ’s hereÂ…..
Gmann: How can you be so sure?
Klark: This is a perfect place for a guy like him to hideÂ…
Gmann: OkÂ….so if heÂ’s here, how do we find him?
Klark: Well if you were him, where would you hide?
Gmann: In the Aircooled VWs thread
Klark: {furrowing his brow} Very funnyÂ….but IÂ’m serious
Gmann: Ok, ok, fineÂ….man I donÂ’t know where he is!
Klark: {turning off the car} I doÂ…letÂ’s walk it from here
(Klark and Gmann step out of the Crown Vic and duck under the broken chain link fence…a sign above their heads reads, “Closed Topics – Keep Out”)
Gmann: This place gives me the creeps
Klark: Keep it downÂ…
(Just then, klark motions for them to duck behind an old dumpster and points ahead. Gmann peers over the dumpster and sees two minions patrolling back and forth in front of the History of QS, QSX Lite  QSX Closed Thread)
Gmann: {ducking back behind the dumpster} Are they debating the difference between white cheddar and cheddar popcorn?
Klark: ProbablyÂ….minions are obsessed with cheese popcorn
Gmann: Alright so what do we do now?
Klark: Do you remember that scene from Beverly Hills Cop?
Gmann: The one with the banana in the tailpipe?
Klark: No not that sceneÂ…the one where theyÂ’re in the strip club
Gmann: Ohhhh right
Klark: Ok so youÂ’ll be Axel Foley and IÂ’ll be Taggert
Gmann: So whoÂ’s Rosewood?
Klark: Dammit Gmann, IÂ’ll be Rosewood and Taggert
Gmann: Ok good, Rosewood was my favorite!
(Gmann staggers out from behind the dumpster and approaches the minions as klark slips behind them)
Gmann: {pretending to be drunk}Phil! Hey Phil I thought that was youÂ…man what are doing here Phil?
(The minions stop talking about cheese popcorn and raise their spears at the approaching Gmann)
Gmann: Whoa, whoa Phil man whatÂ’s wrong with you? YouÂ’ve changed Phil, youÂ’ve changed manÂ….
(When Gmann gets close enough the minions push him down on the ground and stand over him wielding their spears. Just then, klark jumps off the roof behind them and knocks one minion out cold. The other minions attempts to stab klark with his spear but Gmann thwarts the attempt and knocks the minion out with his own spear)
Klark: MODS 1, Minions 0
Gmann: {grabbing the keys off the minionÂ’s belt and tossing them to klark} Good job Rosewood
Klark: I shouldÂ’ve never mentioned Beverly Hills CopÂ…..

(The scene flashes to CS lying in the corner of the cell. Suddenly he hears keys jingling and the deadbolts being unlocked, the door is opened and CS sees Gmann standing thereÂ….)
Gmann: FUCS
CS: ThatÂ’s all you can manage to say at a time like this?
Gmann: You know Coach, FUCS stands for Friendship Unto Coach Steve
CS: Really?
Gmann: NoÂ…not really
CS: FUGM
Klark: Hate to break up this little reunion but weÂ’ve got a maniac on the loose
CS: The guy in the mask? He said he was headed for the talent show!
Klark: {looking at Gmann} Shit! We gotta get back there now!
(The trio makes their way out of the Closed Topics thread and into the MOD Squad Crown Vic. Klark peels out and takes a sharp left onto a MOD access road towards KTC Avenue)
Gmann: So did the guy in the mask tell you anything else?
CS: Not really, just said the ADMIN were inappropriate, or something like thatÂ….he seemed pretty ticked off about it
Klark: {picking up the walkie talkie} Mjollnir!
Mjollnir: {responding back on walkie talkie} Yeah?
Klark: WeÂ’ve got a situation hereÂ…I think the One of Whom We Do Not Speak is headed your way
Mjollnir: What!? Are we talking about THE One of Whom We Do Not Speak?
Klark: Yes! Be on your guard, weÂ’ll be there as soon as possible!
Mjollnir: Copy that
CS: Your mom copies thatÂ…
Mjollnir: Dammit, is that you CS?
CS: The one and only
Mjollnir: You know when this is all said and done, you and me are going to have a little talk in private
CS: Hey Mjollnir?
Mjollnir: YeahÂ…Â…?
CS: ThatÂ’s what your mom said last night
Mjollnir: Arrggh!
Klark: You walked right into that oneÂ…
(Klark pulls the MOD Squad Crown Vic onto KTC Forum Avenue and circles around to the loading docks in the back of the KTC Quitatorium. The trio hustles into the Foyer of the ADMIN where the Council is preparing to enter the performing arena and take their seats directly in front of the stage)
Klark: Sirs, we found Coach Steve!
Ready: Excellent! Welcome back Mr. Coach!
CS: Good to be back
Gmann: Sirs we have a situation. It appears as though the One of Whom We Do Not Speak is back and we think heÂ’s somewhere in the building
NOLAQ: SirsÂ….IÂ’m deeply concerned about your safety, perhaps we should cancel the talent show?
Remshot: Nonsense! The show must go on!
NOLAQ: But sirsÂ…..
Remshot: No butts! It is our duty to carry on!
CS: {snickering}
Remshot: {pausing and looking at CS} Something funny Mr. Coach?
CS: {trying not to laugh} No sir
Ready: Remy is right, the show must go on
(Despite NOLAQÂ’s objections, the Council of the ADMIN exits a small door and enters the performing arena. The crowd is brimming with excitement, Ziesmer is selling foam 'Finger', Smokey G is selling batshit crazy and Hipster is selling Have You Seen Mandy Matula? t-shirts. The ADMIN enter the arena donning white bathrobes and orange running shoes. As the ADMIN take their seats, the lights dim and a voice comes over the loud speakers)
Voice: Ladies and gentlemen, your attention please. Welcome to the 2013 National Spit Summit Talent Show! {crowd cheers} At this time weÂ’d ask you to direct your attention to the stage and give a big welcome to your host for the eveningÂ…..Luby aka Peepers!
(Smoke covers the stage and the crowd can see the silhouette of Peepers wearing his trademark back cape)
Peepers: Welcome everyone to the 2013 Spit Summit Talent Show! Tonight we have a special show in store for youÂ…but first weÂ’d like to extend a big thank you to every KTC member that has donated to the cause {crowd applaudes} And nowÂ….without further adieu, I present to you our first competitor hailing from the February 2011 group, Keddy!
(Keddy takes the stage in a brown leisure suit and performs this )
Peepers: Thank you for that Keddy! Our next performance is the duo of Razd and J2B!
(Razd and J2B take the stage and perform their choreographed routine )
Peepers: Whoa! Now that was exciting, letÂ’s give them a big round of applause! {crowd cheers} Our next competitor isÂ…..

(Just then, the lights go out and a picture of a TARDIS appears on the large screen above the stageÂ…the crowd can hear a menacing laugh over the loudspeaker)
Klark: ItÂ’s him!
Instigator: People of KTCÂ….do not fret, it is now time for your daily affirmation!
Klark: WeÂ’ve got to find him
NOLAQ: I think I know where he isÂ….follow me
(Klark and NOLAQ make their way to the rear of the stage and see a large curtain with someone moving behind it. Klark pulls back the curtain to reveal Instigator!)
Instigator: YouÂ…Â….
Klark: Yes GatorÂ….remember me?
Instigator: {pointing at klark} This all your fault!
Klark: No GatorÂ…..you did this to yourself
(Klark and NOLAQ drag Gator from behind the curtain and let Scowick and Mjollnir take him away)
Peepers: Well that was anti-climactic. DonÂ’t worry everyoneÂ…IÂ’m told the situation is taken care of. And now, please welcome, kdip!

(kdip walks onto the stage and proceeds to do a little of this, and a little bit of that)
Peepers: Whoa! Pretty impressive! And now folks it looks like weÂ’re down to our last competitor, please give a big hand for Wastepanel!
(Wastepanel enters the stage and bows to the crowd. Then he performs this )
Peepers: WowÂ…I mean, just wow. I am blown away Wastepanel, thank you {crowd cheers wildly}And now {looking at the Council of the ADMIN} it is time for the judges to reveal this years winners and the two KTC representatives for the 2013 National Spit Summit in Missoula, Montana! {being handed an envelope} Drumroll pleaseÂ…Â…Â….and this yearÂ’s winners areÂ…Â….

[Nolaq]

Sorry....in the words of May 14, dry fire.

Fucker! I just spent 40 fucking minutes reading that fucking thing!

'Finger'

'roflmao'

Dont mess with my emotions!

I'll re-post the narrative, but with fair warning....I drafted it last summer and it was supposed to be the final installment of the KTC Spit Summit fundraising efforts. Instead I had to draft that terrible Scooby Doo piece of shit. Oh, and the formatting is screwed up which makes it hard to read. I was trying to fix it, so I could re-save it, but posted it accidentally.

Whatevs. I can't read that shit anyway, you know that...

[Coach Steve]

Sorry....in the words of May 14, dry fire.

Fucker! I just spent 40 fucking minutes reading that fucking thing!

'Finger'

'roflmao'

Dont mess with my emotions!

I'll re-post the narrative, but with fair warning....I drafted it last summer and it was supposed to be the final installment of the KTC Spit Summit fundraising efforts. Instead I had to draft that terrible Scooby Doo piece of shit. Oh, and the formatting is screwed up which makes it hard to read. I was trying to fix it, so I could re-save it, but posted it accidentally.

[Bruce]

Sorry....in the words of May 14, dry fire.

Fucker! I just spent 40 fucking minutes reading that fucking thing!

'Finger'

'roflmao'

Dont mess with my emotions!

[RAZD611]

Sorry....in the words of May 14, dry fire.

Fucker! I just spent 40 fucking minutes reading that fucking thing!

'Finger'

'roflmao'

[Nolaq]

Sorry....in the words of May 14, dry fire.

Fucker! I just spent 40 fucking minutes reading that fucking thing!

'Finger'

[cbird65]

Sorry....in the words of May 14, dry fire.

shooting blanks already?

[Coach Steve]

Sorry....in the words of May 14, dry fire.

[Morgan1]

[+] Click for Part 1Coach Steve and the gang are hanging out in the Glass House of April 2012 engaged in their usual discussion of flip phones, gerbils and sex cavating among other interesting topics

CS: So do gerbils really have two rectums?
ERDVM: Yes....I'm pretty sure we've been over this in one of your previous narratives
CS: Sorry...I've written so many that it's all starting to blur together
(Just then, the lights go out in the Glass House and the emergency lights click on)
Bigwhitebeast: {jumping out of his chair} Oh shit! We've been powered down, I need to get to the plant!
Auburn: {walking in from the other room} What in the hell is going on here? I was flailing the pork sword and the computer screen just went blank....is Hipster messing with the internet again?
(Just then, texasjack comes stumbling down the stairs in a towel)
TJ: Guys I was in the shower and the water went cold then the lights went out!
CS: Yeah it looks like we've lost power guys...
pavetheway: That's odd....how can a fictional place that exists only in Coach Steve's imagination lose power?
ERDVM: I dunno...but I do know that Coach Steve's imagination smells like old cheese
TJ: No that's me...
CS: Alright everyone settle down....let's just give Cbird a call
ERDVM: {reaching into the pocket of his lab coat} Uh oh Coach...looks like our cell phones are dead too
PTW: Again....how is this even possible?
CS: Don't worry....Cbird still has a rotary phone in his room
(The quitters make their way to the 3rd floor of the Glass House and stop right outside Cbird's door)
TJ: Should we knock first?
CS: Nah....I saw him leaving a few hours before the power went down
PTW: Does anybody else wonder why the "emergency" lights are working in CS's imagination yet the power is still out?
ERDVM: When did you become such a skeptic?
TJ: Psychic?
ERDVM: No, not psychic...I said skeptic
TJ: So you think PTW is sketchy?
ERDVM: Really TJ?
TJ: Sorry....
CS: Ok guys....{opening the door} try not a break anything
(CS opens the door and the group peers into Cbird's room. There is a large poster of Steve Prefontaine on the opposite wall and the room is adorned with race bibs)
TJ: Whoa.....I didn't know Cbird liked Burt Reynolds
ERDVM: {slapping TJ in the back of the head} That there is Steve Prefontaine....he's a running legend
TJ: {rubbing his head} Oh.....so Burt Reynolds played him in a movie?
ERDVM: Actually it was Jared Leto....but really TJ?
CS: Guys look....there it is
(In the corner of the room there is an old fashioned red rotary phone)
CS: {walking over to the phone} Legend has it that this was the phone Aquaman used to communicate with Chewie when they were building KTC
TJ: KTC was built by an aquatic super hero and Chewbacca?
ERDVM: {looks at TJ and furrows his brow}
CS: TJ.....when did you get so dumb?
TJ: {shrugging his shoulders} I dunno....comedic relief maybe? This is your imagination after all....
CS: Good point, maybe it's because I watched Idiocracy last week
TJ: Great movie
CS: Criminally underrated as well
PTW: So you can change TJ's intelligence level but you can't make the power turn back on?
CS: {gives PTW a look} What do you think I'm trying to do?
(Coach Steve picks up the phone and begins to dial....)
ERDVM: Wait! What if Cbird's phone is dead too?
CS: I already thought about that....remember that Cbird carries a bag phone that runs on battery power
ERDVM: Oh right....
PTW: Emergency lights and bag phones....how convenient
(Coach Steve finishes dialing Cbird's number...ring....ring...ring.....)
Cbird: Hello?
CS: Hey Cbird it's CS and the guys.....we're just wondering what is going on with the power?
Cbird: KTC is down for now.....Zeta board conversion stuff...
CS: Oh ok... {TJ taps him on the shoulder} hold on one second Bird....
TJ: Can I talk to Cbird?
CS: Cbird, TJ wants to talk to you {hands phone to TJ}
TJ: Hey Bird it's TJ....I was just wondering why you have a poster of Jared Leto in your room?
ERDVM: {face palm}
Cbird: Um.....that's Steve Prefontaine
TJ: Oh ok......{hands the phone back to CS} Cbird says it's not Jared Leto so I guess you guys aren't psychic after all....
CS: Hey Cbird.....what's that? Yeah we know it's not Jared Leto......
BWB: Ask him when the power is coming back on
CS: He said it'd be a little longer.....depends on the conversion speeds
BWB: So then what are we supposed to do in the meantime?
PTW: Why don't we all use Coach Steve's imagination?
CS: {to Cbird} So what do we do? uh huh, uh huh....ok yeah I got it....later!
PTW: So what is it now?
CS: Cbird says the KTC blog is still active so we can go there or just wait it out here
TJ: Roadtrip!
ERDVM: Ok how are we going to get there?
PTW: Can't wait to hear this one.....
CS: Hmm....what about that old rail push car that Colonel No Cope and Coach Doc used to ride around on?
ERDVM: But Coach they closed the HOF tracks behind the Glass House once all the 2012 groups hit the hall
CS: Right.....but they only closed each end, I think the tracks are still intact
BWB: Well we'd better get a move on...
(The quitters make their way out the back door and into the yard when they hear something stirring in the bushes)
TJ: Oh shit what is that?
CS: Everyone calm down...it's probably just a squirrel
(Just then, Luby (aka Peepers) slowly stands up)
Peepers: Hey guys, it's just me...good ole Peepers
CS: Silly Peepers...where you peeping again?
Peepers: Yes, haha....and I had a great view of the pork sword flogging before the power went out
Auburn: How'd it look?
Peepers: Not bad....
Auburn: Glad you liked it....
Peepers: So where are you guys headed?
CS: We're trying to get to the KTC blog to see if we can ride this thing out there....
Peepers: And how do you plan on accomplishing that?
PTW: Via Coach Steve's imagination transportation
CS: Actually....{glaring at PTW} we were going to use the old rail push car on the 2012 HOF tracks
Peepers: Oh.....I....um...
CS: What is it?
Peepers: It's just that...well....the old rail push car was destroyed in the Peeping Incident of October 2013
CS: I don't even want to know....
Peepers: But I can tell you that the 2012 HOF tracks are still there
CS: I knew it!
Peepers: If you'd like I can show you the way?
CS: Sounds like a plan...
(CS and the quitters make their way through the thick underbrush that has consumed the once vibrant 2012 HOF tracks. After what seems like minutes....Peepers steps through the underbrush to reveal the tracks. Although worn by the elements, the tracks remain impervious to the thick underbrush on either side)
Peepers: This is where I leave you...[/b]{pointing in one direction}[/b] follow the tracks until you come to a switch track....take the track on the right and follow it until you reach your destination....
CS: Thanks Peepers...
Peepers: No problem Coach....now behold, the great Peepers {throws a smoke bomb and flips his cape}
(As the smoke clears Peepers can be seen hiding the bushes)
CS: Um Peepers....we can still see you
Peepers: No you can't
ERDVM: Actually yes...we can
Peepers: {pulling his cape over his head} Ok what about now?
ERDVM: Now you're just hiding under your cape
Peepers: {stands up} Ok fine....I guess I'm losing my touch
CS: Well guys....we should head out before it gets dark
PTW: Again....the fictional sun rises and sets in KTC Land but you can't make the power come back on?
CS: Sigh.....where's the fun in that?
PTW: You may have a point there....
(The quitters begin making there way in the direction Peepers told them to go. As they turn the corner out of sight, a rustling is heard in the thick underbrush...just then, Wedge and his merry band of suggesters stumble onto the 2012 HOF tracks.....)
Wedge: {bending down to smell the tracks} Well, well, well, looks like this is my lucky day
Spartanron: What is it boss?
Wedge: An old nemesis of mine......Coach Steve
Spartanron: How can you tell?
Wedge: {sniffing the air} Because I can smell douche and we're down wind {pointing} they went that way.....

[+] Click for Part 2(As Wedge and his band of KTC progressives start hiking the abandoned 2012 HOF tracks toward his old nemesis Coach Steve, Peepers was in the bushes watching the entire scene develop...as if he were a cameraman for a large sports television provider....)

Peepers: {holding his bag of faulty smoke bombs} I've got to find a way to help warn Coach Steve....
(Just then, Ziesmer walks up on the 2012 HOF tracks with one of his prized smart ass miniature horses)
Z: What are you doing in the bushes weirdo?
Peepers: {covering himself with his cape} You don't see me
Z: Yes....I do...fucking weirdos in this place {starts to walk away}
Peepers: {standing up} Hey wait! I'm not a weirdo, I am the great Peepers!
Z: Oh Luby....my bad, didn't realize you were a weirdo
Peepers: Dude....
Z: Ok seriously, wtf are you doing out here?
Peepers: I'm trying to help warn CS and the glass house gang about Wedge!
Z: Oh great....this sounds like another one of those melodramatic yet utterly pointless stories that CS imagines in his head
Peepers: That sounds about right
Z: So what's my role again....to give people the middle finger and say FU?
Peepers: You've been asked to perform a much larger role in this one?
Z: Really?
Peepers: Yes really. I need to get ahead of CS to warn him, but he's probably nearing "The Turn" by now
Z: What is "The Turn"
Peepers: Well....until July 2008 the only access to the quit groups was an old dirt road and we didn't have all these fancy boulevards and streets like we do now
Z: I thought that was just because of CS's imagination?
Peepers: Sort of....you see the website traffic outgrew those old dirt roads and the concept of the HOF engineer driving the HOF trains down the tracks became a reality in July 2008 spearheaded by the great engineer...bubblehed668
Z: Wow, where'd you learn all this stuff?
Peepers: Never mind that...when the ADMIN started building tracks behind the July 2008 house, they realized that eventually the land behind the older quit group houses wouldn't support the weight of thousands of quitters riding the HOF train to freedom
Z: So....what did they do?
Peepers: They built The Turn. After the July 2008 house, the tracks abruptly do a 180 turn across the Fran Pro River and the August 2008 house was the first built on the other side. The ADMIN also installed a switch track short cut in the other direction leading to the KTC Blog
Z: So what's the problem?
Peepers: The problem is that switch track short cut may be disabled because of the KTC Shutdown. If it is, then CS would either have to turn back or continue onto the pre July 2008 quit groups and take the old dirt roads
Z: What's wrong with that....CS could probably stand to lose a few pounds
Peepers: What's wrong is that it's a perfect spot for Wedge to ambush
Z: Ah yes Wedge....I forgot about him. So where do I come in?
Peepers: You, my dear Z....are going to show me your shortcut to the Dec 2006 brick house
Z: What short cut?
Peepers: Oh come on Z....everyone knows you take your miniature horses down to the Dec 2006 house to poop on the lawn and piss Euty off
Z: Haha...ok, fine...this way weirdo
(Peepers and Z start out for the Dec 2006 shortcut in the hopes of warning CS...meanwhile the scene cuts to CS and the glass house gang on the HOF tracks somewhere in the vicinity of the January 2010 house)
CS: We must be getting close...
Pavetheway: You can't just transport us there or something?
CS: No Pave...it doesn't work that way
PTW: Oh yeah....how does it work?
ERDVM: You two gerbil rectums knock it off...it looks like we've got a problem {pointing ahead}
(The group looks and see a makeshift guard shack assembled over the HOF tracks and signs that say, "Stop," "Do Not Enter," and "GFYS")
TJ: Why would they have a sign for the Grand Funk Youth Supersonics?
ERDVM: Really TJ?
TJ: What...? They were totally legit back in the 80's!
CS: I can't see who is in the guard shack {squinting}
PTW: Here... {hands CS binoculars} you can use these...
CS: Why are you carrying binoculars?
PTW: I dunno CS, this is your imagination...you tell me why I'm carrying binoculars?
CS: Good point .... {looking through binoculars} Oh shit....this isn't good
ERDVM: Who is it?
CS: It's klark.....Following an extended pause of epic proportions, Coach Steve and the gang find themselves sitting in the living room of the May 2011 House of Quit

CS: Hey guys...
Pavetheway: Seriously....weren't we just standing on the railroad tracks talking about klark?
CS: Yes...
ERDVM: {puzzled look} So....then why are we here now?
CS: To be completely honest....I haven't the slightest fucking clue why we're here
PTW: Very funny Coach....{walking towards the kitchen} What house is this anyways.....I wonder if they have any Bud Light Platinum
Texasjack: {holding a picture frame} Maybe this will tell us what house this is?
ERDVM: TJ?
TJ: Yes Dr. Vadge?
ERDVM: Why aren't you wearing pants?
TJ: {looking down and then back at ERDVM} You know....I can't remember
ERDVM: {throwing TJ a blanket} Here...you look cold...and give me that picture
(ERDVM wipes away a thick coating of dust to reveal a picture of J2B, LarryDrummer, 30yraddict and ODAAT hanging out in Tijuana)
CS: Oh, we're in the May 2011 House
TJ: I should've known with all this wood wall paneling from the 70's
PTW: {returning from the kitchen with a beer} Yeah.....but how did we get here?
CS: I told you I don't know....
PTW: C'mon Coach quit fucking with us....I gotta get back to work
CS: For reals Mike....I got no control over this one...
Bigwhitebeast: {peering out of the curtains} It looks weird out there...
ERDVM: What do you mean....weird?
BWB: {closing the curtains and looking at ERDVM} You know.....weird
ERDVM: No...I don't know that's why I asked dick turd
BWB: Did you just call me a dick turd?
ERDVM: Pretty sure I did
BWB: What exactly is a dick turd?
(Just then, the group hears a commotion in the back of the house)
PTW: {freezes} Tell me you guys heard that....
ERDVM: I'm sure dick turd heard it
CS: It's probably just one of the May 2011 quitters
(Suddenly, LarryDrummer storms out of the back of the house)
LD: Dammit! I've had it with this reverse scroll, can't find the most recent post bullshit! What was wrong with the old boards?!
CS: Hi Larry
LD: {stopping his rant to stare at Coach} The fuck are you doing here?
CS: I'm not sure
LD: Not sure...? Well you walked in here didn't you?
CS: I can't recall actually walking into your house....we kind of just appeared in your living room
LD: Well where were you before?
Texasjack: {holding a fishbowl} On the railroad tracks
LD: Ok.....two questions, why aren't you wearing pants and why are you holding ODAAT's fishbowl?
TJ: {looking down at the fishbowl} I have a thing for goldfish...
LD: And the pants....?
TJ: I'm allergic to pants...
PTW: I can vouch for that much....
LD: {turning to Pave} Who the fuck are you?
PTW: {hands on hips} I am pave the mother fucking way and I am a sex cavator!
LD: Good enough for me...{looking around}....so what are all you other assholes doing in my living room?
CS: Like I said....we're not sure what happened......
(Just then, some sort of portal into another dimension opens up in the living room and Sir Derek comes flinging through the wormhole onto the couch)
LD: Holy fart nuggets!
CS: {to Sir D} You alright man?
Sir Derek: {rubbing his head} Damn...I don't know what happened.....one minute I'm scrolling through the James Gordon thread and the next minute I'm getting flung through cyberspace into this living room....
TJ: This shit is trippy yo
Sir Derek: Why aren't you wearing pants?
TJ: Prolly cuze the wormhole stole my pants brah
ERDVM: So you're a frat bro now?
TJ: I am what the moment calls for brah
BWB: {sitting down on the recliner} I'm having a mental meltdown right now....
CS: {raising his hands} Ok...everybody just calm down....lets figure out what the fuck is happening here....

Choose Your Own Ending
[/i][+] Alternate Ending #1CS: SD, you said you were just hanging out in May 2014 right?
Sir D: Yeah....what's your point Coach?
CS: Well.....don't they have that phenomenon known as the James Gordon Vortex?
Sir D: I suppose....but it's just a myth....right Coach?
CS: No....no myth.....the legend of Gordon is very real....I've even heard that the quitters of May 2014 have devised a new system for measuring the quit days....they call it, Gordograms
TJ: {in awe} Gordograms...?
CS: {Blake Griffinesque} That's right TJ....Gordograms
ERDVM: So then how did we end up here?
CS: It must be the Gortex...it sucks you in and spits you out in reverse Gordometry
BwB: My head is spinning faster than when I learned Coach Steve was a liberal
LD: Wait.....? You're a liberal....? Fuck you
CS: Ok guys....just think of the Gortex as the liberal media. It's spinning every story into some web of lies until it decides it wants to spit something out to the general public. Except....in this case....the Gortex is the liberal media and the living room of the May 2011 house is the general public
LD: Oh I totally get it now...
CS: Really?
LD: No....not really you commy bastard
(Just then, the portal to another dimension reappears and sucks the entire group in.....they spin round and round finally ending up in the group of May 2014)
Sapper: Well, well, well...I figured you'd arrive approximately 5.4939203 Gordon's ago....maybe I'm losing my touch[+] Alternate Ending #2CS: Thank you for choosing Alternate # 2...I suppose someone had to do it
You: Do what?
CS: {pulling back a curtain} Just go in....trust me it's completely safe
You: Ok
(You pass beneath the curtain and enter the room beyond...it's a backlight room and you can barely make out someone standing in the corner. As your eyes being to adjust you realize....)
You: Are you naked?
Gmann: Yes.....you have chosen....poorly

Alternate ending #2 is the funniest thing I've ever read on any of CS narratives.

[RAZD611]

Congrats on 900 days Coach! Full on, gheyer then Bruce, chest bump Like Fuck!

full on bro.... full on!

'BanDog'

'boob' 9th floor....and still ghey. Congrats CS







p.s. FUCS

Congrats on 9th floor bro. 'BanDog'

Them +1's really add up! Congrats on winning everyday!

'Cheers' great job Coach Steve. Full on!

'BanDog' Liketh the Fucketh

Big ol shirtless hug for you bro. Ask beast about a congratulatory wristy.

Nice NINE HUNDO. You know what to do with that big fat butt...QLF

:WastedPanel:

How'd I miss shirtless hug day?

Congrats, man.

Late congrats Bud!!

'boob'
'Popcorn'
'na na'
'BanDog'

Nice job!

Nice 9Bills!!!

'clap'

[Scowick65]

Congrats on 900 days Coach! Full on, gheyer then Bruce, chest bump Like Fuck!

full on bro.... full on!

'BanDog'

'boob' 9th floor....and still ghey. Congrats CS







p.s. FUCS

Congrats on 9th floor bro. 'BanDog'

Them +1's really add up! Congrats on winning everyday!

'Cheers' great job Coach Steve. Full on!

'BanDog' Liketh the Fucketh

Big ol shirtless hug for you bro. Ask beast about a congratulatory wristy.

Nice NINE HUNDO. You know what to do with that big fat butt...QLF

:WastedPanel:

How'd I miss shirtless hug day?

Congrats, man.

Late congrats Bud!!

'boob'
'Popcorn'
'na na'
'BanDog'

Nice job!

[Grizzly25]

Congrats on 900 days Coach! Full on, gheyer then Bruce, chest bump Like Fuck!

full on bro.... full on!

'BanDog'

'boob' 9th floor....and still ghey. Congrats CS







p.s. FUCS

Congrats on 9th floor bro. 'BanDog'

Them +1's really add up! Congrats on winning everyday!

'Cheers' great job Coach Steve. Full on!

'BanDog' Liketh the Fucketh

Big ol shirtless hug for you bro. Ask beast about a congratulatory wristy.

Nice NINE HUNDO. You know what to do with that big fat butt...QLF

:WastedPanel:

How'd I miss shirtless hug day?

Congrats, man.

Late congrats Bud!!

'boob'
'Popcorn'
'na na'
'BanDog'